<p>I am a person who refused my parents’ control. I had very high credentials, but I chose to graduate h. s. a year early to avoid my father’s paranoid control, also around the issue of boys. I didn’t have too many options at that time, July or August? after jr. year, but I was able to find a spot and housing! at a good SUNY school. In those long ago days a Regents scholarship paid full tuition and room and board were quite minimal. However, I must say that the trauma did take a terrible toll on my health, physical and emotional, and I ended up paying room and board with Federal OVR money because my health became so shaky. I was previously the picture of health, but health problem has persisted to this day. I did direct my own life and build a successful lfe (and eventually repair relations with my parents who did not know any better), but I do regret lost opportunity of elite college, continued health (probably). Seventeen is awfully young to go-it-alone. Wellesley isn’t poison. Wouldn’t this young girl be better armed to do battle by having an excellent degree, reasonable earning power and the emotional maturity to do battle with the inner demons that will certainly surface when she deals with a childhood of tyranny? Just a thought.</p>
<p>The story is heartbreaking only if the girl continues to let her parents take control over her life. This story can be heartbreaking or empowering depending on what she chooses to do.</p>
<p>The student whom I know who chose a college over his parents’ threats of disinheriting him says that making that choice was the toughest thing he ever has done in his life. However, he says that it was worth it because afterward, he could stand up to any kind of challenge.</p>
<p>He’s now in his late 20s and is a finalist in a major competition in his field.</p>
<p>NSM, I didn’t know that about transfers sometimes receiving less money. That’s a great bit of info for me to pass along. Andi, the girl in question is also a musician, so that’s interesting, as well.</p>
<p>Smith has the only all women’s engineering degree.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, the girl I know was absolutely exhuberant in hs and just loved to perform. We all loved watching her because she so obviously enjoyed herself. The teacher was so disinterested and self-absorbed (dispite having a good reputation) that the last time I saw the girl she had given up her lessons. She said the teacher was so busy elsewhere that her lessons kept getting cancelled and then reached a point where she didn’t bother anymore. I felt very sorry for her. And btw, she too came from quite controlling parents.</p>
<p>Northstarmom your story is heartening.</p>
<p>my suggestion is to Plan the pullaway, use this college as a jumping off point for the rest of her life</p>
<p>She is young, yes, but if she must go to Wellsley at this point, she must, this late in the game makes it difficult to get options</p>
<p>So at this point the girl should do her best, minimize contact to what she absolutely must do with her parents, go home the minimum amount she can get away with, always have plans or classes or something for summers, weekends, vacations, so that she can grow into her own person</p>
<p>This is not ideal and is sad, surely, but her age and the timing make it more difficult to go it alone, and her parents are not honest with her</p>
<p>She should look into programs that involve males, theater is a good one…</p>
<p>my heart goes out, but zoosermom, you can be her sounding board, and remind her, that some parents will never change and there is nothing wrong with not pleasing them, so long as you are a good person</p>
<p>" always have plans or classes or something for summers, weekends, vacations, so that she can grow into her own person"</p>
<p>Parents who are bullies don’t let you do things like that. Their kids can’t choose their own majors or decide whether to go home for vacations. The parents also will use their checkbooks to beat their kids into submission – more reason for the girl to now find her own way. If she doesn’t, her parents will probably have her major in something that she hates, and then be headed for a career that she despises.</p>
<p>Jeez, everyone has it in for the parents on this thread. It’s somewhat dangerous. It seems like the OP is more interested in getting back at the parents for their bad parenting, through the daughter, than simply helping the daughter.</p>
<p>That is what I am sensing here–the emphasis is on personal disagreement with and resent for the bad parents instead of altruistic help for the child. zoosermom would rather hear her opinion confirmed that Wellesley is a poor match for this girl, than to hear advice about helping the girl like Wellesley. It’s common for kids to judge Wellesley before getting there. Can’t you at least support the girl until she gets there, encouraging her to at least TRY the place out? It’s almost as though you WANT to prove the parents wrong. Proving your point is not going to help anybody.</p>
<p>How about you Talk to the parents? Don’t deal with the kid; confront the problem (which is the parents) since you care so much about the girl and are willing to help her to such a great extent. No parents are COMPLETE stone walls. These parents obviously want the best for their daughter. The definition of that is to some extent THEIR parenting decision. If their path alarms you, which it rightly does, discuss it with them. If you are close enough to the girl to care about her this much, then you ought to be close enough to her parents to discuss this with them. A teenage girl on the road to rebellion should not be the person to deal with in this situation.</p>
<p>Talk to the parents, have you read about the parents?</p>
<p>What did I say that was wrong? I said she needs to find a way to live her life, a good life, and while she is at Wellesley, to plan for that life, that college is a stepping stone, and if the girl really works hard, makes the best of this, she can have HER OWN LIFE<not the life her parents want to force her to have</p>
<p>Guess you never dealt with bullies, and yes, parents can be horrid bullies…</p>
<p>As for parenting decision, some kids can’t talk to their parents, parnents are jerks sometimes, imagine</p>
<p>And no, the parents don’t “obviously” want the best for their daughter…if they do, they would care somewhat about her feelings, don’t you think?</p>
<p>“no parents are complete stonewalls”</p>
<p>really, um, yes some are</p>
<p>Wellesley has semester and year abroad. Will her parents let her do this? They also have cross registration with MIT, Olin, Brandeis, and Babson. Couldn’t she take advantage of these without her parents knowing. They also have exchange programs with other colleges. Would her parents actually let her transfer if she didn’t like Wellesley? If she graduates from college with her parent’s financial support, she can then get a job and support herself and be free to do what she wants. I don’t think she’ll be under her parent’s thumb forever if she goes to Wellesley.</p>
<p>" don’t think she’ll be under her parent’s thumb forever if she goes to Wellesley."</p>
<p>Theoretically, that would be true. However, i’ve noticed that parents who are very controlling keep being very controlling until their offspring have the courage to break free. The longer the OP’s young friend continues caving in, the harder it will be for her to break loose of her parents. She’ll lack the confidence to do so, and every day, she’ll also have been following more the path that they set for her instead of the path of her own aspirations. The more that she follows their demands, the less confident she’ll be able having the ability to forge her own path.</p>
<p>Even after college, the parents could hold the same threats over her head that they are holding now. Most students who choose to go straight to work after college aren’t able to get employment until after a few months of searching, during which time, they live at home. Her parents could refuse to allow her to do this unless she accepts the job of their choice in the location of their choice.</p>
<p>Her parents also can refuse to pay for Wellesley unless she majors in the field of their choice. If she really thinks that she has no other options, she’ll cave in, and will then be stuck continuing to follow the path that they set for her.</p>
<p>I don’t suggest that the OP get directly involved by talking to the parents. The situation really is between the high school senior and her own parents, and the girl needs to work things out for herself. If the OP does anything, she could simply let the girl know about options such as a gap year with a job that could allow her to go to a college more to her liking.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, what is the mother like…does she do whatever the husband wants? does the dad treat everyone like this?</p>
<p>and does mom in anyway support daughter, or does she give in to dad</p>
<p>Zoosermom could the GC help in any way by approaching the parents via an educational standpoint or is it too late by now?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>NSMom: Nice story. And have his parents come around? Or better yet, do they now take full credit for the path he chose? That kinda happened in my incomparably minor, yet similar, case.</p>
<p>Bedhead,
Way before he graduated from college, his parents came around and even threw him a graduation party where his dad publiclly apologized for attempting to strongarm his son to go elsewhere.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, the S has a picture frame that on one side has a pix of him shaking hands with the U.S. president. On the other side, the S printed out a statement by his mom saying, “If you go to XXX university, you’ll never meet the movers and shakers of the world.”</p>
<p>Ha ha ha! 10 chars</p>
<p>I haven’t read this whole thread, so I may have missed something.</p>
<p>First, you say she is a “URM with working-class parents,” who forced her to go to a private high school, filled with “rich snooty girls.” Then you say something about money and the father controlling the purse strings. So is the girl “poor,” or is she “rich,” too? If they can afford to send her to Wellesley, with no financial aid, she should have fit right in with the “rich” girls at the school she attended for high school. </p>
<p>While I can understand why she might not want to go to an all-girls school, something about this story and this girl just don’t fit. Again, I haven’t read all the posts, but I’m confused–as ever. Just from reading the little bit I have, sounds to me that this girl “doth protest too much.” She “sounds” a little phony to me. She could have quite easily screwed up her Wellesley application to avoid acceptance there. She could have even forgotten to have sent it in. Any number of scenarios would have prevented her from getting accepted there. Again, something doesn’t quite fit here.</p>
<p>“It seems like the OP is more interested in getting back at the parents for their bad parenting, through the daughter, than simply helping the daughter.”</p>
<p>You are 100% wrong. 1000% wrong. I just don’t want to see this girl on the street and I am worried that she could be headed there if she doesn’t plan correctly. I’m also deeply worried that she is suffering from depression, which would be a bad thing going INTO college. There is nothing vindictive in any of my posts. You are projecting something that isn’t there.</p>
<p>"No parents are COMPLETE stone walls. These parents obviously want the best for their daughter. "</p>
<p>You are wrong about this, too. The husband doesn’t even talk or listen to his wife. He is about 68 years old now and completely out of patience for or interest in his daughter living her life.</p>