Times of unrest/indecision and managing it

[tumagmom]

Whew. Wasn’t sure how to title this one.

We are nearing a time in life that is feeling so stressful to me. My son is graduating this summer and off to start the real world, but has ASD and mental health issues and the fear on my side is paralyzing. D is a college sophomore and is considering grad school, but that is not decided right now and I don’t want to steer her in either direction. Hubby works 3 hours from home 3 days a week and is hoping to move back to a field based position in the next 2 years and I just spin myself into a tizzy wanting stability. We moved to a new state about 18 months ago and the home we bought was short sighted. My parents moved a few miles away as my fathers health was failing and he passed this winter.

I hate to add stress to my husband or mom venting this out to them, and clearly they have bias in the decisions we have ahead of us.

How do you manage times like this when you are such a control freak and everything feels so unsettled? I just want to blink and let it be 2027 and things have all fallen into place.

Thanks for letting me air this out a bit and I am all for tips to help manage the uncertainty.

[abasket]

Hugs. Many/most of us have been there are one time - or many times.

How many times have we heard, with family, as everyone gets older, the problems just get bigger!

To be honest, I’ve learned from my kids some when they have had conflict. Focus on the things you can control - the decisions or actions or people you can impact or improve, and you have to let the other things hold a place in your mind but not CONSUME your mind.

Literally imagine yourself putting specific problems that need time on a shelf in your head. Find some activities that will take you away at least temporarily from spinning thoughts that can’t have an answer right now.

I’m sure others will chime in. You’re not alone!

[momofboiler1]

I can relate to some of this. My husband made a job change at the beginning of our D’s senior year to a different state. D and I stayed behind so she could finish up and we only saw him on some weekends. I was helping caregiving for my mom at the time as my parents lived a few minutes away. I had to manage all the senior year “lasts”, getting my house sold, getting my parents’ house sold, buying a new house, and relocating… I’m also pretty type A and like everything very orderly.

What helped me keep my sanity was doing some professional counseling and journaling. I also had some friends who I could vent to when needed.

Taking some time for self care and giving myself permission to feel my emotions was also good for me.

I also agree about trying to focus on what you can control.

Big hugs to you!!!

[ColdWombat]

First of all, I understand. We’re in a similar situation, but a few years behind (one in college and one in HS). It’s already stressing us out. My spouse, in particular, is greatly affected by this stuff. Spouse has an almost insatiable itch to do something to bring things into control. Which then stresses me out even more LOL. I know it’s flared up when I get random texts about houses on realtordotcom (we’re not looking to move anytime soon).

What we need right now is to stay put. To not make any major changes, and to let the next 2-3 years unfold how they may. Then we’ll have the chance to slowly and deliberately make our plans that may include big changes (downsizing, changing jobs, moving cities, whatever).

My spouse has felt a lot of comfort lately by repeating mantras about keeping things steady and not making major changes. Reassurance that the most stable and correct thing to do for the next couple years is to just stay the course. The itch for making changes can be somewhat scratched by channeling into hobbies in the meantime. The funny thing is that, while my spouse is itching to change, they’re also really destabilized by change.

Slow and steady wins the race. Doing nothing is often a great option. Let that temper the urge to make a bunch of emotion-based changes (which we know in our hearts may not help things). I feel the same, and I know that we’ve got this! Things will work out and we’ve gotta take some deep breaths and make careful (not frantic) plans that unfold over a time course that can feel like it outlasts our patience.

[tumagmom]

This resonates so much. You are totally right. We aren’t in a position to make any changes for the next few years intelligently, so the “stay the course for now” mantra is spot on. Thank you!

[Tigerwife92]

Hugs to you; it is not easy, and sometimes the anxiety can be overwhelming. I’m so sorry for your loss of your father.

I’m in a similar situation; we moved here a few years ago, my parents moved down two years ago, so I could help care for them, and DH’s company is bracing for restructure with lots of layoffs. DD is technically a senior, but will have to do one more year; she’s ASD as well, so as you know it’s often daily stress/anxiety to us the parents. You never know if a call or text will be about a random movie trailer or a panicked meltdown. I worry about what comes next; will she be able to deal with the stressors of a professional career and support herself. It’s the uncertainty of it all; like you, I’m a type A, control freak type of person because I’ve had to be to survive this long. I’m learning to control what I can control and let the rest go. That’s easier said than done; sometimes it means mindful breathing. Other times it means distracting myself with projects around the house and podcasts/audio books while I work to quiet the inner dialog. When we finally settle down for the evening, it’s binge watching a show with DH or mindlessly scrolling TT, whatever it takes to distract my mind. Exercise helps somewhat, but what helps the most is trying to fill the time with some enjoyment. Try finding things you like, and give yourself permission to do and enjoy them. It may mean starting off with something for just an hour. If you are your son’s “Emotional support animal” so to speak, let him know you’ll be unavailable by phone and to call DH in case of emergency. If you are his support, you need to practice being unavailable for his sake, but also for your’s. It’s a muscle you need to build. Start looking for things that bring you joy, maybe it’s a new hobby or volunteering; starting something now will make it an easier transition if your DH winds up back out in the field. Start establishing some support systems now, making new or reconnecting with friends, someone you can call to vent to. Wishing you well.

[Izzy74]

@Tigerwife92

I’m learning to control what I can control and let the rest go

I think this is the key. When my life gets like yours is right now, I try to compartmentalize. What can I do today? What do I have zero control over that I need to let go?

Another game I play with myself is What is the (realistic) worst case scenario? For a small example, D23 is in danger of failing her college Spanish class. Worst case scenario, she loses her merit scholarship and has to come home and go to community college until she figures it out. While all of that is unlikely, it’s still manageable, we can handle all of that.

Some people should not play this game, my sister would start thinking about nuclear war or pandemics

Hang in there, one day at a time, one hour at a time if need be. Lists, meditation, exercise, lots of sleep, and good food

[one_two]

I write lists and do research. I’ve researched so many things that haven’t come to happen. But if they did I was prepared with at least ideas and information which helped eliminate some of the worry. It is time consuming, though. I’ve sometimes done it in the middle of the night when anxiety was keeping me awake. And I mean research like - if we moved here what would the area be like, etc. Not - what are all the horrible things that could happen.

[deb922]

Things are pretty stressful. I don’t need to go into it but these past couple of years have been a minefield of health issues for my family.

One thing I have figured out is to keep at arms length those who cause me the greatest stress when I’m around them. If I can. My mom can cause a lot of stress but I can’t really avoid her but I do what I can to avoid her stressful moods. (Those of you who have mothers who don’t, don’t judge but mine can cause a lot of anxiety)

Another is try to get those negative thoughts out of my mind. I found myself recently in a stressful situation in which I could function during the event but I’ve been a mess since. Not that much fun for my husband as he has born the brunt.

Yesterday I put into words why I was upset. Then I let it go. Seems to have worked.

[gouf78]

Unrest/indecision is not where you want to be obviously. It’s amazing how your thoughts run in circles until you can put them down in black and white.

Pros and cons of any decision. Write them all down.
Pick a track.
Divide into steps.
Prioritize steps.
How to accomplish the steps.
Go!

Making no decision is the worst decision of all. It’ll be made for you eventually by fate.

[oldfort]

10 years ago, my father passed away, husband of 30 years wanted a divorce and I was out of a job. As a woman of certain age, the only job I could get was 100+ miles away. The only thing I could do was to take one day at a time. 5 different jobs later, I am back in my old home town and back at my old industry (ex firm, second time around). I love my job, it pays well with very little stress.
Now I am itchy to take on a bigger job with more challenges, and they are knocking.
My advice is to just take a big breath, take it one day at a time, no need to have to control everything, just go with the flow a bit. There is always a road in front of you.

[greenbutton]

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I find that really destabilized me; the world seems impossibly normal but here inside I have this big hole that makes everything feel wrong (my dad passed away last summer). It takes a lot of time to feel okay again.

make sure you get outside when you can, try to find something physical to do every day (I like to clean, and walk, and play the piano).

Our children are adults – I spend a lot of time pulling myself up short and repeating “They are grownups, they can figure it out”. Have faith in their ability to cope and adapt, but also their ability to ask you for help or input.

Come here and let everyone know how it’s going, and take care of you.

[thumper1]

Perhaps this AMA will be of interest to you. While the title says stress of college applications, perhaps some of what is said will be helpful.

Dealing w/ the Stress of the Application Process: How to Know When You/Your Kid Need(s) Help - ASK ME ANYTHING!

We are celebrating Neurodiversity Week this week with a dedicated AMA hosted by Mental Health Advocate @MaineLonghorn and Mental Health Professional @jym626. With HS Seniors going through the process of figuring out if they got into their dream school, the whole process might have taken a toll on their mental health. How do you deal with the application stress? How do you cope with a rejection? As a parent, how do you know when your kid is going through something and needs help? What are some signs to look for? Ask us your questions below and @MaineLonghorn and @jym626 will provide valuable guideline. @MaineLonghorn is the parent of three adult children, all of whom have been diagnosed with a mental illness (ranging from mild to very severe). Two of her children have graduated from college, while the third had to drop out of school after studying biomedical engineering and applied math. He lives in supported housing in her area. All three of her children have given her permission to s…

[blossom]

I will add to Momofboiler’s fine post- Counseling! Therapy! A trained professional who gets paid to listen to you, not to pile on with “You think you have it rough, my brother just found out he has colon cancer”.

My friends are my friends- some of them are good, some better, some lousy when I am experiencing anxiety or life is spinning out of control. But I always ended up having to listen to their tales of woe-- somehow I was always losing the misery Olympics.

A trained professional! Priceless.

And contrary to popular opinion, your don’t have to be in crisis to benefit. You don’t have to be having a full on blowout mental health issue. Just the anxiety of a particularly fraught time (like you are experiencing now) and having a neutral observer teach you coping strategies which will help you power through.

I’ve posted before about a singular piece of wisdom I got on my very first session with the last therapist I used (she has since passed away, what a loss). She listened to my long and agonizing description of all the ridiculous things going on in my life that I was powerless to fix, all the potential land mines that nobody was seeing but me- and she looked me in the eye and said “This is not your circus and these are not your monkeys”.

I really lost it then- of course it was my circus. And ALL of them were my monkeys. But her special sauce was teaching me to unpack what I was feeling (responsible-- for all of it) vs. reality (adults are going to do what they do; my involvement would DEFINITELY make me unhappy and there was no evidence it was going to change the outcome for the better. So stop being so involved.)

Your issues are different, but a counselor/therapist/guru can help you define the right boundaries- for YOU so it doesn’t interfere with your sleep, impact your mood, or cause you distress.

Sending you big hugs through the internet. I have walked in your shoes and they are very uncomfortable.

An aside- losing a parent is incredibly sad and destabilizing, no matter how old you are or how expected it was. If it were only that- you may find therapy helpful. I got back some of the joy of being my parent’s child with my therapist, instead of the grief and the agony of dealing with the surviving parent which was SO painful. HUGS.

[Colorado_mom]

Sounds like a stressful time. Sometimes just typing out your thoughts helps, and lots of us here to “listen”.

Long, long ago we took Lamaze childbirth classes. I really can’t be sure if the helped very much. But there have been stressful moments since then when I revert to “in through the nose, out through the mouth” breathing to bring some calm.

[bearcatfan]

In my worst moments, I am a catastrophizer. I’m not sure that’s even a word, but to me it means I will think worst-case scenario (catastrophe!) on everything first. That’s a bad combination with my Type A, ducks-in-a-row personality lol.

What helps is I do indeed imagine the worst case scenario, and how I would deal with it. Once I say it out loud, it loses its power over me somehow. I work through it a bit in my mind, and by the time I’m done I’m like “ok, I can figure this one out step by step if it happens.”

I am also a paper and pencil gal, and part of my planning always involves writing things down and having a physical plan right in front of me. We are getting ready to move my college junior four states away for an internship, and this has helped tremendously to manage my nerves. My family sometimes teases me about my papers, but I am the one they come to for organizing big projects.

I feel you, I really do. I think it’s a personality trait that, instead of being seen as a negative, can be a real positive. When I feel that way I sit down and plan. I might not ever use those plans, but it helps me see that most things can be handled and things are not as out of control as they might first seem. Sometimes things really are out of your control, but not your reaction to them.

[Lizardly]

I am, too, but like you thinking about that worst case scenario, planning for it, airing it, makes me feel better, more in control.
Way back, some 25 plus years ago, H was diagnosed with cancer. The kids were little. H completely freaked out. He was depressed, thought he would die, and did not know how to handle the news. He isolated himself in the bedroom and left me to handle the kids and to make excuses for his work and parents. That lasted a couple of weeks. Then his parents learned their only child had cancer, and they freaked out. I think that was the hardest period of indecision and uncertainty I had to endure.
I operated on two tracks. The first was putting on a happy face, creating normalcy for the kids, and being positive for H and his parents. The other was the catastrophizing track, going to open houses to see how much I could sell the house for if H died and checking out jobs near where my parents lived. I felt better because I had a plan.

For the OP. We were new to that community, so I did not have many IRL friends. I leaned heavily on my mom, a cancer survivor, and a generally supportive, loving person. I also exercised vigorously 5x a week. I left my own anguish and fear on the treadmill or stairstepper. I made some gym friends. In other ways, I put some structure and some joy in my days. The kids went to preschool and outdoor playdates. We celebrated holidays even when H did not feel up to it. I could control those parts of life.
What I did not do and wish I had done was find a support group or a therapist.