This is a specific question, but more general advice would be appreciated.
Kids are between 5 and 15. Family vacation is scheduled next month, all paid for. Parent 1 drops the bomb that divorce is only option and has talked to a lawyer already. Parent 2 knew something was up, but now is scrambling in the first days after verbal notification. No papers served yet, Parent 2 is trying to get a lawyer quickly.
What should they do about the vacation, planned together and they don’t want to tell the children about separating until things are more settled? I think they can both stomach being together, but I suggested to try to get another room and have one parent with each set of kids. But could it be worse than trying to cancel and get money back, to have divorcing parents vacation together “one last time” so the kids could be introduce slowly to the concept of parents splitting?
Another detail - zero chance of reconciliation based on Parent 1 and work constraints. Parents have not shared a room for a few years due to “bad back” so two hotel rooms might not raise a red flag.
My sympathies to all involved. And I’ve never been close to this situation, so take my advice for what it’s worth.
But a 15 year old can sense when something is radically wrong. I don’t think it’s fair to keep him/her in the dark. Most certainly, I don’t think it’s fair to go on a vacation where we all pretend we’re one happy family, only to drop the bomb later that it was all a lie.
And it’s absolutely not fair to drop that bomb in a month when a new school year is starting, but when you knew about it in July.
A 5 year old may be a different matter. But I think that a 15 year old deserves to know as soon as possible that his/her parents are divorcing, and that no reconciliation is possible. Will it kill the vacation? Probably. But at least the 15 year old won’t feel like he/she has been lied to and treated like a child.
This isn’t about getting your money’s worth out of a vacation. It’s about doing what’s best for each member of the family.
I think if one parent is not going the 15 year old probably will know. Can they remain civil enough to have the last vacation together as a family like Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow separation?
The parent who dropped the bomb has his/her ducks in a row already.
The other one has work to do – starting with finding a lawyer. That parent might appreciate having a week or so with no kids around in which to get stuff done.
On a more general note, I think it’s important to remember that kids are entitled to whatever reaction they may have to a divorce. Some are very upset. Some are more-or-less indifferent (they have lots of friends with divorced parents; they don’t consider it a big deal). Some focus only on issues of direct concern to them. (Will we have to move? Will I have to change schools?) There is no right or wrong way for kids to react, and I don’t think they should be criticized for their reactions.
My parents split up when I was 9 and my sister was 6. She was very, very upset about our dad moving out; I wasn’t. I was angry because the divorce meant that we would have to move to another school district, and I had just been assigned to the class of the most popular teacher at my school – something I had been looking forward to immensely. My sister got a lot of support from family members; I got a lot of grief for being callous and superficial. I still resent that, decades later.
I didn’t realize how close we were to getting a divorce until we went on our traditional vacation. Our time together (just 4 of us) made it impossible for my ex and I not to realize it was the end. We were a lot more hostile and impatient with each other because there was no escape from each other. My kids paid for it. We had a lot of happy family vacations, but the last one will always be the one they remember.
I would cancel the vacation. If they are not ready to tell the kids yet then make up an excuse. I don’t think the 15 year old deserve to know it any more than then the 5 year old. It wouldn’t be fair to ask the 15 year old to keep it as a secret from the 5 year old. Their reactions will be different and they will feel differently, but it is not going to be easier for one than for the other. Just be very sure they are indeed going to separate, and have a very clear message on how they are going to operate going forward - who is moving out and when, how are they going to continue to support the children (both emotionally and financially).
If flights are involved, no one else could fill in for one of the parents without having to pay extra. Obviously I don’t know the details, but it sounds like this couple has been living “separately” for years. (Guessing that the “bad back” could mean that another person is involved?) If I were in this situation, I would go on the vacation for the sake of the kids since it is already paid for and they are probably looking forward to it. Try to “enjoy” it as much as possible (as far as the locale, sightseeing, activities) and remain civil/polite with spouse. And tell kids afterward.
But it all depends on how broken up parent 2 is over this news. It sounds like this was something parent 2 saw coming so maybe not complete devastation/blindsided, etc. Can parent 2 get through this calmly? (i.e. how emotional is she/he, how good of an actor?)
I know some divorced couples who routinely take family vacations together, celebrate kids’ birthdays, visit kids out of state–staying in ex’s home–all this even with new spouses present. And others so angry that can’t tolerate the sight of their former spouses.
So. . .it all depends.
Since these are forums related to college, are the parents still civil enough to be able to find an agreement on what to do about college costs for the kids?
My SIL and her husband had a very civil divorce. No lawyers were involved. They divided close to $20 million of assets among themselves without the lawyer. I’m sure it’s unheard of on CC. Of course it depends on the marriage.
Tough situation and condolences to all involved. If there really is no chance of reconciliation then I don’t think faking it through a vacay for the sake of the kids is the best option. I’d second what someone else said which is first talk to each other, spouse to spouse, and hopefully out of that meeting agree at least to be civil during the divorce proceedings. Then, if there really is no chance to reconcile, talk to the kids. That is going to be heart breaking but it is also an opportunity to teach them that sometimes life deals you a bad break. You’ve got to move on.
Let them know in straight forward honest terms how and why it is happening and how both the parents still ove and support them but are just better apart then they are together.
This happened to a friend of mine. They went on the vacation and told the kids afterward. The kids felt betrayed and devastated. On the other hand, they probably would have felt betrayed, devastated AND done out of a much-anticipated trip if the parents had acted otherwise.
^To add to oldfort’s story, close relatives of ours recently came to a decision to divorce. Have two adult kids. had already planned a trip to visit the one who lives in Europe, bringing the other who lives independently from them. Did not want to tell them over the phone or separately, so told them both when they were all in Europe together. It did NOT go well. Both kids had been really looking forward to the time all together, and it was basically ruined by how it was handled (on advice of counselor, ironically.)
I don’t think the children would be in a position to judge whether the discord between their parents would ruin the vacation. @Oldfort’s daughters might have been able to do that, but one is an independent adult and the other is a college student; the kids the OP is talking about are younger.
Also, what do you do if everyone still wants to go on the vacation except the 15-year-old? Do you leave a child that age home alone?
Remember that if you give kids a choice, you had better be able to live with their answers, no matter what they may be.
“Suzy, Sammy, we are getting a divorce. And because of the divorce, we aren’t going to Disney World now”.
Why hurt the kids twice, if it can be avoided.
The parents need to have a mature discussion and decide which parent is still taking the kids on vacation, or if splitting time with them on vacation can somehow work. Is either parent “at fault” for the divorce (affair, abuse, or something like that)? Then that parent is the one who should graciously back out. Perhaps it can be an opportunity for the parent who will be getting custody of the kids a chance to start helping them adjust to this new configuration.
The most mature divorce I ever witnessed was a couple from my church. They essentially gave the children possession of the home (set up a trust and both parents split cost of maintenance and utilities). The parents then rented an apartment, and took turns living in it,a month at a time, while the other was with the kids. That way the kids lives were not disrupted by having to remember what got left at which parent’s home, where they would be living when the science project was due, and stuff like that.
It’s really a no-win situation. I think having both parents go on the vacation is just too risky. Either have one go, or cancel it entirely, would be my thought.
Good point about secret keeping, @DrGoogle … I hadn’t thought of that.
So I would sit the family down and let them know what’s going on.
When I had a scary health crisis a few years ago, we told each of the kids, on a level they could understand. It eradicated a lot of what they were going to imagine was wrong.
The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.