<p>I had forgotten how bad it can be. During my older one’s summer-before-college, he became distant with us, he ONLY wanted to be with friends, we had no idea where he was most of the time. I realized shortly thereafter that it had to do with anxiety about going away and leaving everything familiar behind, as well as a need to be with his buddies as much as possible before the Fall.</p>
<p>Well, now my younger is doing the same thing – and it isn’t even Summer yet! He’s distant, quiet, spending all his time with his girlfriend and his guy friends. He’s not particularly sarcastic or rude to us; he’s Just Not Home At All, and when he is, he’s distracted, not engaged with us at all, not interested in anything that’s going on here.</p>
<p>This will get worse before it gets better, I know.</p>
<p>For all you first-timers out there: It’s normal, it’s natural, but boy, it’s no fun.</p>
<p>Maybe they are just preparing you to feel relief in September.</p>
<p>Both mine have not been too bad. I do insist that they tell me where they are going, and to keep me posted of a change in plans, and to check in with me when they come home, even if I am asleep, just a peck on the cheek will do.</p>
<p>Most kids do come back for their first visit home as much sweeter involved family members.</p>
<p>Both mine were like that (altho I knew where they were), but I’d extend it to much of senior year.</p>
<p>We as parents are thinking: there’s not much time, I want to spend as much time as I can with them.</p>
<p>They are thinking: there’s not much time, I want to spend as much time with my friends, gf or bf as I can since I won’t see them much after September.</p>
<p>Looking back this prepares both sides for the drop off at college.</p>
<p>My older D was an absolute nightmare the summer before college, nasty and defiant for the first time in her life. The final stages of preparation and packing were the worst. I finally realized that this is only nature’s way of helping us separate from our young, although it also made quite a good case for eating your young! She did come back for Thanksgiving a much nicer, calmer version of herself. Now she has just finished her junior year, and has been in Africa since January. We pick her up at the airport Friday night. I have not heard her voice since she said good bye so long ago, and words can’t describe how I’m pining for it! I’m thinking this version of DD will be the best yet. I am so excited I can hardly breathe. Three + years ago I couldn’t have imagined ever feeling that way again. Especially the voice part! LOL</p>
<p>I have heard that
Fortunately * I<a href=“jk”>/i</a> thought ahead and had D#1 plan to spend her summers working at a residential camp, where she just came home very briefly.</p>
<p>She generally worked right up through Labor Day, so beginning college in late August actually necessitated that she end her job early.
It was a little hectic getting her ready, but it helped that her sister was still at the camp and we didn’t take her with us, we had friends pick her up to stay with them for a few days.</p>
<p>I also agree that by thanksgiving they are different people.</p>
<p>My son left for the In-State College 4 years ago. There was a lot lot of late night parties and hanging out at our house. I so wanted all those kids and my son to get to college… but the process seemed normal. Now my daughter, with whom I have been very close (she was uber involved with school), is heading out across the country. She is going to a large school not knowing anybody there. Now, she has her 1st boyfriend. She spends all her time with her friends, school, work or the BF. Hint: no where do you see my name or the family in the last sentence. I’m freaking out.in my head. Help! How can I make this process work for us? I will consider all advice. Here are some of my questions:</p>
<p>What should I do as her mother to help her last summer come to a successful end?
How can I keep a respectful distance?
Can I spend anytime with her without seeming too creepy and dependent?
What actions now I can do to help her with the transition to school?
What can I do to help me with the transition?
What should I not do? </p>
<p>Lucky for us, my D is still the same sweet, sensitive, considerate kid she’s always been. I see none of the “pushing away” that I did to my own parents. We’ll see what happens after graduation and Senoir Week, when she goes back to her summer lifeguarding job.</p>
<p>I think I was the worst to my parents between December and June of Senior year. I was surly, distant and just plain miserable. My attitude was so bad, they sent me on a week long Outward Bound trip to get rid of me. Like emeraldkity4’s D#1, I was smart and worked at a residential camp the summer before freshman year of college, but the job ended in early August. I spent the last couple of weeks before college going shopping with my Mom and getting my stuff ready. My parents were more than ready to see me leave!</p>
<p>I was quite the different person by the time I came home for Thanksgiving!</p>
<p>This thread reminds me of a thought that entered my mind in the 9th month of pregnancy. “The 9th month is God’s gift to women to make us crave labor.”</p>
<p>I agree: September comes as a kind of relief.</p>
<p>But Thanksgiving was a testing ground between the new vs. old freshman. Home changed hardly at all, but the student came home unsettled with his/her new self; some uncomfortable moments. Then they go back to campus and figure out what happened at home (re: family, old friends…). For us the real peace came in December of freshman year. And it’s been fine, in both the hearts of parents and children, since then even with all the ensuing changes.</p>
<p>Not all kids turn into raving lunatics before heading off to college. The summer before college started was a wonderful time with my daughter. Although she spent a lot of time with her friends (naturally), and things weren’t always perfect, she also sought out time with her family, and my husband and I both have fond memories of some special individual moments and times we shared with her.</p>
<p>What made the difference? A dear, dear friend whose child was already in college gave me the most wonderful advice in the fall of my daughter’s senior year. She told me that senior year is all about letting go. You can either let go gradually, giving your child more freedom as the year progresses, or you can try to hold on until the very last moment in which case, the process of letting go - with all of the emotions on both sides - will be intensified and accelerated.</p>
<p>I took my friend’s advice, although it wasn’t easy. As senior year wore on, my husband and I loosened many of the “rules” we’d had for our daughter, and we also encouraged her to start making as many of her own choices as possible. She didn’t always choose wisely, but as long as she wasn’t in danger, we let her work things out for herself as much as possible. In short, we forced ourselves to let her grow because that was the way she needed to prepare for being on her own.</p>
<p>There were plenty of bumps along the way, and plenty of sad moments when I realized that my baby was stretching her wings and that she was going to fly, with or without me. But I just remembered my friend telling me that baby birds always fowl the nest before they fly off on their own. And, ultimately, our job as parents, is to kick them out of the nest, not try to keep them confined in it.</p>
<p>So, hang in there! Yes, the next few months will be tough, but try to focus on the good moments, not the bad. You will miss them when they’re gone.</p>
<p>^^Osage - my younger D is also going across the country next year to a HUGE school. I have my worries about that, but she seems satisfied with her choice. She is very outgoing, has been extremely involved in school, and has the personality (and hopefully the study skills) to make it work. She and I have always been closer then D1 and I. But I am seeing more and more pushing the curfew type of things. I can live with that. With the older, more difficult D, I would take her out to breakfast once a week or so, even if that meant getting up verrrrrrry early bc she had to be to work @ 6:30. I didn’t let the rules about curfew and telling me where she was going loosen much, but she complied 90% of the time at best. movies were another way I could get her attention, even though it was quiet, it was enjoyable. As for getting ready for school, she just knew everything. She was also going a good distance away, to a very small school. My H finally pointed out how stupid the fighting was, since she was never going to listen, so I just left it up to her. Even tho we enjoyed each other’s company a little more those last two weeks, she learned a lot about what she did NOT know. I ended up mailing boxes of stuff to her later, and she would return them with crazy stuff she ‘didn’t need after all’. Now she’s a pro with packing, and manages her storage unit by the college, and I would imagine after a semester in rural Kenya, will have even less urgent need for ‘stuff’. All I can say is that there is little you can do besides try to stay calm, and pick your fights well. LOL. I know that leaving home, family and friends is going to be very difficult for my younger D, so i think we might just have a very different experience this time around. But, if not, I know it’ll turn around sometime freshman year!</p>
<p>I could have easily left home by the time I was 14. High school was a long period of twiddling my thumbs, waiting to get out to explore the world. </p>
<p>That’s what I keep in mind when I lose my marbles and dream about how sweet it would be to re-create those little-kid years a la some intense family bonding with two gigantic guys who bear little resemblance to their cherubic selves and now shave every day.</p>
<p>Reason takes over and I pack them off to distant lands. Or we travel together to some fascinating place. </p>
<p>Their travel stories and book reviews fill most of our brief times together–it’s almost as good as the little kid years. </p>
<p>Bottom line, you have to plan in those times. Sweet moments aren’t necessarily spotaneous when 18 year olds and 50 year olds try to live together.</p>
<p>*Sweet moments aren’t necessarily spotaneous when 18 year olds and 50 year olds try to live together.
*</p>
<p>I saw some commercial, I think it was for a camera- where a couple was trying to take pictures of their son having a bath in the kitchen sink- however he wasn’t going for it much * he was 21*
;)</p>
<p>We pretty much have to come to terms with- they are not who they were when we were taller than they were, even if we feel the same.</p>
<p>Woops - I missed the baby bird comparison in Carolyn’s post. Am good at redundancy!</p>
<p>I am still trying to deal with S. as a driver. He passed his test, but… his driving leaves much to be desired. I’m practicing (white knuckled) with him more now than before he got his license. Am at the point where it will be almost a relief when he is settled, carless, at school.</p>
<p>The good news is that once this is past you block it and just like childbirth, it’s a distant memory. My daughter is going to graduate from college next month and as I was reading this thread I was trying to recall the summer before she left for college and I can’t come up with much angst. She and her friends and boyfriend hung out alot, she worked, we shopped for college stuff, went on vacation and then pffft! she was gone. Go with the flow, the end of August and the time to see them off will be here in a flash.</p>
<p>Thanks you all. Very thoughtful stories. My mother gave me her best advice when my children were wee little things. She said enjoy everyday and don’t wish away your days with them, wanting them to be older or younger or something they are not. Just enjoy what you have right now. I never forgot that and the days went faster than i ever could have imagined. I loved being their mother. It was such an honor. I will miss it very much. Tears in eyes down face. I must go to bed. Again thanks. All good advice.</p>
<p>Doesn’t have to be. Son was gone for a month with a musical summer and then helped me as best he could in moving my parents into an assisted living facility. Having a job, being busy is a good thing in most cases.</p>
thought ahead and had D#1 plan to spend her summers working at a residential camp, where she just came home very briefly.</p>