<p>My hs senior starting pushing away with the beginning of this school year. While I expected this in spring, 8 months of this has been trying. While I am sure to be sad when S leaves, I will also be relieved.</p>
<p>Dr_Mom–I doubt that your experience is because you are a close family. So are we. But different people have different ways of leaving. Some people find change easy to deal with and can say goodbye easily. Others have a harder time saying goodbye–and it is easier to say goodbye when you are relieved to go than when you are ambivalent.</p>
<p>As a student, one thing I might add is that in some cases (definately not all) it is not exactly the parents that the student wants to get away from, its HS.</p>
<p>I’ll use my AP Calc class as an example. Well I’m not actually in the class (I’m an aid, i have ap stats though) a good majority of the class is comprised of college bound seniors, most going to top UCs. Anyways, from talking to my friends in the class, it seems like we all just want to get away, not from our parents, but from school. We want to start somewhere fresh, have the freedom that we are deprived of in HS, meet new people, etc. </p>
<p>Last week our school underwent state testing. The seniors are exempt from these tests, and normally they were never asked to come to school. This year it was different, the administration wanted the seniors to show up. Although they probably had good reasoning for us, this is one of the things that us HS Seniors are growing weary of, dealing with a lack of independence.</p>
<p>To all the parents who are dealing with “grumpy” kids, I’d say its natural. I too act like this to my parents, but I don’t do it to be a jerk, or to make them mad, I am just eager to have the freedom that I contemplate every day while I am bored in class, or reading posts in the CC boards. It’s not that I hate them or anything like that, I just want to move on in my life, and although the “second semester of your senior year” has been fun, I feel that it is being dragged on.</p>
<p>So in the words of my friend John, “Let us graduate already!!!”</p>
<p>Hi, Friendshiplady–Sure; different people have different ways of leaving–I never meant anything otherwise in my post. I wasn’t saying that kids who may close up the summer or months before they leave home are from families that are not close…I was saying that we are a close family, but our kids are not what I would call clingy. You can be close and have a clingy kid or close and have a cranky kid, but we don’t seem to have either; we’re just close. That’s all I was saying. Best of luck to you and your son this summer. Peace. :)</p>
<p>I went to college in the south in the '70’s – a time of great change for young women. I was surprised how many in my dorm embraced the Cinderella dream where a handsome young prince would swoop in, find them worthy and erase all their troubles. It was worrisome.</p>
<p>I think I’d be a bit fierce with a clingy daughter. I’d say I am NOT going to be here for you always. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. So, if I love you I’m going to make sure you can drive a car, balance a checkbook, change a tire, grocery shop, and find and keep a job. To the car to practice driving, NOW MARCH! I should 'fess up that I do have a major disability and it’s always been a reality that I may not make it as long as most – so I’ve been on a drive to have my sons be as competent as possible. They are capable young men (not always neat, but capable). The oldest is a senior in HS and he seems fine with checking in. No drama so far – i’d like to think it does have to do with him already having a lot of independence. Will let y’all know how the summer goes. . .</p>
<p>The summer before S went off to college was NOT awful. He was busy and he kept “terrible” hours, but I guess we had expected that. There were a few things we asked him to do regarding grandparents and extended family. He may have minded, but didn’t put up a fuss…but, then, we didn’t ask very often. When he was around (and awake) he was pleasant and funny.</p>
<p>He’s coming home after year 1 tomorrow. I’ve been blithely assuming that this, too, will be pretty easy. After reading all your stories, I’m beginning to think that what we had was too good to be true and that we’re just going to get the summer from Hades a little late!</p>
<p>It’s funny how students say “I want my independence and I don’t care”. Being rude to your parents and claiming that they don’t understand and how we don’t need them. Yet, the minute we’re out of money. MOM, DAD, heey mind if I can have some money love yah!! My point is I don’t care if you’re being cranky or you want your damn independence. There is no excuse for a teenager to ever be rude to their parents nor their elders!!</p>
<p>I actually was forced to move in the middle of my senior year to a foreign country and I have some resentment towards my paretns for that. I love my parents, though, but my family does have some issues and they’ll never get better as far as I can see…I want to be an adult and be able to love my family from afar, but living with them can drive you, literally, insane. I don’t want to be rid of my family at all, I just want to be able to live on my own and make my own decisions, lead my own life, and decide for myself how to think and believe. And they won’t be paying for anything for me anymore, which is great for them, a lot less of a burden.</p>
<p>My son has been extremely distant and impossible to be around since the end of 11 grade. I was so close with him up until 10th grade and I feel like it is my fault that he wants no part of me. He calls me at work to say hello, but when we are home together, he kicks me out of his room and barely says anything to me about his life. His room looks like a tornado hit it all the time, and he refuses to clean anything. He is always out with his friends and never wants to spend any family time together. We live on the East Coast, and he is going to a large Midwestern state university in the fall. I don’t know whether I will cry my eyes out when he leaves, or jump for joy. I feel like a major failure as a mother…</p>
<p>Natstarmd, don’t feel like a failure! He’s trying so hard to grow up which, in his mind, means pushing you away and becoming independent. Just smiling at you and chatting with you impedes his independence – he thinks.</p>
<p>Once he really IS independent, he’ll be a pleasure again.</p>
<p>It’s like the “terrible twos” – you know it’s coming, but when they are two it’s such a struggle. Then, it disappears.</p>
<p>This will disappear too, and you’re not a failure!! If you were close to him once, you will be again.</p>
<p>I don’t know ^^^, the poster who described a son who won’t talk to her except when he feels like it, leaves a hellatious mess in his room, only runs with friends and never has a minute for family would be TOO MUCH for me.
I wouldn’t do it in his precious bedroom or anything (that’s his space) but if it were me I’d tell him I need a family meeting to talk things over.
And I’d take out two chairs onto the porch (some neutral space, rarely used, just a different scene for both of you). Without getting upset, angry or crying, I think I’d tell him how I feel. Give him the face-saving out, “Im sure you have no idea how it’s making me feel, but…” and in a few simple sentences I’d give him some feedback. Some idea of how his actions have a negative response and that your relationship isn’t right, courteous or appropriate.
IF (reading between the lines) you stand in his room and talk til he has to kick you out, maybe you are really annoying, too. Give him a chance to say what’s bothering him about you, too.
Ask if you could each agree to one major change in the next month. Pick one thing (ONE.) Which is most grievous to you: family time, room pickup…?
Ask for some improvement on it. Be very specific, such as, “two meals home each week and one each weekend” or whatever YOU feel is appropriate. Remind him that you both have just these last few months and both want it to be a good memory.;
In return, tell him you’ll try to do ONE thing different to make his life easier, too. If he says he wants privacy in his bedroom, can you respect that and just talk in the other rooms? If he says, “get off my back about clothes on my bedroom floor” can you let it go? It won’t matter in a few months whatsoever. Ask him to close the door until then. Tell him you hope that “someday” he’ll keep a neater room , for the sake of roommates and a wife, “someday.” He’ll remember you said it when it really matters to him, then.
Anyway, I think at this rate he isn’t well-equipped to be a good roommate or boyfriend. He isn’t in relationship with the person he lives with. He’s barely polite. And you might be a nag.
I’d try to talk it out and improve it. There are still many months before September and it could help him in his future relationships at college. IMHO. I know others on CC will see it differently. I just believe in a basic level of courtesy at home and won’t stand for less.</p>
<p>Thank you, VeryHappy, for your vote of confidence. I think you are right about my son trying to push me away to gain his independence. He also wants to distance himself from the academic standards I set for him ( I am a physician). He sets himself up for failure by not studying enough for tests and then, just tells me that he is stupid and can’t meet my expectations. I just expect “B’s” in AP courses, and would like a “3” on the tests. I understand “senioritis”, but I think a child with strong character would want to end his high school career with a sense of satisfaction. My son was very lucky to get into a very strong state university with the challenging curriculum I insisted upon, but less than stellar SAT scores. He should see this as a second chance.</p>
<p>paying3tuitions is probably “right” that I can be a nag sometimes (my son would say “always”), but I think a good parent should insist on certain standards and not negotiate them.</p>
<p>Usually one of the two parents (if both around) is the “questions - the best anit-drug” person, right? In the kid’s mind, she (he) is already in college now. I know, they are still minors and we are legally responsible for their behavior and actions (esp. the bad ones). But it is time for us to ease off asking to know every stop they make on their evening-to-early-morning outings. In 3 months, you will have no idea anyway. Ease up and let them have a small taste of what it will be like. Both they and you will be happier. Of course, The Lines must be emphasized even more strongly. One drink - NO Driving!! Someone gets pregnant - Welcome to being a parent. Get a job, forget college (other than community), and finally, we love you and we will be here to help.</p>
<p>I thought I had a pretty firm handle on my second kid’s activities. Lots of checks and balances, having him call and tell me where he was, communicating with other moms, staying up until he got home, etc. There was one time that he wasn’t sober and he was disciplined for that. Now, a year later, finishing his freshman year in college, he tells me that there was more than one high school incident in which he drove under the influence. That makes me sad but since he is our second, I’m not totally surprised.</p>
<p>I am looking forward to his return this summer and realize I can’t know or control everything he does. It is our practice to give our college graduating kids a few thousand dollars “left over” from their college savings accounts. (Incredibly generous, right? Something my husband and I never got!) I plan to inform DS that getting stopped for DUI could, with increased insurance costs and possibly having to hire a lawyer, cost close to $10,000, and there would go his college graduation present.</p>
<p>My best college buddy got a DUI several years later (shoulda happened sooner) and it very nearly ruined his professional life. Will go on every job app they ever fill out. The kids don’t know this - they really don’t.</p>
<p>All of your mileages may vary, of course, but I’m thinking that the approach described by 2ish is the reason our last summer before college was NOT dreadful. Mildly challenging at times, but not bad at all.</p>
<p>Yeah, ma - just pretend you rented the room to a stranger. When you happen to get to see him, say “Hey, dude. How’s it goin. What was your name again?” Any “rules” attempted will be met with total disbelief and possibly aggression! We will not start to get smarter again until they have their first kids.</p>
<p>2 years ago I lived a block away from the Pacific Ocean, now I’m an hour from the Atlantic Ocean. </p>
<p>The summer before college I was MIA from the homefront all summer… and the week before NSO we all visited campus together and tension levels were super high- my dad and I were constantly arguing, etc etc. </p>
<p>Now I seriously call my parents constantly, and it’s almost like I talk to them more now than I did at home!
I echo what’s been said before me: going to college only strengthens parental bonds because you don’t realize how valuable it is to have a caring adult behind you until you lose them and start screwing up!</p>
<p>They talked me through it when I got my first bona fide Ivy League C+ (after being a valedictorian in HS, that sorta sucked!), what prices were fair at the local grocery store, how to fill out the f$*&#($!ing W2 forms, and even last minute study tips. </p>
<p>To all worried parents - we are annoyed with you after 18 years, but we really really really miss you after 1 month on our own— when our sheets don’t clean themselves, food never appears before us, and the only adults who give us advice are paid to do so.</p>
<p>And colleges know this- they totally capitalize. I’m at penn- during freshmen year they sent my parents letters early october that said first-years usually get depressed after a month or so, and that they should send me gift baskets.
You can guess what came with the letters - a company brochure for gift packages! :)</p>