I asked in the parent dealing with parent thread but I figured it may get lost with that thread.
I think it’s time to take my grandmothers car keys, she will be 90 this fall. She lives in a two family with her older sister who also still drives so her transportation won’t really be limited. My great aunt however doesn’t want this because doesn’t feel like dealing with the fallout. Any suggestions?
Does she drive erratically or have vision or response issues in addition to her age? I wouldn’t take away the car keys based solely on age alone.
She is going to drive with her OLDER sister?
Sending Hugs your way. This is so hard for everyone. There is no easy way, grandmother will not relinquish keys with a smile. It is easier to ignore the danger, but not the best choice.
We faced this situation with my mom several years ago. My brother took her car “to get a scheduled service” from the dealership. Mom was furious to find out a few days later that the car was gone forever.
Mom made life miserable for the relatives that lived closest to her. She called constantly and made incredible demands. She took out her frustration by punishing her loved ones.
I hope your situation has a better ending!
My dad was an interstate truck driver for his career. HE gave up his drivers license…and car voluntarily. He was 85 years old. He said “I never had a ticket or any other citation in all my miles of driving. I’d like to keep it that way.”
He turned in his license and gave the car to a relative.
Luckily, there were lots of family members who were more than willing to take him on outings when he needed or wanted to go.
I will say…no one in the family had ridden with him while driving for years. It was a hair raising experience.
@thumper1 sounds crazy but yes her 91 year old sister is still driving. Honestly I don’t know why each of them is maintaining a car because they do everything together and most times they are in the car together. None of us live in the same city ( gran, my mom, me). We have tried to convince them to move to Ohio but they don’t want to leave their younger brother (87) even though he has 4 Kids local.
@doschicos she doesn’t necessarily drive erratically but she is very hard of hearing, and won’t regularly wear her hearing aids. Recently she has locked her keys in the car, on several occasions. As far as I’m concerned, that’s enough to take her keys.
Of course my mom is being a wuss, so I guess I’m going to have to be the bad guy.
This would be easier if they would agree to move to close to my mom but you know how stubborn they can be.
Meaning that the older sister is a better driver?
If the key is locked in the car, wouldn’t that solve the problem itself (i.e. now she cannot drive the car because the key is inaccessible)?
" she doesn’t necessarily drive erratically but she is very hard of hearing, and won’t regularly wear her hearing aids. Recently she has locked her keys in the car, on several occasions. As far as I’m concerned, that’s enough to take her keys."
I live in SW Florida. This describes over 50% of the drivers on the road here (and the other 50% are mostly tourists who don’t know where they’re going - fun times!) People of all ages sometimes lock their keys in the car. It is not good that she doesn’t always wear her hearing aids, but that in an of itself wouldn’t be a reason I’d take this drastic step. Unless she’s driving erratically or having small fender benders - look around her car for scrapes - the state licensing board wouldn’t take her license away either.
Wow, this is really not how I thought I’d react when I saw this thread title. Almost every day on the road I see people whose relatives should step in and have this hard talk. But in this case it seems a little premature, especially given the consequences of potential isolation and family discord.
@milee30 I guess I didn’t give enough details, it’s not premature in my opinion. She has locked her keys in the car probably three times in the last 60 days with the car running. She has now lost the spare key to the car. There have been no fender benders but the last time my mom was with her she insisted my mom was going the wrong way. The destination was some place my grandmother has been to a million times. So all of these things added together has me convinced she needs to stop driving. The only reason there hasn’t been an accident is that she doesn’t drive frequently. She probably only has 7000 miles on a car thats 10 years old
We have an 85year old relative. She drives to church and the grocery store…and that’s pretty much it. She is not a great driver…but she doesn’t drive often…or far.
She just bought a NEW car.
I think you should let your mom, her daughter, handle this.
@ thumper1 my mom wants her to stop driving and is bugging me about it. My mom only had two siblings, and they are both deceased. I am an only child so pretty much everything is left up to me and my mom.
The problem is my great aunt is lobbying hard for us not to take the keys. As someone mentioned in the other thread, I would never forgive myself if something happened. Statistically chances are low because she just doesn’t drive that much, but all it takes is one time.
I would say a couple of things. First, if possible, let them keep their license. In many cases it’s their identity – like being in the phone book, they are someone. With my older folks, keys hasn’t been that big of a problem. And today, Uber is your friend. They can have as much or more freedom without the hassle of driving.
It sounds like she is having some cognition problems that are new, and she should be taken to the doctors.
Is this for you or her?
Unless there is a real immediate problem–joyriding in a mental fog or a physical limitation that she just ignores making her a real road hazard–I’d wait.
My dad is 95 and still tinkers with his car. It’s always ready to go. Doesn’t drive unless it’s just down the block and he isn’t a hazard (he’s actually pretty good!). Siblings do the driving.
Age is relative.
My mom who couldn’t drive for years because she was sick NEVER wanted to give up her license. It was a crisis at renewal time or getting her eyes checked. Didn’t matter that she wasn’t going to drive, had trouble walking, couldn’t see that well etc. But to her it was a symbol of independence that meant MUCH more than the actual ability.
Kept her keys close even though she didn’t need or ever use them.
I would never had brought it up–but I didn’t need to–she wasn’t going anywhere so no problem existed on that front.
It was difficult at the time to figure out what the big deal was with my mom–but we grew up in different times. My background now includes Uber and an easy call to get somewhere. We’ve got cell phones and can call people. My parents.didn’t get that experience. If you didn’t drive, you were STUCK especially in rural areas.
So very much tied to independence.
What options exist in her area for rides absent the older sister? Uber/Lyft (not in all areas), taxi, senior services that provide rides? I wouldn’t take away the car/license without exploring and informing of other options/services available besides relying on her older sister who may not be able to drive much longer herself.
Ugh this is so stressful, I really wish they would just move. It would make life much simpler.
A few years back, I informed them that if one of them passes the other one HAS to move. My great aunt then said ,” well I hope I die first”. That’s how much they don’t want to move !
“My great aunt however doesn’t want this because doesn’t feel like dealing with the fallout.”
There WILL be fallout. Listen to your great aunt. Until it’s actually a current problem don’t create one.
They’re fortunate they have each other, really.
Bless you for taking this on. A 90-ish year old driver hit a 70-ish year old bicyclist in my area last year. The driver was so flustered she hit the gas instead of the brakes when the initial contact happened. Bike and rider were dragged along until the bike wedged under the car forcing it to stop. It was a horrible accident scene.
It only takes one mistake to turn that regular trip to the store into a tragedy. Yes, seniors value their independence, but not all seniors should be driving.
@AroundHere my sentiments exactly.
@doschicos yes, they have lived in a two family my entire life, so it was like having two grandmothers. My great aunt only had one child, and he passed a few years back, so my mom and I feel responsible for her as well. As I mentioned they have a brother there, who has four kids in the area, other than the daughter, they are worthless. We hate to bug her because my great uncles wife has dementia so she is busy tending to her own parents.
Honestly if one of them passes I don’t expect the other to be around much longer. She will probably grieve herself to death.