The Turkey Drop after New Year's - yikes!

Parent Cafe
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<p>My D who is a sophomore in college has been best friends and boy friend with a guy since sophomore year in high school. Yes, a long time. Her one and only boyfriend. </p>

<p>We have, especially since college started encouraged her to not be so exclusive. They go to different colleges a couple of hours away, neither of them has a car to travel, so mostly they have seen each other on breaks and talked LOTS of minutes on the phone. </p>

<p>Since the start of this year especially, daugther started feeling that their relationship, while very caring, was more friends than BF-GF relationship, yet had all the limitations that a been a "couple"has. She feels her guy has been unavailable emotionally during the school year and that basically, she goes to college, then comes home on break and falls back into a high school relationship. </p>

<p>They have talked about these issues together for the past couple of months and kind of with her lead, they over the past two days have “broke up”. I think he was still somewhat shocked and upset - she was very upset over his intial reaction (extreme sadness) and his after-reaction (somewhat cold). She is a pleaser and I think is feeling guilty and the “bad guy” though she says though her heart is aching, she also knows in her heart that it was time for a change for both their sakes. </p>

<p>Together since age 15 and now 20 -wow, that’s a long time. She would like to stay friends, but right now, for him, he seems to indicate that he needs space and distance and so that doesn’t feel like an option.</p>

<p>Funny, while I have been sort of hoping she would move on from this relationship, I too, feel guilty and sad for them. Him especially because I think he was very dependent on my daughter - really one of his only friends (which she recognizes wasn’t healthy). </p>

<p>To top it off, the ultimate slap in the face these days, I guess. After getting off the phone after the official break up last night at midnight, she woke up this morning to go to Facebook and see that he had already changed his status to “single”. That was a sock in the stomach to her - she had hoped to be able to “announce” this to her friends in a more subtle way. Also was kind of odd, because although he had a Facebook, he apparently wasn’t too into it, only checking it once or twice a week. As she said, definitely a pitfall of the whole social networking.</p>

<p>Anyway, I took her back to school this afternoon. She was still teary, still heartaching, but happy to be surrounded by her support system of friends at school - a WONDERFUL group of girls and guys who I know will help her immensely.</p>

<p>My best words of advice to her were that while she may find herself “falling down” this week, to not wait too long to “pull up her big girl pants” and move on -whether it be for an hour or a day - until she starts to work through these changes. In other words, to give herself some time to mourn, but to not wallow in it and to put her passion and emotions into her daily life at school.</p>

<p>But as a mom of a child in heartache, I would love if you can share any words of advice, or maybe share your own experiences in your home to help me feel a little “support”!</p>

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<p>I think it’s probably to her benefit that he already changed his Facebook status to single–it’s true, isn’t it? It shows that despite his reaction, he was probably ready to move on as well. Also (although maybe I wouldn’t say this to her), if, as it appears, she essentially dumped him, it’s not really much of a slap in the face for him to change his status on Facebook. His face is stinging a lot more.</p>

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<p>I know breaking up is not easy whether you are the person calling it off or you are the person on the receiving end. </p>

<p>I had to consult with my own young adult D on this one because I thought it was me and I wasn’t getting it (x-posted with Hunt).</p>

<p>Your D cannot have it both ways; she broke up with the guy, he is doing what he feels he needs to do to make the situation real for him and move forward. If this means changing his status, then that is what he needs to do. I don’t see the rationale in your D being upset because he beat her to the punch in announcing the break-up. No one is stopping her from saying what she wants to her friends.</p>

<p>He’s hurting and she’s hurting. She admits the relationship was not working. Hopefully they will both move on.</p>

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<p>It wasn’t a “beat her to the punch” type thing. It was like running a headline in the paper before the “family” receives the news. But that’s Facebook, and she knows that. Bummer, but she’ll deal with it. </p>

<p>Essentially, she wanted and they talked about loosening the relationship, but when it came down to it, for him it seemed to be all or nothing, so she felt she had to try and take a step forward to really know what’s right.</p>

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<p>It was very brave of your daughter to take the first step. It is often easier to stay in a familiar relationship, even if it’s a bad one, then to move on. You should be proud of your daughter. It is not to say after a period of time they wouldn’t find each other again.</p>

<p>The young man was just hurting and he was trying to find a way to hurt her. Try to remind your daughter not to let it ruin her good memory of first BF.</p>

<p>My D1 likes to leave her status on FB blank for this precise reason. Her BF is not quite on board with it.</p>

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<p>I asked my son about this–he said that if the boy had wanted to hurt her, he could have written something a lot more pungent in his “status” indicator, rather than just changing his relationship status. I would say that this is a relatively mild reaction, all things considered.</p>

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<p>But isn’t everyone responsible for communicating news to their own respective families? Sounds like ex chose to one stop shop, change is status on FB and all of his friends would get the update.</p>

<p>Hunt, my D agrees with your son; unless Op’s D wasn’t serious about breaking up there were much worse ways the news could have gotten out. She feels that your D should not let this situation live rent free in her head.</p>

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<p>I am proud of her cause I know it was not easy by any means. Right for now maybe, but not easy.</p>

<p>And yes, I have even told her that she may find that this first BF come back into her life. But without any other experiences, it’s very hard to know what’s “right”.</p>

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<p>I sympathize with the ex BF here. Whether they were both ready to call it off or not, SHE is the one who initiated the break-up. She does not get to choose when it is most convenient for HER to announce it to the rest of the world. She is hurting; well, I suspect, so is he.</p>

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<p>She broke up with him and is hurt that he changed his status to single? I’m baffled.</p>

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<p>I think you are all going off on tangent here. OP’s daughter is hurting over the breakup with her boyfriend even though she did the breakup. As much as she thought it was the right thing to do, it’s still so final to see him change his status to single. OP was looking for support here, not to complain BF’s right to change his status.</p>

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<p>Off on a tangent or not, I think the OP’s D should be thankful that the BF is not making trouble by clinging. Yes she is hurting, and has every reason to hurt over the ending of a relationship; but hurting over the BF’s announcing to the world that he is single before the D had the opportunity to do so seems to me more than “baffling.” It reeks of controlling and entitled attitude. My decision, my timing. Would it seem less final if SHE had announced it?
The OP can best help her D by not encouraging her D to feel sorry for herself over her ex-BF’s announcement. My two cents.</p>

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<p>You wrote all that because of the angst you and your daughter feel over the fact that your daughters BF too quickly changed his Facebook status to single/available after she broke up with him?! </p>

<p>Wow.</p>

<p>I’ll bet my last dollar that you have your own Facebook ID. What is it?</p>

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I agree that she has no “right” to be upset about it. And from what I’ve seen, it is more common for the person who got dumped to change the status - otherwise they 'd feel dumped twice.</p>

<p>Many kids stop “advertising” their relationships on FB - the changes are too painful…</p>

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<p>I didn’t read it as the daughter is hurting as much over the BF’s announcement, but more over ending of a long relationship.</p>

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<p>toblin - are you that aggressive in person?</p>

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<p>Maybe it is a matter of perspective, perhaps Op’s D should look at the change of status becoming closure to the situation, giving both of them the opportunity to let go and freeing them to go forward with others or to just be with themselves. Now she gets to decide how she wants to move forward. </p>

<p>As I said in my previous post, Op’s D should not allow this to live in her head rent free. I understand she is hurt and she is probably greiving what used have with this person. I hope that both of them choose to think about and talk about what was good in the relationship, and that they respect and value what they had. While Op’s D may not see it now, she will look at this relationship as a teachable moment which has taught her what she wants and doesn’t want in a long term relationship and that is big.</p>

<p>keep in mind that sometimes you may have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get the prince. ex could just be a frog or he could be her tadpole prince in the making and just needs some more time to grow.</p>

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<p>No. I am not an aggressive in person, online or elsewhere. I just think empathetic sympathy bullying (or any other kind) need to be countered, online and elsewhere.</p>

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<p>Sorry, whose face got slapped? She tells him the relationship is over. He announces it on FB. How is it that it’s her face that got slapped? Why is it that she gets to choose when to “announce it to her friends in a more subtle way?” What about him? Maybe he announced it in order to convince himself that it was truly over by making it as public as possible. I know what it feels like to be the parent of a recipient of a Dear John message.</p>

<p>Yes, I get that she is sad over a relationship that is over; that is quite understandable. What I don’t get is that she has the right to feel that her face got slapped and that she ought to be able to choose when to announce the end of the relationship.</p>

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<p>Ok, first of Oldfort thank you for your support. </p>

<p>I’ve been around here quite awhile and honestly, apparently this is one of those situations where words are misconstrued in type. “Slap in the face” was probably not the best choice of words - the whole Facebook reference was to the fact that it was her first encounter with Facebook in a NOT positive manner. You know, kind of the pitfalls of what is usually a fun, positive thing. </p>

<p>And for the record, nope, no Facebook ID for me!</p>

<p>No need to get into alot of the details here, because that was not my original intent (original intent was to perhaps give me, the mom, who also is hurting for these 2 young people a bit of support - maybe advice to give). BUT just want to briefly say, the two of them have had this conversation numerous times the past few months, have discussed the possibility - and maturely - truly - my D painfully took the lead to make a change. I applaud that. I hurt for both of them. </p>

<p>Breaking up is hard to do. For everyone. Nuff said.</p>