" I think that could tax an elder more than doing 50 mph in the right lane of a highway."
Yes, but it’s incredibly dangerous for both the slow driver and the other cars on the highway to have cars moving at speeds significantly slower than the prevailing traffic. Trust me, as someone who lives somewhere that regularly sees these things, it’s not safe at all to drive 50 mph on the highway no matter what lane you’re in. And when the accidents happen on the highway, the outcome is more likely to be fatal.
Neither my kids nor I have ridden in a car driven by my MIL in about 25 years. She has always been a rather awful driver. I just decided it was NOT necessary to be in a car with her a long time ago.
There was no doctor on the planet who would have declared her incompetent…she was about 60…and just a bad driver. Didn’t judge distances well. Jerky starts and stops. Didn’t quite stop at the stop signs. Rode the brake…you know that kind of driver. Just not good to be in a car with.
Everyone is different, but if someone has difficulty driving, I don’t care if they are going 100 miles or one. I don’t want them on the road. My Dad never hit anyone, was never involved in a 2 car accident, but he did get confused and did end up with many dents and scratches on his car. I could not live with myself if he killed or maimed someone. Most accidents happen close to home. And while he was pissed when we took his car away, we provided him with ways to get around. (hired someone to drive him daily). Best we could do. I have already thought about this and will live in my old age in a place I can walk or take Uber easily.
My MIL was not an incompetent driver…she never got lost…never hit anyone…she was just an awful driver. There are lots of awful drivers out there…and not all of them are elderly. My point was…no doctor would have said she was not competent to DRIVE.
My relative is soon to be 88, drives a Porsche and is an excellent driver. He would be very unhappy to give up driving just due to his age. Both my parents died in their 70’s so I didn’t have to address the issue. I don’t think my H will want to address the issue when the time comes with his parents.
The Wall Street Journal today has an excellent article addressing both the driving and independent living issues from both sides: Aging Parents Resist Helicopter Children.
Crux of the article has experts advising kids to be patient and err on side of fostering continued respect and independence (even though it’s hard and scary.)
@doschicos, I can’t read that article without subscribing.
Maybe since I can’t read the article, I’m misreading the gist as quoted above. But sorry, I don’t think anyone should “err” in this regard. If there is a safety issue, that should trump all else. Yes, respect is key, and no one should assume a person is not a safe driver based on age alone. But allowing a person who shows signs of being dangerous on the road to continue to drive because this takes away their independence or makes them feel a loss of control-I’m not on board with that.
@Nrdsb4 I had no problem reading it without subscribing. Perhaps try another browser. It is what it is with WSJ.
The article doesn’t encourage not stepping in for dangerous things like driving beyond the point of one’s ability to do so safely but it is worth reading as it talks about other ways in which adult children can be overbearing or infantilize their aging parents.
I have been following this thread with interest. It’s a very personal topic for each family; maybe our experience will help someone (or maybe not). Mum was 70 when D was born. For a good 10 years after that, she would drive in to our house from her apartment (about 20 miles away) on Sundays after church for lunch and a visit (she loved my grilled pepper jack sandwiches). She recognized over the years that her skills were dropping, and set up her own rules: she started leaving for home in time to beat the dark (and ultimately to beat dusk); she would skip the visit on bad weather days; and she was very good about pulling over on two-lane roads if someone wanted to drive faster than her. We started “the talk” when she was in her 80s but she kept driving until 91 or thereabouts. When she acknowledged that she was uncomfortable on the freeway, that was a definite sign. We took over bringing her out and then back home (visiting our house was more fun for her than us going to her apartment). She still drove around town to get her groceries and such, but then there was the time she scraped the minivan in the next space over at her building while parking and was completely unaware of what she had done. (In her defense, they had just given her a new parking space nearer the elevator, and there was not lot of clearance – and the other tenant was very nice and just talked to the management, who called me.) It took a year after that before she accepted that it was time to move into assisted living, and she still wanted to drive, but I had to tell her that it was not an option. She lived until almost 97 (1921-2018) – and complained until the end about having lost her freedom and her ability to get around without having to use the d*** (her word) transportation at her place, but at that point she was falling frequently and nodding off unexpectedly, so having her blame me for that was a price I was willing to pay. We probably let her drive a bit longer than we should have, but the day I finally took her keys and drove her car away to donate it was a very sad day. One of the few things that always hit home (my trump card) was reminding her about when she had refused to let Grandpa drive me any more and when she, my dad, and her sister had made him stop driving. ATS
FIL died at 66, my father at 83, and MIL at 82. My mother is 88 this year. She stopped driving about four years ago, before she ever had any problems or accidents. I’d made it a point to get in the car with her and she was careful and aware. But she had a major illness that began with seizures and unconsciousness. The tipping point for her was that she was diagnosed with a UTI the day before she got sick and didn’t / still doesn’t remember the drive to pick up her prescription. She still speaks with horror at the idea that she “could have killed someone.” I take her to all her appointments, run all her errands, take her on outings. When it gets a little overwhelming I take a breath and let myself feel gratitude for the current arrangement.
My father was mule-headed to the very end. Mowed grass in the hot sun because it had to be done-right-then and he was the only one who could do it right, that sort of thing. But he was an absolute lamb about handing my mother the keys, again before anyone else noticed a problem with his driving.
Both my parents kept / are keeping their license active, but as a symbol rather than intent to take the wheel.
MIL – and this is where I wish we’d done things differently – was also as conscientious as she felt was possible. She limited her driving, and I made myself available to pick things up for her or take her to appointments. She did miscalculate how early it would get dark one New England winter day and grazed a tree on her property with her side view mirror. No injuries, but she was shaken up and intimidated by the insurance process. It was actually an early sign of her deterioration, because she’d always been very assertive and capable. I guess I wish I’d gotten even more involved about getting her to and from places so she wouldn’t have had to be behind the wheel at all.
The elders in my family were all cooperative, and I realize our great good fortune there. We’re also lucky to live in the same area as our parents. I’m not sure I have anything helpful for the OP. I just posted what we ran into in case it helps someone else in assessing their own situation.
There is another option. Let her die in her own house if she wants to. It’s her life.
From what you say, it sounds as if she might actually enjoy living in your area, near other family members. But it should be her choice. Surely you could go through the steps of having her come for a visit, talk about it, look at options of places to live, rather than simply “informing her” as if she were a tiny child. One uses more diplomacy with a 5 yr old.
My mother subscribes to the WSJ. I’ll have to ask her if she read the article.
@Consolation You’ve stated your opinion and I disagree. I’m not leaving her to die alone, in one of the snowiest cities in the US, with no family near, . Sometimes the elderly don’t get to have their way and family must do what is best. As long as her sister is around I don’t have to worry though I would prefer they both move.
I hear you loud and clear. My mom WAS declining…for a number of years…and we knew it. We hire someone to help her three times a week…person took her out, cooked, cleaned.
We went to visit a lot more often. After 9/11, she refused to get on a plane.
So…we finally had to sort of force my mom to move nearer to us. We were happy about that…more time to see her grandkids too. BUT the move was very very hard for her. She left behind a lifetime of memories, and knowing where everything was. She was totally out of her element and never regained her stride…even wit seeing us every day.
Please…think about moving an over 90 year old very very carefully.
My friend’s dad is 99 years old and still drives from NY to Florida, to visit his 60 year old son who no longer drives due to vision issues from diabetes. I think he recently stopped driving at night, except locally. My MIL, OTOH, gave up her license when my oldest son got his permit because she wanted to give him her car., she was 80. I am not quite 60 and no longer drive at night. In fact, I very rarely drive at all anymore and would like to live some place with good public transit and an elder transport system. I was never a very comfortable driver and am happy to allow H, my kids and friends drive me around.
OTOH, H’s cousins refused to take away their dad’s car despite his dementia - until the day he drove away and was found two days later in Atlantic City with no idea of how he got there. Since then, they tell him the car is in the shop or one of the grandkids has borrowed it.
It’s a very individual decision, but I actually think that states should institute road tests for people above a certain age and give them limited licenses or take them away altogether. Some people can drive locally or during the day or on local roads, some can drive as well as they ever did and some shouldn’t be driving at all and I think it might be easier if there was an objective standard to judge by.