<p>AM–my D traveled for a month around the US on Amtrak with a couple friends, summer after soph year. She did not have a cell phone then. Covered something like 29 states, and the only time I heard from her was when she fell while playing in some fountain in Seattle, and called me from the ER where she was getting stitches, because she needed insurance info.</p>
<p>I agree with others; it’s worrisome, but time to let go.</p>
<p>maybe I should have added some details; visirale: daughter is almost 800 miles from home, an issue I have absolutely no problem dealing with. Since she’s been at school, we talk about once a week, sometimes more if some sort of business needs to be conducted. What were my issues are that she hasn’t been in Allentown long enough to know the areas (but we’ve been in Allentown enough times to know there are areas it just isn’t safe for a girl to be walking alone in the dark). Maybe the bus station was in one of those areas… neither one of us knew. Same with Philadelphia - the only experience we had in Philadelphia was last June, when we were on our way back to the airport from her college advising session. Our flight was canceled, and we ended up at a hotel where the I use the word hotel in the loosest sense of the definition… under-aged drinkers hauling in cases of liquor, strong smell of pot coming from rooms, etc. So even an adult can find themselves in a precarious situation when not familiar with an area. But I had no idea what this area was like that she was going to be in… could have been the nicest part of town, could have been the shadyest. </p>
<p>As far as letting go… she traveled to Europe last spring, by herself, to visit her sister and I had no problem with that. She also has taken the train into Chicago by herself many times (we’re in the burbs) to meet up with friends who live down there, and I’ve not had a problem with that because she knows the area. But it’s just not a wise idea for a young lady to travel alone in unfamiliar areas and not check in with someone from time to time. Actually, when I asked her to do this (did not tell her she had to), she agreed, and I think appreciated knowing she had a sort of safety net.</p>
<p>Although it’s an excellent idea for her to have bought two tickets, this was a learning lesson for her, and I doubt she’ll purchase a ticket like this again, with so many unknowns. I knew there was a strong possibility she wouldn’t find anyone to go with her after she got to college (it’s a small school), but figured wanted her to learn her lesson about not checking into things thoroughly before doling out that kind of money. I’m SURE she would have preferred to have someone go with her to enjoy the concert, and will in the future. It’s just not as much fun when no one you know is with you. </p>
<p>Let me add to this a couple of stories in mind that added to my worries. Some of you might be familiar with the woman who was killed a year ago in the Buffalo area by the bicycle path rapist (20/20 did a story on it several weeks ago) - she was out jogging alone. My husband had just been hosted by her husband several weeks earlier to speak at his university - they know each other professionally. And all the news in the Chicago area now is about a missing young woman who disappeared last week and whose car was found an hour away. So these things happen to adult women who are engaged in activities in areas that they’re familiar with. So it certainly raises hairs on my neck when I know my daughter is walking the streets of towns at night that she’s not familiar with. I actually don’t monitor every step, </p>
<p>jasmom - your #6 totally resonated with me. Knowing how easily she falls asleep in anything moving, I had also imagined she fell asleep on the bus and missed her stop… something more likely to happen to her, than any of the scary scenarios I had thought of.</p>
<p>mmaah: I just have a hard time accepting no news is good news with any woman traveling alone, who agreed to check in at certain points. Really, had she been with someone else, I would not have asked her to check in with me. When I knew she was on the bus, I was fine; it is probably the times that she was in transit between bus stations and other unfamiliar destinations that I worried, AND the fact that she agreed to call at certain points and didn’t. Both of my kids also have almost always called us back right away when they don’t answer their cell phones (as long as they’re not in class, or in some place where making a phone call is inappropriate, i.e. meeting, rehearsal, etc.). Most times, while I’m leaving them a message, my phone beeps, and it’s them on the other line - they just couldn’t get to their phone fast enough before it went to voice mail. They’ve always been pretty considerate about returning our calls, I think because we don’t demand a lot of day-to-day updates. Sometimes we go many days without talking to them, then in one day we’ll talk to them three times (trying to make travel arrangements, giving updates on auditions/interviews, etc.), but they always return phone calls, so not to do so, raises red flags. At 11:30PM, I knew she wasn’t in class, wasn’t in rehearsal, and wasn’t in a meeting. I have a friend who calls her kids way too much, and gets upset when they ignore her phone calls - they’ve been at my house when she’s called, looked at caller ID, and said “Oh, it’s just my mom… grrrrrr. I don’t need to talk to her.”</p>
<p>By the way, once she did get back to her room, we IMed for about 10 minutes, and she told me the concert was ‘hardcore’. I did not say anything about the lack of phone call when she arrived back on campus.</p>
<p>And I agree with those of you who report that as grown adults, you still call in and check with your parents when you’ve arrived safely somewhere after visiting them. If my parents were still alive today (and we lived over 1000 miles from them) they would ask, out of consideration, that we call them when we get home.</p>
<p>I alluded to a trip she’s planning over her fall break - the reason I’m not as obsessed with that trip is that I know where she’s going, she will be meeting a friend on the other end and won’t be alone. But it is much, much farther away, and requires an overnight bus ride.</p>
<p>I do empathize with OP simply because it was a female alone in a big city downtown at night. I wouldn’t worry if it was Times Square (thousands of people) or Columbia U in NYC (well lit, well patrolled, many strolling people in the area). But downtown Allentown or Philly could be very scary depending on the neighborhood, simply because it can be desolate for many blocks in a row. </p>
<p>By contrast: Last June, following college graduation, my D went on a 7-city circus tour with 10 college friends (D stilts). They were on a retrofitted bus that had a hot tub in it, heated from the engine’s leftover energy. Shag carpet covered the floor, walls and seats which doubled as beds. Although she carried a cell, I heard from her but twice: once a few days into the tour to tell me it was fine, whereupon we agreed not to phone each other except for life-and-death emergency. Next I heard at month’s end to arrange pick-up at our local airport. It was a great memory for her, tremendous adventure. </p>
<p>The reason I didn’t worry is because she had plenty of human company, unlike the OP’s daughter.</p>
<p>oops, Crossposted with OP above. We’re in Buffalo, and that bicycle path is in an extremely upscale suburb (Clarence, NY). They think they found the criminal, and he did similar crimes closer to downtown for several years. </p>
<p>As cavalier as I am about my tiny D (5’0", 90 pounds, looks 14) going on wacky circus bus-tours, I don’t like her to travel alone and strongly encourage her to find a friend, male or female, for any adventure. It’s basic street safety, and it applies to suburbs as well as cities. The sad thing is, it’s thrilling to have an adventure alone and I feel sorry for those who can’t experience that joy, too. I used to backpack solo in my 20’s on the Appalachian Trail for weeks at a time, but wouldn’t suggest this today.</p>
<p>In my junior year of college, my roommate (later my SIL) and I road-tripped from Georgia to Pennsylvania. I was stopping in Philly to see my boyfriend (now DH); SIL was going to northern PA to find a pharmacy internship on the spur of the moment, since there were none available in our college town. She had family up there she could stay with.</p>
<p>We stopped off to let her parents we were going – SIL had not told them of her plans, figuring they would object; she was right, but her car was packed, I was with her, and we were hitting the road (at midnight on a Friday night). </p>
<p>I told noone where I was going – no parents, no other friends. Was gone for ten days, and the only person who noticed my absence was my ex-boyfriend, who thougt it unusual that neither my SIL nor I was around.</p>
<p>Told my parents about this many years later. ;)</p>
<p>Later that summer, I went to Europe to visit a friend for three weeks; my return flight was cancelled, I wound up in a hotel in Frankfurt overnight, missed my stateside connections and wound up bagging my LGA-ATL ticket for a bus into NYC, a shuttle to the train station, and NJT to Philadelphia. The transit cops in NYC stopped me on the shuttle to tell me to put my (fake) gold necklace inside my shirt, as I was obviously a Tourist with Baggage and an easy mark. I had $32 in cash, no credit cards and needless to say, no cell phone. (This was 1982.)</p>
<p>BF was frantic, as I was a day and a half late and the charter flight had not sent him my updated travel plans as they promised. I called him when I got to 30th Street Station, his roommates were FINALLY off the phone, and he said, “WHERE ARE YOU!!!” Me: “Oh, 30th Street” – which was NOT the answer he was expecting. He hopped in a cab and came to get me. </p>
<p>Long story – I was supposed to fly into Atlanta, then back to Philly for a conference. Since I wasn’t making my plane, I just circumvented the southern leg. </p>
<p>A year later I packed everything I owned, rented a U-Haul, and drove from GA to Philly. DH and I were engaged by then.</p>
<p>I was NOT a wild child at all – but I relished the independence and knowing I could manage by myself in new situations was really important. I think it was my teenage rebellion, though I was in my early 20s by then. I knew I wanted to live in the northeast eventually and be in/near a large city, so it was important to be able to navigate that before fully committing to that life.</p>
<p>DS1 is taking a plane Sunday AM to visit UChicago. Solo. He’ll call when he lands, when he gets to campus, and when he’s at Midway coming home. He’s good about that. But I won’t hear a word from him while he’s there. He’s been doing public transit in our metro area for 1 1/2 years now, and we have been hauling the kids on trips since they were infants. Boy, did it pay off! </p>
<p>However, I will confess to a minor freak-out last Friday night when DS never called on his way home from his mentor’s office – pouring rain, unreachable by cell, lengthy walk to bus, etc. He just showed up in the front yard soaking wet and grinning. “My cell battery died halfway through the day.”</p>
<p>As the United commercial says, “it’s time to fly.”</p>
<p>My daughter was in Taipei this summer. Fortunately, she had a wonderufl “host mom” - a friend of my good friend who is originally from Taiwan. My daughter did a lot of touring on her own in the city, which is generally considered safe, but I was still a little worried about her being out and about on her own so much. I guess she is getting a little wiser in her old age (soon to be 20 
) because when she came home, she told us that the first thing she did when she got to Taipei was to ask her “host mom” if there were any areas of the city which are dangerous and that she should avoid. I was very happy to hear from her that she had the good sense to ask this.</p>
<p>what I noticed is that most of the time when there was little to no contact, the person travelling was not alone</p>
<p>travelling at night alone is much different than travelling alone during the day</p>
<p>I sent my D to NYC and she walked around alone alot, but after 9pm, she was in crowded areas and in cabs</p>
<p>When ever my Ds go to a concert or want to go, its ALWAYS at least 2 tickets, they always have found someone to go with</p>
<p>AND, they should always make sure their phone has charge, for it to die because of not charging is just careless, and you wonder if they can’t remember to charge their phone, well…</p>
<p>Right, CGM. If they forget to charge their phone, they might also forget to put that plastic cover over it, too! ;)</p>
<p>Now I’m curious: Is this only a concern (nighttime travel alone in strange places) for parents of girls?</p>
<p>Teriwtt…I’m still with ya on this one. I believe you have let go and I have as well. I do not know my kids’ every move now that they are in college (I did when in high school, however) and I do not have them call when they get from point A to point B in their college area/city/surroundings. However, when they do travel much further afield, particularly alone, they most certainly call when they arrive or at other agreed upon junctures. Neither complains about it and it is expected. I would say I surely let go to allow my then 18 year old to drive 6000 miles to Alaska. But I had her itinerary and where she was staying each night and she called as they arrived at each stop along the way to say they arrived. Her cell did not work in the Yukon but she called us when she reached each night’s stop. Same D has traveled extensively throughout Europe ALONE. I’m not just talking of flights and trains. She has stayed in European locations by herself, such as hotels. This summer, she even camped a few nights in Switzerland, alone. She arranged all of her own flights, trains and hotels, and various other arrangements but she emailed us every arrangement and called as she arrived at each destination. We had numbers of where she was staying or if she was visiting someone in another country, she provided us with their cell numbers. She always called to confirm her arrivals and if a glitch came up, she called to let us know so we would not be concerned when the original time of call was not forthcoming.</p>
<p>My D’s are very independent. But I think when they travel alone, it makes me more at ease to get those calls. Also, if someone is not aware that they are not safely where they should be (when it is not their home turf near/at school), who would know that they may be in trouble? Nobody else is keeping track. When my other D (age 18) was stranded alone in Dallas or in Jacksonville this year, we most certainly did have her call as she arrived at a hotel alone to let us know she got there. If she didn’t, nobody would know if she was missing or anything. For my peace of mind, this little call to say “I got here” is worth it and doesn’t put a damper on their independence. I’ve let my 16 year old go to college in Manhattan after growing up in a town that had about the same number of people in her entire dorm. She grew up with no public transportation, never walked anywhere, had no traffic lights, etc. I surely let go. She comes and goes by herself in that city, using subways and so forth, to all hours of the night, alone. I can relate to Jasmom’s post also as my D has an insane schedule that goes from sun up to midnight that has her out of her dorm that entire time. We do not call our kids, rarely. They call us when it is convenient for them. That particular child usually calls when walking to the next thing she has to be at, and the calls tend to end with “I gotta get on the subway” or “I am going into an elevator, bye.” Their calls are to share news of what they are doing but not to check in on their whereabouts or comings and goings. </p>
<p>But if they travel alone outside their region, they most certainly HAVE to call us when they arrive. If D1 is traveling with her team out of state, she doesn’t have to call. If she drives out of state by herself, she does call when she arrives. She doesn’t call for smaller trips like in the same state, etc, though had to while still in high school. They have much freer rein in college in that regard and are very much on their own. But if a call when taking a plane, train, car trip that is far alone reduces my anxiety, they are very willing to comply. I do believe we have let go with our kids. Each family has to do what is most comfortable for them.</p>
<p>another piece of information you might find interesting… I am reminded of an exercise in D’s AP Psych class last spring. They were learning about different parenting styles, and while this may oversimplify the lesson, they were asked to categorize their parents into one of three parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative or permissive. When my D told me about this, I asked her where she place me, and she said authoritative… which is exactly where I would want to be… right down the middle of the road. So I think I done good :)</p>
<p>This past winter…D2 (the one who is 18 and a junior in college) had NO cell, NO computer and less related, NO luggage all at once. Her cell had broken and she went to get it fixed and they said it could not be fixed and they had to order her a new one and while it was supposed to be rushed, it never arrived, so she had no cell for at least a week (which is my lifeline to her). At that very same time, she spilled coffee on her laptop and it would not work. Long story but it was shipped to us here in VT to be fixed, and rushed shipped back to NYC. So, she had no IM or email. At the same time, she had none of her usual stuff because she had just flown back from CA over March break and had been stranded two days in Dallas alone without luggage and then the luggage never arrived in NYC. After many days, she eventually got it. So, contact with her was very nil and I always have the number of a roommate if I need it.</p>
<p>My H is 50, and when he travels, even with a bunch of guys, he lets me know that that his flight was on time, and that he has landed, and then calls from hotel to give me room # etc</p>
<p>when my D was in NYC, she texted me all the time- here, going there, back at hostel, etc</p>
<p>it took nothing away from her independence what so ever</p>
<p>I don’t get the idea that some how letting mom know you are okay takes away the persons freedom</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>When we had an actual, genuine need to reach D quickly on campus (death of a grandparent, sudden need to travel home) in sophomore year, we found her within MINUTES by phoning her best friend (not her roommate). D’s cell was off for the afternoon because of classes. </p>
<p>Quick consultation among best friend and some others standing nearby and everybody had seen her here, there, etc., within the past 10 minutes across the campus. (Small LAC).</p>
<p>They were like a mini-KGB. I loved them for this. One ran off to find her, and our phone rang within 8 minutes flat.</p>
<p>"Although it’s an excellent idea for her to have bought two tickets, this was a learning lesson for her, and I doubt she’ll purchase a ticket like this again, with so many unknowns. "</p>
<p>Well, if she does, she probably won’t tell you about it. If she had had another person with her, would you have still wanted her to contact you at each step of the trip? I guess I’m with those who think you need to let go more. After all, what are you actually going to do if she doesn’t call on time from Philly? Call the police?</p>
<p>^^I think if the D herself felt scared during this trip, she won’t repurchase tickets without sure company next time. But it won’t be because the mom was scared.</p>
<p>If this were me and my D, I’d wait a few months til we’re together again in person, and ask without excitement, “So, what do you think about that experience in Philly?” to get a reading on what SHE thinks happened. Just listen, don’t react, but then you’ll know whether her judgment is maturing or not. </p>
<p>When our S hit high school and resented having to make the perfunctory, “I’m here” call, I pointed out to him that, like CGM’s H, this is actually mature, adult behavior to keep others in the household aware of your whereabouts. If the couple actually does this, and the kids know it, just try to routinize it this way and say this is what adults do when they live in the same house. Problem is…college is NOT the same house.</p>
<p>p3t,
I think street smarts are essential for young men and women. DS1 is not an imposing presence physically, and will probably end up in/near a major city for college. DS2, on the other hand, is used as the “bad guy” in his martial arts classes, because he’s 6’3" and a defesive lineman (and boy, does he get beat up in class!!). He plans to spend a year overseas during college. My feeling is knowing how to use the subways, trains, maps (perish the Luddite thought!) and being aware of one’s surroundings is useful in any situation.</p>
<p>DS2 (age 15) went downtown to a concert this summer – along with three other friends. Each set of parents said “fine” to the concert, but “no” to traveling alone, since the concert didn’t end until 10:30 and it was an hour’s train ride back. The kids all met at the local metro station and went together. No parents. No problem.</p>
<p>When DH and I lived in West Philly, DH and I were accosted by three young men. We had just parked the car and were walking around the corner to our apartment after going to see Les Mis for our fifth anniversary. I had my purse inside my coat and my keys in my hand. The would-be robbers cornered DH against a wall when I blew the whistle on my keychain and yelled (in this big deep voice that came from somewhere primal, I suspect), “MOVE IT!” They did.</p>
<p>I thinkn more attention may be focused on young women’s safety late at night, but I believe it’s essential for the guys, too. Failing that, the guys should travel with young women who know how to take care of themselves! :)</p>
<p>teriwtt - I’m with you 100%. </p>
<p>In fact, we’ve been through this. ldgirl just flew back to school after a unusually timed trip home for followup on a corneal infection. I dropped her at the airport and on my drive home, spoke to her as she was boarding the plane. We had very bad weather here and she called to let me know the flight was leaving as scheduled. And the last thing she chirpily said to me was “love you - I’ll call you when I land”. </p>
<p>I run errands, pick up the other (who refuses to be called ldboy) from school, check continental.com and see that her flight has landed at RDU on schedule. No phone call. Okay…so maybe she’ll call from her dorm. Several hours pass, no phone call. My husband texts her…she ALWAYS responds to text messages. No response. Okay…so maybe she’s tired and fell asleep. A few hours later, still no call, text messages unanswered. Called her boyfriend who attends school here in Texas…he tells me he’s been texting her for over 6 hours with no response. He’s worried, but was trying not to overreact. Now getting a little panicky. More phone calls, more texts with earnest language like ‘please call home…we are worried’. </p>
<p>Nothing. All we know is she landed at RDU. We don’t know if she got into a cab with an ax murderer or if she has been in accident. </p>
<p>So, I finally break down and call the dorm and ask the office personnel their advice. THEY are even alarmed. They break all privacy rules and run upstairs to look for her. Before they do this, they tell me if she is not in the room, they will have to call the police. Gutcheck moment.</p>
<p>The rat is there…and she is not happy. She came in, turned everything off to study and forgot completely about calling home. I had to hear the whole…“MOM…don’t ever call the RAs!!! I’m sooooo embarrassed!” </p>
<p>But I don’t care…and I’ll do it again if I have to.</p>
<p>CountingDown, really interesting stories! Brave of you.</p>
<p>It also caused me to remember a story worth sharing, re: attitudes about young men and women, yelling each other out of trouble. My D and a boyfriend were walking and got roughed up (in a minor way) by a group. Somehow it was she, not he, who found the voice and yelled them away.</p>
<p>But then he felt very ashamed, feeling he should have protected her. So they didn’t report it to police. It would be great to raise boys who can accept being rescued by girls, that it’s not a mark of shame if they can’t protect at a given moment. It should have been reported. I learned of it months later.</p>
<p>The good news is that she is having so much fun at school that she wasn’t sitting in her room to answer your ims. It’s really had to find the balance between letting them take reasonable risks and making dumbs mistakes that have life altering consequences. Hopefully she will be more sensitive next time.</p>
<p>IM SOOOOO EMBARRASSED!!</p>
<p>gotta love it…imagine if WE didn’t return calls in a timely fashion, or checked in</p>
<p>when I am going to get my D, sometimes my phone goes into dead zones- no service- for a few minutes- and I get this “Mom, answer your phone, where are you? I have been waiting here for 5 minutes!!! What is wrong with your phone!!! Arggh!!”</p>
<p>Once my phone did die, and both girls were irked with me, they wanted to make plans, etc, but couldn’t get in contact, so they learned how frustrating it is when you can’t reach someone when you need to, or when they don’t call when you need them to</p>
<p>ldmom…I also relate to your story! The thing is, my kids ARE good about calling when they travel and arrive and because we do have that understanding, it is even more nerve wracking when that call never comes (your story is a little like my D’s flight story and never heard that she arrived back to dorm). So, if they do forget and this has happened once in a while, it does cause more concern due to the arrangements we made to call. So, I feel your “pain.”</p>