<p>It’s nice to see that this thread has some student perspectives as well. I have to admit that my relationship with my parents has been getting increasingly rockier over the past few months, and I’m assuming it’s all of our’s faults (grammer? haha). I don’t know why, but I don’t feel as close to my parents as I used to. My father is a workaholic, and when he is home he shuts himself in the office and I know not to bother him. My mother and I don’t have a very good relationship; it was never very strong to begin with. We don’t see eye to eye on things, and strangely enough, I don’t feel that my leaving for college will affect her very much.</p>
<p>The one thing that bothers me is that I was almost completely independent during the college admissions process - I wrote/revised my own essays, filled out the forms, everything - all by myself, and I got into a great school that I will attend in the fall, my parents just paid for everything. And yet my mother still finds things to yell at me about, little nitpicky things like my “tone of voice” and etc. My only solution is to keep a low profile and become cold and distant from her, so she can’t find anything to complain or get upset about. Perhaps this is the reason that many of us college-bound-teens become so distant from our parents</p>
<p>Any parents want to give some insight into my mother’s “behavior”? Thanks, sorry for the disguised rant.</p>
<p>I think that you guys are all missing something very important. </p>
<p>Yes, when your kid first leaves for college things are AWFUL, BUT, after leaving for college my parents and I became CLOSER. And I think that this is quite common. I agree, not initially my freshman year, but now that I am a senior I honestly spend more time with my parents when I am home now than my friends. And I know the same thing happened with all of my peers - we went from constantly needing to be out with each other before we left (and maybe freshman year as well), to “Sorry, buddy, but I think I’m just going to hang out with my parents tonight.” </p>
<p>I do think that it is important to look on the bright side of things - you’re almost done with the teenage years of kids distancing themselves, being rebellious and testing the limits, and giving angry looks that seem to come from nowhere. </p>
<p>Somehow when we’re in college and we’re forced to do everything on our own we begin to realize just how much mom and dad used to do for us. I never realized what a hassel it must have been for my parents to cook me dinner and deal with my day-to-day problems. </p>
<p>I think it’s just these two years that are very hard on parents and children. But have some optimism. 2 years into college, we start realizing how nice it’d be to have a relationship with mom and dad again and come home to see our parents rather than our old buddies. It takes time, and I agree even freshman year I wasn’t like this, but by sophomore year, it happens :). I’m about to graduate now and go out to dinner every night that I am home with my parents, and often skip social engagements just to catch up and watch a Sopranos episode with them. So have some optimism everyone :). These are the worst two years and it will get better Plus, I think it’s got to be fun getting to know your kids as adult people rather than just annoying teenagers, and you’re on the verge of that :)</p>
<p>Nicole is so right,and shes written just what I was going to b/f I saw her message.
My D,now about to be 24 and a 2nd yr grad student,has become a really good friend to us parents. she lives halfway across the country and comes home 2-3 times a year, for a week at a time usually.we speak regularly at least once a week,sometimes more as need be.We have adult conversations,no longer needing to discuss things like curfew,laundry,etc.ZShe has friends scattered around the country and is not tethered to “home” friends any longer,so her time isnt monopolized when she is here,as it was that summer after HS graduation.
Its a pleasure to be her parents now!
S ,finishing first year of college and returning home for the summer (probably his last full summer home) has much calmer parents to deal with since we’ve “been there,done that” already.we understand his need to fit in a home based social life this summer,though I suspect some of the bloom willk be off the rose so to speak, as the newly experienced college kids are no longer so tied to their home base/home friends.We’ll love having him home,will love when he leaves again,and look forward to having him evolve into another adult child we can have a great adult relationship with.</p>
<p>Thank you Nicole. I am very close to ZG and the underlying issues for me are (a) will she be safe without me there take a bullet for her if necessary, (b) will I still be her mom if she doesn’t need me so much anymore and (c) will she choose to have me in her life when the choice is all hers. Logically, I know the answers, but logic doesn’t come into play so much when you’re talking about the great love of someone’s life.</p>
<p>I remember waaaay back when my brother (who just turned 50) was graduating HS. He’d always the classic student/athlete/leader and all-around good kid, but suddenly he was intolerable. My mom said, “This is nature’s way of making parents able to tell their kids, ‘Get out of my house!’” Of course she was joking…mostly…but there was wisdom in there! :)</p>
<p>My experience has been different in that the most difficult time with my D (who’s finishing her sophomore year in college) was last summer, after her freshman year. Now we’re back to being very close – closer than ever, I’d say, and she’s definitely more mature than ever – but that post-freshman summer was a minefield. Anyone else go through that?</p>
<p>Right now my daughter is working at her first post-college full-time job (yes, with health care, retirement, etc) and my son is a college freshman. I do remember the summer before each of them left home. I remember learning to bite my lip and letting little things slide. I remember trying to fill my heart and mind with memories - of their habits, ways of talking, humor, messy rooms, music. I remember the bittersweet feelings of recognizing that a familiar life chapter was about to close - and a new, unknown one was about to open for all of us. I remember sleepless nights spent in prayer for their future safety, wisdom, direction, and maturity.</p>
<p>I’ve learned that this new chapter of “mentoring mothering” (rather than managing mothering) is wonderful in its own way. The things that caused friction have dwindled into nothingness. New areas of communication have opened up. As my kids have been discovering who they are as young adults, I’m rediscovering who I am now as a (hopefully) more mature adult.</p>
<p>All of us are growing. Remember that when your kids are launched, you are not the discarded booster stage. I’ve loved every phase of my kids’ lives and this part is just as exciting, challenging and rewarding as previous chapters. </p>
<p>To all of you who are experiencing this for the first time, I wish you much joy and blessings.</p>
<p>Thanks for your nice post, NicoleT. My D seems to be a little slow on your plan of being nicer to the parents after the first two years of college. She is a senior, and over Christmas and spring breaks, we hardly saw her. She talks to us regularly but doesn’t choose to spend time with us much at all, just the minimum. I am hoping she will get better as she gets older.</p>
<p>My stepson was completely unbearable when he was 21 and is now very pleasant and grateful for everything now that he is 26, so there is hope for anyone.</p>
<p>aznsunshine, congratulations on everything you’ve been able to do for yourself. I’m sorry you’re not getting the support, attention and affection – the active presence in your life – that you’d like from your parents. Obviously I don’t know the particulars of your situation, but it certainly seems that you’re being short-changed in many non-material ways.</p>
<p>But to give your mother the benefit of the doubt for a moment, maybe it’s possible that she’ll be tremendously affected by your departure for college, and – consciously or otherwise – she knows that. Maybe that’s why she’s distancing you and being critical: if she can cast you as a pain in the neck, then she can tell herself it’s OK that you’re leaving. I’m not saying that would be logical or mature, and it certainly wouldn’t be sensitive to your needs, but it might be what’s happening.</p>
<p>My senior (high school) and I just returned from a week of cruising down the California coast from San Fran to my brother’s house in Orange County. We had no agenda, no schedule, stopped when we were tired and saw the sites we felt like seeing. He got to spend some time with cousins he did not know well, and tried surfing for the first time. Took lots of pictures as well for posterity. (BTW, the Big Sur section of California is a must-see. Awesome.) </p>
<p>I was looking forward to the trip but it was made more special by the fact that he seemed to really enjoy himself. He has said “great trip” several times, unprompted. </p>
<p>I’ll always value that time we had together, and I look forward to doing the same with his youinger siblings.</p>
<p>My D, who is on the summer orientation staff at UCSB, recommended I read this book to help me deal with S’s approaching departure for school in another state: “Letting Go, A parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years” by Karen Coburn and Madge Treeger. Apparently, she remembers what a hard time I had when she left home a few years ago. :o
I haven’t finished reading it completely, but parts of it really struck a chord with me, including chapters about the last few months at home.</p>
<p>hvccgolf: What an awesome idea. It’s not often that parents get to "wow’ their kids with something as different and unexpected as a road trip to no where. I bet neither of you ever forgets it. Nice job.</p>
<p>Aznsunshine: Do you think perhaps your mother is saddened by the fact that your relationship is not close and your leaving soon has brought it home to her that she is losing the opportunity to change this. When people do the nitpicking thing they are usually upset about something…and that thing is not usually what the nitpicking is about. I think your mother is going to miss you more than you can imagine but your distance is making her think you don’t care.</p>
<p>i still recall my last summer b4 college.
i went to a boarding school fairly far away from home, so when i went home after my senior year it was almost impossible to get to my friends. life was horrible because i was literally confined to home, and, to make it worse, my parents decided to limit my internet hrs. it’s a terrible decision not to get a job. i put on more weight during that time than my freshman year. actually, i lost weight i gained that summer my freshman year. i worked so hard in high school and was a good student, so at least there was something to be proud of. once i got out of school for some months it wasn’t great being a bum anymore. for a teenager, being a bum is meaningless unless there’re friends around.</p>
<p>and i didn’t want to put this on my parents or my siblings but i did. it just got fairly emotional… the boredom and lack of excitements and all that. it was a big relief getting to college finally and i was so tied to my friends my freshman year. the year later when ppl started chosing their majors, when we switched to the more isolated upperclass dorms, and i dont take the same classes with my closest friend anw… things changed. i broke up with friends i used to love so much and made some more but i never got that close to friends as i did my freshman year anymore. the fact is, i called home more and i became more receptive to my parents. i recall pushing them away during school but now if the show up again i’d be the person to take them around… well i took my mom to my school’s gym and i felt great about it… just it’s been 3 years we went somewhere together again. and i know my parents would always be happy to be close to me… but our lives get to the point that we have some other things to do so it doesn’t get too boring or too cliche. it’s actually good that we’ve got something to catch up on every time we meet.</p>
<p>I guess I have a somewhat unique situation: instead of separating from me, my D is becoming more clingy! Her senior year has been fraught with anxiety, first about applying to college, then getting responses, then making a decision. Just about two weeks ago she had a crying spell and told us she didn’t feel ready to go to college. My husband and I outlined options-- work for a year, go to CC, go to a local U. The problem is, as we see it, if she stays home she’ll just become more isolated, all her friends will have left, the dependence on me (she STILL doesn’t have her license and doesn’t appear to be in a hurry to get it!) will continue if not escalate, and she will have no opportunity to grow. Sure, we’ll keep her safe from her fear of leaving home, but what will be gained? In the end she chose a small LAC about 2 1/2 hrs from home and we promised to visit and bring her home when she needs to. </p>
<p>The bottom line is that she has not separated from me the way most teens do. I’m trying to teach her to be more independent – with laundry, with decisions, with any opportunity I can, including making pancakes herself! We’re also working with a therapist on this issue (and another, anxiety-related disorder).</p>
<p>But I read the posts on this thread and wish I could have that problem–that my D pushes me away instead of clings harder!</p>
<p>Donna101,
I wonder could technology help? Your daughter could certainly stay in touch with you through regular cell phone conversation. There may be more advanced version which would allow visual contact as well.</p>
<p>Donna101: Our oldest child never got cranky with us before leaving for college, and our youngest, so far, has not either (maybe after graduation, but I don’t think it will happen). I guess I would not call either of them clingy, per se, either, but we are an extremely close family. I’m don’t know anything about the anxieties you speak of with your D, but I don’t think it can be all that unusual, really, for some kids to cling a bit when facing such a big change in their lives. There must be a lot of those kinds of kids around, too. I guess mine are somewhere in the middle–excited to start college, but neither cranky nor clingy about doing things with friends and/or family until August. I’m the one who seems to have the emotional issues–in the face of their level-headedness! Good luck with your daughter!</p>
<p>I wonder if more students that post on here are the pushing-away kind of people, or clingy, because I agree with Dr. Mom that there are surely plenty of kids that have anxiety problems about leaving.</p>
<p>I would guess that the majority of the people here are ready to leave. They’ve been preparing for this change for the past couple years, and to them, the build up to it started a long time ago.</p>
<p>Well a parent of a service academy kid don’t have a whole summer to agonize over the change in the family dynamics. My son graduated from HS the middle of June - the very next week we left him in the hands of the U.S. Air Force Academy. </p>
<p>Enjoy the summer you do have. September may come sooner than you want but you might as well make the best of what time you do have - use it to come to grips with the pending separation.</p>
Plus, I think it’s got to be fun getting to know your kids as adult people rather than just annoying teenagers, and you’re on the verge of that :)</p>