What a schmuck. He sounds like an immature jerk who just wants to walk away from his family and parental responsibilities and start over so he can party hearty. I bet you anything there is a GF. (I say GF because the divorced gay fathers I’ve known have all been responsible with their children!)
If he is going to try to avoid funding his kids education right out of the starting blocks, I doubt that a nice peaceful mediation is in the cards…
The nice thing about a mediator, if both parties are willing to work with one, is that any final agreement is mutual and a lot of bad feelings can be avoided because the two parents work through things together and wind up feeling ownership of their agreement, not “forced into it”. Mediators cost less per hour than attorneys, too.
(my mom is a mediator)
<<
What a schmuck. He sounds like an immature jerk who just wants to walk away from his family and parental responsibilities and start over so he can party hearty. I bet you anything there is a GF.
[/QUOTE]
I agree! I got the same feeling.
I think he’s done the math, he earns less, and he wants to preserve as much as he can for his new life (which I suspect includes a new woman, perhaps one who wants children).
He has young kids (a 5 year old), so he already knows he’s on the hook for CS for 10+ years, he doesn’t want to further the “pain” by adding in 529 payments.
My guess is that since there is already an established history of contributing to a 529, it could be argued that the practice needs to continue.
Even if he is only home/available on weekends, an attorney can have a person delivering the divorce filing ‘serving him the papers’ when and where W knows where he is.
She has to decide and develop a strategy that will work for her and the children. Knowledge is power.
If money is getting mis-appropriated or directed where it is a change for how the family operates, may need to hire a forensic accountant.
If in a state where spousal misbehavior counts against them in court proceedings or in mediation, obtain that information with some days of monitoring by PI.
W needs to have a plan to be able to earn money for her new situation. Perhaps that may entail education and other expenses through an alimony period.
Find out all you can from people within your state to how to handle this situation - for minimum damage and maximum financial protection for W and the children.
Perhaps those that have walked this walk can chime in.
Yes, NJ is the poster child for forcing divorced parents to pay for their children’s college.
http://articles.philly.com/2014-12-10/news/56884559_1_tuition-gloucester-county-college-parents
http://temple-news.com/news/sued-tuition-parents-fight-back/
Father’s point of view:
https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/dad-speaks-out-after-21-year-old-sues-him-to-pay-104864515872.html
Adultery (and pretty much any bad behavior short of severe cases) does not matter in NJ from what I understand. PI costs would not be worth it, and mom thinks that dad should stay involved in his children’s lives, no matter what she thinks of him or he thinks of her.
100K now, 529’s tend to appreciate a bit. I think it is a GREAT idea that “the practice has been contributing 50-50 to the 529” but I would have to check with her if they have been doing that yearly or stopped a few years ago. Even so, though it seems like an option instead of paying for the children’s college later, I don’t know if NJ courts would care.
(I originally said Parent 1 and 2 because putting in genders can raise hackles. Also it is interesting, that women tend to ask for a divorce and the guy doesn’t get why (reverse here), and the guy in this case is the lower earner as well.)
Rhandco,
Adultery doesn’t matter in terms of fault, but in at least some states it matters in terms of alimony. Given that he is the lower income earner, do you think he will seek spousal support? She needs to understand if this is a possibility. Her attorneys can advise her, but until he is represented, no one really knows how he is going to behave. (Sometimes an aggressive attorney can change the dynamics quickly.)
Most divorces never end up in the courtroom, so the settlements and custody agreements are generally hashed out between the two parties w/ their attorneys. So, if the 529s are important to her, she should lay out the expectation that contributions will continue from both of them.
Also, there is a chance that NJ laws could be changed – so she needs to work with her attorney about protecting her kids from such a change (or if they are grandfathered in if the law changes)
The wife can also serve the husband when she sees him. She doesn’t need a lawyer or someone from the court to serve the paper.
It’s over a month now. Before RH worries about who serves whom, she needs pro CYA. Not DIY. Presumably they have a range of issues to cover, assets to separate, terms to come to. Looking at them one by one, learning as you go, is a risk. A pro should be versed in breadth and depth, the standard bullets- and then you can look at the possible extra concerns, making those decisions.
Have you done a web search re: divorces in NJ? And his having a place to live while working doesn’t make that other place his legal residence. A lot can be cleared up faster by speaking with an attorney. They know the ropes. If your concern truly is her CYA and putting her (and the kids) in the best position, then don’t delay. Too much at stake.
She has spoken to multiple attorneys - since he wants mediation (he says), I am pushing her to get to that point, to go to the mediator with him. His first choice of mediator (physically convenient for her and with a good reputation) does not have weekend hours, naturally.
I am not sure - if they do go to a mediator together and sign paperwork with a mediator, I am assuming that means that he couldn’t just up and file while they are in that process?
They both at least seem to think that the children will be better off if they do a no-fault with the help of a mediator, and each individually using a lawyer for consultation on the agreement.
Is it a good idea to use a mediator with such young kids?
It seems that there are so many things to consider when kids are so young…all their ECs, orthodonture, medical care, camps, …along with college costs.
I believe they are planning 50-50 on medical costs, but there already is a question about orthodonture, which two already have…
They have decided his health insurance will continue to cover the kids, so that is another wrinkle. How can she keep track of 50% of the costs if she pays the co-pay but he has the access to the online health insurance info? Does he pay her back half of each copay?
Tips to find a mediator (NJ):
http://www.njapm.org/content/tips-selecting-mediator
Why not set up a joint acct that is to be used for childcare. Each parent would deposit agreed amount in the acct every month to be used solely for kids. They could agree on any spend over $x they would need to consult the other parent.
If my spouse blindsided me like it sounds like this man did, I’d have immediately gotten a lawyer. The time for mediation would have been several years ago when he moved to a separate bedroom.
I think there’s too much at stake to trust this to a mediator. I suspect he’s already emotionally separated himself from her (and probably spoken to a lawyer too) so he’s going into this clear headed. She needs a lawyer to make sure she’s not at a disadvantage.
Even if she is the higher earner now, he is the one wanting out. I agree about CYA. She needs to get clear headed legal advice in her corner, laying out all the information with an experienced divorce attorney who will serve her well. Even if it is drawing up papers for her to follow in mediation (and if lawyer thinks this will be best for her and her children).
Is there a lot of money involved? What’s the point to spend a lot of energy pursuing a not so well off guy? This guy is a lower earning spouse.
I don’t think of her as dumb, far from it, but with a new job starting a week before this happened, being the only emergency contact for the children (like seriously, she had to cancel visits to see two different lawyers because her child had to go to the ER) five days per week, and the hesitancy of lawyers (near NYC) to take on “small cases”, she does not have a lawyer yet. I believe she has seen six lawyers so far.
I like the idea of a joint child care account, with the initial amount determined and carry over to the next year if it is too much, and pay in extra 50-50 if it is not enough.
He is the one wanting out, but they are agreeing to no-fault.
He is NOT clear-headed, he is unduly influenced likely by two close relatives, and is all over the place with stuff like “how about alimony for this instead of child support” or “instead of splitting this asset, you pay me alimony”. Really nutty. If he was clear-headed, he wouldn’t say “I want a divorce, but it’s up to you when”. That is complete nonsensical.
No PI in the future. Adultery does not affect alimony or what is considered “fair” in NJ.
The energy will be spent being fair to the children in terms of being able to keep them in their family home. That’s probably the most important point in all of this; the house is rather expensive, too expensive for her salary alone unless he makes concessions. It looks like he might, but he wants to make her keep the house or lose child support. Which is nutty, they have to live somewhere.
My BIL had shared custody (he was the higher income earner but his ex wanted out due to an affair, so he did pay her some for support of the children), but had an annoying account for clothes that she would drain and just was a thorn in my BIL’s side. He finally after a few years was able to get this ‘clothing account’ eliminated.
You don’t want a lingering joint child care account because I believe she is going to have problems with him putting money in and she is going to have to deal with him a lot more than she probably would ever want.
If I was in her shoes, I would be very sharp on protecting myself and my children. She can keep her feelings about him to herself, and still foster a positive child-dad relationship.
He hit her up at a very vulnerable time. She has to spend time with establishing her career with the new job.
She is not in a hurry for the divorce. If he is in a hurry, then she needs to see someone that will put together a good plan for her and the children that he can sign off on. He is reducing his family time/responsibility in my view with wanting the divorce - so what she is taking on needs to be well thought out by her.
He is looking for a way out so he can afford another woman. Otherwise he would not be looking for a divorce IMHO.
He is not taking over for any shared custody, thus he has to pay child support. If he is carrying the medical/dental insurance, that needs to be worked out.The contribution to college account needs to have a planned restart with contributions from both parents.
Certainly she can find a competent attorney. If she is in a church, ask her pastor in a counseling appointment.
Here’s a quick child support calculator for NJ:
http://quickguide.njchildsupport.org/
The full rules with the actual worksheets are here:
http://www.judiciary.state.nj.us/csguide/index.htm