I think what is kinda great about retirement is that no one asks what you do for a living. At least it’s not a topic that comes up very often for me. I don’t know what some people ever did for a living. Not important anymore.
My husband’s brother is a physician. Oh boy, the minefields sometimes.
One person told my mil, wasn’t it great that she has a son who’s a physician? They had met my husband, not the physician son, but didn’t comment on my husband’s profession at all.
@conmama I forget if this was mentioned above… it is usually/always your husband who pulls out the credit card when you are dining out? What if you pull one out and pay? Do the guests thank you or both of you??
I’m going to be more cognizant of what people DO say to who when we are dining out. I don’t think I would have really picked up on this.
The bill came and was paid while OP was in the bathroom. The guests thanked the husband “profusely” at that moment. They probably assumed the H would tell his wife how they thanked both of them, especially if they thought H and W shared finances. Some people are not good at receiving gifts from people and may be embarrassed to bring it up again after they have already thanked the host.
Whenever I visit my sister, she and her H would usually take me out to dinner. I would make a point of thanking my brother in law, but not as much with my own sister. I would offer to pay for some meals, but they wouldn’t normally let me, so I would send crabs and wine for a meal in.
I try to be careful when asking what folks “do” for a living. I don’t want a SAH mom to feel like she doesn’t “do” anything but also don’t want to assume that she doesn’t have a career job. At this point, people are more likely to ask me if I am retired as a starting point!
I was a SAHM for part of the time. When I went back to an engineering office, I told the guys that being a SAHM was harder than being a full-time engineer. They thought I was joking! Uh, no…
I was a SAHM for 10 years. I was never offended when anyone asked what I did for a living, I simply said I was home with my kids. No one ever said anything negative about that.
It bothered me when people ASSUMED that I did not have a career because I am female.
As someone in this position just two days ago, I agree. I thanked both of the married couple for dinner. I would never assume that the person pulling out the credit card kept separate finances, but even if I knew they did, I’d still thank both of them, as I’d bet that the spouse was part of the decision to invite us in the first place, which I appreciate, and if they actually keep separate finances, it’s likely they split the bill when the CC statement comes. And really, what does it cost me to thank both of them anyway???
Both of my daughters out earn “their men,” by a lot, actually. Which is only one reason why I would thank both of them, no matter who pulled out the credit card, because I don’t know for a fact who is paying the credit card bill that month, and the decision to invite us in the first place is likely a mutual one. What exactly does it cost a person to thank both parties of the couple who likely made a joint decision in inviting the other party in the first place? While I don’t spend much time noticing if and when I’m being thanked, I do make a conscious decision to thank both parties when I’ve been treated, because I’m guessing there was a part played by both people in the couple to make the evening happen. And also, it takes zero extra effort to do so.
It’s not the effort, it would really never cross my mind, because I consider a married boule as a unit. I would not expect to be thanked after I got back from the restroom. Maybe the OP should ask her husband not to make generous gestures when she’s not in the room.
I’m not really addressing the point of having to re-thank the OP after she returns from the restroom. I’m talking about the comment made that, as a rule, they would make a point of ONLY thanking the credit card bearer even when both members of the couple are present.
How do you know they didn’t thank both since OP was in the restroom? Do you think they should have thank them again when she got back? I think majority responded that they would not care to be thanked individually specially if OP was not present the first time they thanked her husband.
ONCE AGAIN, I’ve already said I’m not addressing the original incident (though it seems the OP’s husband told her the conversation as it happened, since she was upset about it). I’m talking about a stated habit of always or usually deliberately only thanking the person bearing the credit card. For many reasons, it’s NOT safe to assume that the credit card presenter is the only one treating the guest, whether it’s financially or in the choice to invite and treat those specific people. As the guest receiving the hospitality, I would never assume that a married person is not also treating me simply because they weren’t the one putting down the card. Many married people have a joint pot from which they pay credit cards, or in cases of married couples who separate their finances, they may split all the bills down the middle when they come in. Point being, no one who is on the receiving end of a free meal actually knows how and who paid for it, or if it was given jointly in fact or in spirit. So, exactly how hard is it to thank both, making no assumption that the person who puts down the card is the only one deserving of one’s gratitude? As a recent recipient of a situation just like this, it cost me nothing extra to extend my thanks to both members of the partnership. As the OP said, do you, but I agree with her that it’s very puzzling why anyone would deliberately withhold gratitude from both members of a partnership based on an assumption that only one of them is deserving of it.
As I ALSO said, I personally probably wouldn’t have felt an issue with the situation initially described. However, I would notice if someone always thanked only my husband if we were both at the table when it came up. How bothered I’d be I can’t say, since I can’t really remember a time when we have treated someone to dinner and the recipient only thanked DH.
I never felt ashamed about saying I was a SAHM while I had kids at home but now that I’m an empty-nester, I do struggle with what to say when someone asks me what I do for a living. “SAHM” sounds strange to me now that there aren’t any kids actually at home. I do some volunteer work, so I usually highlight that. I think I will try adopting @Mjkacmom 's strategy and start to say I’m “retired”
We are just back from staying with friends at their mountain house, where friends spoiled us with generosity. I did thank both for the overall experience as we were leaving, but was likely more effusive with my thanks to the H at each meal, since he did all of the food prep, cooking, serving and cleaning up and was the one to pull out the credit card at dinner. I’m not sure I specifically thanked the W for the meals
I am ordering a gift basket to be sent to them today…in the accompanying note, I will be sure to be clear that I appreciate the generosity that they BOTH bestowed upon us.
As the spouse of a DH that cooks, but who does everything else when guests come (for dinner or to stay), it is nice to get thanked for the overall effort, not just the meal.
A few of our kids went to Verizon to upgrade phones (iPhone 16 free with trade in) and an employee was looking at our account and was surprised H and I weren’t trading in my 8 and his 5SE.
When someone asks what you do for a living (whether you’re retired or SAHM or whatever) I would just say, “I spend a lot of time doing ________”. So focus on what you do do: gardening, volunteering at a certain place, decorating your home, cooking elaborate recipes…whatever makes you you!
