<p>I will try to be brief and not digress too much. We are planning a “family” party for my D’s hs graduation. We invited first and second cousins and all who they would like to bring (the invitation specified that grandchildren, SO, etc. are all invited). It is customary in that group to invite the first, second, and third cousins(all the little kids too). Both my H and I have siblings that are not in our lives, and they are without children, so the invitees are first and second cousins to our generation and my D’s generation. Over the years we have gone to numerous birthdays, bar mitzvahs, weddings, grad parties, engagement parties, new baby parties etc. for these various people (not to mention funerals, shivas etc.). A couple of the people in the older generation have not responded, and quite a few more in the next generation have not responded. Those in the next generation are all 30+ to 40+ years old, all with children of their own. For that generation especially, I have been to numerous occasions for each one of them (wedding, engagement, shower, grad, and new baby - multiple times for many of them). I have only one D, and we have not had numerous parties for her. If it makes a difference, which I do not think it should, I not only went to their parties, but gave very nice gifts.</p>
<p>My feelings are hurt. My H says to say nothing, not even to call or email to see if they are coming. I guess I want to go along with this, but I really feel like saying that they really did hurt my feelings by not responding. Actually, I want to scream, but I know I won’t do that. How do they expect me to want to see them again at their parties? I have told H that I feel that I really can not see some of them again if they treat us this way.</p>
<p>I realize that RSVP means “if you please”, but really the respondez part is a command,and I thought common courtesy did require a response, even if negative. </p>
<p>This is frustrating, I know, but I’m sure it isn’t meant to be some kind of affront. So…</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I would call them to find out whether they are coming. You need to know how much food you need.</p></li>
<li><p>I would try very hard not to take this personally. People’s lives get busy and complicated, and sometimes they drop a ball. This graduation party is the biggest thing going on in your life right now, but it probably isn’t the top priority throughout the extended family. Indeed, do you even really know what’s the biggest thing in all these cousins’ lives right now? Maybe they also have celebrations–or worse, family emergencies–on the other sides of their families, involving people you don’t even know.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>It isn’t intended personally, I’m sure, and it won’t be personal unless you make it so.</p>
<p>I’d feel hurt but then I’d get over it, it’s never about you, and probably just call to confirm numbers. Have a fantastic party and enjoy. I think by calling it will clear the air and let you start setting up the tables.</p>
<p>I gave a party a few years ago invited 40 people, no one RSVP’d and one couple showed up. That was the last party I gave for several years. My sil now cleverly leaves something off the invitations - the last one was missing the time so people had to call and ask her what time the party was. It is rude, and unacceptable, but I have no idea what to do about it. I think some people think “RSVP” means they need to call only if they are coming. A lot of people now put “Regrets only”, so you know if you don’t call you are being bad. In the case of your invitations, you could call those who haven’t responded and ask sweetly if they got the invitation, you know how the mail is these days… They will probably be suitably embarrassed, but at least you’ll get an answer. If you go this route, call, email is too easy to miss or ignore and you want them to feel embarrassed, right?</p>
<p>^Mathmom, yes, I would want to embarrass them, but my H would not. In fact, he said nothing is to be “gained” by embarrassing them. Ignatius, I am working to not take it that way - it is hard for me.</p>
<p>I would not assume this is an intentional slight. I just had a friend call last month to check on an invitation I hadn’t responded to…because I never got it. I would have felt terrible about missing the party, and I was so grateful that she took the time to check.</p>
<p>This is why I don’t entertain more often. RSVP means “please respond”, whether you’re coming or not. People don’t RSVP because: they’re lazy; they don’t want to be tied down to coming; they’re not sure of their plans; they forget. Or they read RSVP as “regrets only” so they figure if they don’t respond, you’ll assume they’re coming. </p>
<p>I gave a girls night party once in my tiny home. I invited 40 women figuring I’d get 20-25. As the date approached, I had only heard from 12 women who were definitely coming. I was thinking I should invite more people just to have some critical mass!</p>
<p>Turns out, some people who RSVPd “yes” didn’t show; others who didn’t RSVP at all showed up, but the people who RSVPd “no” did not show.</p>
<p>I told this story to a friend who entertains a lot, and she said I should have just called people. That’s what she does. It’s a pain, but sit down one day and call (or email) everyone – “I hope you got the invitation – we’re all hoping you can make it.”</p>
<p>I will also say that we get lots of graduation invites at this time of year that are not really party invitations, but more like announcements. They may not realize that you are actually hoping that they come, and picking up the phone would be a great solution for that, too.</p>
<p>You could always call and leave a contrived message that you wanted to double check on attendance and to ask about any kid’s food allergies, or whatever you can think of that would feign concern over their enjoyment at the event. That should flush it out. </p>
<p>We have some friends who never respond to anything until the last minute. Its a behavioral syndrome to allow them to see if something else comes up as a conflict. It could be another invitation, kids sports events, a chance to play golf with someone more important. Anything. And for those who do have kids, sometimes the kids are more in charge of the family’s schedule that you might think. Especially if they are in the teenage years. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t take it too personally, other than to note that they simply may not give relatives the same stature that you give them.</p>
<p>PS: I’m intrigued by the idea of leaving things off the invitation, although it may carry the risk of annoying the people who most want to come and not making any difference to those who intend to ignore it.</p>
<p>I would also be hurt and annoyed - although I agree with others who have said not to take it personally. I would also keep this in mind in the future as I would no longer feel obligated to go to any events hosted by these relatives. That is - if I felt like going, great - but if the time were inconvenient or my budget were stretched - then I would feel perfectly comfortable declining the invite. In many ways, their lack of response gives you the freedom to do what you want in the future, not what you think you SHOULD do.</p>
<p>try evite - that seems to be how many people do things and they send update reminders. It always gets me to respon even if I’m on the fence for some legitimate reason. I can put on the fence and why in the comment box.</p>
<p>We just contracted with a wedding planner. One of the things she does the week before the wedding is call those who have not responded so that there is an accurate head count for the reception. She said she takes care of this so we don’t have to do it. It never occurred to me that this was one of those things that we would have to do but it makes sense. I don’t think it falls in the “embarrassing others” category anymore.</p>
<p>I have given some very successful parties and I have given some duds where no one showed up. Way too much fattening food available then.</p>
<p>Is your invitation snail mail or email?</p>
<p>If snail mail I would send out a very cheery email saying, “Hey, you may have missed your snail mail, but blah blah blah. We would so love to see you.”</p>
<p>And rewrite your email address at the bottom.</p>
<p>If that doesn’t work, I’d call.</p>
<p>If your invitations were already email, then yes, I would call and be as upbeat as possible.</p>
<p>After all, your goal is to get people to your party for your D, not to teach them manners.</p>
<p>Don’t be hurt. It has nothing to do with you, just like your good manners has nothing to do with them. It’s just the way you each are.</p>
<p>Good luck. I hope the party turns out great!</p>
<p>Sorry you’re having to deal with this. I wonder, because this involved mostly your families, that they didn’t take the RSVP thing so seriously. They may also have intended to respond, but forgot. I wouldn’t take it personally. </p>
<p>I’d call or send an email. You can say something like, “The weather forecast doesn’t look great for this weekend, but our party is being held heatwave-or-not. Are you coming?”</p>
<p>RSVP respondents tend to vary by social circle, neighborhood. I give a yearly party with neighbors, and we used to put RSVP on invites. As only two predictably conscientious couples every RSVPd, we stopped putting in on the invite. When I mentioned this to someone with more of a suburban life, she said everyone she knew always RSVPd to parties. Living among the inner city hip has more than one downside, apparently. </p>
<p>It is very easy to feel hurt-I’d feel hurt as well, but as someone said, it is not about you. So make those calls, try to not be passive aggressive about it, and get your totals. They may be embarrassed, but that is not your problem, as you have a party to organize! </p>
<p>Would also second the thought that there are many graduation parties, and I usually don’t think of those requiring RSVPs.</p>
<p>If you had an RSVP date, how far past it are you now and how close are you to the party? If no date, people will assume that they can let you know any time. If the deadline has just passed, give it some more time, but when you are getting close enough to the event that you need to know numbers, don’t hesitate to make the calls.</p>
<p>I have found that fewer and fewer people RSVP these days. It is rude, but I don’t take it personally as it seems to be a trend. I have hosted several events and each year this becomes a bigger issue. It’s really annoying when food is involved as you have no idea what to plan.</p>
<p>Eventually I have decided to let it go. It’s not my problem if the food does not work out if people don’t RSVP. With pot luck, it seems to work as people who do come bring food most of the time. One outdoor event asked for snack foods and someone brought an item that needed more utensils to eat. Well, I was not prepared for that and there were no utensils for it. I freaked when I saw it and went searching through my car looking for any plastic utensils I may have had left in it from another time, but I had none. Then I thought- well, this person never RSVP’s or told me what they were bringing, or brought their own utensils to use with the food despite the fact that I sent multiple e mails. I could only do so much.</p>
<p>I also found with my own wedding and then the kids’ bar mitzvah’s that a certain number of people will say yes, and not show up, and another will bring guests that I did not anticipate!! It seems to be even. Imagine looking out at the guests during your wedding ceremony and seeing someone that you don’t have a place setting for, and running afterwards to find a waiter to set an extra place… I agree that the people who are considerate enough to RSVP “no” won’t show…</p>
<p>So, I would call the guests and not take it personally. I would have gone nuts by now if I did…</p>
<p>as to the long rant, maybe it will inspire someone to RSVP next time … :)</p>
<p>Do not take it personally. Manners have lapsed over the years, as lives have become more hectic. H & I threw ourselves a joint “big” birthday party last year and I needed to follow up with lots of people, including neighbors & close friends. </p>
<p>I would send a quick email if you have their emails (use bcc: & you can kill several birds with that one) or facebook message. Most time consuming will be the phone call - maybe time it so you get their machine, rather than need to engage in a long call.</p>