My mom divorced my dad when I was in the third grade and she never “officially” told me. Every time I’d ask why dad wasn’t with us, why we moved from our home town, etc., she’d simply ignore me. I eventually stopped with the questions and lived life.
My advice would be to go along with it and not tell the kids what’s happening.
H & I were seperated for over a year, 15 years ago.
I barely remember it, only that it was very difficult, but we are very happy now.
Our separation was not over infidelity and it was my choice.
I think they at least they owe themselves a solid effort if they have not tried counseling.
At least as a resource for the whole family.
^^^There’s probaby another woman/man in the picture. One parent has been sleeping in another bedroom for years due to a “bad back”. Riiiggghhhhtttttt. So working through it isn’t an option.
Why would they still be doing everything else together if there was another person in the picture?
I would love to have my own bedroom & bathroom, if we had room!
^^
My husband and I have slept separately for more than half of our marriage. I am an active dreamer and nearly killed him a few times. Visitation rights but no overnight stay for his safety ever since the chokehold episodes.
Divorce isn’t always due to infidelity. Husband could have other reasons. Maybe he is gay. Maybe he just doesn’t like being married. Maybe they have issues that cannot be resolved.
Reason for divorce doesn’t matter.
How they comtinue to jointly care for the kids does.
From what I’ve read on wsj, 25% of marriages have slept in separate bedroom and there are more people requesting snore room on new houses. Some starts out the night sleeping in the same bed until the snoring gets too overwhelming. This was under the real estate section.
H snores but it doesn’t bother me too much. He has been stealing my pillows lately but I think that’s because the dog steals his.
I do know a couple who had to sleep separately because the H had violent dreams, and also sleep apnea. They have a big house so it worked out for them. I wonder how they travel though.
Good luck to your friend, OP. I know some people who were stunned with the rapidity of their divorce and the aftershocks lasted a long, long, time. Advise counseling for your friend, along with everything else she has to do.
I admit to the occasional escaping to another bedroom when my husband snores. He doesn’t do it every night, and some nights I can get him to stop if I just touch his arm or shoulder, but other nights, nothing works.
@kkmama, YIKES on the “choke hold episodes”!
H goes to bed at 7pm or so because he gets up at 4am. ( he sets his alarm to go off every 8 minutes for 30 minutes, before he turns it off). Before that he was on swingshift & went to bed at 2am, and got up at 11am.
He sleeps * really* hot and the bed is like a furnace. I also like the window open even in the winter, he doesnt.
I have a hard time getting & staying asleep.
When we had cats, all it took to wake me up was the cat sitting on the end of the bed sending me signals to let her out!
( of course as soon as I went back to bed, she would want back in again)
Thank you all for sharing, I know all these issues are difficult to revisit, especially for those still new to the situation.
Again it was reiterated by Parent 1 that it is definitely over, very sad. I believe living with no hope of reconciliation, nor making any attempts at reconciliation is not a good thing, and I hope they can both settle quickly and find the right time to talk to the children. You can imagine Parent 2 wants it over ASAP if Parent 1 is adamant about the divorce being inevitable.
I also hope it will not drag out a year or more, and I hear things that seem amicable (shocking considering how the divorce was brought up) and my fingers are crossed for all of them, especially the children. To get the process over with by the end of the year might be the best thing for such difficult circumstances 
My bff went through this. Her husband came home and announced both the divorce intent and that he had signed for an apt. That evening, she insisted on immediate and thorough mediation counseling or she wouldn’t agree to anything. Though she was initially caught completely by surprise, within a short while, she realized how there were hints. She figured out who the woman likely was, though he never admitted it until the divorce was essentially set and he had the kids meet the other woman (since their wedding would be a month later.)
The only “happy ending” is that she immediately went for her own dignity. She focused on her kids to the degree she needed, insisted on her divorce rights (including some wise extras) and that he maintain a relationship with the kids (he seemed to think he was divorcing them, too.) For them, since the counseling was mediation-centered, it had a point other than simply/futilely trying to either “save” the marriage or dig into what went wrong.
I understand how one can think the kids will be so terribly disappointed not to make the trip. But in OP’s case, as in my friend’s, the husband threw a mighty big wrench into the family situation. The die was cast. Instead, my friend went into triage mode, for her kids and for herself.
Support of friends is crucial. If you know someone going through this, be there for her, listen, don’t critique, just be a friend.
Disagree strongly with the recommendation that only the one parent who is initiating the divorce tell the kids. The parents need to tell them together, even if the “initiator” does most of the talking. The younger ones might think the other parent has already left, and that can be confusing. Questions posed by the kids should be answered by both parents together. They are divorcing each other, but they are still the kids parents, and that is a dual role.
And… who knows what parent 2 would tell the kids without parent 1 in the room. Do not do this.
Parent 1 has had the opportunity to trash Parent 2, and has, for years. I don’t think a vacation would make a difference. It is more unappreciative and disrespectful, not nasty.
Parental alienation syndrome should be avoided if at all possible. Do your best to avoid one parent trash-talking the other to the kids.
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Parent 1 has had the opportunity to trash Parent 2, and has, for years. I don’t think a vacation would make a difference. It is more unappreciative and disrespectful, not nasty.
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That may be so, but the kids don’t need to hear anything that might resemble something like, “I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but I could no longer stay in the marriage because your mom/dad is a complete #$@%^&.”
While I understand the “parent alienation” aspect, particularly with young children (and it sounds like one of the kids is young), I’ve never really understood this in regards to near-adult/adult children who are painfully familiar with the bad behaviors of one of the parents.
With simple “irreconcilable differences” issues, the kids really shouldn’t take sides, but if there has been spousal/child abuse in the home or serious addiction issues or lack of financial support, I think it’s only natural for older children to want little to do with the “bad” parent. I have known several kids who’ve never forgiven their “bad” parent for the behaviors that they were subjected to…emotional/verbal abuse, physical abuse, addictions, rages, etc.
But at 15 (or even 20,) kids haven’t had the experience of sorting through conflict of this sort. Whether or not it’s a respectful split or they’ve seen the sniping, they lack the perspective to know how to react and it’s not always fair to expect them to suddenly grow by a leap.
I personally think that, in any crisis period, a good parent is vigilant about how the kids are doing, never assuming everything is fine, just because they act as if it is. Likewise, not assuming the worst if a kid has a meltdown. It takes time and attention.
Imo, taking the family vacation now puts the kids in the middle, every moment, before they’ve even begun to acclimate. Maybe next year, if the parents have some good truce, they figure it out.
The parent who has the kids most of the time can benefit from this concept. If you’re that parent, you want your kids to be willing to spend time with the other parent so that you can have some kid-free time to do errands, goof off, or perhaps even go on a date. If you trash your ex to the point where your kid resists visiting that parent, you’re limiting your own freedom.
My parents were divorced. My mom insisted that my sister and I go to our dad’s house almost every weekend. She said it was important to him, and she was right. But it was also important to her to have some kid-free time.
Its very important to get a break, to be a better person and better parent. But when parents are seperated or divorced, especially when there is a 3d party involved, that person may feel they have first dibs on the time of the parent with the least child care responsibilities.
I agree that kids often can’t “sort out” adult issues, but some are so simple that anyone can sort them out. A raging parent? never good. A parent who is drunk half the day and all the issues that can come from that (raging, DUIs, etc) never good. A parent who slaps the other parent or who beats the kids? never good.
Some things don’t require mature adult status to realize that while no parent is perfect, one parent has been particularly bad.
I agree that a custodial parent needs a break, but if the other parent is essentially dangerous (may drink and drive, may hit the child, emotionally abusive, etc) then the “breaks” need to be arranged with relatives and friends, not a dangerous parent.