<p>Definitely divorcing, it is only a matter of timing. Youngest child is 18. </p>
<p>Divorce may be ‘collaborative’ (which means we will work it out with our lawyers, coaches and a financial advisor). Nonetheless, I suspect that we will have conflict of some degree. We live far apart and may need to travel to a 3rd location to transact the process- inconvenience is a given. </p>
<p>Upcoming in our lives: 3rd child college-applying (next 5 months), 2 graduations (high school and law school in May), 1 wedding (mid July).</p>
<p>Our ‘children’ know almost nothing about the circumstances, and it will stay that way. However, they previously perceived we had a happy family life, and the separation took them all by surprise. Because they live far away, they have not had much direct contact to ‘process’- they have seen us together at 2 graduations in the last 11 months. We are completely civil.</p>
<p>I don’t want the graduations or wedding to be marred by the trickle down of divorce proceedings, but I don’t want to be married any more!! Were it not for the family events, I would be doing this in the next few months.</p>
<p>Daily life would not be different for H and I. But the process of divorce will generate sadness, a need to reconcile a new reality, etc. for the children… and us. Really, i prefer to not mar these otherwise happy life events…</p>
<p>Divorced parents could make need-based financial aid more problematic for the third kid. The process may be financially draining to the parents, who then may not be able to afford the EFC, and the parents may have disagreements about who contributes how much to the college costs, potentially resulting in delays in payments or financial aid paperwork.</p>
<p>If the third kid has the stats, s/he may want to put some large merit scholarship schools on his/her application list.</p>
<p>What kind of input are you seeking? Seems to me you are doing it “right” already by remaining civil and keeping the kids out of it in terms of involving them in conflicts. There is never going to be a “good time” as far as the kids are concerned; you could certainly put the divorce on hold until after x, but there will always be another event on the horizon which will somehow be “marred” by the process. You might as well rip off the band aid rather than making it all the more excruciating by pulling it off in tiny increments. If you really want to be divorced, you might as well get on with it so that you can both move on to the happier, more satisfying life which awaits you.</p>
<p>“they have seen us together at 2 graduations in the last 11 months. We are completely civil.” Good for you and your soon to be ex-husband. You have already started to bridge this transitional period with grace and civility. This is your template. Yes, some big events may feel awkward, but you are divorcing your husband, not your kids or your family. You are still a family, even though you are not married to your husband. You love your kids, and so does he. Family supports one another and they come together to celebrate graduations and weddings. </p>
<p>I have a friend going through the same “timing” worries. There is never a good time. You deserve to be happy.</p>
<p>Why can’t you still be seen together at events for your kids?</p>
<p>I would also suggest that your kids might know more than you think. They are not preschoolers. They are likely very perceptive and pick up on subtle cues when they are with either of you.</p>
<p>Most divorce proceedings happen in lawyers’ offices and involve documents flying back and forth. It’s not as though you are just now beginning an ugly separation process. Yes, there will be negotiation and a lot of that will create uncertainty and stress. But you can try, as you are now, to minimize what you expose the kids to. Good luck.</p>
<p>Personally I would wait until the high school child completed college applications before announcing the divorce. I wouldn’t feel comfortable deliberately dropping a bomb in the middle of the process.</p>
<p>The other concerns are celebration events. They can be stressful but the course of things will not be changed by additional stress. Your children will still graduate and still get married whatever your marital status.</p>
<p>A lot of friends were separated for a long time, and the actual divorce was anticlimatic and I don’t even know if the kids were told when the decrees were final. They spared the kids a lot of the details and dates, like “filed the official papers”, “asset awards received” and the actual official date of the divorce. All of those things were determined by financial pragmatism and the wheels of bureacracy. </p>
<p>The bombshell announcements have tended to be first word that there is a separation and the introduction of significant others, marriages in particular. The official date of divorce is usually a none event. Most people I know did not announce their divorces.</p>
<p>I am not gonna lie to you. My parents told me they were divorcing right after I graduated college and just before I headed off to graduate school (out of state). This after NOT having a “happy” family life…my parents had a lot of issues. But I was devastated. Your kids will be as well. </p>
<p>It sounds like you are doing the best you can, but divorce is an awful thing for the kids, no matter the age, IMO. Sorry I cannot make you feel better about this…just reality.</p>
<p>I think I said “what took you so long?” when my parents divorced when I was 20. Not at all devastating. There is a wide spectrum of possible reactions.</p>
<p>Be prepared for the possibility that your younger children may be upset by something that may seem like simple logistics to you – moving to a different home. This could separate your child from high school friends that he/she still values. Also, the idea of losing the family home is upsetting to some young people even if they don’t live there anymore (or only live there part time). </p>
<p>Also, if you do move, try not to make the 18-year-old feel like a burden. My husband’s parents divorced when he was a freshman in college. One of the parents said, “Let us know which one of us you want to live with because that person is going to have to get a 2-bedroom apartment instead of a 1-bedroom.” This made him feel like a burden who was relevant only in that his existence would force someone to pay higher rent. There must be more tactful ways to go about it. </p>
<p>One more point: Neither you nor your soon-to-be-ex-spouse should get remarried until your youngest has graduated from college (unless your financial situation is such that your child would have no possibility of being eligible for financial aid). Bringing a stepparent into the picture messes up the financial aid situation, usually to the child’s detriment. Living in sin is a much better idea (and your kids will probably like it since it means that you can’t criticize them if they do the same).</p>
<p>Also, I agree with those who say that reactions to divorce vary. My parents divorced when I was 9 and my sister was 6. I didn’t mind at the time, and I still don’t. For me, it was a thing of minimal importance. My sister, on the other hand, never got over it.</p>
<p>My fiance’s parents have been separated for years but haven’t divorced. The damage is done, he is no less traumatized because they haven’t actually divorced yet. It affects the big events in his life the same way it would if they were divorced. It affects our wedding planning, he is sad when the logistical issues of having separated parents come up. He is sad that we have to plan separate visits to go and show them my ring, he is worried about if they’ll get along at the engagement party. They are not together anymore, that is all that matters. The legal part of it is not the bombshell, dad moving out was the bombshell.</p>
<p>My parents are (at times, I think, unfortunately) still together, so take what I say with a grain of salt-- but I don’t know how much grief you are really saving them by waiting, there will never be a good time. Right now you have one about to marry and one about to graduate college, so it’s not a good time-- will it be a good time when you have happy newlyweds or a kid just starting a new job at a law firm? It sounds like they were blindsided by the separation, I understand your impulse to protect them but personally I would rather see things coming than get hit by a truck when my parents finally decided to let me in on the fact that things aren’t what I think they are… Your children won’t be able to start working toward a sense of closure until they know.</p>
<p>My ex-H and I are civil in front of our kids. We also don’t being SO’s (or in his case a new spouse) to family events with each other and our kids. That is just the way it is, and it has worked well for us. We sit together at concerts and events for them (save seats for each other even), chat over refreshments, etc. We still have our kids in common. </p>
<p>Now the time right around the divorce was not as good (we have settled into this afterwards). We separated and started divorce proceedings the winter my oldest was a junior in HS. So I do see your point. If you think there will be a lot of stress and acrimony over splitting assets, etc., I can see some concern. But… you also need to settle how your youngest kids’ college bills will be paid. If you have enough savings, great. But if one parent or the other has to pick up extra expense, that can get sticky and needs to be resolved before your kid applies. The divorce can also make your eligibility for need based aid difficult to calculate. </p>
<p>The posters who say there is never a good time is right. There will be more weddings, new babies, graduations, holidays, etc. in the future. You will be negotiating this territory for the rest of your lives, so you might as well get going on it.</p>
<p>Is there any reason you can’t begin the process without telling the children until next year? If you are relatively on civil terms, perhaps the legal stuff can get underway without really involving them until things are nearly done.</p>
<p>If you don’t want these things to mar the events, don’t let them mar the events. My opinion as someone who has been divorced for 12 years is to get it done ASAP. It lets everyone get on with their lives. Let’s say you wait until after the wedding. That means you will be going through the process as your child is starting college which is already a potential stressful time.</p>
<p>The kids certainly expect you to divorce. Work out the details and get it done as quickly as possible. Saatchi and Lawson worked it out so their hearing took 70 seconds. You probably don’t have that need to avoid publicity but that shows it can be done.</p>
<p>Answers to this questions will vary because families vary. My parents divorced when I was 35 years old. All of us kids knew they were unhappy and were not shocked by the divorce itself - but we were definitely affected by it, maybe even devastated. I do know that the relationship between by brother and my parents has never been the same.</p>
<p>By all means, follow through with the divorce as soon as you feel is best - you DO deserve to be happy. On the other hand, be prepared for blowback if it happens. So much that happens in families is just unpredictable.</p>
<p>My friend was in HS when her folks filed for divorce. It was pretty devastating for her and both her sibs, even tho her folks had been unhappy. It has taken years of counseling for several of them to mostly recover. They have decent relationships with both parents and the dad’s now 3rd wife (2nd marriage was pretty short). </p>
<p>I guess I’m just echoing that there’s no particularly “good” time, but agree it would be helpful for kid applying to college to have honest info about resources available for his 4 years of college.</p>