Thank you for your responses and well wishes. Parent 2 is definitely in shock mode. When I read the various answers, it’s clearer how hard this will be for them, as neither has a supportive family and there is no grandparent or aunt/uncle/cousin option to help with childcare.
I think Marian has a point - the 15 year old might actually be a flight risk if they found out and they had to decide “stay home with your grandparents who are too old and disinterested to watch you or go with us knowing we are getting a divorce”.
If the 5 year old weren’t in the picture, the older kids could be told, at least I would if I were their ages. But I’m not sure how to tell all of them, considering the different ages.
And geography is already involved, which both complicates matters in terms of custody later, and makes the vacation almost definitely the last time they will be together “as a family”. I don’t think they can get a refund, and yes the kids look forward to a vacation to the same place every year.
I don’t know if either of them could handle all their kids alone on vacation based on their mental states. All of your advice is good to think about.
I sort of lived this situation. My ex wanted to delay telling the offspring for a couple of weeks. We consulted a child psychiatrist as to how we should break the news.
His advice way back then was to tell the offspring as soon as possible and have dad leave as soon as possible afterwards. The actual packing up of dad’s stuff and the physical move out of the home should be done when the kids aren’t there. Then, dad should come back to see the kids ASAP after leaving, so kids will know he’s going to stay in touch.
Some kids think that a divorce is their fault. Not all kids feel this way, but some do. “If I only I was a good girl and didn’t make daddy (or mommy) angry, daddy (or mommy) wouldn’t leave.” So, when they sense daddy (or mommy) might leave, they twist themselves into pretzels trying to be super good so daddy (or mommy) will stay.
Believe me, your kids already know something is seriously wrong with your marriage. They are living in an incredibly stressful atmosphere. For SOME kids, knowing the decision has been made and it’s all over can actually come as a relief.
My own solution would be to tell the kids now. Then the parent who wants out should move out immediately. Then decide what to do about vacation. The parent who is leaving the family home might want to go on it alone with the kids. Show them (s)he still loves them. Or maybe the one staying can do it. That’s up to you.
If the decision is made, act on it now. Ripping off the band aid hurts, but doing it very, very slowly is excruciating.
How sad. What kind of person sees a lawyer then announces that “divorce is the only option” to their soon to be ex just before a family vacation? (And what does “zero chance of reconciliation based on…work constraints” mean? Unless one spouse wants to work in a diff. time zone, or not work at all, I don’t see how that’s relevant.)
Maybe I’m too suspicious, but I have to wonder if the timing was purposeful. Is the spouse who’s initiating the divorce one who would hide money? Is Parent 2 on all the accounts? Does s/he know how much is in them? If I were Parent 2, I wouldn’t be concentrating on the vacation. I’d cancel it and focus on making sure my finances were in order.
They can’t go on vacation & pretend like things are normal, because they’re not. They could tell the children and still go, but I think that could mislead the younger kids. What a terrible blow it would be to believe your parents were staying together only to realize later that you were wrong.
As I mentioned, there is geography - Parent 1 is a salesperson who works half a day away by car and sometimes is not home during the week.
Yes, there is suspicion, and since there are two states, I understand who files first matters a lot if Parent 1 has established residency in the other state unbeknownst to Parent 2.
(My parents fought a lot when I was young - I wished they divorced because how nasty they got to each other, especially my mom to my dad. But I never thought about what would have happened if they did divorce and how much turmoil it would have caused.)
@rhandco My understanding is that residency for child custody purposes is based on where the children live.
I presume parent 2 is your friend. She/he needs to take some time and find the right attorney. It is a big decision and hiring the right one is so important. She/he can get consultations from several and make sure they are protected in the near future.
She/he can counter file and push for all proceedings to be in the marital state.
Getting the finances in order is key. Make sure your friend has solid data on their role as a parent (shouldn’t be too hard with parent 1’s travel schedule.)
Post #16, I don’t mean the children should be able to judge, but tell them the news and see if they want to go to vacation. But I made that comment assuming it’s similar to our family situation in that both parents are living in the same house and they have to live in the same until the divorce so in a sense they have to learn to be cordial. But this case one of the parent is physically not in the same household and that makes a different.
D2 was 20 when it happened. She accidentally heard her dad say something flipping to a friend a year ago as to why we broke up. I think he meant it as a joke (at least I hope he did), but D2 took it to heart and blamed herself for our break up. I only found out recently, and no matter what I said she didn’t quite believe me. Until this happened to us, I thought divorce only affected younger children, I didn’t think it would be so hard for my adult children.
From my personal experience, I really do advise against going on this trip.
For the next few years, every holiday, milestone is going to be hard for this family until there is a new norm (new tradition).
This year I let my girls plan our family vacation (just 3 of us). We had few rough moments, but overall we had a good time. A few months later we went on my extended family vacation, and it was a lot better.
I’m sorry your friend has to deal,with this difficult issue.
My take…they will not be “vacationing as a family” for the last time. That happened on their LAST vacation. One parent has already decided that he or she does not want to be in this family any longer.
How special is this trip? Is it the first trip to Disney? Or a long awaited trip to Hawaii? If not special, I would cancel it entirely.
If special for some reason, I would not have both parents attend. Even with separate rooms, it’s not going to be like every previous family vacation…and the kids will notice…even the five year old.
I was dating my future husband when his parents broke up. He was a junior in college at the time. It was surprisingly hard on him, and it got worse when both of his parents remarried within the next couple of years. He didn’t fit into either of his parents’ new homes after the divorce, and he felt even more out of place when they created new households with strangers who never became like family to him.
My own parents split up when I was 9. I think that was actually easier. I grew up as a member of two families, and I always felt that I belonged to both. There were plenty of awkward moments and situations, but I never felt as though I had lost my family. I may have lost my gloves, my piano lesson folder, my library books, or my retainer at one house or the other, but I didn’t lose my family until my parents died many years later. My future husband lost his family at 20 – or at least that’s how it felt to him.
And you should have seen our wedding. His parents were not speaking to each other. Mine were able to speak to each other but felt very awkward in each other’s presence. And there were three stepparents in attendance who obviously would have preferred to be in a more pleasant situation such as a dentist’s chair or the line at the DMV. I think my new husband and I set a world’s record for getting the heck out of there as quickly as possible after the ceremony.
It different for different family. My SIL decided to divorce her ex- husband but when he remarried within 2 years, she got a card to congratulate him and his new wide on the wedding. All of her kids signed the card.
But what I see is the effect off the divorce on adult kids is that they are unsure about getting married themselves. Her girls are attractive but only one is married now and she married to a guy whose family also went through a divorce. It’s like what bonds them at first because I’ve heard it mentioned by my SIL multiple times. All kids were older than 20s, when they decided to divorce. The kids are all in their 30s now.
I think it’s easy to assume that the older the kid the more “rational” about the divorce they will be–but careful! Adolescents and young adults often have a much harder time. They are trying to be independent and exert their individuality, but underneath it are relying on the family as a stable anchor.
Especially at Christmas. Only a grown child of divorced parents who’s married to another grown child of divorced parents knows what it’s like to have to participate in four Christmas celebrations and act enthusiastic about all of them.
This doesn’t impress me all that much because it implies that the kids were not invited to their father’s wedding.
He decided to get married to a person without a wedding. Yes it was a surprised but so what. What I meant was there were no animosity toward him from my SIL. She talks to him often and he was invited to a lot of family’s occasion like wedding and such.
As I said upthread, my young relatives whose parents are divorcing are in their 20’s and they are very upset, one particularly. I think after an entire childhood of intact family (and not a rancorous one) it just didn’t occur to them that it wouldn’t always be that way.
Another question would be–is it really over? Maybe parent 1 is being pressured from outside person to divorce parent 2… Maybe parent 2 wants to stay married and can change parent 1’s mind. If there’s no way parent 1 is going to reconsider staying in the marriage, that is one thing. But not everyone who consults a lawyer and tells spouse he/she wants a divorce ends up getting divorced. No papers yet. OP said zero chance of reconciliation (not sure what factors into this), but it’s not over 'til it’s over.
I’ve seen both situations with people who caught their spouses cheating. One cheater would not consider counseling, wanted new life, and that was it, nothing spouse could do. Ugly divorce. Another one agreed to counseling, reconciled with spouse, and family is still together.
Atomom, I think you are being optimistic. I know a couple where the husband moved In with his g/f, then back to wife. While they are now in their 90’s, she still doesn’t trust him. Yes, many “wandering” spouses return to the nest, but will they live happily? Contentedly?
In OP’s post, I’d say let the couple decide who takes the kids on vacation. Talk to them beforehand. Let the naive one take time in finding a divorce attorney she/he feels comfortable with. Many long term consequences to a divorce, so no need to rush. Cooler heads prevail after some time. Ultimately, it can be great if the child feels loved by both parents, but too often, one disappears completely.
My SIL and BIL went on a family vacation a few weeks ago after having separated the month before. Surprisingly, everyone had a great time. The dad roomed with his son. I can only see this working if the couple remains amicable - that’s a big “if”, especially when lawyers are involved. I’d tell the kids now and see how everything goes in the next few weeks. If the parents don’t think they can get along, I agree with above poster that parent 1 should opt out.
I think parent 1 handled this selfishly regarding the timing, especially since they have lived with this situation for some time. And I think the 15 yr-old probably aleady knows what’s going on.
I agree with those who believe there is just too much risk of a bad outcome here, particularly since P2 is in shock. IMO they should cancel the vacation, forfeit the cost, take as long as is needed to grieve, and begin the process of healing.
D had a friend whose parents were legally separated tho they shared a house and remained amicable. When the kids went off to college, the mom moved out to her family’s property near the older D’s college. They had a grad party where both parents attended and were cordial. Sadly, the mom died of cancer shortly after the Ds were in college. I’m not sure whether a divorce was ever finalized. This situation was at a very different stage than OP’s scenario.
My friend’s parents divorced when she was in HS and her sibs were in JR high. It was hard on all of them especially since the mom was very bitter and wanted the kids to side only with her against their dad. There were a lot of issues and I believe all the kids had counseling but all have some relationship now with both parents, including the spouses that their dad has had since the divorce (he’s on wife #3,j whom he’s now been with for decades).