Time to take grandparents keys

Parent Cafe
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We lucked out a little bit on this. At 84, my mother in law already had a dementia diagnosis, but she lived in a rural area and she was very isolated. It was half a mile from her condominium to the nearest public road. Her entire life revolved around driving, and there were no relatives within 80 miles. By the time she stopped driving, it was already four years since the last time any of her children or grandchildren had gotten into a car with her behind the wheel, but she was still driving hundreds of miles to visit them. She had already decided to move to live near us when she started to get lost periodically – driving aimlessly for up to an hour, then relying on help from strangers to get her home. When she moved, she fully intended to keep driving. But we went into gruesome (and only somewhat) exaggerated detail with her about what it would cost to park and to insure her car in the big city. (It would have been her largest expense after rent.) She reluctantly agreed to sell her car before she moved.

My mother and my father-in-law both had medical conditions (Parkinson’s and a leg amputation) that stopped them from driving before they became dangerous. There was a bright line, none of this gray area, and they knew they had to rearrange their lives on a new basis. My father-in-law could have learned to drive with a prosthesis or with special controls, but he never did.

My father was the tough one. He had been getting into small accidents regularly for years. His firm moved, and didn’t give him a parking space in the new office. My sister, who lived a few blocks from him, hadn’t gotten him to give up his keys definitively, but had gotten him to cut way back on his driving. Sadly, he might still be alive if he had driven himself to the hospital after falling and hitting his head while on warfarin. He had a couple of hours of lucidity before uncontrolled brain bleeding and swelling put him in a coma, most of which he spent trying to contact my sister and waiting for her to drive him to the ER. By the time he got there, it was too late to do anything.

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@JHS sorry about your dad.

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This is genius.

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He did not want to call the ambulance to go to the ER?

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Not for OP because it sounds like her grandmother’s issues are more significant, but for an older person who is still capable of driving I’d recommend a car similar to what I bought for my D when she first started to drive. It has
blind spot warnings, auto brake, and warnings (that will brake you) if you are in reverse and someone is in back of you. I’m sure these things aren’t perfect , but they are very, very helpful. I’ve been trying to convince my parents to get these assists in their next car, but they’ve been reluctant because of the added cost. When my D goes to college in the Fall, I’m going to let my parents drive her car for a couple of weeks and see how great these things are. They are still good drivers, but at their age you know the next car is the last car.

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It isn’t easy getting a parent or relative to stop driving. My sister and I both knew that dad needed to be off the road and had discussed it several times. Fate made it easier. At license renewal time, he failed his vision test. Since he wouldn’t do anything for himself (fully capable) he asked my sister to make an eye doc appointment. She told him to do it, knowing that most likely he wouldn’t, and that she would take him. So his license expired. He then let his car insurance lapse and his plate sticker. He kept the keys and the vehicle, just didn’t drive (that we know of).

When my elderly neighbor got lost driving, her children decided that was enough. Her son took her car to “work on it” and never bought it back. She would comment to me about wishing her son would bring back her car. I would just smile and reassure her that he will when he gets it fixed.

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Looking at this from the senior’s perspective makes me very sympathetic. At an advanced age the loss of one’s ability to drive, and the independence it brings, is irreversible. It’s an indicator of the things they will never again be able to do. Knowing that for the rest of your life you will continually have to depend on someone else is hard for someone who has always been self-sufficient. It’s also difficult for some seniors to deal with the role reversal with their kids this kind of issue highlights. No one really likes to be treated like a child, so the more you can do to help the senior see this as their decision the more they’re likely to be satisfied with the outcome.

For people who live near their proud independent relatives (I know the OP doesn’t) you might try making it less convenient for them to drive than not. A few posters upthread had stories of taking the car for “repairs” or not helping with renewals. If you combine that with satisfying their needs without them having to drive you may be able to get them to give up the car. Try inviting them out to lunch once a week and stopping by the pharmacy to pick something up on the way over (“Grandma, how about I pick up your prescriptions on the way?”) and a stop at the grocery store on the way back (“I need milk and eggs. Why don’t we get your groceries as long as we’re here?”)

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@surfcity – When I wrote those comments I didn’t know if her having keys to a car was a real problem. Or if just keeping up the facade that she CAN drive but just chooses not to (like my mom and aunt)–and lets sister drive instead as the better choice.

As you can see from some of the stories here like “took your car to get it fixed”, blaming it on other parties–the doctor, DMV whomever is a better option— as long as it’s NOT you as the “bad” guy.

As for “is this for her or you?” question. I think that was fair…
Some people think anybody “old” is a road hazard–but that really depends on where you live and traffic conditions, cognitive ability and physical health. Around here speeding motorcycles and crazy drivers dodging in and out of heavy traffic are a much bigger road hazard to everyone rather than most of our elderly population.

My dad is 95 and yep I’d let my kids ride with him–but he’d much rather be driven around and enjoy the ride. He’s a realist–if he couldn’t drive he’d get over it, but I certainly would NOT be the one to tell him. I’d let a doctor or someone else do that for me.
In the meantime I look around for alternatives that work , neighbors who volunteer to “pick up something at the grocery store for him” ,Uber works on computer, Walmart has computer ordering and you can get uber to pick up your order for you, taxi services, senior service transportation. Fortunately we’re able to most driving for him and get him out of the house.

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My 86 year old mom is at least as good a driver as she was in her 30’s. When I was a child she was a speeding, distracted driver. Now she puts much more care and concentration into her driving. Both my parents still drive so I know we’ll have to deal with this at some point. Luckily they’ve move to a senior living community which provides many amenities, including a shuttle to area stores and entertainment.

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Perhaps a decade in the future, self-driving cars will solve the problem, at least for those with enough money to buy them (presumably including the predominant demographic on these forums that self-describes as the “middle class but no financial aid donut hole”).

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Guess states do have varying license restrictions. Another 90 y/o aunt (I’ve got a long-lived family!) has a “restricted” license–no highway driving and no driving after dark. Which is perfect for her–she’s in a small rural area and really only needs to get to the grocery store so she’s happy with that.

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He was lucid but didn’t call 911?

That’s a sad story. Condolences.

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Many senior citizens do self-limit their driving, such as avoiding driving at night due to declining night vision.

However, cognitive issues may not be self-detected the way declining night vision is self-detected.

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My 95-yr-old mother lives in a non-walkable area (in terms of walking to errands) with no public transportation. She is also a very good driver, and always has been. She has never had an accident, no fender-benders, no mysterious dings, never gets lost. My sister and I drive with her once or twice a year when we are visiting, to observe, and her driving is normal.

Nevertheless, she chooses not to drive with her great-grandchildren in the car; although they come and stay with her regularly, she has their parents bring them. Although she has never had the slightest problem, she doesn’t want to be responsible for their safety on the highway Until recently, she would go into NYC and babysit for one of my nieces upon occasion, but she wouldn’t drive into the city herself: they would come and get her. (Recently she decided that caring for 3 little children, the youngest of whom is now a mobile toddler, is too much for her! Ya think?)

She drives around the area, maybe within a 15-mile radius at most. This March she went to the DMV to renew her license, and they gave her a 10-year renewal! She couldn’t believe that they didn’t even want her take an eye test, and asked about it. Nope. (She sees an eye doctor regularly, so if her vision changed we’d know.)

So she is very safe, responsible, and rational about her driving. I really don’t know what will happen if she outlives her ability to drive.

Talk about forcing people to move against their will and other suggestions that old people can and almost should be treated like children raises my hackles. I think that if my mother wants to continue living in her own house and taking care of herself she should be free to do so, as long as no one else is endangered. If she someday has a fall and isn’t found right away because no one else is there, so be it. It is her life and her free will.

I realize that she is not your average 95 yr old.

OP, it sounds to me as if your grandmother has just passed the brink of the point at which driving, even locally, is unwise. I think that you and your mother need to sit down with her and have a conversation, or conversations, about her responsibility to others and gain her consent to giving up her license. The fact that she has other transportation options that can make her independent should help.

I really don’t think you should be pressuring them to give up their home and local friends and family, at least not based on what you have shared here. It’s their life, their choice.

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@Consolation we never pressured her to give up her home. However I did inform them that if one of them passes the other will have to move especially if my great aunt is the first to go. My aunt would probably be fine without my grandma, but not the other way around. Honestly I don’t expect either to live long after the other. They are just that close.

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See, I just don’t think you get to “inform them” of that. I know you mean well.

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Well when you only have one child and one grandchild, and we are the only family who can look after you, unfortunately I do have to inform her. She lives in a major city, and not the best neighborhood so there is no way in hell, if my aunt passes that my grandma could be up there alone. Yep she will be informed that she is moving to either live with or near my mom.

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No, she could choose to live in assisted living or a nursing home, or choose to live in a condominium near her friend’s and arrange for help to come in. Lots of choices. As long as she is mentally competent she controls her destiny. Of course, if you would talk with her respectfully and tell her why you it would be more convenient for you to have her live close to you or your mother, she might agree.

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If she is going to move to an assisted living facility she can move to one near us. We have a ton of longevity in our family. My grandmother has 7 first cousins in the city where I’m from, and she speaks to them regularly. She would love to be near them. I cannot be more clear. She has lived with her sister for over 60 years, always in a two family. She does everything with her sister. There is no way she would want to stay there without her sister being there. Nor would we let her because she is clearly declining and there is no one there. She is very suspicious and would never let a home aid in her home. They also live in a city that gets a TON of snow, think top 5 cities that get snow. . And yes , right now, she and her 91 year old sister still shovel. So yes, I can ask her, but on the off chance she doesn’t want to move, we would force her.

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@gouf78 thanks for clarifying. And I don’t necessarily think age should be a limiting factor alone. Although I do think the vast majority of people at a certain age are just slower on the reflexes, no matter how sharp they are.

I’m not sure how I feel about limited drivers licenses. I agree that no driving after dark may be valid. But no highway driving is a little puzzling. I often find it harder and more cognitively challenging to drive on suburban roads that are four lanes, with turning signals and so forth. I think that could tax an elder more than doing 50 mph in the right lane of a highway.