I think our s’s must be twins separated at birth. Only my s managed to lose both his personalized embossed thank you notes (great gift from his bar mitzvah, IIRC) and the stamps. So I arrived at graduation with a box of storebought thank you notes and told him I had something else for him as well, and started to open my wallet (it was graduation and his birthday). His eyes lit up, until I pulled out one of those pack of 20 stamps. Too bad, so sad . And its been a month and to my knowledge none of the thank you’s have been sent. Grr…</p>
<p>My kids’ manners are far from perfect, but this is one area where I can say I did something right. Mine do write thank-you’s promptly. I know because I hear about from the gift-givers. I guess it’s sort of rare for this age. </p>
<pre><code>Last year I received a thank-you for a wedding gift in May- for the wedding in April the previous year. The other notable one was for a June wedding where I received a thank you sentence or two in the Christmas card. :rolleyes:
</code></pre>
<p>A close relative of mine used to tell me how it was pretentious to have write thank-you notes. It would be better to express their thanks when they receive the gift or just call. Well, last year she sent D1 and her other niece a very expensive graduation gift. D1 emailed her right away, then followed up with a hand written note. The other niece didn’t say anything for months. My relative was so upset about not receiving a thank-you card. So I think it is important to send a thank-you, people remember when they don’t get one.</p>
<p>It’s especially important to send something promptly when the gift is sent from a store or by mail. Otherwise the giver has no idea if it was received! I had to refrain from asking the moms that I knew in the situations I mentioned above because I didn’t want to tip them off that their kid hadn’t sent any sort of acknowledgment of the gift. It seemed sort of rude of me to inquire. By the time I did get the thank-yous, all I felt was relief. I was just so glad the gifts actually arrived.</p>
<p>Maybe that’s why many people bring gifts to weddings, even though etiquette says otherwise. They don’t want to wait a year to know if their gifts were received!</p>
<p>I’m with moonchild. One of the few child-rearing things I got right was thank you notes - old-fashioned, hand-written, stamped-and-mailed thank you notes. D informed me yesterday that she only has four thank-yous left to write for her gradation gifts. </p>
<p>Another plus for thank you notes: I know it impresses the h*** out of old geezers like me. D’s boyfriend sent us a wonderful thank-you note for his graduation gift - it was charming, well-written, and prompt. Very impressive!</p>
<p>The rule in our house is gifts you receive and the giver does not see you open it receives a hand-written note within a week of gift opening. Been in effect since kids were little; before they could write themselves, I took the dictation & they ‘signed’ their names. If the note is not written, the gift dissappears.</p>
<p>I’ve been to parties with paltry food as well and oddly this couple had a lot of money. Some of the most gracious hosts are the ones on a budget but who put theirnhearts into great food. Didn’t have to be pricey either.</p>
<p>My rehearsal dinner reception was at a pizza pasta restaurant. We couldn’t afford fancy, but it was pitchers of beer, family style pasta and salad, wine, and cupcakes. It was great.</p>
<p>Isn’t there an etiquette rule that the bride and bridegroom have up to a year to send a thank you? Or maybe you have up to a year to send a wedding gift? </p>
<p>I think some people remember it as: you have up to a year to RSVP.</p>
<p>Emily Post says up to 3 months. Not that she’s the last word. I think common sense tells us that people like to know their gift was received, and shouldn’t have to wait a year, or six months until Christmas.</p>
<p>You know what’s worserest than failing to RSVP? </p>
<p>RSVP “yes” for a family of 5 to a weekend that includes 2 catered, sit-down meals…and then show up for the weekend solo, without calling ahead to advise. That relative cost me hundreds of dollars back in the mid-1990’s. I would have been happy to spend it to feed her family – that’s why I iinvited them, after all. That;s how unhappy I felt to spend same money (pre-pay contract with caterer) to pick up the 4 unused dinnerplates. </p>
<p>Then there was…staying up til 1 a.m. to rearrange table-seatings for the next day, so nobody would sit at the half-empty table she had created. (No emergencies, either…just soccer meets, as if I cared). </p>
<p>Nevermore. If I cater now, I do it buffet with double-lines down front and back of tables so people don’t have to wait too long in line. It’s not as elegant, though. Nothing nicer, IMO, than sitting down with long-distance relatives while waiters serve. </p>
<p>I know my own family well enough that, when S-1 married and the dear MOB was working up arrangements with seated meals, I chased down my family mercilessly to pin down their attendance in advance for the MOB. I gave her an exact count. This felt nice to me. I especially enjoyed hunting down my own relatives like Red October.</p>
<p>^ At younger s’s bar mitzvah, we invited many of my DH’s coworkers, many of whom were internationals. Apparently they did not understand the RSVP clearly, and responded “yes” to both the luncheon after the service and the party that night (that had both heavy hors d’oeuvres and a sit down dinner). Except they didnt show up for the big evening party. We had something like 20 no-shows (maybe more–the exact number I have conveniently blocked out of my memory). It was dreadful.I was severely non-plussed.</p>
<p>Lol paying3tuitions, I have those relatives also. For D recent college graduation family members didn’t seem to understand that it is hard to make hotel reservations and change dinner reservations the week of graduation because that is when they can make up their minds to attend. And I am the bad guy because I said I said I didn’t know if there were any empty hotels left. I’m still getting grief about it.</p>
<p>Hunting them down like Red October! My laugh of the day.</p>
<p>I’m a guilty party for non-commital RSVP for a recent family event. First cousin’s daughter’s (cousin & I are 3 months apart in age and very close up to our early 30s) wedding was same day as state Junior Olympic swim meet. S1 was 1 second away from qualifying in 2 events and had been aiming to meet for a year. When we got the invite 2 months in advance, I sent her an email and told her that. RSVP date was 4 weeks before ceremony - she calls me the day after they are due saying she needs to get a firm head count to the caterer. (4 weeks??). Told her he still had 3 meets to qualify for it, so I couldn’t commit. I ended up telling her D1 would take my place if I ended up at the meet, but I wouldn’t know until 5 days before the wedding.</p>
<p>I really have to thank each and every one of you for your replies. I am taking a lot of your advice. I also feel alot better for the things that you have said. I did call some people who I was surprised that I had not heard from, and that went ok. Some people did not surprise me with their lack of response, so I did not follow up. I am planning the food flexibly in case I am surprised with some people just showing up. But once again, thank you guys for taking the time to help.</p>
<p>I tried to edit my post, but I could not add to it:</p>
<p>I always try to have lots of good food and drinks (alcohol for legal drinkers only I am afraid) at any party that I am hosting. I do think that having only drinks and chips may be a cultural thing, but it is not my culture for sure. </p>
<p>For those who had no shows for weddings and bar mitzvahs, I can sympathize. When I got married, I got a couple of last minute calls from people who should have know better, saying they could not make it. There I had paid for a number of guests more than I actually had. I learned that you can more easily add a few seats at the last minute for even a formal sit down affair, than subtract. The current party is not so formal or does it involve a per head payment, so at least that is not an issue. </p>
<p>The other thing that really bugged me was some of these cousins have had so many special occasions and parties in their honor (which we attended and gave gifts to the honoree) that I am angry that they could not even send a nice note to my daughter. This is reserved for those special few. I am going to have to cool down considerably before I see them again.</p>
<p>Anothermom - you sound like you throw good parties, let us know on CC next time and I would love to be there. :). I am actually a fun guest. We are going to be within 100 miles radius of NY soon.</p>
<p>I can understand your feelings. It’s not really in my nature to think in terms of “well, I did this, so they should do that.” DH does, though. He really remembers all of that stuff, whereas I forget about it if a fair amount of time has passed. Recently one of DH’s LONGTIME friends sent our D a check for $25 after receiving her HS graduation announcement. DH was a little miffed, considering that we had sent each of their kids $100 when their kids graduated (his friend is very well off). I honestly couldn’t remember if we had even acknowledged their kids’ graduations or not. DH also notices if we don’t get a thank you card for sending a gift, whereas once I mail a gift or check, it is out of my mind permanently.</p>
<p>It’s kind of funny, because you would think it would be the opposite. DH has always been sensitive-he used to be heartbroken, just tortured, if our kids weren’t invited to a birthday party or if they were otherwise hurt or excluded from something. My attitude always was “well, you can’t be invited to everything,” or “not everyone is going to like you.” No, he takes it to heart in a big way.</p>
<p>But shame on your family for not even RSVP’ing. You’d think they could come up with some kind of believable excuse and let you know.</p>
<p>Hope you have a great party in spite of them!</p>
<p>I know that many cc parents like to know how things work out in the end, so I thought I would give a little update. There were a few who never responded, and did not show up. One non responding couple did come (a happy surprise). A couple of people actually emailed the morning of the party that they could not come. So it turned out as many of you advised. We did have a very nice time with our guests, and that was great, and time well spend. The food was good too, so all ok on that account as well.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your responses, well wishes and general good thoughts. All were greatly appreciated by me.</p>
. And its been a month and to my knowledge none of the thank you’s have been sent. Grr…</p>