<p>I really appreciate all the feedback I’ve gotten and it’s definitely given me some food for thought. Robyrm, you’re exactly right. Classes are uninspiring, plus his outside activities are passive and it’s a bad combination. He has 7 academic classes: english, latin, AP euro, chemistry, honors pre-cal/algebra II, psychology and biblical literature. So he has a tough academic schedule to start with but he tells me none of those classes interests him at all. (Next semester gets a little easier in that he swaps psych and bib lit for PE and fiber design. Don’t laugh - our school requires 2 credits in either fine arts or performing arts and he is musically 100% inept which left fine arts. He’s already taken ceramics and fiber design fulfills that other credit req.)</p>
<p>He likes sports but our HS is 3600 kids so to make a sports team with such a deep talent pool you have to be pretty exceptional. He did make the golf team which is his real passion. He wants to be a golf course designer. Golf here is pretty much April through October and he is very committed to it during those months. There’s golf team practice every day, and then he plays every weekend with his dad. During the summer there’s ~15 golf tournnaments with playing almost every day. Next summer, he’ll be working with special olympics golf (I’m forcing that one but I think he’s okay with doing it).</p>
<p>If he went to the private school, he would be able to play all sports because of their no-cut policy. It’s a very hands-on, can’t hide school witha total enrollment of 150 kids in grades 9-12. The students have a faculty mentor that they are required to meet with bi-weekly. Small class sizes means teachers are much more involved. In his present math class (the class he’s struggling with most) there’s 30-35 kids and he sits in the back of the class. He and I have met with the teacher, we’ve discussed his class performance and she’s suggested what he has to do to improve. But if he can hide in this (or any other) class, he does. That would definitely not happen in this other school. We wanted him to attend this school last year (he even won a merit scholarship to attend) but he was adamant about attending public school. At that time, everything was fine so there was no reason to take a stand for not sending him public.</p>
<p>I don’t want to give the impression that everything is bad with him. He’s a really good kid. Doesn’t do drugs or drink. He’s actually the moral compass of his group of friends. His “I’ll do it my way” attitude actually works for him in this area. His friends cut class one day and asked him along but he said no, it was a stupid idea. (Reinforced by the fact that his friends got picked up by the cops who saw them walking along the road during the school day and they received in-school suspension). His grades are generally pretty good: A’s and B’s with a crummy math grade. We have on-line grade reporting so I can see his grades daily. We look at them together and discuss what he has to do to get them just a little bit higher - where he can. </p>
<p>This may sum up his attitude: he had a big math mid-term that he needed to do well on. He tells me he studied and prepared. He understands the material but he doesn’t like to do all the steps, hurries and makes careless errors (leaves out steps, miscalculates) and then doesn’t like to check his work. When I asked him if he got the test back he said no, I asked if he at least got the grade, he said no. I asked if he cared what his grade was and (surprise, surprise) he said no. I asked him if he thought I cared what his grade was and the answer was “oh, yeah.” When he was in 1st grade, his teacher told me that he was the only student she’d ever had who didn’t care about pleasing her. Every 1st grader mostly does everything they are told to because they want to please the teacher. Every one except my son! So this attitude of now caring is not something new.</p>
<p>He does play community league basketball and he was just asked to play on an intramural basketball team. I’ve also got him signed up to play platform tennis. These are all “fringe” activities i.e. he likes them well enough that he’ll do them if I push and prod and just sign him up. But he’d probably prefer to stay home and either be on the computer or play poker. I really am glad he’s become more social because his social skills have definitely lagged behind his peers.</p>
<p>But if he really doesn’t want to do something, he just won’t. I’ve encourage, cajoled, begged, ordered him to join some club at school but he won’t do it. I don’t want to march him into some classroom after school just so he can be in the nintendo club (one of the benefits of a school this size is the sheer amount of clubs available).</p>
<p>So, in a nutshell he’s a typical teenager I guess! He’s his own man. Decent but erratic grades, good kid with a moral compass, laid-back, strong interest in golf, social skills starting to emerge, willing to participate in some activities (basketball and platform tennis), unwilling to do what he doesn’t want to. Occasionally sullen (not depressed sullen, by the way, and my daughter went through major depression in HS so we’ve seent that one first hand) but I know this will pass. Laid back is the best way to describe him. </p>
<p>I guess the best tactic is to take with a grain of salt the stuff I can’t change. His laid-back nature was evident from the day he was born. To instill both consequences (the private school) and rewards (he told me just the other day that positive reinforcement would work best for him so - don’t flame me here - we’ll pay for good grades). To manage but not micro-manage i.e. to review the assignment notebook every night so he’s clear about what works needs to be done that night but to let him manage doing it on his own. To keep searching for things that interest him be it classes or outside activities that I see some “spark” for and direct his involvement in that more than I might normally might i.e. go ahead and register him for special olympics training and make the phone calls for when he has to volunteer. I think I also really need to keep in sight that he’s basically a good kid - there’s no trouble maker here and I need to be thankful for that. </p>
<p>This is what my husband calls a “high class problem.” We have a basically good kid who just needs some directing, occasional hands-on managing and a match to light his fire. There are parents out there who are dealing with a thousand worse things than this and I need to remember to be grateful for the wonderful son I have. And to also be grateful for a message board where I can vent my frustrations and have supportive, concrete feedback and know that others have travelled this way also and this too shall all pass!</p>
), and emerge 4 years later. I guess the good news is that most of them do, in fact, do so. I can’t tell you how lovely it is, now that my son is in college, to see him opening up again, smiling broadly, and actually conversing with me in a happy, adult way.</p>