<p>I’ve tried to explain to my 2 D’s that some mom’s (this one included) have an innate ability to conjure up a MASSIVE list of the most off-the-wall, awful scenarios in our minds in approximately 2 seconds when we don’t hear from our dear ones. That said, D did a 7-hr (each way) weekend trip involving bus/ metro/Amtrak/cab to and from DC to Pittsburgh a couple of weekends ago for old hs boyfriend’s 18th bday. I was amazed at the amount of planning (and the attention to safety) she went through—but I must admit that I im’ed her friend to make sure she got there safe and sound and D txt’ed me when she got back to the dorm when the trip was over. Just more things to make our hair gray.</p>
<p>Amen apmom - the things that were running through my mind.</p>
<p>I think it’s the traveling alone thing that causes me the most concern. When she is on campus, I’m just never worried…and she is NOT one to call home frequently. (We do IM quite a bit though.) I think it’s as sooz describes…once they’ve made a specific arrangement or commitment to touch base, it becomes more alarming when they don’t do it.</p>
<p>This past summer my S (who had only flown once in his life) caught a flight (alone…a friend dropped him at airport))from his college town, changed planes in NYC flew all night long, landed in Istanbul and then caught a smaller plane to a coastal city where he boarded a ship. He was to return to the U.S. in a month. I was pretty nervous for him. </p>
<p>After he took off I realized I had no idea what flights he was on going or returning. We never even thought to ask. I guess you can tell we don’t fly anywhere,lol. </p>
<p>I knew he wouldn’t have his cell phone and wouldn’t have thought to get a calling card (or really thought it necessary, no time to use it with his schedule). I pinned my hopes to email from the ship. TWELVE days after he left I got an email saying he was alive and well and the trip was going fine. SIXTEEN days after that, he called to say he was back in the USA and was really perturbed because his flight in DC was delayed. The only way I had any knowledge of where he was and that he was alive and breathing all that time was by following the string of ATM withdrawls from his bank account online. </p>
<p>He did say he started a second email to me but there was a fire drill on the ship and he had to leave it and never got back to a computer!</p>
<p>I have to go with the no news is good news mantra too. Theat’s the best I’ll get from S1. S2(a senior) is a little better with communications but he hasn’t gone to college yet!</p>
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<p>This is our mantra to the kids as well. They see that we call to check in with extended family after a long car or plane trip, so they think of it as normal considerate adult behavior as well. Anyway, in this case teriwtt knew in advance about these plans. Her D theoretically didn’t have to tell her about the plans but she did. Once she did, that opens up the door for her mom to express her opinion that the plans were not well thought out and incorporated some inadvisable risks. To ask for the consideration of those phone calls for her mother’s peace of mind, once she put her mom in that position, is really not too much to ask. </p>
<p>S in college does not tell us if he is travelling locally at this point- but he does know it is smart to travel in groups after dark and not alone. He also knows that we want to know about out of town trips, when he arrives etc. I don’t think independence is really the issue here at all. Like some of the others here, my kids have travelled and I have always encouraged their independence in age appropriate ways from the time they were small. As an ex-street smart city kid, though, I also know that in certain situations travelling with others as well as giving someone an idea of your whereabouts, no matter how old you are, is a very good idea.</p>
<p>I agree that easing a mother’s peace of mind when traveling is not too much to ask and my kids know this. It is a given. They have to deal. They have not complained about it. I also think even adults do this…my husband and I do it amongst ourselves and it is just how we operate. He calls me every day when he is leaving work even to let me know (it is 50 miles away). One night it took a very long time to get home and in fact, I was getting very nervous that he had had an accident. Well, it turns out he stopped to visit a friend in a town that was on his way home because he thought I was going to be out (I did go out shopping) and wasn’t going to be home when he was to have originally arrived and so wouldn’t mind if he had made that stop. But what happened was I got home way before he realized and he was still not here and I was worried. He did apologize for making me so concerned that evening. And that is a 52 year old male. So, when my teenage daughters are traveling way further away, even in other countries, and sometimes to cities, etc. all alone and staying some place all alone (such as a hotel), I surely expect them to ease my peace of mind by informing me of safe arrivals, even though I do not do that with their comings and goings within their college/regional surroundings.</p>
<p>However, I applaud PackMom and her story of her son. I would not have survived that scenario without a confirmation call home. I have survived my kids’ travels independently around the globe but could never survive the “no call” thing she did. So, as I wrote earlier, different comfort levels for different people.</p>
<p>hunt - you know nothing about me or my daughters, and what they tell me or don’t. Do I think they tell me everything? No way. But they’ve told me lots of stuff that I refrained from overreacting so that they wouldn’t be afraid to tell me things in the future. I don’t need to justify my parenting to you with examples, but let’s just say Ds are not perfect and this D in particular is a little less concerned about personal safety than D1. D1 has been known to lecture me about MY safety. Had she been traveling with a friend, I would have been much more at ease. Had she missed her bus and had to spend the night in a bus station, I’d have no problem with that as long as she was with a friend.</p>
<p>I thought my story made it clear that my biggest fear was of her going alone into unfamiliar territories that may or may not have been dangerous. I kind of joked about the mosh pit because I was making fun of myself for allowing my imagination to run wild.</p>
<p>Had she not called ‘on time’ (and it wasn’t necessarily a designated time, as it was a place), well, I guess I would have just waited a few weeks and called out the FBI. This is not about my authority over her, because, frankly, I have none over her day-to-day activities while she’s 700 miles away. I feel for the kids whose parent don’t worry when they are in, what could be a precarious situation… it’s an unknown, and young women traveling alone are at more of a risk of their being a victim of crime than young men. Just because parents worry doesn’t mean that you can’t let go, which I have.</p>
<p>And to answer your question seriously about what I would have done… I don’t know because it would all depend on at which point I didn’t hear from her and for how long, and where she was supposed to be. The truth is, the bus station was a mile and a half from campus (I’m assuming downtown Allentown, which part of can be kind of icky at night) - had her bus arrived on time, it shouldn’t have taken her more than 10 minutes to get from the station to her dorm by cab, max. There is absolutely nothing open around her campus that time of night, so she had no where to go but back to her room.</p>
<p>try this - I am leaving tomorrow morning for my first trip alone to a place I’ve never been before. When I mean alone, I mean I know no one where I’m going, and will be in a place by myself. I’ll be gone a week, but in the same location. If you guys don’t hear from me again, give it a few months, then call out the hounds!</p>
<p>Sometimes it’s not possible to find another person (friend, etc.) who is interested in attending the same concert. I believe that it’s teriwtt’s perogative (without having to defend the situation) to be concerned about the D travelling alone to Philly for a concert at night. Having lived here my entire life (50+ years), I’m very familiar with the entire city and it’s environs, so she was right on the mark on this one!</p>
<p>Teriwtt - I hope you have a wonderful time, wherever it may be that you’re going. Enjoy the fresh air or the nightlife or the hustle and bustle. And please do check in with us when you return - we’ll keep a light on for you!</p>
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teriwtt … this is certainly true; hunt does not know you, your daughter, or your relationship with your daughter beyond your posting on CC. By the way … all the folks who agreed with your actions or pretty much agree also do not know you, your daughter, or your relationship with your daughter beyond your posting on CC … why didn’t you call them out for commenting on your actions when they had so little knowledge of the situation? </p>
<p>Post on-line and you’ll almost always get replies both in support and raising issues with your actions. Topics like this come up all the time on CC … and we get the same dynamic with folks landing on both sides of the spectrum on if “reporting in” is good/respectful/necessary/a nice to have/controlling. etc. </p>
<p>When I was in college if my Mom wanted as much communication and reacted as you did I would have responded as hunt described by telling her less (she did act this way … we pretty much lived this scenario … and I rebelled). 30 years later my Mom still wants me to let her know whenever I am travelling and to check-in … and all the reasons provided don’t really make sense beyond her wanting to know where I am all the time … provding contacts in dorms, roommates, live-in girlfriends, and my wife as contact points still doesn’t work … her preference would still be that I also provide itineraries and check-ins. And I’m sure lots of folks think this is disrespectful but I refuse to continue the check-in routine. My mom always has a way to find me and to contact me in case of emergency … but frankly, the drama created whenever communications failed when we were in check-in mode moved me to a place where I take care of her stated need (I can find you) while not catering to desired method (check-in all the time).</p>
<p>I gathered from reading teriwtt’s OP, that she wasn’t looking for critiques, but posts of a more supportive nature. Now I see why my D stays away from those stock market messageboards!</p>
<p>Sorry, I meant H.</p>
<p>I also thought teriwtt was commisserating about parental angst. </p>
<p>While not the same situation, I recall freshman year that my 17 year old had gotten concert tickets to see the Allman Brothers in NYC with a close male friend. She had bought both tickets and was treating him as a birthday present if I recall correctly. Very close to the last minute…that week…he backed out due to taking on a part in a show (he is studying acting) that conflicted even though he had committed to the concert. She was left with the unused ticket. She could have gone alone i suppose but besides preferring to not go alone, she also had spent that money, a good chunk, on this gift and it was going to go to waste. She picked this concert as this boy loves this group. (by the way, she has gone alone to a Broadway show that I know of and not sure what else) Other friends just are not into the Allman Brothers enough to buy the ticket or were too busy. So, rather than waste it, her Daddy drove seven hours to NYC to go on the “date” to the Allman Brothers Concert since my husband was a fan of the group in his earlier days. This really isn’t about safety but I am sharing the story cause teriwtt’s story of the concert reminded me of this experience. And now, as a junior, D, who is the musical director of her a capella group, and writes many of their arrangements including for competitions, is arranging a song by…The Allman Brothers…The Whipping Post. So, Dad/daughter moment was shared. And it had nothing to do with “letting go.” He did not travel to NYC to ensure her safety. He would likely laugh if someone suggested that was the reason.</p>
<p>My D’s room mate doesn’t have a cell phone. She’s the apple of her parents eye, their first to leave the nest but they don’t see it as needed or desirable. This does not make them bad parents, they just don’t feel that they have to be THAT connected to their DD and want her to make some of her own decisions. They know that if she talks to them all the time, she may not need to reach out to others. We all cope in our own way, one is not right or wrong.
For me, no news is good news. My girls call every week to ten days to check in and give me the high/low lights, sometimes more if there is a lot going on. We provided them with pretty much everything they could possibly NEED over the next four months and I have faith in their ability to figure things out on their own. I don’t have to be in on every decision and I’m not. I don’t really want to know about every frat party, concert or date they have. If I don’t know that they’re going out of town, I don’t have to worry. If they get into trouble while out of town, they’ll use their cell to call 911 or call us. I don’t think one way is better or worse than the other, but I think that it’s nice to have the option.</p>
<p>sarahsmom…I agree that each family has its own comfort level and there is no right or wrong here. Totally agree. </p>
<p>However, just to clarify, the OP was talking about a trip out of town to a strange city she had never been to, alone, to a concert, and back to her college. Checking in that she arrived safely is not, in my opinion, on the same level as your comment about being in on every decision, frat party, date, etc. I hate to speak for teriwtt but my gut feeling is that if her D was attending a concert on campus or in Allentown nearby, she would not have been checking in or possibly not even having known about it. This was more to do with a travel trip to a city alone at night, a city she had never been to, where there are some dangers, frankly, and she didn’t forbid it but merely asked for peace of mind that someone be aware if she made it there or back. Some parents would not need to know. I would have done as teriwtt did if my 18 year old (her D is a newly minted freshman) traveled a long distance to a city alone for a concert and I’d want to know if she arrived back to school. If nobody knows your whereabouts when you travel, a lot of time will go by until someone knows you are missing. That is different from coming and going where you run into people you know locally or at college. There was nobody in Philly who was going to take notice if this kid had arrived or left. It doesn’t hurt for SOMEONE to know your whereabouts when traveling. And even if some do not agree with that, and they surely do not have to (different strokes and all), there are some of us who get very anxious in such situations and would have some ease by a brief, “I made it” call. Others, obviously, do not get this anxious when not knowing if their kids made a long distance destination in a strange place. I know i do. I also have lived through a child who was severely injured and where my husband and I could not be reached. So, this affects me, though I was anxious about such things before. However, I am proud that I have allowed my kids to be independent and just months after having a child nearly die in a car crash, I let another teenager of mine drive 6000 miles. But the check in calls really really help. But that’s just me.</p>
<p>teriwtt, for what it’s worth, I would have been just as frightened and worried as you were, particularly as your D usually <em>is</em> very prompt/considerate about calling when she says she will. I am sure my heart would have been in my throat, too, and lots of awful scenarios would have been whirling round my head, just as they were yours. I don’t think it’s fair for people to say that you have to “let go.” Let go of what? Your at-the-time-justifiable fears about what could have happened? I think most of us would have felt the same way in your place. Frankly, I think it’s wonderful that your D has the kind of self confidence and independence it takes to go to a concert alone! And in the end, I am just glad it all came out all right.</p>
<p>I’m sure that she was worried too. I just don’t feel like my kids need to tell me if they are going out of town alone and don’t tell them that they have to, but I’m really unusual. I’m the 11th of 12 kids. My parents would have died of worry if we all called them every time we went out of town alone. I guess it was just the way I was raised. I’ve never said to my girls “Now, if you ever go out of town alone or with friends, you need to call and tell me and then report in when you get there.” Maybe I’m weird, I just have faith that they can take care of themselves, even in a strange town, even if they’re alone. I had my first child at 23 and lived 1600 miles from home. I was ok.
I also think that it’s awesome that teri’s D went to the concert alone. Not many her age would have done that.</p>
<p>Sarahsmom, I understand your comfort level in such a situation and respect that. We each have different comfort levels which you did acknowledge. </p>
<p>Those who are saying that teriwtt needs to “let go” (not saying that was you, sarahsmom) seem to be overlooking that she DID 'let" go in the sense that her child has free reign to go where she wants, out of town, alone, strange city, etc. etc. She didn’t control her D’s coming and going. She asked for peace of mind of her safe arrival. She did not disallow it or allow it. It sounds to me that her D is quite independent. I know that one set of grandparents in our family marvel that my D has traveled so much by herself in Europe to many countries, including staying alone in those countries where she didn’t know anyone, and found flights, trains, busses and hotels on her own, etc. The fact that she was secure in her independence allows her to do these things. She lived in an apartment alone in Paris this past summer too where she knew nobody. She was 20. So, the fact that she was required to let us know each time she arrived in each European city or small village in more remote areas, on each trip she took ALONE, hardly means that we didn’t let go. If anything, I think the fact that we HAVE let go, has allowed her to do these things. Of course my own mom was appalled at what our D was “allowed” to do. :D</p>
<p>Yes, sarahsmom42, but the fact is that teriwtt’s D <em>did</em> tell her that she (the daughter) was going out of town alone to a concert, with the result being that mom <em>did</em> worry, which is what many moms do when they perceive that their kids are in possible danger. Of course teriwtt would not have worried had she not known! I could be wrong, but I don’t get the impression that teriwtt said “Now, D, if you ever plan to go out of town alone at night to a distant city on a bus to a big concert, be sure to tell me!” 
No, teriwtt’s D shared that info in the same way that a lot of kids (though not all) are accustomed to sharing info with their parents, especially 18 year olds who have been living at home with their parents all their lives and being required to report to parents when they are going out, with whom they are going, and when they will be back! (I sure have those rules in our house with my own two Ds! Neither one would dream of just walking out the door and saying “bye!” without telling me where they were going, with whom and when they would be back. And I think that’s typical.) sarahsmom42, I wish I had your faith that young people can take care of themselves in most situations. Unfortunately, the news is filled every day with stories of people of all ages who could reasonably have been expected to take care of themselves but were – through no fault of their own, simply as a result of being in the wrong place at the wrong time – victimized. It does happen. I remember my mom saying that a lot of people think that once their kids are older and leave home, the worrying stops. “That’s not true,” she told me, “the worries just get bigger.” I think that’s true. Just glad it all came out OK!!</p>
<p>Soozie, She is really amazing! If my eldest wanted to do this, I think I would be able to handle it and would probably request regular check in’s. D2, not so sure!</p>