This one almost pushed me over the edge...

Parent Cafe
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<p>Fill in the rest of the story:</p>

<p>So, I was petrified of today for weeks ahead, but couldn’t talk about it here because I didn’t want to ‘publicize’ any information for creepy stalkers out there. Before D2 (freshman) left for college in Allentown, she discovered her favorite band was scheduled to play in Philly tonight, so she bought a ticket thinking when she got to school she could find someone to go along with her. When I asked what she’d do if she didn’t find anyone, she said, “I’ll go alone.” ::blood pressure rises 20 points::</p>

<p>So for my own sanity, I started checking bus schedules, etc. because knowledge is power (for a mama), and I needed to know all the details because I knew she wasn’t going to share them with me. So I saw that there was a bus she could take, but leaving Allentown and arriving in Philly at 3:30… 3 1/2 hours before the concert. And the last bus leaving Philly to return to Allentown was leaving at 9:15PM. Concert was to begin at 7PM - no opening act. Last week she IMs me and says she still doesn’t know how she’s going to get to the concert, and that she can’t find anyone to go with her. ::: blood pressure rises another 20 points::</p>

<p>In the meantime I had also discovered, to her true luck, that the venue was all of two blocks from the bus station. So I said, “I know, I know.” And told her about the close proximity of the station to the venue. With a concert starting at 7, she could stay for 2 hours, and hook it back to the bus station, in time to get the last bus. She was a bit miffed that I knew more about this than she did before she even asked.</p>

<p>So yesterday she IMs me, and says she’s doing it alone, but promises to text message me or call me with updates. So I get a text message today when she gets on the bus in Allentown (I told her to buy her ticket round trip so she wouldn’t waste any time getting on the bus for the return trip). Then she calls me once she gets to Philly - luckily there is a mall near the bus station/venue she can hang out at until she lines up to get in (no assigned seating - yea, I’m imagining mosh pits and her being by herself, getting trampled) :: blood pressure rises another 20 points.</p>

<p>So she texts me when she’s on the bus waiting for it to leave Philly. I know what time the bus is due in Allentown, and how much time she needs to take a taxi back to campus (it’s only a mile and a half - I have to give her credit for NOT WALKING!). A half hour after the bus was to arrive, I am waiting to hear from her… nothing. I IM her asking her if she’s back… nothing. I text her, asking her where she is… nothing. I call her cell phone and it goes to voice mail. OK… now my worst dreams are coming true. I call again in about five minutes, and she answers. I ask where she is, and she says she’s back in her dorm. Truly believing some criminal has her tied up and is telling her what to say because she can’t be in her dorm because she’s not answering my IMs which have turned panicky. She says, “Oh, I’m next door in our neighbor’s room. I haven’t been back to my room yet.” I don’t know whether to disown her or send her massive amounts of ‘thank God’ IMs to her.</p>

<p>I’d been worried about this for weeks now, and I wanted to reach out to some college parents to console me, tell me their stories of what their kids did and how they survived, but I couldn’t! Maybe by the middle of October I’ll have another one to share about her plans for fall break! Although if she can manage this one, this next endeavor should be a piece of cake.</p>

<p>P.S. Blood pressure has returned to normal.</p>

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<p>I don’t know if it helps- but many venues have banned crowd surfing, although I did hear reports that that my 14 yr old daughter did so at her first rock concert at the Offramp in Seattle during the early 90s
( she went with two friends)</p>

<p>also if it is a big concert the area will be swarming with fans- she sounds very responsible</p>

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<p>I can totally empathize with the entire situation, specifically going into Philly for a concert (alone). We’ve been through similar scenarios with D driving into Philly, Camden, etc. alone and then meeting up with friends. Thank goodness, this has only happened maybe once or twice, but still, it makes me a little nervous, because Philly can be ominous at night. Did she take the bus to center city Phila., because I’m not particularly thrilled with the bus terminal - it’s location, etc. The chinatown bus stops in the same area, so I’m very familiar with that location. Anyway, I’m glad that your D is back safe and sound.</p>

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<p>terriwtt…I can totally relate to your story!!! I have been there, done that too many times. My kids are good about calling when they reach destinations and so forth. I also have had one child drive 6000 miles to Alaska with friends at age 18. That same kid has traveled a lot all alone in Europe to many countries, staying in hotels alone and camping alone. She has called at every juncture agreed upon with arrivals, etc. I also sent my 16 year old off to college in Manhattan, a child who grew up in a rural area. I also have had teenagers driving on dark isolated roads in my region. I have ALWAYS been nervous when a kid is supposed to call and the call is not forthcoming and they cannot be reached (cell phones don’t work in my area, and also there are other situations where they could not be reached by me…the Yukon, Brazil, etc.). What may just be minutes, are like such an enormous eternity to me and I get overly anxious like you did…my mind automatically switches into scenarios of the worst kind. Truly…exactly like you. I think of my teenager in NYC walking home alone every night after rehearsals at around midnight, etc. I have always gotten uptight when a pre-arranged call does not come through or some such. It is even worse in that I have had a child in a death defying car crash where I got the worst call of my life and was hours from home and the cell had no reception, nor could my husband be reached (one problem in a rural area!). </p>

<p>Your story reminds me of several moments I’ve had in just the past year alone. Twice this past year, my 18 year old was stranded alone…once in Jacksonville, FL, at the airport for the night…arranged a hotel room for her to go to by herself, had her call every step of the way, late at night. Another time she was stranded in Dallas, flying from CA back to college in NYC…two nights, no luggage…again in hotel room by self. But one moment that had both my husband and I frazzled (I’m worse than he is this way) was once last winter break…D flew back to NYC from here and as in the past, had been instructed to take a taxi to her dorm and we handed her the 50 bucks to do it and as usual she was to call as she arrived back safely to her dorm. Well, no call. She wasn’t answering her cell. Many tries. Text messaging can’t be done from where I live. Call her roomie…nobody has heard from her. I allow more time. Well, LOTS of time is going by. She never picks up. I cannot fathom any explanation. If I recall this “nightmare” of mine correctly (your post is reminding me of the two hours of terror that night), she called or texted roomie that she was back in NYC but taking a train/shuttle from airport to city…this with two large duffels and other hand luggage. This was soooooooooooooo not what was agreed upon (nor what we gave her money for). Nobody could reach her for a long time. I was in contact by IM with roomie and trying to find out the route someone might have to take from airport and on which systems. I’'m thinking, what if we never hear…who do I even call??? Kids in dorm familiar with it explain back to roomie (who was also from our rural state, lol) what you take and how long it should take someone…and it involved some short shuttle train to some other train into Manhattan but not a direct subway from there to where she was living and not nearly in walking distance either and we knew she could not manage two rolling duffels and two heavy book and computer bags on subway stairs and trains anyway. More time goes by. She is not picking up or returning messages I am then leaving like every 15 min. !! Well, of course she may be underground…or…??? Even roomie and college friends are getting worried. Well, she took it upon herself to try this transit system that she knew very little about and was not our agreed plan and so she figured it would take the same amount of time and be cheaper and never informed us of the choice to change the plan and figured she would still call upon arriving at the dorm. But there were long waits for the various trains that took way longer to ride than she ever imagined would be the short cut she was thinking. Then she also had to transfer subways once in Manhattan with all that stuff and up stairways at night. Finally, like two hours after landing in NYC, she calls when emerging above ground and finding all those calls from me on the phone (and likely everyone back at the dorm) and says she is standing outside her dorm by the subway and she had no idea what she had been in for and what it had involved and how particularly slow the whole thing was that night. I told her she aged me about ten years!!! And that I was going by our prearranged cab fare and didn’t she realize we’d be sweating bullets and on the verge of a heart attack waiting all that while since we thought she was in a cab and never arrived??? She just never thought her choice was going to take so long and she did learn a lesson and I also required her to return the cab fare we gave her. It may seem minor to them but these situations when you have something lined up like a call (like you had) and they DON’T make it, it can age ya reallllllly fast.</p>

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<p>First… a suggestion: please suggest that if your daughter EVER wants to do anything like this again, she should buy TWO tickets – she would have had no problem finding a person to go with her if she had offered a ticket. If it is a financial problem for her to do so, tell her you will pay for the 2nd ticket. This is just common sense – I know my d.(who is in NY) goes to all sorts of shows, but she always buys 2 tickets & has someone to go with her; she as also often been invited as a guest of someone else. (Last year she even invited me, when she was ready for me to come out and visit her on campus).</p>

<p>Secondly: I understand your concern - but I think you are overdoing it. Your checking of bus schedules was probably appreciated - but your daughter texted or called you every step of the way: when she left Allentown, when she got to Philly, when she was on the bus coming back. Then – from your timeline – about 35 minutes went by between the time you expected her bus to be back in Allentown and you connect with her by cell phone. That’s not really a very long time, especially considering that the technology we rely on isn’t perfect. (cell phone batteries die, etc.) </p>

<p>When a kid is away at college you can’t monitor every step. Yes, we’d all like to, but part of letting go is getting over that – it is reasonable to expect the kid to call when she has arrived safely back, but it isn’t reasonable for you to be clock watching and freaking out when you can’t reach her by IM or the phone rolls over to voice mail and there is a 5 minute delay before you actually talk to her. </p>

<p>If I was your daughter, knowing how upset you got in these circumstances… I would avoid informing you of similar plans in the future. I’d think, “Mom will freak, I don’t want her to worry, so I just won’t mention this.” </p>

<p>So please: you have a lovely, considerate daughter who is growing up and spreading her wings. It’s time to loosen up a little.</p>

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<p>I only live 20 minutes (if I speed) away from my home and my parents let me do whatever I want… No offense but if my parents were that anal about what I did, I’d go much further away for college. Not saying you’re wrong, and circumstances are different (namely, I’m a guy) but there has to be a happy medium between this and complete and utter disregard for safety…</p>

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<p>Whew! Enjoy that sweet feeling of relief (and ignore the frustration).</p>

<p>I have a long list of thought I run through…

  1. the cell phone died
  2. he’s in a situation (or a condition) when a call or text from mom wouldn’t be welcomed.
  3. he’s procrastinating calling me back – or waiting for a better time (see # 2)
  4. he’s responding to calls/texts from people temporarily much more important than I am.
  5. HE knows he’s safe. so what’s the rush?
  6. He fell asleep
  7. He just remembered a 30 page research paper due in 5 hrs
  8. The background noise is so loud he can’t hear the phone
  9. He’s in the subway
    and some that turned out to be true that I hadn’t considered…
    He ran into a fence post with phone in pocket, breaking the screen so he couldn’t tell who had called…
    He discovered the play he proposed to direct was accepted and had auditioned and cast the entire thing in less than one week.
    He was rehearsing 4 shows SIMULTANEOUSLY while choreographing another
    He lost his charger, was sharing one with someone else…
    Only once had he not called because he was too sick to talk!</p>
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<p>Teriwtt, I work in Philly and live in the burbs. I have a D who’s now a freshman in college, but who LOVES concerts and has gone to many throughout HS at the Tweeter Center in Camden, at the Electric Factory and in the South Philly venues. She’s experienced with the subway, trains and roadways, but she doesn’t go alone. Calmom gives excellent advice. Your D should do whatever she can to take a friend with her.</p>

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<p>Agree with Calmom: loosen the reins. It will make a less stressful time for you and your child. </p>

<p>When talk to our college sophomore D once or twice a week, but it is on her terms and schedule. She is in an iffy neighborhood in a big city. I have to trust her to make smart decisions.</p>

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<p>Next time tell her to send me a message and maybe I’ll go with - haha. I love concerts and I’ve been to them in Philly more times then I can count. I also work in Allentown so that works out perfect!</p>

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<p>I am 50 and my parents still ask me to call when we arrive at a travel destination. My kids also call when traveling, especially when they are alone and they don’t mind. It just shows that someone care about them. </p>

<p>My daughter and her best girlfriend always call each other when they fly and arrive at their final destination. It was so cute to see my daughter worry when her friend had not called at the expected time. She knew her friend had boarded the plane on time(friend called from the plane) so she was worried when the final call didn’t come. Turns out the friend ended up on the runway for an extended time and my daughter didn’t know that. If she had been at home with computer access, she would have checked the flight online.</p>

<p>If the child is ok with the step by step calls, I wouldn’t worry about it. The only problem with that is when the children forget to call when they are suppose to, then we moms panic!</p>

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<p>My kids know that I worry and tend to tell me after the fact when they go somewhere. I remember once when my daughter was in college I couldn’t get a hold of her for a day. Not a big deal, but usually if I asked her to call me back she would. Turns out she and some friends drove something like 6-8 hours to go to a concert in a different state! </p>

<p>Next week she and her roommate are planning to take a 12 hour bus ride to Vietnam. </p>

<p>Better loosen up terrwitt, this parenting stuff is a bumpy ride! ;)</p>

<p>BTW, I’m in the Allentown area, let me know if you need local Mom help! </p>

<p>Ge</p>

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<p>I’m 44 and I’m still not telling my mom (or kids–ever) about the stuff <em>I</em> did.
My kids will never do things that stupid/dangerous.</p>

<p>Yet I worry if my lovely 16yo D doesn’t call me when she arrives at work. . .If your young D is traveling alone, it’s normal to worry. The media is always reporting horror stories, and that feeds moms’ anxiety. I have to keep reminding myself that, most of the time, bad things don’t happen.</p>

<p>S didn’t have a cell phone freshman year. But he did have a phone card.
He flew alone to college and promised to call us when he arrived. After several days of not hearing from him and alternately imagining that: a) Everything was fine/no news is good news. b) His body was stuffed in a storage closet at LAX. c) He went to the beach instead of college d) He’d hitchiked away from our local airport because he didn’t want to go to college. e) He was deliberately not calling to annoy us, etc. I called his dorm phone a couple times and no one seemed to know who/where he was. I finally emailed an administrator at the (very small) college and she was able to confirm that, yes, S had been seen on campus. A couple days later he emailed us. His excuse? Didn’t have his computer hooked up yet. Couldn’t find the phone card. Didn’t want to ask to use someone’s phone for a non-emergency. If it were D, I would’ve freaked out more. With S, I pretty much could guess he’d have some lame–but reasonable to him-- excuse for not calling. Now he has a cell phone and he’ll call, or I’ll call about once a week.
Sometimes he answers. Sometimes he doesn’t call back for days and that doesn’t bother me–I just assume he’s busy.</p>

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<p>I know how this feels. I went through a similar scare last week, although it was with my own mother. She was to going to drive 3-4 hours from home with a relative to visit my brother. She was to call the relative at 9am, just before she left to go to her house. At 10:20am this relative calls me in a panic that my mother did not call, and did not show up. Her answering machine was set, so I know that she left her house. I thought that perhaps she was in a car accident, fell and broke her hip, or had a heart attack. She showed up at the relative’s house about 10 minutes later. All was well. She just “forgot” to call her before she left the house! My mother insists on keeping her cell phone shut off unless she makes an outgoing call. I told her that I was a few minutes away from contacting police and every ER in the area!</p>

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<p>I’m not sure what drew me into reading this thread this morning when I should be getting out the door to work–but I did and now can’t help replying just to reflect on how technology has made us vulnerable to such fears–and yet can also allay them. I’m thinking about my grandmother not knowing for months where or how my mother and uncle were during WWII. Of those parents of pioneers who wondered if they ever got to the Mississippi. At least our kids don’t have to write a letter to let us know what is up.
The media lets us know about the kid who is assaulted but not the thousand who got to and from the concert safely, even under the influence. My imagination is my worst enemy at times…So one of my mantras has become no news is good news. Means my curiosity is frustrated but it helps my blood pressure…</p>

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<p>teriwitt
congratulations,you’ve survived the first “outing”.Next time,it will be easier on you.
Advice given about buying the two tickets is good advice.
And while my D has been out of the house and independent for 6 years, along with having a live-in boyfriend of 2+ years, I still ask her to check in with me while travelling by air,whether our home base is the final destination or not.Just a quirk of mine,both kids know enough to comply.</p>

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<p>Time to let go. If your college-aged kid cannot figure out how to take a bus trip, it is past time for her to be more adventurous and independent.</p>

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<p>I agree with Calmom and some others. She’s in college now; you need to take a step back. When I read every call she had to make to you, I forgot the first part of your post and thought she was a freshman in high school. How is she going to live her life if the simple matter of going to a concert near her school is monitored every tiny step of the way?</p>

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<p>Sometimes it makes me think cell phones are a bad idea. I spent my high school and college years doing things much, much scarier than going to concerts alone. I had a few adventures my parents did not hear about until many years later.</p>

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<p>I think about how I traveled around Europe with a backpack and a friend for ten weeks summer after college, and never called home a single time. We had no itinerary, so no one had a clue where we were at any give moment, and only knew the flight time of the day we left, and our scheduled date of return.</p>

<p>If one of my kids wanted to do that now, I think I would have a heart attack. :)</p>

<p>That said, I do think that letting a college kid go to a concert without checking in at every juncture is pretty reasonable.</p>