I was just invited to my first Destination Wedding. I am not sure how I feel about this, so wondered if anyone here has had one or been to one what their thoughts are.
My first reaction was that it seems like a big financial and time commitment to ask of guests. Then I wondered if it wasn’t a way to weed out people who weren’t close enough to make that kind of commitment. I can see the plus side from the couple’s perspective, and even think for people with smaller families that they aren’t close to it could be a good choice, but I don’t know, as an invited guest it is just hitting me wrong.
I keep going back and forth from thinking it is a great idea that I could see one of my kids choosing to feeling that I wouldn’t have the nerve to ask that much of people to attend my own or my kids wedding.
As you can see I am all over the place on this one.
This is a first marriage for both, couple is in their early thirties. Thoughts from the peanut gallery please?
What kind of destination? I worked with a woman who chose Jamaica and it turned out nobody from her family could afford to attend (even her mom). I think she ended up sorry she did it in some ways, but loved being there as well. Others have been more successful (Florida for a couple that did not live near family anyway). We were in Hawaii and met a young couple who were there for a wedding and had built a vacation around it (both had high paying jobs as I recall so money not so much a big deal).
It may be shaped by what is a priority for the couple: location vs family and friend attending. It probably also depends on how desirable the location is vs the cost of getting there and staying. We went to a wedding that was a couple of hours away (at the beach) and it was OK because we could drive and the off-season room rates were not too bad. Not sure I would have been willing to add in a plane ticket for this particular friend’s kid however!
OTOH, we have two wedding we have to fly to (family members) because they live far away. In that case, a destination would have been just fine (assuming not too far away).
I think destination weddings are fine as long as the couple and family do not take it personally if folks do not attend. Each couple should get to plan “their day” the way they want it but need to accept that others may not participate. My nephew had a destination wedding that would have required my children to miss 2 days of school right at the end of a grading period. I went as family representative. DH and kids stayed at home.
They are certainly entitled to have a destination wedding.
You are certainly entitled to not spend the time and money necessary to attend.
We did not attend a destination wedding of good friends (it was very expensive and the timing was bad for us) so we took them out for a nice dinner soon after they got home to celebrate – that worked out just fine. When they decided on a destination wedding, they understood that many invitees would not be able to attend.
@parentofpeople are you questioning whether or not you will attend the destination wedding you have been invited to? Or is this just a general thread on the topic of destination weddings?
I would attend if it were a very close family member or close friend. otherwise I would consider whether it was worth my time/money and bother.
I define a destination wedding as one held in a location where the couple does not live, work or did not grow up. For example D is getting married here in NoVA soon and while most guests will have to travel, this is where she grew up and where she and her fiancé attended HS. so it’s not a destination wedding. We are also not taking it personally if someone cannot attend.
@powercropper just a general discussion on the concept. I was curious to hear what made people choose that option, what issues came up. Was it easier drama wise or harder? I really just wondered where people landed on the idea.
We are an east coast family, as are both the bride and groom’s families. The destination is an all inclusive resort in Mexico.
I will probably not go as we already have a trip planned that is kind of expensive a few weeks before the wedding. Taking off work again and spending the money so close to our other trip will be too much for us. We have plans with another couple and it has already been paid for and non refundable.
I have only attended one destination wedding (in the Napa valley). I attended because it was a nice opportunity to take a little vacation, drink some really good wine and get a free show. (this highly dysfunctional family provided some real drama) Destination or not, if attending a wedding is either too expensive or too inconvenient you have no obligation to attend.
I would WANT to attend if it were for family or close friends but what do I do if I can’t afford it? Go into debt or feel like I’m letting them down? I would feel like they are choosing the destination over having those that love them attend. It is asking an awful lot of people to pay for air fare, hotels, meals and a wedding gift. Use the destination for the honeymoon and celebrate with loved ones someplace more affordable to most.
One of my son’s friends got married in Europe. This was when they were in their late twenties. Her parents paid for the wedding party but all other relatives and friends had to buy tickets to Europe, very expensive hotels, meals and a wedding gift. Very few could attend and the bride told everyone she was very hurt that people didn’t value their relationship enough. Seriously? I feel it was she who didn’t value it enough to have a wedding where people could attend and then honeymoon in Europe if that’s what she wanted.
First thing - anyone that plans a destination wedding knows that some people will not attend that might have otherwise attended if it were in their hometown; but what are the chances that these days, everyone that is invited to a wedding lives locally? It just doesn’t happen. That being said, if this couple were not in your hometown, and were getting married in, say Utah, which would require a plane trip and several nights at a hotel, car rental, etc., would you feel the same way?
I guess when H and I moved away from both of our families and all of our friends after grad school, every wedding became a destination wedding. Some we went to, some we didn’t. It is, what it is. You go when you can, and send regrets when you can’t. If anyone declines to go to a wedding and questions the couple for ulterior motives, you need to look at your own psyche, and not that of the wedding couple. No one should be judged on whether or not they plan a destination or have to make a decision about whether to attend a destination wedding. I highly doubt it’s a couple’s way of defining who is committed to them and who isn’t - that’s silly.
You can ask all you want, just as people have an equal right to say no.
We attended one destination wedding as all of H’s friends were going. It was on a neighbor island and very posh and lovely. The wedding couple flew in and all the guests. We were hosted to welcome appetizers and drinks, a luau, the ceremony the next day, dinner reception and a brunch with the newly weds the next morning.
The airfare and room and hotel were somewhat pricey, but it was nice that so many events were provided for all guests. The event was very well attended (the groom’s and bride’s families were very wealthy), the couple had attended UPenn, and many of their friends sprung for the $$$ to attend.
It would be sad to me if none of my loved ones could attend our wedding because of cost. We had over 750 people attend, so that wasn’t an issue for us.
The mere fact that it is called a “destination wedding” tells you something.
To me, it is either:
an alternative to eloping - “if you like us, you’ll dish out the money and see us get married”
a way to show how much money you have and how much money you expect as a gift
To be honest, I’d just elope if I wanted to get married somewhere exotic. I would invite parents I suppose (but I did elope by the way, and no parents or any others were invited).
I think if you want to go to the destination, use it as an excuse to go there. If not, don’t go and get them a gift on their registry (LOL - can you IMAGINE having sets of china at a destination wedding?).
As for “the bride being hurt”, not one person has a real idea of how much disposable money each other person has. It is offensive for someone to think they are entitled to people dropping 5K let alone 10K+ to see a wedding. People aren’t going to be blabbing “oh, I can’t go, my worthless son lost his job and I have to support him and his freeloader wife and ungrateful kids” or “I have to have a transplant, so I’m saving up for when I’m not working”.
But again, I think how many people go is based on the destination more than who is getting married. And I wouldn’t want to think that, so I’d go local to our parents, or halfway in between.
If most of the guests have to travel anyway, I think it is thoughtful for the couple to choose a location that is a desirable travel destination as opposed to the bride’s hometown, if the hometown is someplace remote and hard to get to and lacking in charm. I’d rather spend the weekend in, say, Napa or Yosemite or Lake Tahoe, than in Fresno or Modesto. (No offense to those who live in those places!) So, a bride planning a destination wedding may well be thinking of the comfort and convenience of her guests (and not just her own glory).
I’ve been to several destination weddings over the years, even ones that involved international travel (Costa Rica, Italy, Mexico (Los Cabos)). They were all small, intimate affairs that were a lot of fun. I recently declined an invitation to a wedding in St. Lucia, however, because it seemed like too much of a hassle to get there and the resort where they were having the wedding was too expensive. I didn’t feel the least bit guilty in declining, but certainly didn’t feel that the invitation was in any way inappropriate.
It depends on the location, but if it is someplace at all exotic, guests are being asked to spend vacation time and money on someone else’s choice of location. I’d go if it was immediate family or one of my dearest 3-4 friends. Otherwise not.
I know some friends of my parents who sold a family heirloom to finance a trip to Italy for a granddaughter’s destination wedding. No one in their family realizes it because the grandparents didn’t want to make them feel bad about the destination wedding choice. This is my mom’s BFF, which is why I know. I am gonna be blunt… I think destination weddings in exotic locales are selfish. Every time I hear of one, I think of this elderly couple who did not want to miss their beloved granddaughter’s big day.
As long as the bride and groom understand that it may limit who is able to attend, I don’t have a problem with them for other people. However, I think it is totally unreasonable for any couple to be “hurt” when invitees choose not to attend because of cost. I myself would not attend in most cases. We do not plan expensive vacations- we do a lot of camping, backpacking, etc., at least until our 4th is done with college in 2 years- and if I were going to spend a lot on a vacation, it would most definitely be for something really special that we both wanted and not a destination wedding. I’m still pretty old-school when it comes to weddings. We got married in my parent’s backyard, and something similar seemed to be the norm back in the “old days”. I can’t imagine spending the amounts that many people spend on weddings now. Even if the couple is well-off, there are just so many things that I, as a very practical person, would rather have. Of course that is just me and each couple is welcome to do whatever makes them happy for their wedding. I would just hope that they understand when many on their guests lists choose not to attend.
How hurt you must feel to think these are the only two options, and how cynical you are about couples starting off.
D2 lives in the LA area. SO’s family is from Sacramento area; H’s family is east coast; my family is Texas; we are Illinois. D2 wants a wedding in the Santa Ynez wine country, which is two hours from where she lives, so it will be a destination wedding for everyone. If she invited someone to that wedding who had your either/or attitude, I’d be glad they weren’t coming.
They will invite who they want to invite to be part of their celebration because they mean something to them, not because they want to see who has a certain amount of money or as a litmus test of how much someone likes them.
Huh. I never thought that choosing a vacation destination was a couple being thoughtful of the guests. It’s always seemed to me that it’s more “WE like this place and we’re planning your vacation for you, to coincide with
OUR wedding!! Aren’t you lucky!”
H’s very good friend held such a wedding at a resort outside of Seattle. It WAS lovely, the food amazing (he’s in the restaurant business) and the wedding was very sweet. But it was EXPENSIVE, and not a destination we’d have chosen on our own.Because it was only 2 hours from Seattle, a number of guests drove in the day of, and then back out again. H couldn’t do that being in the wedding party. For what we spent, we could have gone other places we actually chose ourselves. But to each his own.
My son got married last summer in Seattle and some guests initially thought that this was a destination wedding when, in fact, that is the bride’s hometown. 95%+ of the guests lived on the East Coast. I was stunned that every single friend we invited (about 2 dozen) and almost every family member (about 3 dozen) did attend. Many made the wedding their “excuse” to plan a summer vacation to the West Coast or Alaska. Perhaps if we had called it a “destination wedding,” some would have had second thoughts about attending.
If I were ever invited to a destination wedding, I would go only if I could reasonably afford it. I would hope that the bride and groom would understand my decision.
I think it can be a selfish decision, if there are close relatives for whom it would be serious hardship to attend. My nephew is getting married in the summer in Vermont–it’s not really a destination wedding, because the bride is from nearby, but it’s going to be a major task getting my elderly mother-in-law there. If it were in Hawaii or someplace far, she simply wouldn’t be able to go at all.