This bothers me

Parent Cafe
21

<p>What I wonder is why the student didn’t do what so many students do when forced by parents to apply to a college that they hate: The students either deliberately mess up their app so there’s no way the college will accept them or the students write the college and ask to be turned down.</p>

<p>Anyway, the student still has a choice, and there’s no time better than now to pursue that choice: She can refuse to go to Wellesley, find a job, move out of her parents’ house and then apply where she really wants to go. </p>

<p>Given her apparently stellar credentials, she should be able to get into a top college that she likes that also will give her merit aid. Of course, places like HPYS are out of the pix since they don’t offer merit aid, but plenty of other excellent colleges do offer such aid. I also would bet that given the prospect of having a kid who isn’t going to college or a kid who’s going to a college that the parents don’t like, there’s a good chance that the parents will back down. </p>

<p>There is no time better than now for the student to stand up to her parents because she will either have to do it some day or live forever under their thumbs.</p>

22

<p>“What I wonder is why the student didn’t do what so many students do when forced by parents to apply to a college that they hate: The students either deliberately mess up their app so there’s no way the college will accept them or the students write the college and ask to be turned down.” </p>

<p>She really and truly thought that they had a deal where Wellesley would be the last resort if nothing else they agreed upon came through. As I said, she’s not a dishonest person and held up her end of the bargain and thought her parents would do the same. She doesn’t believe that she would be able to stay in her parents’ home if she doesn’t go there in the fall, so she is thinking her best bet would be to go there, earn good grades and then transfer out as soon as possible. I sort of think that might be a good path for her. But she definitely needs to get out from under their (especially the father’s) thumbs and she knows that. This shouldn’t be bothering me so much, but I’ve seen 14 years of her being disappointed and frustrated but always thinking the best of her parents.</p>

23

<p>Somebody should intervene and tell her that she is an adult and now is the time to stop toeing the line. It has to stop at some point, and should stop at a point when the destructiveness will be nil, or very limited. I had to do a less dramatic, but similar ultimatum with my father and said I’d rather choose no school than school under the terms he was holding over me. And when he saw I meant it, he backed off and never said another peep. And I got my degree in the way I wanted and he went on to brag about it. It’s not like she’s asking permission to join a traveling dance troupe in South America. It’s time for them to give in a bit now.</p>

24

<p>“Somebody should intervene and tell her that she is an adult and now is the time to stop toeing the line.”</p>

<p>I can say with a clear conscience that his daughter believes, as do I, that if she doesn’t attend this college in the fall, her father will cut her off completely and throw her out of the house. Until she can make other plans, she does have to be careful or she could really suffer.</p>

25

<p>Given how controlling her parents are, she needs to take a stand now. Things will not get any better in the future. One doesn’t get bullies to back off by caving into them.</p>

<p>When I taught college, one of the best students in my college’s history had had to stand up to his parents to go to our college. He had researched his options and correctly had decided that our college, while a 2nd/3rd tier, offered him better opportunities in his field of choice than did the 1st tier college that he was accepted to. His parents threatened to disinherit him and also stopped speaking to him for months when he chose our college. They wouldn’t even drive him to college.</p>

<p>They told him that by choosing our college, he would “never meet the movers and shakers of the world.” He ended up meeting the U.S. president twice, including once when the student asked the president a question on national TV. The student graduated to an excelllent, well paying job, and by then, his parents had seen the error of their ways and threw him a graduation oarty where his dad publicly apologized for having tried to get the student to go elsewhere.</p>

<p>I assume that the student would need the parent’s financial support to go to Wellesley which is why I suggest that now is the time for the student to have the guts to get a job, move out of her parents’ house and apply to colleges that she likes where she’s likely to get the merit aid that she needs to attend. Americorps could be a good option for her. She can get a job and then move out. There’s nothing her parents can do to prevent this. Americorps could be a great option because some programs also provide housing. All provide a stipend of about $200 plus at the end of one year’s service, Americorps members get $4,700 to use for college.</p>

<p>Parents like hers only get worse over time unless one has the guts to stand up to them. If she doesn’t, they’ll be choosing her major, grad school, spouse, career and how she raises her kids.</p>

<p>She is lucky that she apparently has an outstanding EC and academic background and there are plenty of colleges that gladly would provide her with full aid to attend them.</p>

26

<p>“I assume that the student would need the parent’s financial support to go to Wellesley which is why I suggest that now is the time for the student to have the guts to get a job, move out of her parents’ house and apply to colleges that she likes where she’s likely to get the merit aid that she needs to attend. Americorps could be a good option for her. She can get a job and then move out.”</p>

<p>Maybe I’m just dumb, but I can’t figure out how she would logistically do that. Getting an apartment would take a couple of thousand dollars and likely someone to co-sign the lease. I just can’t imagine how she would get all that done before she’s supposed to leave in August, particularly without her parents finding out anything. Why do you think that going to Wellesley and transferring is a bad idea? I like the Americorps idea. Do they accept high school graduates or must you have attended college?</p>

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<p>Check out the Americorps site: <a href=“Loading...”>Loading...;

<p>There’s a good chance that she could apply now for a one-year Americorps volunteer position that begins in Aug. or Sept. Depending on what program she applies to, housing would be provided. </p>

<p>If she gets a summer job – something that many high school students do anyway to get $ for college – she could save the money to pay for things like transportation to her Americorps job or anything else that she would need.</p>

<p>Link to Americorps: <a href=“Loading...”>Loading...;

<p>Other options could include moving out of her parent’s house by becoming an au pair. Plenty of doting parents probably would be happy to hire a responsible, bright high school grad to take care of their infant or preschooler. There are jobs that are live-in.</p>

<p>Since she’s obviously a very bright, accomplished, responsible young woman, I’m sure that if she wants to stand up to her parents, she can find a way to do so. The only thing that would prevent her is courage.</p>

<p>Her thoughts about planning to do well and then transfer are pipe dreams, as much fantasies as was her idea of thinking that her parents would back off their insistence on Wellesley if she got accepted to other top colleges. She can either choose to take charge of her life now or she can continue being miserable while leading the life that her parents insist on.</p>

<p>We aren’t talking about a young person who’s making bad decisions and consequently has parents who have a good reason for forcefully insisting that the young adult do things the parents’ way. We’re talking about a responsible, highly accomplished young woman whose parents seem to be trying to run her life. </p>

<p>This won’t change unless she has the guts to make a life for herself. Unlike many young adults in her position, she has the grades and other accomplishments which would make her a desireable employee, Americorps volunteer or college student at many excellent places, so if she has the guts to step out on her own, she can land on her feet.</p>

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<p>Excellent advice and food for thought. Thank you Northstarmom.</p>

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<p>Zoosermom:</p>

<p>As Hanna, who usually posts on the Harvard forum, has experienced, it is possible to transfer from an all-girls school (in her case Bryn Mawr) to Harvard. In Hanna’s case, she found Bryn Mawr too small. There are, of course, many many colleges other than Harvard where your young friend could transfer. But in order to be able to do so, she needs to go to Wellesley with a positive attitude.</p>

30

<p>If she had an understanding with her parents that Wellesley was a last resort, she would be perfectly within her rights to express that in her application to said college, right? It’s the truth isn’t it? Seems like that would have taken care of the problem right there.</p>

31

<p>“Seems like that would have taken care of the problem right there.”</p>

<p>She would have had to know that at the time and she didn’t. She hadn’t even turned 17 yet when she filled out the applications (which her father micromanaged) and it’s not unusual for kids that age to take their parents at their word.</p>

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<p>Why think the best of her parents? they are bullies and mean, and don’t much care about their daughter, who should get away from their control as soon as she can</p>

<p>I am assuming they are paying for everything, or this wouldn’t be an issue…what is her financial aid situation like?</p>

<p>would she be willing to go to a state school, incur some debt and be her own person?</p>

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<p>What I saw as a college prof was that parents who were bullies over the college app process always had been bullies. Some teens despite their own young age had the wisdom to accept that their parents were bullies, and that the best thing for the teens to do was to do whatever was necessary to make their own lives and decisions after high school.</p>

<p>Sadly, some people continue to hold onto the fantasy that if they are good enough, Mommy and Daddy will allow them to live their own lives. Holding onto false hopes can lead to a totally miserable life. I’ve known adults who chose their careers, homes, spouses based on what their parents’ demanded. By the time their parents either had died or were too old to try to be involved, unfortunately the adult offspring had long ago forgotten what their own aspirations were.</p>

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<p>amen, NSM…this will not end here, if the girl does attend wellsley, she should start planning the “pullaway” from the parents, many kids work parttime and make it work, its hard, but I think that is better than being under the thumb of a tyrant</p>

<p>The girl needs to see that they want to control her life, and a big part of that control is keeping her away from boys, and that is not right</p>

<p>That is not why girls go to all girls schools, they go for lots of really good reasons, but dad, that is my gut feeling, that if your aren’t around males, you will be a 'good girl"</p>

35

<p>CGM you hit the nail on the head. Dad is desperate to keep his daughter away from boys, and NSM, you were exactly right too, that she thought if she was cooperative about this school and got into other schools that the parents had agreed upon, then she would attend a school that all were happy with</p>

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<p>“Dad is desperate to keep his daughter away from boys”</p>

<p>But not girls? </p>

<p>Had a couple students come home from eastern all girls schools to attend state schools. Biggest problem, fending off advances from classmates. </p>

<p>It’s a different world kids. </p>

<p>Dad may get his wish, sort of.</p>

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<p>If her parents are footing the bill, she should go to Wellesley and make the best of it until she is 18. Then she can re evaluate.</p>

<p>A year and a half at Wellesley, with parents paying room and board, should be fine. Take good classes, meet friends, enjoy Boston.</p>

<p>Then, when she is 18, she can think about what she really wants to do.</p>

<p>Or, brainstorming, here’s a thought: she could decide she really wants to be an engineer. (Do any of the women’s colleges offer engineering? I am not thinking so.)</p>

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<p>“Or, brainstorming, here’s a thought: she could decide she really wants to be an engineer. (Do any of the women’s colleges offer engineering? I am not thinking so.)”</p>

<p>Oh that’s good! Would you believe that she doesn’t know yet what she wants to do? Yes her parents are footing the bill. As I may (too lazy to check) have pointed out, they were older when she was born and have always saved diligently, so they can pay the entire amount out of savings, but I really do believe that she would get merit money in schools down a little lower.</p>

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<p>“If her parents are footing the bill, she should go to Wellesley and make the best of it until she is 18. Then she can re evaluate.”</p>

<p>The problem is that if she wants to transfer, there are some colleges that don’t accept many transfers. There also are many colleges that don’t offer merit aid to transfers. I’m assuming that since her parents are so controlling, she won’t be able to get their financial support unless she attends the college of their choice. Consequently, it would be a prioriity for her to be able to get merit aid.</p>

<p>A URM who was able to get into top colleges would be able to get some very nice merit aid from some other top colleges – if she is courageous enough to take a gap year, support herself, and apply to colleges that interest her.</p>

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<p>Zossermom I can understand why this would bother you. I find the story heartbreaking, especially because it doesn’t have to be. It’s just plain sad. I know a girl from our HS who was vibrant and a talented pianist who went to Wellesley because she didn’t get into her other schools. People told her she’d be happy after she got there and that studying with a reputedly good piano teacher there would raise her spirits. I’ve seen her a couple of times, she’s a junior there, and quite truthfully, her unhappiness shows. The piano teacher also turned out to be much more interested in her own concerts than in teaching Wellesley girls.<br>
Obviously this is just one story and it could turn out to be different for your friend, but then again it may not.</p>