<p>Zoosermom, </p>
<p>Let us know if you are forced to wear high heels. :)</p>
<p>I don’t get telling the groom’s parents that they can’t have certain photos?? What’s that about other than control. </p>
<p>“Weddings never were just “about the bride and groom.” That’s a recent development”</p>
<p>^^^Yes, it’s a recent development, and it makes sense, because reliance on extended families has decreased. People live more independent lives, often hundreds of miles away from relatives (and often for several years prior to the wedding, seeing each other only a few times a year), and, in my opinion, that’s not a bad thing and just as much of a legitimate choice as being a part of a large, close-knit family.</p>
<p>And if we are talking history, weddings were done to cement alliances between families. Definitely not something I would want to emulate or stay true to.</p>
<p>“Would you ever have any other kind of party in which you did not consider the importance of your guest?”</p>
<p>I would handle a wedding exactly as I would any other gathering. And just like I wouldn’t be asking for decorations input for a New Year’s eve party, I wouldn’t expect anyone but the groom and myself to decide on the flowers and the set-up, etc. Again, there is a difference between accommodating people (allergies, etc.) vs. unwanted input that has to do just with taste/preference.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Could it be that the bride’s parents are not linking arms or holding hand when they walk down and the bride wanted a uniformity in the procession. Wedding IS a formal event generally speaking. They dictate what color bridesmaids wear what shoes, etc. I am not sure how out of line telling the groom how to walk down the isle is. In my book being laid back means being agreeable to anything/everything if it lasts only 3 minutes and happens infrequently. Laid-back people don’t find so many faults.</p>
<p>dstark, there was a reason for that comment. I’m 4’11 and my husband and son are in the six foot range and my girls are much taller than I am. It has been a “thing” in the past at events where there would be photography that I should wear heels so I don’t mess with the symmetry of the photos. The last time being my niece’s bridezilla event. I have reached the point in my life where I don’t wear high heels, so if I have a future DIL like my niece, it will be a problem. Using it as an example of something at a wedding that’s not the bride’s business.</p>
<p>zooser, could be a good sport and just for a few minutes wear a high heel if demanded on someone’s big day? Is it really about a high heel or your dislike of the bride?</p>
<p>Please add me to the mass PM!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I have to agree, nottelling. It’s a shame when one set of parents feel this way after a wedding, even if there were things that could have been handled in a better way. It’s not the first time I’ve felt that some people share way too much personal information here on CC. It’s one thing if you don’t care if anyone you know in real life happens to read what you post here, but, in this case, the possibility of a son or daughter-in-law, or in-laws, or friends, or other guests reading this? The possible ramifications aren’t worth the rant online, in my opinion.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, </p>
<p>You write taller than 4’11". :)</p>
<p>
No, I wouldn’t wear high heels. I would stand on a box to be a good sport, but I don’t think asking someone something like that should even be considered. No matter who asked me, I wouldn’t do it. Some things are just not anyone else’s business and a person even thinking to ask such a thing has already completely stepped out of the bounds of courtesy. Now if the bride asked everyone to wear silly sunglasses or hats or something, sure, why not? But that’s different than saying that the actual person you are harms my vision of my wedding.</p>
<p>I do not think my wife will be comfortable holding our grown-up S’s hand. We just do not do that. We only did that when our kid was a preschooler. The last time I think I hold my child’s hand was when he was, say, 4 yo, while we were taking a walk on a street (we lived in an apartment not in a residential area back then) and I had a lingering concern some car or bike might run over him. I pushed behind his bicycle when he was learning to ride a bike a lot though. He never fell even once while he was learning (and I was sweating.)</p>
<p>Ok, thanks everyone, I’m done. On the rare occasions when I start threads, I usually live to regret it. Chalk this up as another one. It was more amusing to write about the more unusual aspects of the wedding. I should have included all the lovely details. Sorry about that.</p>
<p>I wrote a lovely note to the bride’s parents post-wedding, thanking them for a lovely time. The wedding ceremony itself was lovely. The Rabbi did a great job. Our guests seemed to really enjoy themselves for most of the wedding reception. The end. :)</p>
<p>mcat2, what would your wife think if she got a set of instructions from the bride/family telling her she had to hold hands with your son walking down the aisle?</p>
<p>@acollegestudent. That only works if you pay all the bills. </p>
<p>I’m pretty horrified by all of this!</p>
<p>We are starting the planning process for next October. I know it’s a year in
Advance but the kids want to do it where they live. And we live OOS. </p>
<p>We are willing to accommodate any reasonable requests by the grooms side, even though we plan to pay for the wedding, etc. </p>
<p>D is fond of future MIL and happy they are close. A lot of the ceremony is in her hands. She lives there and is religiously observant. So her church, her priest, etc… </p>
<p>I’m sure it will go well. She’s actually been very helpful and gracious. They will pay for rehearsal dinner and a honeymoon. Lucky kids!</p>
<p>Sorry your Sons in laws are a mess. I hope he gets along with them, though!</p>
<p>momof3sons, please don’t regret the thread. Look at how interested we all are. I think everyone is attracted to posts about other people’s families behaving badly - probably because it makes us feel in good company with respect to our own exended families.</p>
<p>I would speculate that there is something about the parents holding hands with the groom that has long been a pet peeve of the bride. I can’t speculate what it might be because I’m not used to that tradition. However, I can think of my own example. I hate when couples light a “unity candle.” There is nothing wrong with the idea. However, without fail, the candle lighting is accompanied by a 2 1/2 minute song, and it takes 30 seconds for the candle lighting, and then everyone is just standing there for 2 minutes that feels like an eternity. My guess is that the bride has an irrational issue with some aspect of it, just like my irrational aversion to the unity candle ceremony.</p>
<p>@zoosermom, I think she will do anything that is asked for her in this “formality”, as long as she thinks it will help the relationship between her S and his FIL/MIL/wife. She is willing to sacrifice her own “feeling” and just does the “job” which is required of her. She is a mother who will do anything for her child as long as she believes it will be beneficial for her child (maybe the only exception is to empty our retirement account - she said that after we have been working hard for life, we at least should have some “dignity” of living our lives without begging our child for our living expenses in our old age.) This is what I referred to as “we are willing to compromise” for the sake of our child - but we need to educate ourselves about what are required of us first though. It takes time for us to pick up this.</p>
<p>
I don’t think that making unreasonable demands indicates willingness to compromise. Maybe a polite, personal request to the parents would be nice, but otherwise they are human beings, not extras in her personal wedding show.</p>
<p>momof3sons, I agree with missypie and I don’t think anyone would be able to identify you even in the unlikely event that people you know read this site. It’s not nearly as well-known as we all think! And you did make it clear that it was a lovely wedding and how happy you are. In any big event there are aspects that are fraught, and sometimes people behave badly and we need to hash it out a little bit. Which is hard to do with our own families.</p>
<p>Darn it all! Momof3sons, I am so glad you posted this update, I’ve been curious as I said earlier. </p>
<p>I read OP’s first post or two again. Maybe I am very ignorant of the wedding (may be even regarded as “insensitive” by many here), but I think that DIL may be just overwhelmed by the task and could not manage things as smoothly as they should be, so in the process she might accidentally hurt the feelings of somebodies not on purpose? After all, it seems she was working very hard on the wedding - at least she should have received some credits due to her significant efforts there. Maybe some of her missteps were due to her inexperience?! Considering the scope of this event, it is quite challenging to make everything right for everybody. I would give her a benefit of doubt: she likely just does not have the skills to handle such a complicated task which involves so many people here.</p>
<p>Granted OP was indeed asked to do a lot at the last minutes and it is very inconsiderate to ask people to do many things as mentioned by OP. But like I said, it may be just because she had tried her best but still made it difficult for many in the end, without any malice on her part.</p>
<p>Also, it may be the case that OP and her H may have been asked to do more than the norm. Just a wild guess here: Is it because OP’s family is likely (as perceived by the groom and the bride) a more “competent” family so they think they could ask this side of family to help them more than usual? If I were the groom, I would think I (forget about the bride and bride’s family for this argument) am luck to come from such a competent family and I would be thankful for this. (Hopefully, the bride/DIL will also.)</p>
<p>
I like the way you think! You seem very kind and generous of spirit. that’s always the better way to approach things.</p>