Can you check with your DMV and see if they have a process for reporting him anonymously so that he needs to come in for a driving test? Or talk to his doctor about it?
The MVA does have a way to report, but they wanted the persons DL# in addtion to name, address and DOB. How in the world am I supposed to get that? My DH sees the same cardiologist as my father, so I might try that route.
I’m going to try going the self assessment route first I guess. Should be fun.
Rockvillemom: what about Uber. Could they use the app or is that too difficult for them? It would allow them access to transportation for spur of the moment outings. Plus, it still gives them some independence, but keeps your Dad off the road. Good luck–it’s hard.
I am curious to know if anyone has actually attempted/succeeded in getting a doctor involved with having the driver’s license taken away from an elderly loved one. I ask because we are batting 0 for 2 with family doctors.
After my father was diagnosed with dementia, my mother asked his doctor to report him to the state for evaluation after sharing examples of his poor judgement and decision-making behind the wheel and his overall inability to follow the rules of the road. The doctor flat out refused as he “did not want to be the bad guy.”
My MIL recently fell and suffered a concussion which, among other things, permanently impaired her peripheral vision. We were hopeful when the hospital docs contacted the state to temporarily pull her license, that it would become permanent, as we were concerned about her deteriorating judgement and reaction time even before the fall. Altough her family doctor had no involvement with her 4 months of rehab and therapy that followed, during a recent follow-up, he initiated the process to get her license back. To be continued…
My mother’s cognitive decline started about 5 years ago. I drove with her a few times, and one time she nearly killed both of us - actually twice in one ride. My brother called her neurologist a few days before an appointment, and explained we wanted her to stop driving. At the appointment, the doctor told her she should give up her keys. She stopped driving because the doctor said this. If we had said this, she would have been belligerent. She is still angry about not being able to drive herself. But, the rest of the world is safer for it.
As far as limiting the distance an elderly person can drive, there is no safe distance if one is a poor driver. A woman near us drove a 1/2 mile to pick up her grandson. She confused the accelerator and the break pedal and ended up killing 3 elderly women. It was a very sad and shocking few weeks here when that happened. It also highlighted that just getting behind the wheel is unsafe, no matter how short the drive is.
Father’s Day is coming up. Perhaps you could buy your dad a new wallet and offer to load it up with the contents of his old one, which would presumably include his DL? Another method might be to retain a PI to do a search. They have access to databases regular people don’t and might be able to get it for not that much money. Although it might seem intrusive, if the goal is to prevent harm to your parents and other people, I think it’s worthwhile. Also, if you have copies of their paperwork, sometimes, you are asked to provide your DL and you might be able to locate it there. Lastly, if you really think he’s a danger and you can’t get his DL, call the DMV and explain the situation and beg.
After following these posts, I feel so grateful that my MIL was very easily persuaded to stop driving when she turned 80 and began having cardiac problems.
Good luck.
@SnLMom - are you serious??? The doctor said he didn’t want to be the bad guy? Ask him if he’s OK being sued if your father kills someone with his car and the doctor knew he was an unsafe driver. I am pretty non-confrontational myself, and this is how I do it (I’m a primary care doctor): I administer a Trail B test. Actually many primary care docs don’t know what it is, but it takes 3 minutes and both the test and instructions can be downloaded from the internet. It is a sheet of paper with scattered numbers and letters. It simply asks people to draw a continuous line connecting the numbers and letters in order - i.e., 1, a, 2, b, etc. They have to do it correctly and within a (generous) set amount of time. If the test is abnormal, it shows impaired executive function, which is basically information processing; it usually declines early in the course of cognitive impairment. If you can’t pass the test, then it means that when you see a ball roll into the street, you won’t process the information quickly enough to stop if a child follows the ball. Having a test to point to means it’s not just my opinion versus the patient’s. In CT, people can make an appointment for a driving test to determine if they are still safe drivers, and if they insist on driving, I put the burden on them to prove they can.
One of my patients drove herself to the office after being told not to— her husband could still drive but wasn’t well, and it was easier for her to hop in the car and come. I made her go home in a cab, and she has never done it again.
@rockvillemom - can you let the air out of his car tires? And then let him figure out how to get the car towed/repaired? I have read (somewhere many pages ago on this thread) about someone who disconnected a wire on the elder’s car and then, oh well, the car is broken so you can’t drive it. Car went to the repair shop and ended up ‘taking a long time for the needed part to come in’. That seemed to do the trick in that situation. Letting the air out of the tires seems simpler to me. But you get the idea.
That said, if your state does not have an avenue for taking away the driver’s license of an elderly/impaired driver, then you are not to blame if something does indeed happen. You can only do what the law will allow you to do.
My mom’s doctor didn’t stop her from driving but did tell her with the medication she was on she shouldn’t be driving. Once my mom heard that from a doctor, and that my sister could really use her car, and my brother told her how much she was spending in car insurance, etc she agreed to stop. But by that time she was in such bad health I don’t think she could have even made it to the parking lot. She also found out her facility had a driver that would take residents around town she left her rehab floor to go to get her hair done, a pedicure and lunch. They nurses were fit to be tied, but I thought it was funny, and so like her.
Hi - no smart phone and limited use of tech overall - so no Uber. They would be more comfortable calling a cab - which is fine when they can sit in their condo lobby and wait to be picked up - harder to get the return trip. Not every place they go has a way to sit and wait for a cab. Plus he has to deal with putting his walker in and out of the car. It might need to be they take a cab to x and then I pick them up and bring them home.
I did discuss with my sister last night and she agreed we have to start the process. She suggested we start by reminding him of how he got his father to stop driving in his 80s and doing the self-assessment with him.
I don’t want to do anything drastic yet. Hopefully I wont live to regret it.
Talk first, and tell (not ask or quiz) them you are very concerned with their driving because of (insert specific evidence). Tell them you love them very much, want to keep them around as long as possible, and don’t want them to get hurt or hurt anyone else, because reflexes do slow down after a time. Insert story of accident you have seen or heard of or is in the news.
If you have access, just take the keys. If they are forgetful, they won’t know where they put them. But make sure you have contacted some organization that drives for elderly adults first, if you can’t take over the appointments yourself. Leave that number near the phone or post up a sign. This is what I would do, rather than continue to try to convince, if you are 100% positive they should not drive.
Rockvillemom–is there a car/limo service in your area that you could set up some kind of arrangement so that they would be able to do a round trip when your folks needed it. You could call a few places and see if anyone would be willing to do something like this. Perhaps one of the smaller car services would want ongoing business?
Thank you, I do have a driver arranged for them, very nice retired man in his early 60s. They have used him a few times for dr appts, but have yet to just book him for an afternoon to do errands, grocery shop, etc. I don’t know why they are so resustant.
Wow - that is unbelievable. I would seriously think about telling a superior about that doctor’s comment.
When my dad was hit by an elderly driver and suffered a brain injury, his doctor wrote to the state and removed his license.
I myself wrote to the state to ask that the offending driver have her license removed. Unfortunately my state does not go back and tell the requester if it did, in fact, remove the license. I have a couple of friends who are cops and I have considered asking them to check, off the record, if she is still driving. If she is, I do not know what I would do - I am afraid I might drive to her house and confront her if I start to think about it too much. 
My father was an interstate long haul truck driver for a career. He never had one speeding ticket or any citations…at all in his gazillion miles of driving over many years. He voluntarily gave up driving about two years before he died. He gave the car to our nephew. I don’t think he turned his license in…but he never used it again. He told me…he knew his driving wasn’t as good as it had been, and he wanted to stop while the going was good. My sisters and I were very proud of his decision.
My MIL, OTOH, should not, repeat…should not be driving at all for any reason, and not any distance. Not even out of her driveway. Instead of dealing with getting this license somehow removed, she bought a new car. Really, she was never a good driver, but now, she is terrible. I worry about her, and that she could harm others. But my DHs family just can’t seem to address this.
If you think your parent shouldn’t be driving I think you really have to find a way to get them to stop driving. As I mentioned upthread that ended up being hiding the car for my MIL - she’d lost her license, but with her dementia she thought it was okay to keep driving. Her husband still had his license, but wouldn’t stop her. Please it’s not just your parent’s life - it’s the person they kill.
@rockvillemom Do you live in the same town as your parents or nearby? If so, you might want to use my neighbors method. The son took her car to be repair and never brought it back. Anytime she asked, they were still working on it. Before doing that, stop in their local police dept and talk to the lieutenant or sargent on duty and tell them that daddy has reached the point that he should no longer be driving and that you are going to take his car to your house and put it in the garage. Get their opinion on if there is a better way and have them make note of who is taking the car just incase daddy calls them for a stolen car. Yep, put it in your garage and if your afraid that they might see it there when they come, cover it with a couple of tarps.
“The son took her car to be repair and never brought it back. Anytime she asked, they were still working on it.”
Does this actually work on seniors who aren’t senile? I can’t fathom my folks or my in-laws falling for this approach. I think it infantilizes them. You just can’t take someone else’s possessions.
“Does this actually work on seniors who aren’t senile? I can’t fathom my folks or my in-laws falling for this approach. I think it infantilizes them. You just can’t take someone else’s possessions.”
Yes it does work. He had her permission and keys to get the car fixed. His siblings knew he was taking the car. Heck I knew he took the car. He didn’t change the title on the car until after she passed. Sometimes the elderly act like infants or more like 2 year olds. It isn’t easy trying to get the keys from someone who thinks that since they have driven since they were 16 that they can still drive just as well, well into their 80’s when they think they drive just fine and you know that they are a hazard on the road. You get them off the road any way you can.
My father was a hazard. We knew we had to do something because he was getting lost if he wasn’t driving back and forth to the grocery store. We taped a cell phone in his car and he still didn’t even remember he had a cell phone. We were starting to try to come up with a plan how to get the keys when he suddenly received a letter from the DMV that his drivers license was revoked. His doctor reported him to DMV, as he should.
It is the doctor’s job to report it. My Dad still went out and tried to drive. We took the car away from him and returned it to the leasing company. I didn’t care if we had permission or not, it was too dangerous because he was starting to show signs of dementia. Now he is in full Alzheimer’s and he still asks me where his car is.