<p>You don’tsay, whatever happens happens for a good reason. Does she need a lying cheat to clean after and cook for while he is fooling around? No. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>momof3, congratulations! You are a saint for handling this so well. I agree with the others who said that you are not obligated to become “best buds” with the inlaws. Ours are very sweet and nice, but they live a 10-hr flight away, and, unless they are here visiting the kids, we don’t see them. There is a language barrier, too - they do not speak English.</p>
<p>I wanted to add something to this thread about the “spectrum” speculation. Control is a way to manage anxiety, and people on the spectrum tend to be very anxious in large social events.</p>
<p>The bride may not be on the spectrum, but perhaps experiencing stress in social situations has led to a lot of control on the part of this family.</p>
<p>The hand holding ban would make me crazy. Not wanting a husband to be a mama’s boy is one thing, not allowing this is too much. Still, it brings me back to the idea that perhaps this might bother the brothers and so the bride just banned it for everyone so that they aren’t conspicuous. </p>
<p>I also join those who are not critical of the OP for posting or going with the flow. She didn’t create a momzilla memory at the wedding, even though a lot was asked of her. </p>
<p>To say that the inlaws will never need to meet again may need a reminder that “never” is a very long time. For sure the bride and family weren’t showing their best side at the wedding and planning for it. But every family has its good side too and I hope that the twain will meet with happier results in the future.</p>
The other day I had a conversation with a colleague about how often he usually calls his parents. He told me that he calls every night. I was surprised. But he was surprised that our young adult son usually calls us once a week. (Actually it is often the case that we call our kid after making sure it is a good time for him by texting first.) He said he would be “in trouble” if he calls so infrequently.</p>
<p>Out of curiosity, I asked two other colleagues with the similar background the same question and got almost the same answer. One of them did say that he could call every other night without his parents being “upset” or “concerned” about him, but his parents will unlikely accept that he calls less frequently than once every two days. He also said that while he is at home in the evening, he often keeps the Skype connected even when they happen to have nothing to say to each other, just in case later one side has something to say to the other side. Also, when all of them said this, they seem to be “very proud of” and almost enjoy doing this, as far as I can tell.</p>
<p>Of course, calling frequently does not necessarily imply that their parents are controlling. It may just mean they are just close to each other as a family.</p>
<p>But it still opens my eyes to learn some young adults (their ages are between 25 and 30) are like this and it makes me wonder whether or not I “do not do a good job” in raising my kid so that we contact each other less frequently. (But my kid came home almost EVERY break and he seems to be enjoy doing so in college years, so it is not the case that we are particularly “distant” from each other.)</p>
<p>Might your daughter be unhappy if her BF , fiancee or husband contacts his parents so frequently, or she would think this is a virtue of him because he is likely someone who has a strong family value?</p>
<p>Our kids are D24 and S26. We hear from them a few times a month and it has been this way since they went off to college. They and we are close and they fly to visit us up to 4+ times per year for up to 2 or more weeks at a time. We fly to visit them as our schedule permits as well. This has worked well for us. </p>
<p>My sister has 3 Ds. One is >30, one is nearly 30 and the youngest 26. She gets multiple calls and texts from each, daily! Boggles our mind but works for them. Different strokes. </p>
<p>Mcat, I think the frequency some of the younger generation calls their parents is directly related to helicopter parenting.</p>
<p>You probably raised your kids to be independent,and so they don’t “need” your input on a daily basis.</p>
<p>We do not talk on the phone daily, or even weekly, with our two daughters. However, one daughter snapchats me several times a day, and I consider that to be a good way to have a sense of what is going on in her life. She HATES to talk on the phone.</p>
<p>The other daughter will make a point to call us about once every 10 days or so.</p>
<p>I couldn’t keep any of my kids on Skype just in case I wanted to say something to them. That’s what texting is for. And I text with both kids multiple times a day.</p>
<p>I think that the kind of parental contact indicated by the open Skype connection may be cultural. Perhaps the person’s parents are immigrants and he was and is their lifeline to modern life in the U.S. Those of us who are lucky enough not to need our kids to lean on can wait a few weeks for a text, call, or email. For parents who need the assistance of their kids, the Skype connection must be a great blessing.</p>
<p>@oldmom4896, The three colleagues I asked the question are new immigrants and my educated guess is (but I am not sure because I do not interact with them outside of work) their parents are still overseas. Some of them likely have a very lonely life - I think some of them sometimes even do not feel like going back to their apartment and just hang out at the company until very late in the evening. This may partly explain why they call their parents (and also other family members, according to what they told me) very often.</p>
<p>In the area I am at now, there are many young and single new immigrants, very unlike the area I used to live.</p>
<p>Guess I’m odd. I talk to my kids often. I talk to one dd every other day and the other, who lives overseas, I talk to at least once a week and we often email/text in between. My youngest dd, the overseas one, and I can talk for hours. We just plain enjoy each others company. I use to do the same with my mom. It wasn’t controlling; it was enjoyable. Every family is different. And we are not immigrants.</p>
<p>I think by “mamas boy” I meant more the nature of the relationship than frequency of calling. I think it’s a good quality when I see a man who cares about his mother, calls and visits her. It would bother me if a mother was overly intrusive or controlling, or the husband seemed to be overly dependent on her.</p>
<p>I think one reason those of us who are parents see the bride’s request as unreasonable is that we know that our relationship to our children is so very different from that with a spouse, and that as much as we know how important it is to let go of our grown kids, we still treasure those moments when they recognize our role as parents. We also know that no matter how old we are, we can still hold our parent’s hand- even more so as our parents age and may need us. This young bride doesn’t quite yet grasp that even though the parent-child relationship changes at marriage, it’s life long. Give her time though, she will. I credit the OP for not getting upset at the wedding and letting the bride have her day. </p>
<p>Congrats to the couple and super congrats to the OP. I’ve paid attention to your posts the last several months and along with others feel you behaved graciously in an odd situation. I hope your S sees this. If there is going to be a PM add me. </p>
<p>The problem as I see it in mcat’s post is not that the son calls his parents daily, it’s that he is essentially coerced to call daily. If a child WANTS and ENJOYS talking to their parents every day, that’s great. But that doesn’t sound like that’s what going on.</p>
<p>To me, a “Mama’s boy” is one who is overly dependent on his mother, puts her desires/needs ahead of his wife and family, and fails to defend his SO when his mother criticizes or demonstrates a lack of appropriate boundaries. We all know the type.</p>
<p>The D of someone we know was married in NYC. MOB and FOB lived in the fly-over country. MOG, FOG, B, and G lived in or close to NYC.</p>
<p>MOB told us that she actually did not do anything except for writing a $50’000 check to her D. All wedding related events were arranged by G/B themselves and possibly with some help from G’s family. There was no single event held in B’s hometown. B attended a college in California (Stanford) and then attended Columbia Law School in NYC. (I heard they paid for her UG but not for her grad school which was funded by her “future income”, i.e., student loans.) A reason why MOB/FOB “delegated” all the “work” to her D and her fiancee and his family is that D, her fiancee and his family are much more socially “competent” than MOB/FOB as they are first generation immigrants. They really just wrote a check, did not have any inputs to her D’s wedding and just two of them flied to NY to attend her D’s wedding ceremony arranged not by themselves. No second ceremony in her hometown at all. Soon after their D’s marriage, FOB was retired (kind of being “forced” by his big, bad company because the retirement package would become worse if he did not take the bait and retire early - this practice was very common in those years and there was a well-published story and even a big lawsuit for his company - which was likely a top 10 company in US back then.) and moved to the west coast - further away from their D. Many new immigrants really do not any relatives in US or occasionally even do not have many friends who would attend their offspring’s wedding.</p>
DS once told my wife that the sister-in-law of his GF could not get along with MIL and her brother almost always sides with his wife rather than his mother whenever there is a conflict.</p>
<p>My wife’s first reaction after hearing this is: “The brother of DS’s GF is likely a good husband.”</p>
<p>My first reaction is: DS’s GF is likely very close to her mother.</p>
<p>I wonder whether this indicates my wife is a “better” person than I am.</p>
<p>I wonder how my wife would feel if she were in the shoes of that MIL. The time will tell. LOL.</p>
<p>Thank you for starting this thread OP, please add me to the PM! </p>
<p>I hope you know by now that most of us enjoy your thread and are here for you to vent. Those others who are criticizing her for posting her frustrations can just stop reading. No need to be judgmental. </p>
<p>You have my kudos for going along with the ridiculous “no touch” policy. It’s one thing to want an organized, mishap free wedding, and quite another to control people’s actions down to every minute detail. That coupled with completing your “jobs” and the last minute purchase of champagne elevates you to saint status in my book! </p>
<p>Oh my. I am so sorry but I do so admire you for keeping your cool and letting it be a happy occasion for the couple. May they be blessed with wedded bliss! She sure has good inlaws! :)>- </p>