We dropped our 14 year old son off at BS the fall of 2020 and it was like dropping him off into a void. He got out. We took his stuff out of the car. We talked to his advisor from a safe distance in a mask. A quick hug to him and he was gone all in less than five minutes. I think I was in shock because my mind didn’t register it until about a half hour afterwards. It was rough. I tell this story because we all survived and our son has thrived. As will all of you when you drop off your child for the first time this fall. I’m all for do it quickly and don’t linger.
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I wished I had dropped everything and done more detailed research on each individual school. I’ve come to realize that every school is uniquely different when you dig into their programs, outcomes, and everything else. I don’t think it would have changed our application list necessarily. But I’m realizing when my D and I got certain vibes about each schools we toured, we were likely sensing these other details about the school we weren’t fully aware of yet. I don’t know if its intentional, but it feels like each school has carved out a unique identity for itself in the college landscape. But its more efficient to get a general idea of each school and drill down after you get accepted, which is what we did.
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I wish I had chilled a little more during our oldest’s college search. He was so bright and such a good runner, I stressed about his getting into exactly the right school. I think I took a lot of the fun out of the search for him. I was much more relaxed with my other two kids.
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We have had all meds prescribed from our home state. We found one pharmacy that will mail to another state every 30 days. The other kid gets 90 day refills.
i will admit that one time, one kid had to pretend he was in our home state when doing a telehealth appointment, otherwise the Dr could not prescribe. Usually we try to get them in each time they are home so they can continue to get refills. It is something I do worry about, but we have not had anyone run out of meds yet.
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So you don’t recommend getting a nearby airbnb for a month and working remotely? Asking for a friend… 
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Tell your “friend” to plan something fabulous for the day after you get home from drop off. Manicure. A long walk with a friend you haven’t seen in forever. Trying that tiramisu recipe you got from your foodie sibling. You need an incentive to get moving after a hug and a “don’t talk to strangers” reminder (which will embarrass your kid in front of the roommate basically forever).
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Most of my D’s friends who found friends on social media ended up not having particulary good experiences. I don’t think they really consider what makes a good roommate when “shopping” on social media. And they don’t really get to know each other well it is practically random anyway. I remember when my D was touring at Duke they were just going away from allowing students to pick their own roommmates. They found that students tended to pick students that “looked” like them - maybe not consciously - but I assume going with what seemed familar.
At my daughter’s school the students CAN pick roommates but very few do. Instead, students fill out questionaires about things like what room temp they prefer, bed times, how they see the spaced being used (social space or study space), thoughts about overnight guests, etc. Then upperclassmen who are in charge of orientation week do the matching. It tends to work very well, though of course it’s not perfect. The biggest issue is when parents look over their kids shoulders when they fill out the forms so that the kids aren’t really honest.
We really stressed with our daughter that having a roommate you could co-exist with was more important than being best friends with your roommate. I’m not sure she agreed with us at first but now she gets that she has some friends she loves dearly that she would not want to share a small space with for a long period of time.
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Yes, yes, yes. Let your kids be totally honest about their housekeeping skills, their bedtimes and their partying levels. Don’t try to have a random roommate serve as your child’s ‘good behavior example’. That sets up dorm room armageddon.
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Works for me too!
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My oldest knew her roommate from HS, it was fine, they were more friendly in HS than friends. The next one chose his roommate but there was a glitch so he went random, they were good roommates (both very nice guys) but different interests (turns out his roommate was openly gay, not an issue, my straight son was involved in MT since 10 or so, maybe that?). The next went random and wow, college hit it out of the park! Graduated 2 years ago and still super close and visit each other 8 hours away. Next they chose each other, worked fine and still friends junior year (and they really look alike!). The last one it was pretty apparent that it was truly random (and I think I learned from others that it really was). I don’t know if they even spoke. It’s a crapshoot.
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Another one to plead honesty on these questions. S23 is convinced roommate’s mother actually filled out the information for the roommate she wanted her son to have.
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One of the Accepted Student days we attended had a staff member who gave a great talk about why students should not pick their roommates from social media or brief meet ups. My D didn’t end up going to that school but took that advice with her and did not pre-select a roommate. She’s still in her first year but so far her roommate has been great. They don’t travel in the same circles but both of them like that -they can come back to the room to decompress. They get along very well but are not planning to live together next year, a mutual decision. Both have developed strong friend groups this year and are making housing plans for next year with those groups, but I hope that she and her current roommate will remain friends.
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True story: we planned a week of college visits with D2 for right after we dropped D1 - we didn’t even stay in the same town, too sad. On the second day, while stopped at a fast food restaurant, my spouse found a puppy on Instagram, and we adopted it and picked it up when we got back. Did the puppy replace D1? Let’s not use that word!
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This plan has crossed my mind MORE than once! #onlychild
My son’s school used a questionnaire to match roommates. I can’t really recall whether they also offer the option of choosing for first-years. Based on my son’s experience, I don’t think that one way is necessarily better than the other, as he ended up having quite a bad experience with an assigned roommate who drank too much, didn’t study and ended up having to leave school mid-year. I can always tell myself it was a learning experience, but it was a rough way to start out in a totally new place. Maybe it helped him think effectively about who he WOULD like to room with, as he had a terrific experience living with the people he teamed up with the next three years.
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FERPA. Have them sign a waiver giving you permission for whatever they decide. (Some schools may have a blanket waiver and others may allow the student to decide what you can see, for example finances but not grades.)
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Having taught a first year seminar for years, the one constant that I see is that if you room with a friend from high school, you will not be friends by the end of the year. TO A PAIR, I have seen this play out, and my kids know that while I have very few requirements for the college experience, a huge one is that they will GO RANDOM for roommate assignments. Harlan Cohen has a bit in his book (and on youtube) about this, and I can confirm, it’s stuff like this that has made me make this guideline for my own kids. On the flip side, I’ve seen amazing friendships blossom from going random - and then in the middle are the roommates that don’t bloom into lifelong friendships but get along fine for the time they are living together.
(I’m sure someone will chime in with a story of how their kid had a great time living with their best friend, and I’m sure it happens, but in almost 2 decades of watching these first year, first semester students transition to college, I promise it is the exception to the rule.)
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My D knew two kids from her high school who were going to the same out of state school who put in for random roommates and the school paired them up! No idea what the thinking was that went into that 
. I’ll have to ask her how that ended up.
Having also taught freshman seminars for years, I 
agree with you on the issues that happen when friends from hs room together.
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This happened to two kids from my daughter’s class. They asked the school to change it and put them with other people and they did. No idea why the college would think that was a good idea!
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I think this is a really good idea. If for some reason my D and her friend end up at the same school I am going to make (or at least try) them go random. It is not because I think they wouldn’t get along but they are both quiet kids so I could see them staying in their own little bubble.