<p>My D just returned home from her freshman year and I sense the tension. She has gotten use to being on her own and I feel some resistance to any suggestions or comments about a lot of things.
We know that there will be a short adjustment period on both our parts. H and I had a good time together pursuing our hobbies and doing many things as a couple. What I am asking is what rules have you set for your 18 year old while they are home?
What has worked for you and your kid.?</p>
<p>I still don’t have my college freshman home but have been counseled that this first summer will likely be the most challenging. I haven’t thought about it too much but my guess is the rules will be similar to what he had last summer–when he goes out I need to know where he’s going. If he’s going to be out all night he has to text me so I’ll know in the morning. Really can’t think of any others right now.</p>
<p>This same topic is raised at about this time every year. It’s not easy living under the same roof once they’ve had a taste of “freedom.” Have you tried to do a search for previous threads on this subject?</p>
<p>My “rules” for my adult children (who are ages 18-26) are mostly common sense. I want to know if they are going to be home for dinner and if they are not coming home at night.
It’s pretty easy to call or text now - so they are very good at letting me know.</p>
<p>I can’t control what goes on outside my house but they know (or knew) I do not approve of underage drinking or drug use etc… I don’t allow underage drinking in my home - save for an occassional glass of wine.
I am lucky to have responsible kids who have jobs, are responsible workers and do their own laundry.
I would like it if they pitched in more often with chores though! Like cleaning the shower and running the dishwasher!</p>
<p>ingerp -
one suggestion - it’s all about how you word it. It’s not “that you need to know” - since he lived away for a year and you “didn’t need to know” then. But - it’s more like, please let me know where you will be and check in occassionally. Common adult courtesy when you live in the same house with someone.
My girls had a friend who would not go home for days - just spent time at friends etc. That would make me nuts!</p>
<p>I had a lot of trepidation about this transition, but it’s going really well. </p>
<p>I told my son that he had basically 9 months of sleepovers and nocturnal fun, but he couldn’t expect us to live like we were in a dorm. I am lucky in that he has continued to be a non-drinker, so my only concern is making sure that his friends from high school that are now drinking understand they shouldn’t come here. I have zero tolerance for it. I told my son to tell them that in high school if they’d been drinking I’d call their parents, for college kids I call the cops. </p>
<p>I made it very much about what works for us as a family rather than him needing guidelines and rules. I was very clear that I’m not putting limits on things as a parenting tool for him, I’m doing it so I don’t go completely crazy by summer’s end. I love his friends, but some of these guys do what was mentioned above^^^Last summer they’d be here for two or three days. I once had a kid shower here after they played street hockey, which doesn’t sound bad, but he lives across the street! Go home!!! </p>
<p>I said that I don’t want anyone in, or anyone out after 1am. He had a friend stop by during Christmas break at 12:30am. No more of that. </p>
<p>The nice part of him being home–he looked across the table last night and said,
“If you really wanted me to appreciate your cooking, you should’ve sent me to college sooner. It’s so great to have access to all this good food.”</p>
<p>Lovely to hear. :)</p>
<p>Our rules in the home never changed. We were never parents who said “you can’t do that until you’re 18…” We knew the day would come when he would reach 18. We always said “not until you’re a self supporting adult…” We made it clear we make our own rules in our own household because we support our own household- not because we are over 18. If our boy is living in our home and we are supporting him, he is still a boy whether he is 8 or 28. </p>
<p>But what’s up with permitting underage drinking if it’s wine? Gee, does that mean (underage) knocking down a shot of bourbon isn’t ok? Or knocking down a quick beer straight from the can isn’t ok? But underage glass of wine is ok? Are there points for style when it comes to underage drinking? Perhaps the next time a teen comes over to booze it up, I should tell males it’s ok if they wear a necktie, ok for girls if they wear a dress?</p>
<p>Some things we did last summer when DD came home after freshman year that frankly was crafted through trial and error…
*Call by 11pmish to report whether she expected to be home by 1AM…and if later than 1am, ie-running late or decide to spend the night at a friends, then text that info w/name & phone number.
*NEVER allowed to drink and drive. If she did drink-then she was to call for a ride home-no questions asked. If I found out that she was drinking and driving-then she would loose her car privileges for the rest of the summer.
*No drinking in our home, unless w/family dinner-we serve wine-(I come from a wine family-so it is part of our life).
Note-DD worked late-and often went out for dinner at 10/11pm-so it was not unusual for her to come home around 1am.
~APOL-a mom</p>
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<p>Same ones that I expect H to follow: please call if you are going to be late and don’t bring your girlfriends home for sleepovers.</p>
<p>younghoss - to clarify, I do allow my older teenagers to have a glass of wine with dinner. that’s it.
no bourbon etc. If we open a bottle of wine at dinner they are allowed to partake if they so choose. One does, one does not. the others are over age.
I would never allow any of their underage friends to have wine in my house.
I now regret mentioning it since the thread will now devolve into who/what consitutes underage drinking.</p>
<p>I would also add - if you don’t yet have a 28 year old, wait until you get one. To expect to know where they are and what they are doing every second is ridiculous.</p>
<p>Here’s how we explained some rules:</p>
<ol>
<li> You have to report in if you’re going to be out late. When asked why they needed to do that, I said that my wife and I do the same for each other. It’s what adults living together do so people don’t worry about their loved ones. This explanation, which didn’t involve treating them as children, was completely and happily accepted.</li>
<li> No underage drinking. I said that if one of their friends got drunk and was in an accident, we could be in big legal trouble. They respected this (both parents are lawyers, which helps).<br></li>
</ol>
<p>As this shows, we didn’t impose rules because we are adults and they are children, but rather some rules because they make sense for people living together.</p>
<p>Our rules have never changed. Basically be polite. I cannot think of any other rules.</p>
<p>But what’s up with permitting underage drinking if it’s wine? Gee, does that mean (underage) knocking down a shot of bourbon isn’t ok? Or knocking down a quick beer straight from the can isn’t ok? But underage glass of wine is ok? Are there points for style when it comes to underage drinking? Perhaps the next time a teen comes over to booze it up, I should tell males it’s ok if they wear a necktie, ok for girls if they wear a dress?</p>
<p>This came up with older daughter- that is since H is in " recovery"( * now* and my parents barely ever drank when I was growing up- so I wasn’t that familiar with alcohol , I did not feel comfortable having kids drink it), although I do drink a beer or glass of wine on occasion and use it in cooking- and I do enjoy 
a nice margerita if the occasion presents itself )- However- D mentioned in college that she had a more difficult time with alcohol & she thought it would have been easier if we had wine and such as part of our family culture- as some of her friends had. ( however as she waited till several months after her 21st birthday to purchase alcohol, and then that bottle of " mikes lemonade" sat in the fridge for weeks, I don’t think it was as big of a problem as it could have been- especially considering family history)</p>
<p>In * A good year* Russell Crowes character had watered down wine when he dined with his uncle, a vitner. But I also realize that despite early exposure to alcohol, people in the UK-France & Italy do have troubles with moderation in their drinking- at least how this American sees it.
I had pizza at a local shop which is * certified* Neapolitian, and they serve wine in juice glasses- as many local " authentic" restaurants do.
But I was noticing that even though it wasn’t a big glass, * it was a lotta wine* and if it had been in a wine glass, it would have been ** huge**.
Personally, I think it tastes much better in a wine glass, but I wonder if more is consumed if it is in the same kind of glasses as your morning OJ.</p>
<p>At the risk of opening this can of worms- I think it is much different- to have watered down wine as part of your family culture- than to be a parent who has kids party at home so you know where they are.</p>
<p>As far as 18 year olds go- they know everything- so there isn’t much you can tell them- but I do think it is OK to expect common courtesy for whereabouts while they are still under your roof.</p>
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<p>Jeez Ellemenope, how unreasonable for your poor H! :)</p>
<p>Our DS is 19 and home from college. So far so good. </p>
<p>We have a zero tolerance rule for alcohol. Same with smoking anything, but that has never been an issue due to watching Grandparents slowly due from lung cancer. </p>
<p>We ask him to let us know if he goes out letting us know where he is going, who he will be with, what time he will be home, and if he will be missing a meal. </p>
<p>Through HS we always had a “no friends in the house when am adult is not home” rule. This is the area we have relaxed since he went to college. DS is in a committed, monogamous relationship with a wonderful young lady. Wife and I went away for 10 days and needed DS to check the house (he can drive from school). Rather than have him sneak the GF over for the weekend we decided to confront the obvious issue. We told him he could bring her as long as they were discrete. We are not naive about what happens at school and are not going to pretend. Random girl no way, this particular girl while they are in a relationship we’ll look the other way. My DS is open enough with me for me to know they are being very responsible. </p>
<p>Girlfriend lives 800 miles away and will be coming to visit. My wife and I have to discuss this. We are probably more comfortable having her sleep on a futon in the guest room if we are in the house 20 feet down the hall. Then again the guest room is next door to DS’s room so we may be fooling ourselves.</p>
<p>Basically—don’t do anything that worries your mom or scares the horses.</p>
<p>^ what I would do in that situation- since you have a guest room is just make it known that your guest room is available if she would prefer to have her own space while visiting.</p>
<p>If you weren’t comfortable with that- I think it is fine to make the separate room issue more clear- while stating that you recognize that they may have different guidelines elsewhere- your home has different rules- but while recognizing that they are " adults" and that it is their home too.</p>
<p>We’ve been lucky and based on the regular phone conversations my wife and daughter have we expect it to continue that way once she gets back from college. She’s a polite kid who always lets us know where she is going, with whom she is going and when she is coming home. She’ll have a glass of wine with us at dinner now and then, but doesn’t really drink and she knows we won’t let any of her underage friends drink here. She detests smoking and finds drugs pointless. When her boyfriend visits he’ll be sleeping in the guest room. What they do when they are out of our sight is their business, but we know that she knows enough to be safe. So no “Rules and Regulations” posted here; she knows what is expected and actually agrees with us.</p>
<p>The only rule is, be considerate of your parents, which basically translates to, don’t worry Mom. Let me know what your plans are, and when you expect to be home. (Freshman D just got home yesterday!) Luckily, she has never been one for drinking or carousing, maybe because we have never had hard and fast rules – just common sense ones, having to do with physical and emotional safety. </p>
<p>Oh, and walk the dog.</p>
<p>
- You are fooling yourselves
- Your son knows that you are fooling yourselves
- Your son knows that you know that you are fooling yourselves</p>
<p>IMHO, doing this shows your son that you prefer to pretend that you don’t know about things you disapprove of. </p>
<p>You already gave them permission to sleep together in your house in the past. Why start playing “make believe” now?</p>
<p>musica—love your “rule”!!!</p>