<p>momof3 - you and your H acted with dignity and grace. The most important thing going forward is to have a great relationship wiht your S and DIL. I am from the west coast and this all sounds a bit crazy to me. </p>
<p>I agree that a wedding is supposed to be about two families coming together, but quite honestly with all the wedding hype today it is really more about the bride saying look at me!</p>
<p>The bride and groom should work things out the way they want and communicate what they want to the parents.</p>
<p>Moms are second to the brides. I know it is tough for parents but we have to move over and look at the big picture.</p>
<p>Nobody should be treated with disrepect.</p>
<p>My wife and I were talking and we arent going to be listed first on who to call in case of an emergency affecting my daughter anymore. </p>
<p>@Marian,</p>
<p>Copying your paragraph, but changing the daughter to the son, will this be more likely be acceptable? That is:</p>
<p>if my son decides to marry his GF, who comes from a large and very competent family, I should offer to pay whatever we are comfortable with (say, 1/2 of one-year COA at a private college) for the wedding and beg them to make all the arrangements. We will have zero opinion about how they arrange it.</p>
<p>We are an extremely small and incompetent (i.e., do not know much about the rules of the “norm”) family. Nobody else besides his parents will show up!</p>
<p>This is a hypothetical question:</p>
<p>If we tell our S and future DIL to take whatever money we are capable of offering them and elope, to spare us the stress at such an old age (I think my heart can not endure such a stress and my not-so-large nest eggs for retirement could not be raided too much), will they (esp. DIL) likely hate us for the rest of their lives?</p>
<p>Honestly, whatever we will do for DS’s marriage is due to the concern that DS needs to deal with his FIL/MIL for the rest of his life and hope that, by doing whatever little we can do for him and dIL, he will have a good beginning. And we of course care about our relationship with our DIL because she will be closer to him than we will to him for the most of his life. We only concern about these two. We do not need new friends or new relatives at our age.</p>
<p>Personally, and I know a lot of people will disagree, I don’t think the wedding is about the families - I think it’s about the bride and groom (both, not just the bride or just the groom). I think they should be the decision-makers - jointly, NOT the families, not the parents. I DO think it’s unreasonable to not let the groom hold his parents’ hand, if that’s what HE wants, but I am not at all a fan of - I-give-money-for-the-wedding-so-my-preferences-should-be-considered trend. I think money for a wedding should be a no-strings-attached gift to the couple, or not at all. Then again, I am realistic enough to know that money is never (well, maybe almost never) no-strings-attached, which is why, personally, I would not take money for a wedding from anyone (except for future husband, obviously, but not his parents or mine).</p>
<p>
Not “let?” Who would “let” or “not let” a grown man hold his parents’ hands? How would that even come up? To me, that shows that the person even considering that has some very disturbing issues. Weddings are about the families, too, because the parents have a role, sometimes the grandparents have a role, the bridal party has a role. When you ask someone to participate in something, it also becomes about them, too. The ultimate decisions are the bride and groom’s, but when you take someone’s time, money and person, then it is also about them. I think, generally, the bride and groom should make the decisions, but they should always be made with respect to the families and guests. Weddings that are the “bride’s day” or the “couple’s day” generally reflect a staggering selfishness and immaturity. If one can’t be considerate and respectful of one’s own and each other’s family, then the person is not mature enough to be married. But I can’t envision any circumstance where it would be acceptable to tell one person that they are not allowed to touch another person unless the touchee is a minor child. Otherwise, it’s between the two adults to work out. And weddings that don’t take into account the comfort and enjoyment of their guests generally suck.</p>
<p>^ But what if neither the groom nor the bride has ANY money by the time they get married?</p>
<p>Seriously, if this is indeed the case, can the couple borrow money against their future income from the bank (instead of the bank of mom and dad)? There is something called pay-day loans. So there must be something similar for this.</p>
<p>I want in on the PM!!!</p>
<p>This is scary - I’m west coast and these people sound like fruitloops to me. But I’m not familiar with Jewish tradition either so I was thrown by the walking the son down the aisle until someone up thread explained it. My D is getting married too and I can’t afford to pay for it, the groom’s family is paying, it is in their <em>country</em> and DH and I are just going to show up. Hopefully the bride and groom get to make all the decisions. </p>
<p>Your story still scares me though. We are west coast bride (who has been living on east coast the last 5 years) and British groom. Wedding in London. I have no idea what British people are like - at all… Now I’m terrified. They’ll probably think we’re fruitloops.</p>
<p>Wow, I’ve heard and read about a lot of weddings in my life – good and bad – but I don’t think I’ve ever read an account by a parent of one of the couple where not a single, positive thing was said about the event. Surely, there was something positive about the wedding? Did the bride look lovely? Was the weather nice? Food good? Friends happy? It sounds like you have plenty to grouse about, but why not look for the positives, too? Hope you mentioned some of the positives to the bride and her family!</p>
<p>Obviously, it’s never good to disrespect anyone, wedding day or not, but in my personal view parents get way too involved in weddings. No, giving someone money does not mean you automatically have a voice in what flowers to get or what food to serve (this is different than asking the couple to not serve certain foods because of allergies). In fact, I find it petty. If you don’t want to pay for the wedding with no-strings-attached, then don’t. </p>
<p>By the way, I am not a fan of the “bridal party” either and would not have one.</p>
<p>If I didn’t have any money when I got married, I would have a very tiny wedding, with maybe literally less than 10 guests. I still would not want to take money from family on either side - from everything I’ve seen and read, both on CC and in real life, that’s just asking for trouble.</p>
<p>I am so glad you posted an update of the wedding. I’ve really wanted to PM you about it but wanted to respect your privacy. But put me on that mass pm. I SO want to know the details. </p>
<p>Holy cow! Oh my! Glad to hear that your S is a nice laid back guy but honestly the bride sounds like a bit of a bully. Her groom should be able to hold his parents hands for crying out loud. </p>
<p>A question I have. Were you able to have your after party or did you have to be the non-paying clean up help? </p>
<p>I for one never thought the wedding was all about me or just me and my husband. Far from it. It was about our families coming together and respecting the wishes of my current family and my new family. If I only did things that I wanted or my H wanted it would be a LONG relationship with my IL’s. We’ve existed together for a long time together. (I’m answering the comments from acollegestudent). </p>
<p>I am scared of irate parents. The in-laws didn’t say MOG can’t touch her son at any time while he is alive. For some reason, they said no holding walking down the isle, for about 3 minutes. All the moms here get worked up and about to eat the in-laws alive. Can anyone say to anybody what to do for 3 minutes without getting stoned to death?</p>
<p>Photo op, it’ll be tons of fun in England. I’m sure you’ll have a great time!</p>
<p>Zoosermom, i am not going to speculate about the bride. </p>
<p>Why is it so important for you to walk down the aisle holding on to your son?</p>
<p>If your future daughter in law says the bridal party is going to walk down the aisle in a certain manner, why do you care? </p>
<p>
At least I find a case similar to ours. I frankly do not think it matters which side ( the groom’s family or the bride’s family ") will arrange the wedding. But, again, I admit I do not know the norm and do not care about the norm. (We are not a particularly “bad” family. We are just very ignorant about this.)</p>
<p>Just a wild thought here: Would it be nice to have a FAFSA-like organization so that it will help the families to calculate their “fare” EFC for their offspring’s marriage based on families’ income and assets, and how many children who may get married in the near future? Also, this is an even more wild thought: Only the immediate family members are eligible to attend the wedding which is totally arranged by the young couple themselves (Don’t we always try to teach our children to become independent?!) Any parents who meddle with this affairs other than paying their EFC will be labeled as helicopter parents! (I am fully aware that this idea may be too extreme and I am willing to compromise. Otherwise, no daughter from any “respectable” family will take our son.)</p>
<p>Momof3, continuing to support and feel sympathy for you and what you had to “agree” to with many aspects of this wedding.</p>
<p>Must say, I am going to hope that our children’s weddings will not be so planned and organized that we have to note who can touch who and when it can happen! Call me Non-Formal Nelly but I see my kids (and the one likely future DIL) to be much more casual about things like that. </p>
<p>And some others are not and formal for whatever reasons. That’s ok, too, no?</p>
<p>I hope my parents arent walking down the aisle at my daughter’s wedding.</p>
<p>We only have the venue for 5 hours. :)</p>
<p>
It’s not the not touching that’s the issue, it’s the fact that it would even occur to the bride to decree such a thing that is the issue. Hold hands, don’t hold hands. Hook arms, don’t hook arms. But it shouldn’t even cross the bride’s mind to dictate such a thing. That sets off every warning bell in my head. The level of control and disrespect there is what bothers me.
I wouldn’t care at all. Agreeing to be part of a bridal party means that you’re accepting certain conformity and that’s fine. But if she told me to wear high heels for pictures or something personal like that I’d have a problem. Some things, particularly pertaining to others’ bodies, are not her business.</p>
<p>Please include me in the mass PM !!!</p>
<p>May I ask a question? I am curious as to how the bride’s family walked her down the aisle. Did they link arms ? My son’s wedding (I can’t believe they just had their fifth anniversary–it seems like it was just yesterday!) (and we also are Jewish, as is my DIL’s family) was very informal–in fact, as we walked S1 down the aisle holding hands, he at one point let go our arms and put his arms around my H and I.</p>
<p>I’ve always loved the tradition of both pairs of parents standing under the chuppah with the bride and groom.</p>
<p>Weddings never were just “about the bride and groom.” That’s a recent development, brought about by the same people who say, “Budget? What’s a budget? Isn’t your dream dress (venue, DJ, food, whatever) worth it?”. Weddings are about family - the ones you have and the one you’re about to create. Weddings are all about sentiment.</p>
<p>Would you ever have any other kind of party in which you did not consider the importance of your guest?</p>
<p>If it’s just about the bride and groom, elope. </p>