<p>My parents’ generation cared for several bedridden elderly invalids at home, sometimes for a couple of decades. My generation has been caring for an elderly stroke victim, with very diminished capacity, for more than a decade. Beyond the monetary costs, I don’t want my children to spend precious years of their lives doing this for me and have discussed it with them repeatedly. They are getting old enough that they can imagine life without me and agree to my wishes on this. Although I would like to survive a minor stroke or heart attack, I find myself wondering if I am even going to call 911 if I am home by myself. If I end up incapacitated, my family knows what to do. I try to stay healthy and enjoy the present.</p>
<p>I am not advocating this course for anyone else.</p>
<p>But now that my children are pretty well “cooked” I am just not that worried about dying.</p>
<p>I seem to agree with you most of the time, and this is no exception.</p>
<p>I have always felt I would live a healthy life and die at 93. It’s just an intuition, but it’s always been so specific, I just Kind of “know.”</p>
<p>But, if I am wrong, and I become severely and chronically ill to the point where I become some horrific burden on those around me? I would much rather die. I have a DNR, obviously. </p>
<p>I look at my grandmother, the most amazing woman I ever knew, truly. She was still running 5Ks at 85, busy, volunteering, working with others. Back when she was young she worked when women didn’t because she wanted to be “interested” in life. And what she did was amazing work with Hull House.</p>
<p>Now, she is in a home, she chose and paid for in advance, before she became ill. She didn’t want to be a “burden.” But, she knows nobody. She goes to the nurse’s station every morning to “check out of this hotel. Could you call me a cab?” </p>
<p>My parents are moving to an assisted living place tomorrow.</p>
<p>My brother walked around the place and said, “If I ever get loopy, just shoot me in the head”.</p>
<p>My grandmother, near the end, was retaining water…had heart issues…she was probably going to drown, and she asked the doctor how she could kill herself…and the doctor and the hospital helped her kill herself. She was 91.</p>
<p>Then I look at a friend’s father that just died. He was 84 and he had pancreatic cancer. He was withering away, and he never wanted to die. Never. Not even on his death bed.</p>
<p>I don’t know how I am going to think or feel if I am failing. I am surprised I haven’t had an interest to watch one world series game. Ok…it is game 7 tonight. I may watch. Maybe.</p>
<p>There is an assisted living place in my area where all the “cool” old folks go to hang out until they die. They have a really great time. I am invited for dinner in the group dining room fairly often and there is some very serious partying going on.</p>
<p>My Mom is at a assisted living center specifically for dementia patients … it is a great place and she is getting better care and is MUCH more social than when she was last at home. That said when she first moved in it was tough because she knew, and had a reaction, each time a resident “left” … now it’s not as bad as she no longer understands what is actually happening when someone “leaves”.</p>
<p>Of course the decision should be an individual one. But our healthcare system can only make money when it provides healthcare, and the expectation is that seniors will pursue non-palliative medical care at very advanced ages. I work in senior care and know of many instances of expensive, pointless medical care in the last year of life that results in what all of us dread, for ourselves or our loved ones – prolonged suffering by a frail, helpless individual. The fact is that medical care is going to fail every one of us eventually. Perhaps the issue is simply too emotionally and politically loaded for healthcare providers and elected officials to discuss openly. Yeah, they should, but it hurts to be accused of wanting to kill old people. As individuals, though, we can and should be able to make those decisions for ourselves.</p>
<p>At my senior center, we recently revamped the registration form to ask if the registrant has a DNR – our thinking was that we’d request a copy and would know whether to attempt resuscitation or have 911 called in case of a collapse here. Well, something like 50 percent of them say they do, and we had NO IDEA. We couldn’t have honored their wishes because they never told us what their wishes are. We all think that our mortality will kick in later. It’s in our natures to cling to life. Maybe that’s why we consume so much health care even when it might result in only another few days of a very poor quality of life. A friend says that the boomers will be far worse about end-of-life issues than previous generations, since we think we’re redefining old age – asks if we’re going to redefine death, too.</p>
<p>"My Mom is at a assisted living center specifically for dementia patients … it is a great place and she is getting better care and is MUCH more social than when she was last at home. That said when she first moved in it was tough because she knew, and had a reaction, each time a resident “left” … now it’s not as bad as she no longer understands what is actually happening when someone “leaves”.</p>
<p>3togo your post remimded of this…
My grandmother was talking to a fellow resident…when the resident dropped dead. Just dropped dead. That was a little disturbing for my grandmother.</p>
<p>My dad is starting to lose it a little…just a little…which is one reason my parents are moving to an assisted living center.</p>
<p>The other day my dad said “his dad” really like my son. I said , “Dad, your dad died in 1964. My son was born in 1988”. </p>
<p>My dad said, "OH. Well, my dad would have liked your son. "</p>
<p>Oh, well. My Dad is living on his own for the first time this year, and refuses to wear one of those Health Alert necklaces, even. And he is definitely losing it a bit. He is fiercely independent, as well as a MCP, and needs to feel that he is and always will be top male dog in our family (I have four brothers…), so there is no such thing as decision-making FOR him. Oh, and he has LOTS of health issues.</p>
<p>Anyway, this thread has gone from: the 1% to income redistribution to social security to euthanasia to… the latest vector in STD’s!</p>
<p>As to your comparison to a college dorm, dstark, I wonder if “getting into” the “right” retirement home will become as hard as getting into college. Will there be a USNWR ranking for assisted living facilities? Will there be “Retirement Home Confidential”!!!</p>
<p>My grandmother’s demantia is such that she is convinced every morning that she is in a hotel in Paris. So, there’s that. (she loved Paris.)</p>
<p>She is a part of the 1%, and she is definitely not stable. Just to stay relevent to the thread title.</p>
<p>The place she is is graduated so that she started out in a very nice apartment when she was completely healthy and had no idea what her future held. She had cats and cooked dinner and had dinner parties, there, with her old friends as well as new. By the time she was moved to the “home” part of it, she probably had no idea.</p>
<p>She always thinks I’m her best friend from high school when I see her and is always asking about my husband, Ray. (Needless to say I don’t even know anyone named Ray.) I just give her the details of my own life. She’s fine with it. She’s physically perfectly fine. It hurts my mother more than it hurts me. But, she was my grandmother and didn’t really have the details of my life, anyway.</p>
<p>“I wonder if “getting into” the “right” retirement home will become as hard as getting into college. Will there be a USNWR ranking for assisted living facilities? Will there be “Retirement Home Confidential”!!!”</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>It was reallly difficult to get into some of the nicer places before the housing collapse. Elderly people were selling their homes to pay for assisted living…and now with lower home prices…vacancies have opened up.</p>
<p>A teacher of my daughter waited 12 years to get into her place. She is at the Tamalpais for those that know Marin County. She wanted a specific place with a view. The place cost hundreds of thousands …which you don’t get back…plus several thousand a month.</p>
<p>So 12 years…that is a long time. That is 3 cycles of college.</p>
<p>My folks are “only” spending 5,000 to get into a place and 6200 a month or more to live there…</p>
<p>It’s month to month. it is a nice place. Not as nice as the Tamalpais…and I am sure there are places that cost more than the Tamalpais. Many places.
There is one in Palo Alto that is pretty expensive.
These places cost more than college.</p>
<p>I hope the money doesn’t run out…I promised my folks it wouldn’t. :)</p>
<p>I don’t know about retirement home confidential…I was definitely looking up reviews online. :)</p>
<p>Where I live there are two extremely nice assisted living places: one heavily republican and one with mainly democrats & independents & radicals – guess where my friends live? :)</p>
<p>There is at least an 8 year wait list. You buy in and some people sell their homes to afford it. Because it is so popular, some people get on the list long before they need it and if they are “lucky” move in when they are barely 65. One very recently retired couple got a spot and moved in last year but spend most of their time at vacation homes they own. This place really is like college/dorm life for wealthy grown-ups.</p>