<p>SARAHSMOM42…the way I look at it…when D was traveling, let’s say for example, to some village in the Alps to go skiing…and say she never arrived safely…and I never had required her to call me that she had arrived…who would know if she was missing? Nobody was waiting for her there. Maybe days later when she didn’t return to where she was living in another European country, someone may have then noticed. A lot of time would have gone by. Also, my little “nightmares” in my mind of all the bad scenarios that could happen are allayed quite a bit when I know she is alive and has made it to the destination or back. I guess I worry too much. But I worry a bit less when I know she will call and so my mind won’t have to wander into “I wonder if she ever got to the Alps” and “what if…” I still worry, but these check ins when traveling DO help me. When my younger one had to stay in a hotel in strange cities unexpectedly alone twice last year, I felt she could handle it but it did require phone calls back and forth about finding the hotel and how to check in and notify us she was in a room, etc. I doubt I’ll do that quite to that degree when she is 25 but I see it as a transition from where I knew and approved very every coming and going PRIOR to college, to now being allowed to do whatever she wants and live in a huge city, travel to and fro, but has to notify us when going far away of where she is or that she arrived safely. I guess it is an intermediary step for ME, even if they do not have a need to tell me that got to some city or country…I need it and they respect my wishes in order to ease my anxiety of their safety. They are still young ladies and vulnerable. But they are independent for sure. They do not need approval. But I need assurance of their safety.</p>
<p>I can totally relate to teriwtt’s anxiety. I am a total worrier and really specialize in Imagining the Worst. All I can say is thank god that you were able to reach her within a reasonable amount of time! </p>
<p>That said, I also appreciate the drawbacks of the new technology. We are so accustomed to instant access that we really can keep track of our families (not just kids, husbands and extended family too.) Sometimes ignorance can be bliss!</p>
<p>Glad things worked out. BTW: I really admire your daughter for being independent enough to do this on her own. Good forher!</p>
<p>NMR: </p>
<p>When kids are home from college they have a curfew, and tell us where they’re going and w/whom for my sake, but this was not an easily arrived at agreement. They felt that since they did not have to do this at school, they should not have to while at home, but they abide by my rules when at home.
When they are at school, I don’t ask and they don’t tell. I’ve spent 18-20 years training them for this freedom and they’re pretty street smart.
Here’s the thing, if my D would have told me that she was doing w/Teri’s D did, I probably would have told her that it was foolish and too risky. Now you know why I don’t want to know everything that goes on and they don’t always tell me!
I would not have had Teri’s calm.</p>
<p>3togo - when I originally started this thread, what I wanted to do was vent. Those who supported me did so by acknowledging my experience, and many shared their own stories of how they worry when their children are in similar situations. I feel totally confident in my parenting style… I’m right down the middle (my own kid even told me as much), so looking back, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. Looking forward, if she chooses to do this again, because she’s now familiar with the bus stations, venue, mall, etc., I wouldn’t worry so much. But anytime that I ‘know’ a young lady is walking alone, in an unfamiliar territory at night, I’d reserve the right to worry. There’s a big difference in worrying and trying to manipulate her into not doing something. I stand by my decision. However, I realize what you are saying about posting on this board - many people will use it as an opportunity to point out every little nuance they think a person is missing - is true. Perhaps in the future I should make it more clear that I wasn’t looking for advise, just commiseration. But there’s a difference between threads where parents (or students) specifically ask for advice, and threads (such as mine) where I just needed to vent. Also, how do you know who I know on this board and don’t. I have privately PMed and met some of these people, who know me better than those of you I have not corresponded privately with. Those are the ones supporting my need to vent. Maybe I respect the opinions of those who do know me and are more familiar with my family to a degree because they know there’s always more to a story than can be presented here on CC. </p>
<p>By the way, D actually LIKES to tell me about the stuff she does, when she goes to a concert, a play, a party, etc. She may not always be like that, but for the time being, why should I discourage it? The other night, she IMed me out of the blue because she was so excited about buying her bus ticket for her fall break trip. I have never implicity or explicity asked her to give me all the details of her life. She didn’t have to tell me anything, but she chose to. Yea, she could have done all this without telling me (as I’m sure she’s done a lot of things without telling me), but she was excited about going, and wanted to share it with me. If some people don’t get that their children voluntarily share many details of their lives with their parents, then they won’t understand my experience. I think I mentioned a friend of mine who calls her kids all the time. Well, D1 is studying abroad right now in Africa. My friend is a wreck, constantly trying to reach her daughter by cell phone or internet (despite being told by the program not to expect much communication because they want the students to fully immerse themselves in the program). She was told it might be two weeks or more before they first heard from them; by day five, my friend was a basket case and began every conversation with, “I haven’t heard from _____, yet. I am a wreck over this.” So I KNOW helicopter parenting… I observe it often with this friend, and am determined not to alienate my kids. </p>
<p>By the way, doesn’t ANYONE want to know what concert it is that she went to? Brownie points to anyone who’s heard of them… Rilo Kiley.</p>
<p>I apologize if my comments offended you. In the future, I will try to discern whether the OP is soliciting opinions.</p>
<p>Count me in as another one whose DH always calls to check in when he’s on the road (sometimes several times daily!).</p>
<p>As I said, there is no right or wrong way to do it. Everyone has to do what works for their own families.</p>
<p>LMAO, Rilo Kiley? That’s about un-hardcore as they come… just had to interject :P</p>
<p>Your daughter would have had more chance of being hurt doing just about anything else…</p>
<p>I normally would have no clue who Rilo Kiley is…but…it so happens…that I heard that name in the past week as one of the students I am advising is pursuing music composition and I have been guiding her on her music resume and something on her resume had to do with Rilo Kiley and I had not heard that name before but now it makes twice in a week. :D</p>
<p>Also, I identify with another thing you wrote, teriwtt, though I realize that this, too, differs between families. But my kids also call us to share all the news of their lives. It is not like we hover over them. They want to call about what is going on. We get frequent updates. Lately, we have gotten some very exciting calls, including some “pinch me” moments of dreams coming true. One of these calls was when we were not home and D didn’t even want to leave it on a voice machine as she had to tell us herself and interrupted her own party she was hosting to keep trying us until we got home. She even stepped out of a rehearsal one night as she was texted exciting news and had to call us right away to share it. We get these sorts of calls frequently telling us their news and joy in what is going on at school. My husband and I love it and it is the frequent topic of our dinner conversations to tell the other one any news we heard from the kids. They are not reporting in for our approval but more to share with someone who loves them and cares about what is going on in their lives.</p>
<p>(1) I certainly know Rilo Kiley. A second-order fave of my daughter’s. Jenny Lewis. Completely tame. </p>
<p>(2) If the venue was two blocks from the bus station, it was the Trocadero. I let my kids go there all the time when they were teens. It’s a little seedy, but perfectly fine. Horrible things don’t happen there. It’s in the middle of Chinatown – you have to be modestly wary and streetwise at 1 am, but there are tons of people around at 9 pm.</p>
<p>(3) I haven’t read all the posts here, but honestly, the thing to do next time to avoid so much anxiety is not to be so involved.</p>
<p>(4) Something’s off here, because there are ALWAYS openers for a band like that. If your daughter left the theater at 9, she didn’t see any of Rilo Kiley’s show.</p>
<p>Terri- just for future reference, I don’t know if your D took Bieber or Greyhound, but the Bieber station in Allentown (actually located near Dorney Park) is in a much less seedy part of town. When my D takes the bus she takes Bieber. I think it costs a couple of dollars more, but my D said the Greyhound station is really seedy.</p>
<p>No wonder your daughter had to go to the conert. Rilo Kiley is worth the trip (and probably your worrying) Too bad my daughter isn’t at the same school. She’s still friendless at her new college and would LOVE to find someone to go to a concert with!</p>
<p>JHS - now had I posted this before she went, I could have had the peace of mind that the Trocadero is relatively safe at 9PM, but I didn’t want to give away to any stalkers where and when a young woman would be traveling alone in an unfamiliar area. </p>
<p>Also, there was no opening band, because there was another concert that was to being at 10PM or something. So I figured they had to run relatively on time as concerts go.</p>
<p>JHS - well without reading all the posts, I’ll summarize by telling you that it was not by my instigation that she chose to keep me informed along the way, although once we agreed on it, I did expect her to follow through. I think she felt safer knowing someone knew where she was, and had someone to call if something had gone awry. </p>
<p>anothermom - she took the Bieber, but didn’t say where it was in Allentown; I just assumed it was downtown. I would feel better if it was out by Dorney Park; I think it’s a more populated and safe area at night. Is Dorney Park the only place Bieber picks up?</p>
<p>About Rilo Kiley not being hardcore; my daughter is unusual in that she likes all kinds of music (except rap and C&W). One of her majors is vocal performance - she has more of an appreciation of diverse kinds of music than most kids her age, so I could mention some opera singer she saw, and she’d describe it as hardcore. She even plays the ukele! It’s what got the attention of her first choice a capella group, which she was invited to join… the only freshman girl invited! One of the songs they’re rehearsing is Love The One You’re With by CS&N (I guess Young, too), and she loves it (and already knew it by heart).</p>
<p>terriwtt…yay on getting into the a capella group! Those things are very competitive to get into. My D got into hers as a freshman and it has been one of the highlights of college and is very big in her life. She is the musical director for the group and writes many of their arrangements. And I know what you mean about a wide knowledge base of music. I hope your D loves it as much as mine has.</p>
<p>hunt… apology accepted :)</p>
<p>Yup- Bieber picks up technically in Wescoeville. At a nice little throwback cafe that I am sure hasn’t changed since the 50’s.It is very clean and safe feeling. When you D has an itch to go to NYC it is very nice. The buses are clean, basically used by commuters and shoppers going into the city for the day. The buses even have a toilet on them. Just don’t sit right next to it, as I did last time I was catching a plane out of JFK!</p>
<p>I don’t think you are too helicoptering, I do think it’s a disadvantage of cellphones though that we expect to hear where our kids are. And then when we don’t hear it worries us. It was easier in the old days when (at age 16 or 17) my parents had no clue that I missed my connection in London. Spent the day at the Victoria and AlbertMuseum and repulsed the advances of some older man - who was quite charming until he wasn’t…</p>
<p>Oh, that’s funny that your D went to see Rilo Kiley. My D likes them a lot, too. She had them on the Ipod on our most recent college trip and asked me to listen, which was the first, I admit, I had heard of them. They are an indie band out of California with a very nice sound.</p>
<p>D has been to Jenny Lewis concerts. Both of my kids have been fans since she was in the 1989 film “Troop Beverly Hills”, where she played Shelley Long’s daughter “Hannah Nefler”.</p>
<p>So, earlier this evening while I was working out at my gym (Contours Express), I ran my story passed one of the staff members, who knows my child as an acquaintence, to get her reaction (she’s a senior at the high school my D just graduated from). I told her how some of the posters had been accusatory of my being over involved, based on this one incident. She made an excellent point:</p>
<p>She said, “You know how when you have a birthday, and everyone asks if you feel different? And the answer is generally no… you feel the same as you did the day before. Even when, in our state and you turn 18, you can now legally buy porn, get a tattoo, and buy cigarettes. But a birthday doesn’t mean all of a sudden one day you’re this 17 year old unprepared, less mature person, and overnight you’ve developed all the skills to run your life. It’s a process. I kind of think college is like that. Just because you’re in high school one month, and three months later you begin college, it doesn’t mean you should all of a sudden expect to handle all the new experiences alone. Everyone’s comfort level and maturity develop over time, and just because you’re at college, it doesn’t mean you have the tools to go out on your own and not need your parents anymore. It’s a transition, and with _____'s situation, she’s only been at college for a month. It takes time to figure out what you’re comfortable with making decisions on your own, and what decisions you still need parental support with. But kids just don’t move from having their parents more involved in their daily lives during high school one day to being completely on their own the next day. You have to test the water, and increase your independence as your confidence grows, so that by the time you’re ready to graduate, you have a skill set that allows you to be on your own completely.”</p>
<p>She, too, thought D was extremely brave to attend this concert (something she doubts she would have done), yet also understood my worry at her being alone in a large city in an unfamiliar area at night.</p>
<p>After I left, I thought, your mother will really appreciate your insight when it’s time for you to leave next year.</p>