<p>“the poster who described a son who won’t talk to her except when he feels like it, leaves a hellatious mess in his room, only runs with friends and never has a minute for family would be TOO MUCH for me”</p>
<p>Do I have a twin on this thread – because I could have posted that exact description. I suppose it’s getting us ready for the Fall when he’ll be 3000 miles away (no, he couldn’t have picked a more distant college). And while we’ll be missing him horribly, he won’t have a moment of homesickness – almost 20 of his classmates are going to the same college and his girlfriend will be only 20 minutes away. Makes me glad I made a spare, his younger sister who’ll be around for three more years – which gives me three years to try and convince her that California has good colleges.</p>
<p>HI All
I am new to this board. My oldest daughter (almost 18) will be graduating High School next month and then will be off to New York in October. We live in So Cal. I am very excited for her and know she will do great but I am having a really hard time letting her go emotionally. It hit me like a brick wall last week and I haven’t stopped crying since! I feel like an idiot…she isn’t leaving until the beginning of October. But she is already letting go and it is killing me. We are very close and I can’t even imagine seeing her every few months instead of every day. Any suggestions on how to get thru this crazy, emotional time??</p>
<p>nikkiboo-- I remember well the summer before my D (the oldest) left for college, 6 hours away by car. I knew I was being unreasonable, but I resented the time she spent with her friends and her BF and I became emotional and ultra-sensitive. She tried to be understanding, but she needed to assert her independence. Planning a visit for the fall helped me to calm down a little, as well as getting a web-cam for our computers, so I could SEE her as well as speak to her when she was far away. It was interesting-- as much as she wanted to be on her own, she called me several times daily for the first few months-- we probably talked more then than during the summer before she left! My S leaves in August for an out-of-state school, and I am not nearly as panicked-- but that might be because he is nowhere near as chatty to begin with, so there won’t be as much of that to miss. I highly recommend the book-- Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years".</p>
<p>Cell phones are a great blessing. I also found it helpful to think about all the months in which I would see my daughter: October for fall break/parent’s weekend, November for Thanksgiving, December for Christmas, a long January break, March for spring break. Of course some of that changes as they get older and make plans with friends, but freshman year she wanted to see us a fair amount. There were only a few months–September, February, Aprill–that I didn’t see her. Remind yourself that college is only 7 1/2 months! Good luck!</p>
<p>Well today was a better day. I have been taking in all that people are telling me and it all makes sense. Today my heart is hearing what my head keeps telling me…Today at least! My daughter will be home for Thanksgiving and one week for Christmas…Her school doesn’t have a tradtional calendar so the breaks aren’t as long or frequent. She won’t be back for a break after the Holidays so it will then be a few months before I get to travel out to see her. And she will probably do their summer session as well…It is going to be quite an adjustment for all of us.</p>
<p>This weekend we pick up my son from his freshman year!!!Celebration here and the best Mother’s Day gift I could imagine. </p>
<p>When we left him back in August, I thought that I was going to get sick because the pain of leaving him seemed too great. Somehow we made it to May and one year completed of college! Looking back, I think that I “survived” by taking it from one visit to the next. Thinking in smaller amounts of time might just have made things easier to handle emotionally. My younger kids suffered terribly and the web cam was the best answer we could come up with for them. College hours can be tough for younger siblings to stay connected with their brother/sister. We let the younger sister be his morning wake up call for the first month, while he worked out a schedule. He wasn’t thrilled each morning but we never let him forget that he also has a responsibility to his family while away. Physically leaving the nest doesn’t give him permission to emotionally leave too and family members count on his love, caring and friendship.</p>
<p>Yes, it is extraordinarily difficult to let them go and it is OK to feel pain with the thought of them leaving. If you are lucky enough to have someone who understands your feelings, you will get though this.</p>
<p>Now, I have to go through both a son and a daughter leaving this fall. It’s like having the second baby…you know what to expect and that isn’t always helpful to have in your conscious either.</p>
<p>What out with children that suddenly become distant. My D became like that about a year ago, and boy were we in for a rude surprise a few months ago. We are coping with it the best we can, but my best advice (unfortunately after the fact) is not not give them too much privacy despite what your instincts are telling you.</p>
<p>College is only 7 months if your child goes to a “normal” college. Mine is going to a Federal Academy. He leaves 5 July and I won’t see him until the middle of September and classes end mid June following year and they only get 3 weeks off (that is if they are not at sea); and so much for the cell phone blessing…my boy can only have his cell phone later in the year and then only use it on Sunday! After I say good by on 5 July he’s only allowed a 5 min phone call sometime on Sundays (at least for several months)Sooooo I’m having lots of trouble letting go! LOL</p>
<p>grovvygeek-
I can only imagine your pain today, after the fact. I am sorry!</p>
<p>Suxannegra-
Your son must be a strong individual to accept the boundaries of his choice. Good for him (hard for you)</p>
<p>I will always be a firm believer that a child has a responsibility to his entire family even while they discover their new pathways in life. Letting go of that responsibility is like ignoring that they have a significant and important role in the lives of others.</p>
<p>Its amazing what a huge part of success at an academy has to do with family – support in setting your child free and then the support of knowing you’re there for them when times get tough. (not that different from other schools, but the level of intensity is magnified)</p>
<p>There will be emotions you never thought you’d experience from a kid in college:</p>
<p>That first phone call on Sunday ten days after you watched them go through the door is something a parent will never forget – mine was from a very hoarse, but exillerated Midshipman – others are different and need to just be supportive and listen.</p>
<p>Then, when you first see your kid in September for the first time since July they will be different with a level of poise and confidence you knew was there but only saw glimpses of – it will be there all the time – as will their best manners. (Remind them they don’t have to call you Sir or Ma’am)</p>
<p>The next one comes when you see him being saluted by a Chief Petty Officer who is older than you are.</p>
<p>Then when you send him to sea for the first time.</p>
<p>There are more to come and I’m just watching the ride in amazement and being there if and when he needs me.</p>
<p>LFWB and Suxannegra, you must have extraordinary kids to have gotten one of those coveted places.</p>
<p>My BIL is a Vietnam-era graduate of the Merchant Marine academy. He did his post-graduation commitment and moved on to civilian life. He’s been able to work anywhere in the world that he wanted and always make a nice living.</p>
<p>Thanks, good kids yes, but no more extrodinary than a lot of the kids out there who will go on to serve in many ways and do many great things for many known and unknown colleges.</p>
<p>USMMA is an amazing place. LFWB turned down the Naval Academy to go there and it has proven a great decision for him in every way.</p>
<p>Thank you once again LFWB! I know it will be hard to watch him walk through the gates as this is my “baby,” I hope I remember how to be strong. The day I sent my other “baby” off to the Navy will remain in my heart forever! I hope I can be as strong and supportive this time around!</p>
<p>That’s like every summer for me. I guess my mom is just relaxed. She just wants me to be there when she wakes up. I’m also a very trustworthy kid, don’t do dumb stuff. My guess is this summer won’t be any different.</p>
<p>Sometimes they come back and are just using the old homestead as a place to crash … but other times they come home and are just so responsible and helpful and wonderful to have around that you wonder how you raised such a great kid!</p>
<p>My daughter is often a bit quiet for a day or so. I can tell she is a little annoyed at being in the middle of all our homely routines. It is a big adjustment for her, and I try not to say anything. Then that goes away and she is agreeable.</p>
<p>My son just finished his freshman year. To be honest, our house sounds very similar to what calvinrm described. Summer before freshman year, was much like the preceding summers, not too much drama, but just enough to know we have a teen in the house. I’m a pretty relaxed mom with a kiddo who doesn’t do “dumb stuff” too often either. That’s one of the reasons I have the luxury of being a relaxed mom, and I really do appreciate it.</p>
<p>The main changes that were noticeable during breaks were that my two boys really valued their time together. My younger son, who is a freshman in high school, gave his brother a big hello hug last week, which warmed my heart. Now, I don’t expect this honeymoon phase to last the entire summer, but it’s nice to see it, and know it’s there just under the surface. </p>
<p>A lot depends on the kids, but our family works well without a lot of rules. The ones we have, we do enforce. For example: mutual respect (that may mean that although we respect our son as an adult, we expect a midnight phone call if he decides he’s going to be very late coming in), absolutely no drinking and driving (we once went out and picked up a few of his friends at 1 a.m. who had been drinking and didn’t have a way to get home) - our son was home watching a movie with brother, family chores (dishes, vacuuming, bathroom, etc). </p>
<p>For us, respecting our son as an adult member of the family is repaid by him acting like an adult member of the family, <em>usually</em>.</p>
<p>My S is finishing his junior year. He’s always been moody, but it has definitely gotten worse lately. He just wants “out” - doesn’t want to be anywhere near Oregon for college, is bored with school, has senioritis already, is surly and nasty some of the time, and generally not a pleasant person to be around. Especially to me. Then there are times that he’s a pretty nice kid and fun to hang around. He’s always been a little bit Jekyll/Hyde, even as a toddler.</p>
<p>I’m trying not to let it get to me, but it hurts. Our relationship just feels very strained right now, and I don’t see it getting better in the next year before he leaves. I have hope that after he’s away for awhile, he will grow up a little, stop being so egocentric, and things will get better.</p>
I’m a pretty relaxed mom with a kiddo who doesn’t do “dumb stuff” too often either. 
That’s one of the reasons I have the luxury of being a relaxed mom, and I really do appreciate it.</p>