<p>What a thoughtful young woman to be able to express herself the way she did. I absolutely agree with you both!</p>
<p>That is indeed a mature response from that teenager. In one of my earlier posts, I was expressing a similar thought that my kids are allowed to do way more now in college than when in high school. In high school, we knew where they were at ALL times and there were certain restrictions and they also had to call when they got some place and when they left (once they drove cars) and so forth. In college, I don’t know where they are, they don’t have to get approval, and they don’t call when they go some place. However, when traveling alone a long distance (different state, different city, different country), they do call. Five years from now, maybe that will change, I dunno. But it seems like gradual steps and transitions. For one of my kids, she has been on her own since age 16. I even had to let go EARLY! 
But she is still just 18 and so it’s not like she is that old!</p>
<p>Meanwhile, here I am…the worrywort…this thread doesn’t help, LOL! So, I know my kid is walking alone very late at night in New York night after night. Talk about letting go…this is such an extreme change from her upbringing in a rural area where she went nowhere alone as it was impossible to do so. I mean I AM used to it…she has started her third year! Ha! I know she gets home from rehearsals and activities very late at night and doesn’t even live in a dorm this year and so is never walking or riding the subway with anyone else to the area where she lives. I TRY not to think about it. But take tonight for instance…she was in classes from 9-6, then a rehearsal somewhere in the city from 6-9 and then according to her “away” message, traveled after that to Brooklyn to jam with a band. I could tell at 1 AM she was not back by the virtue of her away message not changing (not foolproof but an inkling) and am thinking…she is riding a subway from Brooklyn to Manhattan this late and then walking alone to her condo building…I try not to even think about this. But alas, I see she must have gotten back and signed in to check mail before going to bed and I IM’d her and was telling her that I get nervous with her on the subway and walking so late at night alone and didn’t realize she was in Brooklyn…and of course, SHE is not worried (she has become a true New Yorker)…and she IM’d back “don’t be worried”. She tells me the two kids in the band in Brooklyn (they have graduated college) walked her to the subway there (OK, at least they thought to look after her!)…she even said “they look out for me, don’t worry!” but then I know she has to walk from the subway to where she lives and it was so late (but New York never sleeps, it’s true). So, she writes: “It’s Okay, I promise. I’m dressed like a bum. I wear a hood. I look like crap.” LOL!!! As if that makes her safe??? Sorry but this thread has me cracking up…either that or shaking in my pants, I can’t decide. I’m like “you know you have to be very street wise and it is not always ‘OK’.” and she’s telling me she IS streetwise (little Miss Confidence). Well, there is not much to being streetwise in rural Vermont. Like I said, I’M the one who had to adjust…not HER. 
But I will sleep better knowing she got in even though she is not required to let me know that kind of thing in college…but if I happen to see her check in online late at night by evidence of her buddy list thing, it’s calming (but don’t tell her, thanks).</p>
<p>*Once my phone did die, and both girls were irked with me, they wanted to make plans, etc, but couldn’t get in contact, so they learned how frustrating it is when you can’t reach someone when you need to, or when they don’t call when you need them to
*
part of life is learning how to deal with frustration
My kids forget to charge their phones or turn them off- H leaves his at work- and OMG what if someone didnt feel the need for a cell phone?</p>
<p>It is a luxury and I think it can be useful, but it also can be a crutch.</p>
<p>I have more the attitude- "if I need to hear about it I will- or no news is good news"although I admit, I have been at the point where I figured H was either in the hospital or in jail
( he was in jail :rolleyes:, in an accident on a bridge during heavy traffic, he told the other driver that he would meet him at the other end of bridge- when he did, the cops arrested him for hit and run)
by the time I heard about it- I went down there- but too late to bail him out- and after I had hit up multiple bank machines too.</p>
<p>Parents are different- a friend of mine- took a year off after sophomore year in college to work as an aupair in Europe she was 19. Then she hitch hiked through Mexico making friends along the way before she came back to school- this was in the late 70’s.
I doubt if she called her parents more than occasionally.</p>
<p>After accidentally (or not so much) ignoring my mother’s daily text messages of …I LOVE YOU…during the last three weeks; she was apparently thrilled when she saw that I was replyin back for the first time a couple of days ago. To her dismay ( my father called me the next day ) my reply was: STOP TEXTING ME!</p>
<p>I have a life, I need to meet new people and I need to study… Dad is coming for my birthday in a week…</p>
<p>Even if you need to study and meet new people, it would take 3 seconds to text back to your mom, “I LOVE YOU TOO, TTYL” or “I MISS YOU, HAVE TO STUDY NOW, BYE!”</p>
<p>You could have done about 5 days worth of the above in the time it took you to write your one post above.</p>
<p>Just an FYI, The Bieber bus stop is still in Wescosville but the place next to it, The Charcoal Pit, closed a couple of weeks ago. They are doing major construction on route 222, where both are located, and the new routing cut off easy access to the restaurant and effectively got rid of any drive by traffic. I’ve taken the Bieber bus into NYC before, but I pick it up in Hellertown (close to Lehigh) since there are no stops after that. Neither stop is within walking distance (unless you walk on very busy roads) of your daughters college in Allentown. There is a new bus station that just opened up in downtown Allentown for I think both Greyhound and Transbridge busses but there’s already a squawk about how it’s located in a bad section of town.</p>
<p>Terrwitt, I hope I didn’t add to the pile on with my loosen up comment a couple of pages ago. I’ve been reading and thinking about this thread and knowing the area where you daughter is pretty well, I don’t think your worries are unfounded. Allentown and Philadelphia are not safe little towns. There are many places in Allentown that I avoid.</p>
<p>I’m sure we moms can be terribly annoying. Isn’t that why you can save a list of frequently used messages? So that you can dispatch them with a flick of the thumb…
It’s a balance, YOU know you’re safe, but to all the moms out there, you may have been abducted by pirates. That worry switch is really hard to turn off.</p>
<p>at some point in time we parents must ask ourselves, “when should we let go?” No, we will never be free from some anxiety in certain situations but when is our concern too much.</p>
<p>Our son drove to the west coast and back for an internship. Though he is now a college senior we were anxious and asked him to tell us where he was planning to stay the next nite and to call us during at lunch and when he arrived. Would we be doing this sort of thing next year or before he gets married? We are not concerned about the numerous one day trips he has taken and the cross country jaunts were merely 4 consecutive one day trips. But that imaginary tether is difficult to let go of once and for all.</p>
<p>Movie Buff, please print out your above post and put it somewhere you will see it in a few years. I imagine that you will be filled with remorse at how much you hurt your mother with that reply to her text message.</p>
<p>I spoke to my mother almost daily until her death 5 years ago. I would give almost anything to be able to hear her voice one more time.</p>
<p>MOVIEBUFF…This is a Parent Forum and so you likely are not getting the responses you may hope for but hey, you posted here and so I hope you are willing to hear what others may think and weigh it. Text messaging doesn’t work where I live and so, no, I don’t text my kids. I rarely call them. However, we are in touch frequently but I wait for them to call me when it works for them. Sometimes there is an email and one of my kids does use IM but is rarely online but often gets on it late at night to check mail and may have a chatty IM with me about some news of hers. So, I don’t truly contact them. However, if I had text messaging, which is such a quick little connection with someone, I might leave a little love message like your mom did. And I bet when my kids had a chance as they were walking here or there and just like they text EVERYONE, they would text back, “Love you too.” I mean, don’t you text friends all the time? Don’t you have time to do that? I bet you DO text friends. I see how fast you kids type those text messages (it actually amazes me) and it would have taken you 15 seconds to type, “Love you” and would have REALLY made your mom’s day. I would understand your complaint if mom was calling you up all the time and asking to talk at inconvenient times, etc. But in the world of young adult text messaging which seems almost like breathing these days, add one more text message to your day that is three little words, is not asking much. She wasn’t really interrupting you to have a conversation. If you texted “Stop text messaging me!”, you already took the time to text back. It was shorter to type, “I love you too!” There was no time difference but OH, such a difference in those two messages, I cannot begin to tell you. You also have time for message boards. I know that my kids don’t. So, if you can fit CC in, please fit mom in…send a quickie text or email that says, “sorry…I really do love you too and thanks for thinking of me.” </p>
<p>Originaloog…for me it is like transitioning from high school, then college, then adult life…each step I have let go more and more and more and so now, I’m still at the stage that when my kid drove cross country, she did call each night as she reached her destination (she was 18 at the time). How I’d deal with that when she is 25, I can’t say yet. When she was under 18, she wouldn’t have been allowed to drive cross country. So, it is a continuim. </p>
<p>I also feel…and I hope this doesn’t come off wrong…that SOME of the differences here on this thread…are beyond simply our own comfort levels but that SOMEtimes, those with sons, aren’t as concerned in the same way as some of us with daughters, when it comes to travel alone, etc. While both are vulnerable, there is a bit more of concern with a young lady alone. AND another difference, though I know this is a HUGE generality (sorry in advance), but I think moms sometimes feel differently about this than dads. I know my husband gets concerned but not nearly as I do. If my kid is traveling say, from France to Spain by herself, I can’t go to bed until I get that call that she made it, whereas he can. Maybe it is a mom-daughter thing. I can’t say as I have only experienced daughters and have no sons and of course, I have only been a mom, and not a dad!</p>
<p>
I agree with the overall message from the post I took this quote … kids grow into their independence and families each have their own way of taking this path. I do want to clarify one thing from my perspective. The conversation since the initial posting hs focused on checking in or not checking in … for me personally while I may be less hands on than a lot folks in this thread I do expect there to be a way to reach my kids at college within a few hours (they may not be checking in but I should have a contact point). </p>
<p>That said frankly the reason I piped in initially is because, to me, the situation as described in the initial posting went WAY past checking-in … the parent proactively checked bus schedules, maps, venues, etc … essentially (my words) made a shadow plan of their child’s plan … to me that is WAY more than just asking a child to check-in. Each family has their own way and if that works for the OP and her D great … it’s a long way from the way I will treat my kids … and it would have created an incredible negative reaction from me if my parents had done so when I was in school. However all that matters is it works for the OP and her D!</p>
<p>Any students here, take a note: one day, when you become parents (if you do, of course!) then you will suddenly “get” how much your parents love and worry about you. Until then, you just have to take our word for it, and if we brought you up well (to be considerate of other people and emphathetic), you will at least try to respond to your parents when they text “I love you” or “I miss you.” Texting back “Love you, too, Mom” or “I miss you, too” is no skin off your nose, and it would mean a lot to the 'rents.</p>
<p>Yes, I checked bus schedules, maps, etc., but not with the intent on telling her what to do. She was the one who IMed me and said the bus thing wasn’t going to work out because it didn’t leave Allentown until 5:45PM; I could have easily said, “Sorry you have to miss your concert,” but I knew that she was reading the schedule wrong… that the 5:45 bus was actually AM, not PM, so I told her, of which she was very happy, but probably embarassed at her making the wrong assumption. Even after this, she IMed me a day later to ask me where I found the schedule again. I could have easily omitted that I knew the truth so that she wouldn’t go. This is a kid who is incredibly bright (NMF), 35 ACT, lots of honors and AP classes, but just does not pay attention to detail. I could have let her learn from her schedule-reading mistake, which would have kept her from going, but for me to know the truth, and not tell her would have felt like deception. And actually, she did ask me what I knew about the bus (since we live so far away, and there are many combinations of ways to get to her, she knows I am more familiar with what those options are); had she not asked me, I wouldn’t have said a single word to her about researching this all before she asked.</p>
<p>Soozievt- I agree with you about the sons/daughters thing. I know that my own parents worried much more about my traveling alone than my brothers. I remember the summer after my freshman year. I had driven the three hours back home with all my stuff and my dad lit into me like never before because I was wearing ‘shorts that were too short’. God forbid some trucker pass by on my right and get a good look at my legs. That same afternoon, I went up to the local community college to get information about their summer school schedule - I had not changed since getting home - so he was appalled. I literally didn’t speak to him for weeks - he had used such a shameful, humiliating tone. Of course, now I know the difference, and realize if someone wants to try to take advantage of a woman, they’re going to do it whether or not they’re wearing revealing clothing, because it’s not about sex… it’s about violence.</p>
<p>Soozie - while you claim to make a general statement about girls being more at risk than boys, I don’t think it’s a generalization - it’s true. When was the last time you heard about a guy being abducted, kidnapped or attacked? I know it happens, but percentages go, there’s no doubt girls are victims of those kinds of crimes more often than guys. The older I get, I am astounded by the number of friends I have that ‘come out’, meaning they admit to being raped when they were in high school or college. But most feared the stigma attached to being raped, and didn’t report it to anyone. And the amount of sexual abuse by just even college professors back then. I think the positive things for our children’s generation is that we’ve chipped away at some of the stigma attached to rape, so they’re more likely to trust telling people, including law enforcement. I also think we’ve educated our girls much better to know what’s wrong and not to excuse behavior as just another pervert making a pass.</p>
<p>However, if I had sons, it would not give carte blanche for him to wander freely around the nation without checking in. Given an equal number of boys and girls, you’re always going to find more girls being the victims of abuse.</p>
<p>On a different note - while you may be wondering how I’m posting this since I’m supposed to be ON A PLANE!!! Fog in Chicago has delayed our departure for another hour - I guess I won’t be seeing Mount St. Helens today.</p>
<p>Have a wonderful trip, teriwtt!</p>
<p>Thanks! Will try my best; this flight delay isn’t even getting to me cause I have no agenda, no where to be at any time, and no one waiting impatiently for me!</p>
<p>Have a great trip teriwtt. </p>
<p>OK, here is a funny one and my husband finds this rather cute…but here my kid is in NYC and I’m here in the mountains, on a dirt road, very few street signs, no traffic lights, cannot walk to anything, etc. seven hours away and a few times in the last two years, my D has called on her cell when she is trying to find a place in NYC she has to be at and can’t seem to find the exact location when she gets to the vicinity and has called me and asked me to look up on mapquest just where this place is, etc. as she can’t find it and so it is pretty funny that from here in Vermont, I am telling her where some place is in Manhattan. Trust me, this happens rarely, but it has happened a few times!</p>
<p>soozievt==turning your experience around a bit, H and I were driving on our local streets, trying to find a place of business where we had an appointment. SOMEONE hadn’t paid too much attention when HE looked up the place online. We couldn’t find the place, we were late, and things were getting a bit snarky in the car. Tried to call D2 (jr in hs) to do a mapquest, but she hadn’t got home yet from school. So, I called D1 at her dorm (new freshman at school 350 miles away) and SHE walked US through the directions!!! Gotta love technology. (and we probably should invest in a GPS for the car!!!)</p>
<p>^^^It’s the new age. It is kinda funny though how this plays out.</p>
<p>I have a very close friend that must think I am a phonebook and a map! She or her husband must call me at least once a month from the car or home to get a phone number or directions to a location. I am very organized, so it is rare for me to leave the house for an appointment and not have complete directions and a phone number to call just in case I get lost. I guess they figure I can find what they need so there is no reason for them to do it.</p>
<p>For an anniversary, I bought them each a local map book for their cars; each of my kids, my husband and myself all have one in our cars. So the first time one of them called for directions I ask them to look in their mapbook. No can do, they had never bothered to put the book in the car!!</p>
<p>Once the wife called me while I was out for directions. I told her I was on the highway and could not get to my map book. That wasn’t really true; I was running errand but didn’t want to pull over and spend the time with her directions. I felt bad, but I was frustrated with the constant calling. When my kids call for a number or direction I jokingly call them by our friends name to tease them! My son is great with directions and my daughter almost always checks mapquest before she goes someplace new.</p>
<p>soozievt,
I get those “Mapquest” calls all the time!</p>