The kids already know something is wrong. They will be traumatized however it is handled.
Regardless of what happens, the kids will think that “if I had only been a better kid, my dad (or mom) would not have left”.
I’d reconsider very seriously about doing this to them. Bomb-dropper needs to seriously think over what he/she is doing here.
Your friend needs to see a lawyer ASAP. Take time off work. Get this done.
These are books for your friend to consider reading:
Perhaps reading them will prompt her to take action and make her feel more empowered as she moves forward.
from different posts (and thank you all for support and advice)
"Your support is giving her strength to wake up each morning and face each day. "
Thank you, I hope I can help her. I did offer to help stay overnight for business trips next year (got permission to do so from the spouse…)
" Bomb-dropper needs to seriously think over what he/she is doing here. "
Parent 1 can’t. I’m not sure why, and Parent 2 is even less sure why. Absolutely dedicated to divorce.
" Your friend needs to see a lawyer ASAP. Take time off work. Get this done. "
Parent 2 is taking off some time from work, but wouldn’t you know it, the bomb was dropped less than a week after starting a new job. It is not very easy at the new job either, so I am trying to help with that too. Boss is new to his job, so it is really frustrating watch him make mistakes and put his neck out.
But there is good news - they told the kids and the kids seem okay. At least Parent 1 now calls every day, sometimes would go the whole week without calling (if you recall, Parent 1 is always away during the week due to business).
Also, they did get a second room for the vacation, which is soon. It was helpful that there were a few divorce support sites that said taking vacations together might be appropriate for the short-term, especially with younger children involved.
<<<
" Bomb-dropper needs to seriously think over what he/she is doing here. "
Parent 1 can’t. I’m not sure why, and Parent 2 is even less sure why. Absolutely dedicated to divorce.
<<<
This smells of “another woman” in the picture.
In virtually every case I’ve ever seen where the man is “firmly dedicated” to divorce, there has been “another woman” (or man) in the picture. I imagine that there are cases when the H is dedicated to divorce when the wife is an addict or something else “really wrong” with the woman, but that doesn’t sound like the case here.
Or thoughts of another woman. Know of a case where man was infatuated with a gal in his office - she was married and not interested, but she had a twin sister that he then wanted to pursue. Ick. Have a friend whose H wanted out quick, and he was hiding $$ (there is another woman). So friend knew the marriage was over. He did a lot of things badly, and I believe he was ‘punished’ in the $$ and asset split. Different situation with the mediation, but friend has to protect herself.
Many and I mean many divorce attorneys will meet with potential clients during the evening or weekends. She really needs to protect herself. He has likely consulted an attorney and just hasn’t told her. I agree with others, he likely has a “soft landing” arranged. He is calling every day because some attorney told him too. She needs to be careful.
Very careful.
Proactively careful. Not just wait and see or hope for the best or pray or assume her own decent behavior will triumph.
<<<
Know of a case where man was infatuated with a gal in his office - she was married and not interested, but she had a twin sister that he then wanted to pursue. Ick.
[/QUOTE]
ohhh…ick is right. I have a sick image of this guy forming a relationship with the twin as either some sick “duplicate” or as a way to have closer access to the original.
gross.
People DO use mediation successfully.
Would mediation be binding, or would she have then option of taking the other route if it didn’t work out?
Mediation is a form of alternative dispute resolution that is used in other types of civil suits as well as divorce.
In a nutshell, mediation is intended to encourage parties to reach an agreement and facilitate settlement – presumably to reduce the expense of litigation.
Mediators are neutral third parties – that’s why your counsel (who is your advocate) cannot also act as the mediator. Think of the mediator as the “substitute judge” who will help the parties bridge their differences in a more economical way than litigation and its associated costs.
Parties typically agree in advance to be bound by the results of the mediation as the point of ADR is to reach agreement. If an agreement is reached by the divorcing spouses through mediation, that becomes part of the divorce judgment.
I have a friend who successfully used mediation to settle a contentious divorce after it had dragged on for two very expensive years. He told me that his ex-W inadvertently admitted to the mediator something that was not in her favor (while she was on the phone with a family member within earshot of the mediator) and that cinched the settlement. She mentioned her upper $ amount while she was talking on the phone and the mediator was bound by their mediation agreement to disclose that fact to my friend and his attorney. The amount was below my friend’s $ amount, so things settled quickly after that.
Wow @attorneymother - that is why information is so valuable! When one knows themselves and also know exactly where the other person is. However in that situation, probably had to go through the contentious part of things first because the other party may not have been ready for the end of the relationship or received gratification by dragging things out.
When one sees these kind of situations, it become easier to put up with spouse’s faults, and motivation to be a better spouse too!
There is something you can actually do @rhandco – you can help her identify at least three attorneys. You can ask people for recommendations. I recommend that one criteria be that the attorney be experienced in litigation. Sometimes these things get very ugly. She needs to protect herself and her family.
All this makes me think more and more that pre-nups are not just for the rich.
Spouse 1 has essentially given notice he has met with attorney and presumably could file at any time. Spouse 2 does not want to scramble to engage an attorney after she has been served. She needs to have retainer money ready and be prepared to sign a retention letter.
Parent 2 is calling today, to ask (maybe plead?) with one of the lawyers who was set on “litigation only” to set up a $5,000 retainer. In our area, that is probably 25 hours of time. She has spoken to several lawyers already, the one she is looking to retain is with a very large good reputation firm.
Getting back to CC-related issues, now a bone of contention is child support after age 18. Our state is one of the few that says if the child is not “emancipated,” which includes going to college and living at home being not emancipated per multiple case law, they are still covered by a child support agreement.
A pertinent case:
http://law.justia.com/cases/new-jersey/appellate-division-unpublished/2015/a2709-13.html
They have a 529 but Parent 1 doesn’t want to contribute to it any more, says it is “enough” (100K with oldest child a few years from graduating, three children with youngest 5 years old).
It would be hard for Spouse 1 to file on his own because he is away on business during the week. Also seems like he is seeing local (not in the state where their residence is, where he works) lawyers who are giving him poor advice for their state. The trouble is that the advice is impairing their ability to address certain issues.
But, my opinion, and my CC friends can let me know if this makes sense, it would be better to start with a mediator and get things on paper, even if they have to take a break and meet with their individual lawyers and then either go back to the mediator, or go to court. I think if Parent 2 delays getting a mediator that they both will go to, it will make things worse. Could be six months of texts and emails with nothing solved, when the mediator should (yes?) be able to determine what makes sense and what doesn’t.
Glad she is moving forward on the lawyer.
Is your state one where divorced parents can be required to pay for college?
In a few (very) states adultery can be useful to the betrayed spouse during the divorce. In most states, it absolutely doesn’t matter. If your state is one where it does, it may be useful to consider hiring a private eye. (I realize it will be painful, but this is about protecting herself and her children’s future. Sometimes the outside influence of another person, can make someone behave less reasonably than they should. The comment about 100K being enough to fund 4 children’s college education is head scratching.)
Mediation can work if they are on the same page about a key things. Many people recommend getting the custody picture straight first before doing anything else. Given that he isn’t around, does he plan to come “home” every weekend as he has been doing. What does his vision of custody look like? I wouldn’t tackle finances until this was figured out as I am guessing this is her priority.
Mediation costs money too. If they are to far apart, it may not be a worth while expenditure.
100K for all 3 kids’ college tuitions? Hmmm, I don’t think so.
<<<
All this makes me think more and more that pre-nups are not just for the rich.
<<<
Unless one or both spouses had assets or something prior to the marriage, I don’t know if a prenup would matter.
This “parent 1 and 2” gets confusing.
Either party can ask for college savings payments to continue.