But is she driving? Or does her sister do the driving (which you say is okay)?
@gouf78 She still drives. Most times she is with her sister, and sister is driving. Sometimes she does things on her own and drives her car.
I’m not sure Uber is going to work. That requires a smart phone and an account to be set up with credit card. Most 90 year olds are not that tech savvy. Another type of service, reached with a phone call, would be better.
We were struggling with this same issue for my Dad who lived alone. Suddenly, a letter arrived from DMV suspending his license. Obviously his doctor had reported to the DMV. This made it much easier for his car to disappear (we still had to take car away in the middle of the night). He was more upset about the license than the car. He kept insisting he wanted to hire a lawyer to file an appeal. Good luck on that one Dad. He was literally Mr Magu driving to the 3 places he had memorized.
The biggest danger, besides loss of motor skills, is if they get even the slightest bit lost. Panic and bad things start to snowball.
Talk to the doctor or DMV. Let them be the bad guys. But the place to start is finding the transportation service and seeing if you can get some test runs set up under some kind of pretense. Hair appt?? Dr appt maybe.
Taxi or senior shuttle?
@partyof5 I’m sorry this is falling on your shoulders. It’s hard to have the difficult discussions. I do agree that you are correct in finding alternative transportation (not only for your grandmother but also for your great aunt). Although dealing with “the fallout” is uncomfortable, imagine dealing with her (or auntie) getting confused, turning the wrong way and killing a family in a mini van. This exact situation happened to a friend’s grandfather (who also died in the accident). It was a huge tragedy that the rest of the family never got over. You are very mature to take the bull by the horns and dealing with it before the consequences become something much greater than an inconvenience.
As mentioned upthread, the cognitive decline is concerning and needs to be addressed with her doctor(s). Is your mom comfortable dealing with that?
In addition to the excellent advice you’ve been given, don’t forget about grocery delivery. You could help them with that even from a distance. Does she has the technology/aptitude to summon Uber or Lyft? If someone can walk her through it a few times she may find it better and less expensive than driving herself. Even taxis would likely be less expensive than maintaining a car or cars and can be summoned by phone if Uber/Lyft is beyond her skillset. You can probably also find senior shuttles since they’re in an urban area.
Talk to her Dr. Because of HIPPA privacy laws, he/she can’t give you any information, but you can give him/her info. The DR can do a screening and /or refer her for further testing, make recommendations, etc. Don’t wait for fender benders or other problems. Judgement is the first to go.
@singingdaughter, I don’t believe HIPAA is at issue; OP said he/she has POA.
ETA: don’t know if OP’s POA is for healthcare or a general one for finances.
Another thing you might want to do is talk to the elder services person/social worker in her town. Every town, city, or county has someone in this role who can direct you to resources such as a senior ride service.
We are used to respecting our parents/grandparents, but as they decline, sometimes they become like children. They may have poor judgment, overestimate their own abilities, or demand things that are unhealthy or dangerous for themselves and others. It is hard to make the switch from treating them as adults to treating them, essentially, like children. Sometimes you get to the point where you have to tell them what they are going to do (give up the car), and close your ears to their protests (as you would to a toddler or teenager) because you know better. If someone whose ability to drive is questionable thinks their own “sense of independence” or “convenience” is more important than the lives/health of others, that is a sign that they aren’t thinking rationally.
Go-go grandparent is a service where you can set it up and then they can just use a regular phone to call for a ride. It’s $.19/minute according to the website.
There is also the tendency of most bad drivers not to think of themselves as bad drivers.
Not directly on point here, but this discussion shows why I want my next (and presumably last) home to be in a location with walkable amenities and access to ride sharing services and public transportation. I don’t want to be the one battling with my kids over my car keys because I can’t live comfortably without a car.
I remember the last time I rode with my dad driving. He turned from a side street into a busier road without a glance at the traffic. I called out “Watch out, Dad!” He answered “Let them watch out for me!” I don’t want to become that driver. When my kids or anyone else suggests I shouldn’t be behind the wheel, I’ll toss them the keys without an argument.
Agree with MommaJ. H and I have already talked about this. My thoughts are to make sure I am living someplace I can walk or take pub trans to grocery store, and activities by the time I am 70. Although my Dad lived in such a neighborhood when he needed to start walking or using those services, he could not figure out how. He could only do things he had been doing for years.
My mom lived within walking distance of everything she needed…except her doctors. She took a taxi to those (she died in 2003).
But as she got older, she got very confused…so we hired a “friend” to come and clean her house, and cook, and take her out. This wonderful woman came three times a week for a little over a half day. It was the best money I’ve ever spent.
I already wrote of my parents’ experience on the other thread. And I commend you for thinking proactively about this, too many people don’t or find it easier to ignore, and I understand that instinct.
I wish more doctors would be proactive in this. It is very easy (paperwork wise) for a doctor to remove someone’s license in my state and I imagine in others. I would try to let the doctor be the bad buy if that is possible,
Other things i have talked about with my dad, when he wanted to get his license back, was having him take the reevaluation offered by a local rehab hospital. (I knew he would fail) He has not asked for a while. You can also investigate having an occupational therapist evaluate your elder.
One thing I read during this was, ask yourself if you would let your child or grandchild ride with the elder driver. If the answer is No, then that tells you you need to do something, for the sake of someone else’s child.
@gouf78 I am not sure I understand your comments. You seem to be saying don’t do anything now, wait until there is a problem? Like, wait until she has a crash and injures someone?
The OP has already stated that she thinks it is not premature to take away the keys. Why are you encouraging her to leave things as is?
This is stressful. My mother took a driving course for seniors. They taught them to do things like plan their routes so there were no left turns. She stopped driving longer distances after she got woozy and found herself in a field by the road. I’m not sure when she stopped driving the shorter distances, but she was not difficult. My mother-in-law on the other hand was impossible. She had early onset dementia. Her first accident was while she was making a left turn, she swears the other car was speeding. Shortly after that she actually had to take the road test again, because DC has a law that requires retesting seniors. She flunked. It wasn’t just that she rolled through a stop sign, but that she kept insisting “everyone does it”, well yes, but not for your road test! She then took her license and faked a new date on it. After she told us she knew she would be okay because she said a prayer every time she drove we knoew we had to take more severe measures. We finally ended up having to hide the car from her. Until she was no longer able to speak she complained she should be allowed to drive.
My son was t-boned by an elderly driver who mixed up his gas and brake. Fortunatlly no one was hurt but we all sincerely hoped this was the sign to turn in his keys. It’s hard but could she live with knowing they hurt someone?
@thumper1, would you want your children to share the road (or her vehicle) with her? If not, can someone get her doctor to be the bad guy and get her off the road?
I have done this. I called Dad’s physician, who agreed Dad should not be driving and also agreed to be the bad guy reporting Dad to the DMV. Dad was starting to have significant dementia issues and was NOT reasonable about this issue. He never found out that I was the instigator, nor did Mom, and for the rest of his life he did not drive.
In our state the reporter’s identity cannot be hidden, so it was important for our family that the Dr. take responsibility for the reporting.