@surfcity - I am so sorry that happened to your dad.
My in-laws aren’t necessarily “rich,” but they are comfortable. And would definitely have enough assets to be worth suing.
Well, in a family I could name but won’t…
The fear of being sued didn’t deter the unsafe driver. But fear of losing inheritance may have been what pushed an otherwise reluctant adult child to agree to the needed action. You use what you have to use.
Sometimes discussing financial incentives might help. In the link above, it mentions Mature Driver Safety Courses and that you can get a discount on insurance. Maybe it could be discussed as ‘I signed you up for the driving safety course so you can get a big discount!!’
My DH & his brother took away their Dad’s car, he was in his late 90s, had been moved from his home, had had some small strokes and was not safe to drive. He disagreed. He did call the police and report DH for stealing his car, funny since the brother was the last one there, the one who actually hid it. DH had to have conversations with the police, FIL wanted him arrested. He was angry about it for months and, sadly, the home & the doctor at the home would not provide a letter to the DMV, nor would his PCP, nor any specialist. They basically said they did not get involved in driving matters.
DH & I, SIL & BIL all signed the DMV form to report him, but about 6 weeks later, the next time someone visited, we got him to sign the title to sell it. But, oh my, what a fight and with no third party assistance, though the police were quite nice about it!
My mother took one of those mature driver courses. She was not yet unsafe, but they provided some interesting pointers for things you could do. The one I remember is to plan your routes so there are no left turns, it’s okay to take a little longer.
I had to convince my mother to stop driving 20 months ago. It then became my job to find people to drive her. I found that women who work as nannies often had free time during the day when children were in school. Not perfect coverage, so she has to take taxis at times, as accessing Uber would not be an option. I now have caregivers coming in a few days a week because I feel more comfortable having someone walk her from the front door to the car, since the taxi driver does not get out of the car.
It was not an easy discussion, but I tried the usual array of asking her how she would feel if she killed or maimed someone and also pointing out the annual savings by giving away the car.
I order her groceries and have them delivered weekly. The drug store will usually deliver prescriptions, and Amazon covers many other items.
Good luck…it’s a process.
Here’s how we ultimately ended the battle; maybe it will help someone else whose parents are moving:
At about the time we were having the fight about Dad’s driving, we were also moving them from WA to CA, to live in an AL near me. A quick check of the California DMV website revealed that they’d have to get licensed within 10 days of moving, and that a road test would be involved (usually waived, but they didn’t need to know that). I gave them that information, and that ended the discussion once and for all. They sold the car before moving down here.
I feel I almost risked my life by taking him out for a test drive. Fortunately it ended with a small single car accident which didn’t hurt anyone. I took the keys as I would never drive with him again and therefore, nobody on the road or my parents should be subjected to his driving. For those of you who want the doctor to take away the keys, you will still need to drive with your parent and provide evidence. A phone call about suspicions is not enough. You will need to arrive with your elder and give actual evidence. As a primary care provider, I wonder why adult children, who don’t want their parent to drive, have no trouble with them driving to the doctor’s office.
Taking away the keys is really hard. My dad had a 5 second memory, but he remembered me taking away his keys for the next year (now late stage dementia so no orientation). But, it is part of arranging care and maintaining a safe environment for an elderly relative. The doctor can facilitate this, but the relatives need to be the decision makers.
With cameras on phones so ubiquitous, how about taking a video of the parent in question driving or even trying to park, pull out, etc? Maybe seeing it on tape will convince at least some parents to stop driving and, if not, it’s evidence for the doctor or the DMV.
Another option is to ask the senior to take a class like this one. That is what I suggested to my mom, after being hospitalized for over a month, I told her I thought she might need a “refresher” class. She agreed but somehow never wanted to take it when I asked. I think she knew she would not do well.
https://www.thedefensivedrivingacademy.com/Senior_Programs.html
Here is another program that I considered: https://www.mossrehab.com/driving
we set up a physical and then family meeting with her internist who she completely trusts. Doc told her she is going to have to stop driving and she didn’t put up an argument.
Also look into an umbrella policy. Many come with (or have available) a rider for uninsured motorists in addition to the normal umbrella coverage for lawsuits against you. I hope to g*d we never need it, but we have $1 million coverage if someone in our family is injured by an uninsured motorist.
Update: Went to visit my grandma last week and took the keys. She is not a happy camper but it’s for the best. For now the car is parked I just have to make time to get back up there to pick up the car.
I should add cognitively there has been a decline and though she put up a fight we had to take the keys. Honestly I can’t believe she was still driving, I should’ve taken them sooner.
I’m very relieved that the CCRC told my relative he couldn’t have a car at the CCRC, so he has all of us drive him where he and spouse want to go.
It was too hard for the older siblings to take the car, so it was wonderful that the CCRC did. Everyone is happy to provide whatever transportation is desired.
Good for you @partyof5 Even though it’s not easy, it’s the right thing to do.
In took my mother to a rehab for an OT to test her for driving- cognitive tests and road test. She failed. They took her license. That way I avoided blame. I convinced her to go by saying that either she could prove she was fine or not- it appealed to her pride. Surprisingly after a week of anger she forgot about it.
I’m lucky. My dad won’t totally ADMIT he shouldn’t drive…but very happy take all possible alternatives so that it just doesn’t happen. Hope it stays that way.
@gouf78, although he didn’t acknowledge that he wouldn’t get behind the wheel again, my dad stopped driving after he got lost one day.
My parents came to visit for several days earlier this month. My mom’s memory is starting to go. Dad seems to recognize the severity of it, mom only a little bit. She doesn’t understand why dad got a message to her doctor asking that the doctor test her. I know she does a lot of their driving. I asked dad if he was comfortable with her driving and he said yes, why wouldn’t I be fine with her driving? Now I need to figure out a way to see if her driving really is fine for now.