<p>Before I vent, I want to make it completely clear that I know that this is not a tragedy or even necessarily a truly bad thing, but I feel very sorry for the kid involved.</p>
<p>Here’s the situation: ZG has had a friend since pre-k, although they chose different high schools. Nice girl, very smart, accomplished, athletic – only child of older parents. Happens to be a URM from a working class background. Her parents are the strictest I’ve ever known and incredibly demanding. Put the child, who is on the youngish side for her grade and a little awkward, into a female academy for high school. This school is known for its snooty rich kids who can be extremely vicious. The school is also about 99% white. The friend was absolutely miserable for the entire time in the school because she was THE target. She just didn’t want to be in an all girls’ school, but her grades/scores/ECs were excellent. Came a point where she was so overwhelmed with stress that she started misbehaving a bit, disappearing for hours at a time and making her parents angry. Anyway, both girls went through parallel college searches and the one thing the friend always said was that she never wanted to be in an all female, competitive environment again as long as she lives. Repeated this constantly and communicated her wishes clearly to her parents. They were interested in HYP and Wellesley. Daughter was fine with HYP and had some other excellent choices, but was adamant about not wanting to go to Wellesley and everyone knew it. Didn’t even want to apply but had no choice. I’ve been out of the loop for a few weeks because of personal stuff and finally saw the friend yesterday and asked her where she had decided to attend. She looked at me and said “Wellesley” with a big sigh. Anyone else I would have congratulated, but she just sighed and shook her head. I asked her if she was ok with it and she said “how can I even care anymore.” I just don’t get the need to force an exemplary young woman to do something that she doesn’t want when money isn’t an issue and she has several excellent acceptances. I know this is not terrible but I am very sad for her hopes being thwarted and her feeling that she’s not even a person to her parents.</p>
<p>Maybe the student should demonstrate an even more bold act of rebellion and simply attend the school of her choice, or even refuse to attend [defer]this coming academic year while her parents get tired of her hanging around the house (if she doesn’t get a job).</p>
<p>How does one try to give a voice to a teen whose parents will not listen? At least she will be away from folks. She will have to make the best of it, and while away, learn to speak up, speak her mind, spealk her heart, and get more of what SHE wants out of life. </p>
<p>Perhaps until she can control her financial destiny, her parents will be pulling the strings.</p>
<p>zoozermom, I had a friend in HS who was only child. Her parents were very strict, but she did attend public school. By strict, I mean that there were many rules that most other teens did not have. For example, jeans were not allowed to be worn at school by her parents (although they were allowed to worn according to the school’s dress code, and most girls wore them at least occasionally). She was not allowed to stay out on a Friday or Saturday night after 9pm to go anywhere (no exceptions). Their D wore jeans at school. She snuck them into her backpack and changed as soon as she got to school. Her parents both worked, so she could wear the jeans home and not get caught. There were many other rules as well (ie: no dating in hs). She was sent to a religious college in the south. She rebelled there. I don’t know what ever happened to her, but I had heard that she went overboard partying, and generally not limiting her social life, etc. In the end, I really don’t know what her parents accomplished with their very rigid rules.</p>
<p>I feel very sorry about this young girl’s controlling parents. Are they immigrants? We’ve encountered some parents like that, including from the Caribbean, who had very strict notions of discipline.</p>
<p>But college is not like k-12, and I doubt that she will encounter the mean girls phenomenon at Wellesley. I know it’s hard to feel so down at this point, but perhaps you can encourage her to look at the positives of Wellesley instead of the negatives of an all-women’s college. Wellesley is a gorgeous college, with fabulous profs and great students and lots of opportunities for research both at Wellesley or abroad. Also, as a Wellesley student, she can take courses at MIT or spend a year as a visiting student at Harvard (or some other college) if she wishes.</p>
<p>I agree with marite - she will find many opportunities at Wellesley. Also, had she been dead set against Wellesley, it would have been easy enough to sabotage her application - a quick call to the admissions office or something said during her interview would have done the trick, I’m sure.</p>
<p>I also feel for this girl, as her decisions have always been made for her. It always concerns me when parents are very strict and limit what their kids are exposed to even up until they leave the nest. I have friends from college who have always limited their two girls’ TV watching, music listening choices and what types of social activities they may attend; for ex. they were not permitted to attend our college reunion because “people are drinking and dancing here.” Even as middle school aged kids, they were only allowed to watch PBS kids’ shows-nothing else, no exceptions. The girls are both now in h.s. (older one is a current Junior) and neither has really ever been exposed to the ways of the world. I am very worried about how these girls will react once they get to college. What types of choices will they make when their parents are no longer there to make them? Will they go absolutely wild and become Lindsey Lohan trainwrecks? Or will they listen to what their parents have been hammering into their heads all their lives and become good, responsible students? I’ve seen much of the former happening.</p>
<p>“I feel very sorry about this young girl’s controlling parents. Are they immigrants? We’ve encountered some parents like that, including from the Caribbean, who had very strict notions of discipline.”</p>
<p>They’re only immigrants from the South, LOL. I think she really believed that when the other prestigious acceptances came in her parents would be fine with choosing another college that they had agreed she could apply to. She’s also not a dishonest person who would have sabotaged her applications, besides at that level, no admission is a sure thing, so I suspect that she was thinking that if she got in somewhere else she’d go there, but if she had no other acceptances, she’d have to go to Wellesley. I don’t think the college is so much the issue (although I know her and I don’t think she will thrive there) as the fact that her parents steamrolled her on something so important when she thought they had at least an uneasy truce. If that makes any sense.</p>
<p>I hope she will be so relieved to be on her own, away from her parents, that she will have a great time.</p>
<p>Although her high school was all girls, it seems there were many other factors that contributed to her misery, and those will not follow her to Wellesley.</p>
<p>Springfield mom, you described those parents perfectly. They dictate everything. Clothing, social activities, instrument played, schedules, friends. Everything. She’s a competent person but totally beaten down. I wouldn’t be surprised if she did a transfer application to a “lesser” school where she might get money and they didn’t see her again. She is really thinking of that.</p>
<p>I wasn’t saying she had to be dishonest, but back when I was in high school, my dad made me apply to HIS dream college. Being cooperative, and not seeing much choice (and also hoping they wouldn’t accept me), I applied. I ended up having a great interview, and right at the end, the interviewer asked me if whatever school was my first choice. I HONESTLY replied “No.” I hadn’t expected the question, and I certainly hadn’t gone into the interview intending to sabotage myself, but I AM thankful I was not admitted, as it would have been very difficult to get my dad to let me go anywhere else if they’d taken me. As it was, we had a major fight when I didn’t want to go to his second choice school (also one I would have never applied to had it been solely my choice).</p>
<p>Of course, it’s also possible that the young woman you’re discussing might end up liking Wellesley. It’s very diverse, and the proximity to Boston is a big plus. There’s not much that her parents can do to restrict her physical freedom once she’s there (unless she is a commuter). The experience may be nothing like high school.</p>
<p>“The experience may be nothing like high school.”</p>
<p>I’m sure that’s true, but going in with this attitude (and I don’t think she can really help how angry and helpless she feels), it’s going to be difficult for her to get off on the right foot. It’s a wonderful school, but the young lady thinks that it would have never, ever been right for her.</p>
<p>She will love Wellesley. She is lucky that her parents’ plan has backfired–Wellesley certainly is not a rigid, no freedom, all-Catholic white girls academy! You can talk to her and tell her the “secret” about Wellesley. Keeping a good attitude will help her feel good about the path she is being forced to take. The good thing about college is that, it is what you make of it. If she follows her parents’ rules (which I doubt) then Wellesley could be what they imagined–that strict atmosphere. But if she forges her own path there, which she certainly can in such a wonderful environment, she can have a lot of fun!!!</p>
<p>I respectfully disagree. Just because it’s a great school with a great name and tradition doesn’t mean that it’s right for everyone. She adamantly opposed attending a women’s college, and I think attending a women’s college should be a very carefully considered choice.</p>
<p>True, I turned it down myself for that very reason. You are very knowledgeable about colleges, etc…tell her you’re there to help her if she wants to transfer?</p>
<p>“True, I turned it down myself for that very reason. You are very knowledgeable about colleges, etc…tell her you’re there to help her if she wants to transfer?”</p>
<p>Absolutely. Although I find it sad. I do think that wherever she ends up graduating from college, her parents won’t have much of a place in her adult life and that will be their loss.</p>
<p>I totally agree that an all-women’s college is not for everyone. What I hope this young friend of yours (bless you for being there for her) can achieve is a less defeated and defeatist attitude. I give the same advice to students who end up having to attend a college that was not their first choice: Go with an open mind, make the most of your first year there, and, if it still is not right after the first semester, apply for a transfer. But if you think you will be miserable, you will surely be miserable.
So perhaps you might be able to encourage your young friend to focus on the courses she could be taking, on the experiences she might have in the Boston area, etc… rather than dwelling on the fact that Wellesley is an all-women’s college. It is that, but it is many other things besides!</p>
<p>I totally second marite’s post. I feel for the girl (and you because this is obviously bothering you), especially because I’m sure you feel that it is so unnecessary. Both of my children chose different schools than I would have out of their array of choices, and I am sure you would allow this as well. However, as marmite suggests, separate out anger with the parents from advice to the girl. Tell her to be happy to spite her parents! One of my favorite quotes is, “Happiness is the best revenge.” (Sara and Gerald Murphy, 1920’s Paris, American ex-patriots.) This has helped me with a lot of my own negativity. Peruse the MIT website with her. It’s awesome! (and I’m a lit. prof).</p>
<p>"Tell her to be happy to spite her parents! "</p>
<p>I don’t think it would spite them, just make the father even more smug. I do know that she is a wonderful human being and will be an asset to her college in any case. Hopefully she can either come to terms with the decision or move on to another college. Transferring isn’t the end of the world, right?</p>