<p>S#1 and his gf of several years have just announced their engagement. We’re very happy and very excited! We love her and like her family a lot.</p>
<p>The initial plan is to make a weekend of it at a destination somewhere in the northeast. The idea is to make a relaxing weekend of it and it is also easier to accomodate those of our families who are Jewishly observant.</p>
<p>What is the norm these days as to who pays for what with respect to the wedding expenses? My son is the first of his friends to get married so I haven’t been exposed to much scuttlebutt on this topic…</p>
<p>My husband’s family paid for our rehearsal dinner, and for their wedding day attire and accomodations… That’s pretty traditional. My parents paid for the rest of the wedding (my dad set a budget and put money in the same checking account I used to write my college tuition checks from, and we handled scheduling and payments on our own), aside from the bits and pieces that my husband and I paid for ourselves. We felt it rather gauche to use the wedding budget to pay for attendants’ gifts and gifts for our parents, so we paid that out-of-pocket, too. Attendants paid for their own attire and accomodations. I’ve heard it said that the groom’s family is responsible for the honeymoon, but we’d never heard that before and paid for our trip to Costa Rica by ourselves.</p>
<p>Ms. Post says that the bride’s family pays for the vast majority of the wedding, but today, things are a lot more fluid. I’ve had friends whose husbands’ parents paid for the wedding, and I’ve had friends who paid for their wedding by themselves, because the parents were paying for medical school or because they’d saved up enough to pay for it on their own. I’ve had friends who decided to get married in Jamaica and had a small gathering of just a few friends, and I’ve had friends who just had a simple ceremony at a nice Italian restaurant with only a few close friends.</p>
<p>There are plenty of books around, though. Your local bookstore will have a lot of great resources. Also check out [The</a> Knot](<a href=“http://www.theknot.com%5DThe”>http://www.theknot.com), there are MANY wonderful articles as to who is responsible for what. It’s a great site.</p>
<p>Congratulations to your son and his fiancee!</p>
<p>I’ve never seen Jewish turned into an adverb before. It gave me a chuckle!</p>
<p>I don’t think there is a norm any more. Many couples pay their own way. Do whatever you all can afford without killing yourselves. With house prices dropping, maybe the best idea is to have a simple wedding & have both sets of parents donate a sum for a downpayment.</p>
<p>My son just got married. Bride’s parents paid for the largest portion of the wedding by giving the couple a budget and having them make all the decisions. Couple went over the budget by a little bit and paid for that themselves. They also paid for the gifts, rings, and honeymoon. We paid for the alcohol at the reception, rehearsal dinner and flowers for the bridal party. </p>
<p>But both families had the means to do so. I think every wedding should be looked at differently. Had my son wanted to marry someone whose family could not afford to give them a wedding, we would have scaled back the wedding and we would have contributed more. If the couple is older and more established, they may want to contribute more.</p>
<p>Great question. I do just want to say that friends of the family had a son who got married about 10 years ago. The groom’s parents assumed that the bride’s parents were paying for it. The groom’s parents did not participate in decisions such as invitations, flowers, the catering hall, the band, etc. The groom stayed clear of the decisions and is an easy going guy. Just before the big day the bride’s father pulled the groom’s father aside for the first time and asked for half of the cost (100% out of the blue)! Fortunately, both sides could have paid in full so it was not an issue. The groom’s father bit his tongue for the sake of the couple and paid! He did tell my family the story after the fact. Warning, be careful! BTW, the couple is still happily married!</p>
<p>I am a parent/survivor of several weddings. The first, a D, was very casual. She wore my dress and had one of her brothers as her only attendant. We had the reception at home. I made the cake and my parents made the favors. SIL’s parents hosted the rehearsal dinner.</p>
<p>The next three were sons. We paid for all the rehearsal dinners and hosted brunches the next day.
First one married an Asian girl. Her parents told us since we weren’t paying for the wedding (the custom in their country) they wouldn’t be giving us a dowry. The couple paid for the American religious wedding and the bride’s parents paid for their own religious ceremony a couple of months later.</p>
<p>The second wedding was paid for by the bride’s family. The third (to an Asian girl) was paid for by her mother. A different country but one that also expects the groom’s family to pay. The mom understood that since the wedding was to be here we intended to follow our custom regarding who paid for what.</p>
<p>Then came another girl’s wedding. We had given her an amount that would cover a nice one and they doubled the budget. They are older and successful.
I don’t think the groom’s parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, it was all in the budget which also included the honeymoon. A friend and I did all the flower and bouquet arranging.</p>
<p>The next one, a S at the end of this month, sounds like a very casual affair. Second wedding for the bride whose parents are too sick to attend. I even had a hard time getting them to give everyone a heads up about the date since our family all needed plane tickets. The wedding is down south. I don’t think there will be a big dinner the night before since there won’t be a rehearsal. Probably just our family will go out together. </p>
<p>The easiest was the one to which we weren’t invited when one S eloped!</p>
<p>Congratulations and best wishes! You’re in for a lot of fun. One of my Ds was married this summer and it was such an enjoyable year of planning leading up to the big day. Obviously, everyone has to make the determination for themselves as to who is going to pay for what. In our situation, my D and her fiance were early on in their low-paying careers and so could not afford to pay for a wedding. My H and I are in a financial position to do so, the in-laws had no interest in making any financial contribution to the wedding, so we paid for everything, with no regrets. </p>
<p>Traditionally, even these days, in the experience of friends and family who have been through weddings in recent years, the groom/groom’s family usually will pay for the rehearsal dinner, sometimes the groomsmen’s tuxes, the fee for the officiant, and the honeymoon. If the groom’s family guestlist is much longer than the bride’s, then they should be sharing in the cost of the reception, as well.</p>
<p>Discussions surrounding the financial issues should occur early on in the engagement, between the two families, so that there are no surprises, on either side.</p>
<p>Many couples today pay for their own weddings. For ours, groom’s parents paid for rehearsal dinner, bride’s parents for the (small, simple) reception, and we paid for everything else. I would not assume anything (see northeastmom’s post).</p>
<p>My D was just married in January. H and I had told both our D and our S that we will do the same for each of them regardless of what their future spouse’s parents were able to/wanted to do. We paid for the wedding dinner/reception, invitations, flowers, cake, accomodations for the attendants (the wedding was at a resort and the rooms were pricey), gift bags for out of town guests, wedding party luncheon before the ceremony, children’s room and babysitters. The groom’s parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and part of the bar. D and her fiancee paid for the photographer/pictures, their wedding attire, gifts for attendants and the honeymoon. Attendants paid for their own attire. The maid of honor paid for the limo (she has access to nearly unlimited funds!). If S’s future bride’s family pays for most of the wedding, we will give him the balance of what we gave our D for use in starting out (he will be a struggling actor and will most likely need it!). The most important thing is to make a list of all items with estimated costs and decide who is paying for what from the beginning. This includes deciding how many guests each side can invite as part of the budget. Once over that number, more should be contributed by the family doing the inviting. Good luck!</p>
<p>My 29 year old son has been engaged since December. He and GF plan to get married “probably” in the summer. I assume it will be a very small wedding with only immediate family present. I am clueless who will pay for it:
bride’s parents, us, the couple. We will probably all share in the cost. We adore the GF and her parents are thrilled with my son, so DH and I will go with the flow. We are Jewish and GF is half Asian and not religious. Her parents joked with us that the Asian tradition is that the groom’s parents pay all. The kids “might” allow us to throw a party before or after the wedding. I like to know dates and plans way in advance so this not knowing anything is killing me.</p>
<p>I think that there is no one way that it is done today. I think a lot of unnecessary aggravation can be avoided by talking with the happy couple as the their expectations as to the type of event and budget and planning together as to intended contributions. I know a number of people who had bad feelings because of the number of guests invited by the non paying in laws and this type of thing, which was not desirable.</p>
<p>Another thing to consider today is the high cost of weddings. If money is not an issue for the parents, then it is ok, but I am always amazed at the stories of people going into debt for a wedding. It is the marriage, after all, that is important. Actual money is so much more useful for a down payment on a house etc. These are such personal things. I have been to beautiful weddings where there were 30 guests, and where there were over 200. I would have great difficulty coming up with a large guest list, but I know for many people it is quite easy.</p>
<p>My relative’s son had an out of town wedding 2 years ago. I know that she made the rehearsal dinner, and paid for some, but not nearly half of the wedding. She had few guests, and I am not sure that the brides parents had so many either, since the wedding was where the children lived. Most of the guests were young people, friends of the bride and groom.</p>
<p>I know parents who offered their D and future SIL a choice between a wedding and reception or money toward a down payment for their home. The couple chose the downpayment. Nobody attended the wedding ceremony other than, I guess, the couple and their witnesses, parents.</p>
<p>For the observant you might want to do it at a hotel, to avoid the driving on shabbos issue, if they are that observant. Do you have to do Kosher?</p>
<p>Thanks for the input, everyone. Yes, it will be kosher and shomer shabbos. That’s why my son and his fiance are looking at places where we can all go for the whole weekend. Our family is not very observant, but hers is, and, interestingly, each of my sons has become more observant as he has aged. They are looking at some of the places available as kosher resorts/retreats for a relaxing weekend with all of the guests, followed by a somewhat informal wedding on Sunday. They would like the wedding to be as small as possible yet at the same time they want to have all the people who are important to them there to celebrate with them.</p>
<p>The plans are not finalized yet, either as to an absolute date or place, but they are working on it. </p>
<p>We will be speaking with her parents again soon and were just wondering what a customary division of costs might look like. Our son and his gf have only been out of school a year and have really just begun their careers, so we don’t expect them to be able to contribute at all. Neither we nor they are wealthy but kosher weddings, even those as simple as possible, are always expensive! And both families have multiple children in college.</p>
<p>I got married last September, and my family, my husband’s family, and my husband and I split costs. The distribution looked approximately like this –</p>
<p>Bride’s family: Reception (site, food, drinks, decorations), flowers, bride’s attire
Groom’s family: Groom’s attire, photography and videography, transportation for guests, reception music
Bride and groom: Honeymoon, ceremony site, invitations, rings</p>
<p>I think it ended up that my parents paid for about 50%, his parents paid for about 40%, and we paid for about 10%.</p>
<p>Our oldest D just got married 6 weeks ago. I think as parents of the groom, it is up to you to let the parents of the bride know what you are willing to do. You can Internet search and come up with “traditional” and “modern” ways weddings are paid for - lists where the bride’s family pays for nearly everything, plans where it is split in half, or some where it is 1/3 bride’s family, groom’s family,and the couple. The ways are infinite.</p>
<p>Our D’s fiance’s family didn’t offer to go above and beyond the “traditional”.<br>
Bride’s family paid - invitations, programs, etc. (+ stamps); church rental costs; bridal gown, veil, shoes, etc.; bridesmaids’ dresses; photographer (+ couple’s and our album); all flowers; all reception costs; cake; favors.
Groom’s family paid - rehersal dinner and musicians at reception
Couple paid - honeymoon, gifts for parents</p>
<p>One of my siblings has had two kids get married – one son and one daughter. In each case, they gave the couple the same sum of money – to be used to pay for wedding costs, or to be used otherwise as the couple saw fit. That put the onus on the couple to decide what their priorities were, wedding and otherwise, and what they did and did not want to “skimp” on. (In both cases, the other family also contributed money to the account for the couple to use for wedding and other expenses, so there was no visible delineation of what the bride’s family paid for and what the groom’s family paid for.) It seemed to work well.</p>
<p>I think a lot depends on the age of the couple. If the two of them have been working for a few years, it seems more appropriate for them to pay a higher percentage of the costs.</p>
<p>We have been to six weddings in the past five years for young couples. In all cases the families got together, told kids what they could contribute and the bride and groom took it from there. Most of the expenses were divided pretty evenly between the families.</p>
One of my Ds was married this summer and it was such an enjoyable year of planning leading up to the big day. Obviously, everyone has to make the determination for themselves as to who is going to pay for what. In our situation, my D and her fiance were early on in their low-paying careers and so could not afford to pay for a wedding. My H and I are in a financial position to do so, the in-laws had no interest in making any financial contribution to the wedding, so we paid for everything, with no regrets. </p>