I mentioned it before, but a geriatric social worker can really help families prepare for and deal with all sorts of transitions that will inevitably come.
I would like to thank everyone for your feedback and suggestions. It has been so helpful! I swear CC parent cafe is a wealth of information. I hardly used it for the college stuff, but the parent forum has been invaluable.
We took grandma’s key and she has not stopped complaining for the last five years. It probably saved lives. It was the right thing to do. My cousin’s daughter was travelling to a music event when an older man entered the highway at the wrong ramp. Drove into there bus and killed all of the kids except two. My cousin’s daughter (an only child) ended up with some brain damage.
Not to hijack the thread – I think this is somewhat apropos – but I was followed home by an elderly man today. Followed me for about a mile and a half, right to the circle on which I live.
I normally drive pretty expeditiously on my way home from work, and around town today there was some sort of running event going on and several key blocks of main roads were shut down, so traffic was heavier than usual. There is a two-lane road where the left lane ends in a left-turn only, and the right lane goes straight. Most go straight, so this lane was backed up. Since either going straight or turning left can get me home, I passed the long line of cars in the righ lane and took the left turn.
Near the front of that right-lane line, a car began to attempt to pull out in front of me. I swerved around him (a foot or two…), thought nothing of it, and proceeded to turn left.
As I did my customary 40(ish – 30 or 35 zone) after the turn, I looked up and there he was. No big deal; maybe he just decided to make that turn after all.
So we go a few blocks and make a right onto one of the main north/south roads on the west side of town. Every time we have to stop/start, I pull quite a bit ahead, but he catches up. Through a big light, still on my tail (once he finds his gas pedal). Turning left onto a much less busy road, he makes a dangerous turn (car coming) just to stay with me. I’m stuck behind someone reading a book, apparently, and he is stuck behind me. Now I turn onto our little circle, where I know every car, and he is on my tail. I drive around and around the circle (it’s maybe two blocks in circumference) until I don’t see him anymore, and then one more time (still not in my rear view), and then I finally put up the garage door and park.
That was messed up. Was he just mad that I flew past everyone in the backed-up right lane? Whatever it was, he was elderly and not terribly happy with me. I was laughing until he followed me onto my circle – then I was angry, but i wasn’t going to show a disturbed person which house was ours…
So – this guy was slow on the gas, telling me that speed is not his usual thing… but then he would floor it to catch up to me. Anyhow – I might take away his keys. 
I’m 63, and I hate driving after dark when the roads are crowded. I just don’t see at night as well as I used to. But I still work, which means I have to drive home from work after dark in the winter in rush hour traffic conditions. It scares me every day. There’s no mass transit alternative, and even if there were, I wouldn’t be able to use it because I have to have a car in case of unexpected client meetings at the client’s site during the day. I’ve worked out a route home that minimizes congested areas and complex intersections (and, unfortunately, takes about 15 minutes longer), but that’s really not an adequate solution to the problem.
I’m actually thinking about retiring earlier than I had planned because of this. I don’t know whether I can get through another winter of rush hour driving in the dark.
Whatever kind of undiagnosed dementia FIL had, it was the kind that the patient doesn’t know he is sick. So he thought he was fine to drive. Even after his stroke, as soon as he was home from in-patient rehab, he was ready to drive against doctor’s orders. We hid the key in the house, so that other family members could use the car to take him to appointments as needed. Then BIL gave him the keys back, because he never could stand up to his dad. So DH had to remove the keys from the house, permanently. FIL never forgave him, and insisted to the end that all of his doctors told him he could drive. (They said no such thing).
The point of all that is that sometimes it’s hard and you have to be the bad guy. And the parent/grandparent may never admit that it is time to stop driving.
I was the bad guy a couple weeks ago when I told FIL that he cannot drive anymore due to a prescription he is taking. I told MIL that she cannot allow him to get behind the wheel. I know it’s a devastating blow to FIL’s independence, but they need to deal with reality. My great-aunt refused to stop driving when she should have, and no one took away the keys. She seriously injured a 16 year old, but the family still turned a blind eye to the fact that she kept driving. She ended up crashing her car and did not survive. It is really, really hard to make people do/not do things against their will, but sometimes there is no rational excuse not to do so.
I have done this because it wasn’t safe anymore (I rode with the person to be sure).
I have two questions. Where are her kids? They should be handling this with mom (if alive, and nearby). They should explain why she should not drive (which you didn’t say, unless it was in a later comment).
Also: Will she remember? In my case it was a relative who was having memory issues due to medication. I never said a word. I just took the keys home. It was not an issue, as she didn’t go out a whole lot anyway. I came to visit several times a week and brought what was needed.
“Powercropper: We faced this situation with my mom several years ago. My brother took her car “to get a scheduled service” from the dealership. Mom was furious to find out a few days later that the car was gone forever.”
What did I just read? Wow, I’d be pissed too. It’s one thing to take or hide the keys, if necessary, but another altogether to just dispose of her car. I guess he had POA though. Maybe you mean you told Mom but she just had short term memory loss, which would be another thing altogether than just swiping her car.
Thumper, you had a wise dad, who knew his limits. Laughing at the hair-raising experience. Oh yeah…been there, done that. Got a lot of white hairs that day.
" Party of 5: Recently she has locked her keys in the car, on several occasions. As far as I’m concerned, that’s enough to take her keys."
Seriously? That’s it? She didn’t take out the garage door or a mailbox, have an accident, or drive 80 in a 25?
That seems excessive. And unless she is incompetent, it isn’t your call. Besides, as someone else said above, if she locks the keys in the car - which many young people have done, by the way - she can’t go anywhere until she pays a locksmith to get them out. That will get old quickly.
“Consolation: She drives around the area, maybe within a 15-mile radius at most. This March she went to the DMV to renew her license, and they gave her a 10-year renewal! She couldn’t believe that they didn’t even want her take an eye test, and asked about it.”
Laughing at the inherent optimism of giving a 95 year old a 10 year license renewal! Wow!!! We don’t even do that for anyone. Longest license renewals here are 6 years.
"Partyof5:Well when you only have one child and one grandchild, and we are the only family who can look after you, unfortunately I do have to inform her. She lives in a major city, and not the best neighborhood so there is no way in hell, if my aunt passes that my grandma could be up there alone. Yep she will be informed that she is moving to either live with or near my mom. "
No, you don’t get to “inform” any competent adult of what she “is required” to do. You can make suggestions. You can certainly make alternatives palatable. But if she wants to stay in her house - as almost all older people do - she can do that, assuming she can pay the bills, of course.
"Thumper: Please…think about moving an over 90 year old very very carefully.
My mom died about 6 months after the move. "
THIS, THIS, THIS!
I can hardly believe some of what I am reading here.
We are in a little different but just as frustrating situation with my 86 year old mother. She is very frail and uses a walker even just around her apartment. She lives in a senior assisted living complex. She drives her car only once or twice a week and for very short distances. Her reaction time has noticeably slowed down and she been in two accidents in the past five years.
She pays a monthly fee to her senior complex that includes transportation but she won’t use it. At the same time she complains bitterly about how much her monthly fees have increased (she’s on a fixed income) but is paying $$ for car insurance, maintenance, registration… for a car she doesn’t really need and really shouldn’t be driving. I did the math for her and even if she took a taxi cab everywhere she normally drives it would be cheaper than keeping her car (and safer!).
Her latest issue is dealing with the grocery store. She tries to park near the shopping carts and uses the cart instead of her walker. Last week she fell after trying to return the cart. Thankfully there were two men near by to help her get up and she wasn’t badly hurt. Mind you this is at a store that asks every single person, “would you like help outside with your grocery’s” and my mom always says no! Grrr…
I agree that seniors need to be treated with respect and allowed to make decisions that impact their lives. That said,…
I think we’d all choose a nice quick heart attack in our own home over being forced to move but the reality is not always that sanguine. I’ve heard too many stories of seniors who have a bad fall in their home then lie there for two days in pain until they’re discovered by the visiting nurse or a welfare check. Not all seniors, particularly those suffering from dementia, are able to be rational about their needs.
Last year one of my parents had a series of health crises which required constant attention. They were in and out of the hospital and I or one of my siblings needed to be at their bedside 24/7 over the course of months. The other parent wasn’t able to make decisions based on the complex and quickly changing information we were receiving and we kids caught symptoms of medical emergencies the elders just weren’t aware of or equipped to handle. If my parents didn’t live near enough for us to visit them on a daily basis I’m convinced that parent would no longer be with us.
Of course the ideal would be to allow seniors to age in place with support, but support can be extremely costly, and making the decision to move someone ideally takes place when they’re relatively healthy, not in the midst of an emergency.
Sometimes there really is no choice.
(This applies to my thinking about driving as well. The ideal is to help the bad senior driver to realize their skills have deteriorated and give up their license but there are people who for the same reasons they’ve become dangerous drivers don’t realize it. The latter are a danger to themselves and others, and it would be irresponsible of their kids not to act in their best interest.)
@TranquilMind I don’t appreciate your tone. It would behoove you to read all of my responses because locking her keys in the car was not the only reason I want her stop driving. It’s not normal to continually lock your keys in the car with your car running. It’s not normal to forget how to go some place that you’ve been a million times.
It’s not safe to drive when you refuse to wear your hearing aids and you can’t hear. Also she has access to transportation as my great aunt lives there with a car and still drives fine wven though she is older.
So as I’ve said, I’ve gotten a lot of great suggestions but what sticks out are the stories of elderly drivers that have injured others on this thread. Why would I wait for that to happen? She may be fine with driving until she isn’t.
Perhaps the American cultural mentality of “driving your own car = your freedom” is also a factor. Even when other means of transportation are less expensive, more convenient, and safer, many people prefer to drive their own cars.
Partyof5, I have now read all of your responses, though I had not when I responded to your first response. You must be aware how this is coming across. Even if you have been named POA, that power doesn’t begin until she is incompetent. You don’t have any power now, but you are acting as if you do.
I’ve been the caregiver (who had POA); I’m not just talking into the wind here. You just don’t order older people to move because it is more convenient for you. She can live where she wants as long as she wants, assuming she can pay the bills, of course. Also if she has any money at all, you can hire someone to come in and help her out a few hours a week. That’s an option that solves many problems and is completely affordable, especially in comparison to moving or nursing homes.
BTW, I have known few people who have never ever even once in their lives locked their keys in their car - yes, even running - because they just weren’t thinking.
“I am not quite 60 and no longer drive at night.”
“Having been on the forum for many application cycles, I can say that it happens a lot. Every year. Maybe even I did it myself early on.”
Have you talked to your eye doctors to see if it is an issue that might be fixable?