<ol>
<li>Keep a public profile on FB, and that will hopefully govern your general behavior.</li>
<li>College is just the means to the end; think about what your post grad plans are and that will hopefully more incrementally govern your class decisions/choice of major/extras, etc.</li>
<li>We gave our D her living expenses (room/board) in lump sum at the beginning of her frosh year, and she has watched her savings/checking/investment account dwindling each successive semester. She is much wiser about her discretionary spending, and is learning how to pace expenses.</li>
<li>We kept her passport at home (hoping to curtail affinity for travelling down to Mexico. Normally I would be enamored of her foreign travel, but with violence/kidnapping and now health issues, Mexico is OFF the table for the near future).</li>
<li>She’s living off campus. If her gpa goes below a certain point, she’s back on campus (where there are less lifestyle/social distractions to detract from academics.)</li>
</ol>
<p>DH mentioned a couple of days ago that he is really going to have to enlighten DD before she leaves this fall. I think I’ll just print out this thread for her. It covers it all!</p>
<p>Colmom–I would have listed almost identical list…for some reason reading the “I’m here for you” made me tear up. </p>
<p>my s (college freshman) has done well in actualizing several of these and I’m proud of him…and my d (h.s. senior) is getting ready for the start of many…definitely not one talk, but we all know that.</p>
<p>My “talk” would be different for each of my kids, one I suggested that he try some crazy new things, while another needs to be reminded to not get too crazy. really…</p>
<p>Don’t drink when you’re sad, angry, or alone, was what I told my little brother when he went off to college. We have a family history of alcoholism.</p>
<p>My dad’s “talk” involved him patting me on the shoulder at arm’s length and nervously saying, “Okay, uhhh… Have fun… Not too much fun… And seriously, watch out for the boys, because uhhh… I remember being that age. <em>sheepish cringe</em>…”</p>
<p>Similarly, another friend’s father taught his three girls to parrot the line “boys are vermin” from an early age.</p>
<p>My kid was not about to sit still for a <em>TALK.</em></p>
<p>So I invented dinner table sound bites. I think he decided to live by a couple of them.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Don’t snap to judgement about your roommate. I told him I remembered taking one look at my freshman roommate and thinking (silently) “This will never work.” Within a week, my roommate and I were best friends.</p></li>
<li><p>Try things </p></li>
<li><p>Know about alcohol poisoning. Never let a friend “sleep it off.”</p></li>
<li><p>Expect it to be hard. Manage your time. Attend all classes. Seek help if you need it. You will do fine.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>although i agree with most of what has been said, and the idea that students need to be responsible for the consequences of their actions, I also included the repeteated line that served as a bottom line from HS, that you can always call me, ask me a question, about anything. In HS it use to include the I will pick you up and if there are any issues we can discuss them later. Freshman son is way too far away to get picked up if there is a problem, but although legally adults, they are still learning to negotiate the world, and if my sage advice or listening ear is required or requested, I want my kid to feel it is available.
It doesnt mean I am always “nice” or agreeable. One time I believe my response was, have you lost your mind? or some variation on that.
Many, many years ago I was sent to college with a fabulous talk from my father:
“I believe by now you have experimented with sex, drugs and alcohol. Just remeber everything in moderation!”
From where I sit now, it is amusing, at the time I felt very much alone, set adrift…and hadn’t done all that much experimentng either:) Perhaps, as is often the case, my parenting reflects what I would have wanted as a kid… a port in a storm.</p>
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<p>This is good advice. In my experience professors will write tests around the material presented in class much more than the reading. The reading is what what somebody else wrote. The lectures are the professor’s own gems of insight and wisdom. Which do you think s/he will want the students to focus on?</p>
<p><a href=“from%20jmmom”>quote</a>
My kid was not about to sit still for a <em>TALK.</em></p>
<p>So I invented dinner table sound bites.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I not only had trouble getting him to sit still for a <em>talk</em>, I couldn’t keep his attention at the dinner table either. I finally got his FULL attention in the car as we drove him to campus on move-in day.</p>
<p>It would be fun to turn this into The Talk Our Parents Gave US Before They Sent Us Off To College.</p>
<p>My dad told me when I was a 17 year old headed off to college in the 70’s…“I’d rather you came home pregnant than on drugs. But don’t come home pregnant.” (Miss you, Daddy and yeah, I’m still telling that story.) 8)</p>
<p>I think the best messages with this group of young adults are cautionary tales of our own foibles, which at this point I think we could own up to. I know my kids tune out lectures by vacuously nodding, but they like it when I admit some weakness of character or misstep. This way, we’re sharing the message and it’s more accessible.</p>
<p>investorscooter, when I do share any of my “foibles” with my young adult children I am quick to point out that those were different times. Before AIDS for one thing and that the drugs were completely different then. This was before meth, etc.<br>
Different rules for different times.</p>
<p>investorscooter - </p>
<p>Recently, I started to share one of my more wild college moments with my kids when I noticed a funny look on my D’s (she’s 15) face. I stopped talking and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I am so disappointed. I look up to you.” Those words set me back on my heels. I am very careful about which stories I now tell. I will share an occasional wild college moment with my S (he starts college in the fall), but I make sure my D is not around and that the story is watered down. Who knew!?</p>
<p>ebeee: you are absolutely right, risky behavior can now have more severe consequences! That said, I still believe in being straight with my kids about my learning lessons and I believe they are more open to the messages when I share life lessons rather than when I even try to gently present ideas lecture style. Each child is different, though, so whatever works. I just know that my daughter was almost “shocked” into paying close attention because when it came time to talk about living a life on her own, my approach was different and personal.</p>
<p>colmomto2: wow, you’re right, each child is different! I think my D wants to feel closer to me (we’re the only girls), and so she enjoys the share stories, which then become conversations. My younger S might be the kind who would rather not hear about past decisions gone awry. I kind of like to wait for teachable moments, when a situation comes up and we can then discuss the issues. I WOULD be more sensitive about how I conveyed information to my S.</p>
<p>How to get them to go to class - Divide the cost of tuition by the number of class times they might have, to come up with a real cost for each class. Then let them know that if they decide to sleep in and miss that early AM class, they just flushed a couple of hundred down the toilet. At the very least they will feel extremely guilty when they do miss class. Also remind them what YOU have to do to earn that exact amount of money.</p>
<p>My niece was the one who reminded me to tell my kids to ONLY have sex in YOUR room - then you know for sure that there are no cameras on you!!! </p>
<p>I have 3 kids out of college - STDs are rampant on college campuses. Make sure they know if they are sexually active they need to be getting tested regularly for ALL STDs and scare the crap out of them by telling them how many STDs are not easlily ‘curable.’ </p>
<p>For girls, especially, they need to have a point person to let know who they are with and where they are going if they go out with someone they do not know at all and have no connection to. At the very least, they can leave a note on their desk, easy to find if needed, and should let a room mate know if they are going to be gone for more than one night. OR, have a deal like, if I am gone for more than one night and I have not told you I was going away, call someone!!! You may want to give the roommate your phone number, and get hers - but only call each other in a dire emergency!!! RA’s could work the same way as an alternative.</p>
<p>Remind them that compulsive disorders run in the genes, in case your child is high risk, make sure they know it!</p>
<p>Tell them to keep sober/drug free because at least then when they do something stupid, they will have made it a choice.</p>