D21 finished her soph year Wednesday. Between AP’s and a few other things, plus a couple of EC’s with crazy schedules the last 2 months, she has been burning the candle at both ends for a while. But right now she has about a week off without many real responsibilities. Then she will be traveling for a couple of things that are fun and not stressful, but pretty much she will be out of comission to study for the first couple of weeks of June. So I thought it would be a good time to go over her plan of attack for the summer.
I went into her room last night and asked if she wanted to review with me what she needed to be studying over the summer.
Her: Nope. I’m just watching Netflix tonight.
Me: I don’t expect you to do anything tonight, but I thought it would be a good idea for us to talk about …
Her: GET OUT. I WILL TALK TO YOU JUNE 14. DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS BEFORE THEN.
Me: Ok then. (as I back out of the door)
5 minutes later she comes out of her room and we talk pleasantly about other things as if that never happened.
Oops :-).
On the plus side, good for her for being good at self-advocating!
(I’m currently walking the line between not wanting to be the ‘nag’ but wanting my recent college grad who is just home for the summer to put a little more energy into finding some summer employment).
It’s early. She just finished sophomore year. Plenty of time. Good for you for raising a daughter that sets boundaries. That’s not a bad trait to have in life so view it as a positive.
I definitely view it as a positive. Woe to the poor boy who thinks he can tell her what to do, may God have mercy on his soul. They will be meeting very soon.
I’m actually pretty happy she has decided to take a few weeks off of thinking about this. Usually she is so focused that I thought she would worry less if she knew what she needed to do. Apparently she does not need that information right now.
Assuming the caps mean she screamed, yelling at Dad to get out is not a good choice. No matter how Tiger this OP thinks he is, she had other choices.
We went through this with D2, starting about then, and she’s still too testy. (Out of college now.) DH did what OP did, left the room and the subject. Just watch that you aren’t validating her tone. It could be her youth, but not a pattern you want to keep. Not a sign she’ll be a good partner.
Just keep an eye on this and, if needed, nip it in the bud. Explain she has those other choices.
In our house, we aren’t rude to each other. We all have bad days, stresses, etc, but coping with that is part of life. The girl wouldn’t treat her friends like that, and you don’t deserve it either, OP. Yes, we can all respond poorly sometimes in the heat of the moment, but we apologize afterwards. Seriously, basic civility is an important trait to learn in these situations, as they will come up with bosses and teachers, and more immediately, in the junior and senior years of high school. Learning to say “this is not a good time, but I can speak to you about it on June 1” rather than “get out” is a life skill.
The last sentence is the most important one. It shows very healthy resilience in the relationship, in my view. Good story. Good boundaries from the daughter, and good reaction from the Dad, and even better resumption of normalcy within minutes.
To be fair, the daughter’s initial response wasn’t to scream at her father. When he originally asked if she wanted to speak about her plans, she said Nope, I’m just watching Netflix tonight (no caps). It was only when he persevered with his agenda that she got upset.
Curious…wondering why your D needs to be studying over the summer. I raised two daughters who were high achievers and top students (one was val even), and neither did any studying or academics over their summers.
None…the…less, she apparently screamed. Not appropriate.
I’m not a hard-a**. True, she was calm at first, but then seems to have screamed. That’s not healthy “boundaries.” Healthy would have been the Netflix tone- I would’ve been proud if she exhibited that calm insistence. You wouldn’t take the screaming from a toddler.
Maybe OP is really proud HE didn’t force a fight. That’s different than letting her use volume to direct him away, physically and from a discussion.
Maybe among people you know. We live in a scream-free zone, as do most of our relatives and close friends. It is worth trying; it can be quite pleasant for all.
And mine still is, at 27.
Safe space means safe to talk and reveal. Not safe to bully.
I get that our relationship is strong enough that theyll use me to vent off pressures. Screaming, directed at a parent or other close person, is not good.
