Tipping a minister? What?? Seems awfully demeaning. Don’t they usually have set fees these days, with differing amounts for members of the congregation and non-members? (Especially when it includes several counseling sessions.) It is a normal thing for there to be a set fee for the organist/music director at a church. And if you don’t want to use the organist, but bring in your own musicians, there is often a “bench fee.” This is because church musicians are routinely grossly underpaid, and providing music at non-member weddings and funerals can be a crucial addition to their income.
One of my nephews-in-law is a professional DJ in NYC, and an entrepreneur. He and some colleagues regular throw dance parties which charge admission in NY and Chicago, and he also does private gigs (including places as well known as Sundance). In Sept, he is doing a wedding in Italy. I know he always negotiates the fees for such events, including travel costs. I’ll have to ask him sometime whether he gets tips.
Emcees at most weddings I’ve attended is a guest–friend or relative of the bride or groom. I’ve seen very few weddings with a hired emcee. I don’t believe the friend/relative is paid for performing or tipped, but may be given a gift or included in the pre-wedding festivities.
I learned a tough lesson about tip jars when my oldest d got married. Our contract specified that no tip jars were allowed at the bar, although “discrete” [sic] tips to the bartender would be permitted. We made sure the bartenders and servers got a nice tip, which we gave to the catering manager when the reception began. I later learned that there had indeed been a tip jar at the bar, a blatant infraction of the contract, and the only response when I complained to the caterer was aggravation. They claimed that a member of the wedding party had invited the bartender to set up a tip jar. Since the only names on the contract were mine and my daughter’s, we wondered who had the standing, to say nothing of the nerve, to issue such an invitation.
Of course the caterer was simply making that up. But here’s the lesson: even if you don’t drink, even if you never go to the bar because someone else will bring you a drink, even if you have a contract that specifies “no tip jars,” even if you have given the bartender a very nice tip, the only way to make sure there isn’t a tip jar is to go out to the bar several times and look for one.
Absolutely agree about the blatant disregard of explicit instructions and contractual provisions regarding tip jars. If you have attendants at the wedding (bridesmaids and groomsmen), you might assign them the duty of enforcing the no tip jar mandate. Tell them to immediately let you know if a tip jar appears. Or write into the contract that the 18% service charge on the bar bill will not be paid if a tip jar appears for even a fraction of a second at the wedding.
I think “tip” is the wrong word for clergy; it is more of an honorarium. Many clergy members don’t charge fees, but will accept honoraria. So the family still has to figure out the appropriate amount to give. The secretary/ coordinator will generally tell you the “typical” amount.
The idea of a tip jar at the bar horrifies me. When we have discussed this before, I seem to recall that someone said a male guest at a wedding–the type who wants to be perceived as a big deal, one gathers–insisted on getting a glass from the bartender and setting it up as a tip jar, stuffing a large bill into it himself. In that circumstance, I would expect the bartender to placate the guest by appearing to accept it, then quickly and quietly removing it as soon as the guest moved away.
"We made sure the bartenders and servers got a nice tip, which we gave to the catering manager when the reception began. "
I wouldn’t pay tips out until after, although I know it is often easier to get it out of the way beforehand.
I would also personally try to stipulate in the contract some kind of cell phone etiquette after a bad experience at my parents’ 50th anniversary celebration. The young bartender hired by the caterer was staring at his smart phone CONSTANTLY. It really pissed me off. X(
S arranged for the bartender. He knew ahead of time there would be a tip jar. S’s call on if that was out of line or not. I don’t find it the end of the world. There is no obligation. He was very accommodating to the guests - no biggie.
Hairdressers, yes to that. The salon worked in the whole bridal party with only 2 weeks notice on a Saturday after the original private hairdresser backed out - they did an amazing job.
I don’t know, sometimes I don’t feel tipping is “mandatory” but it can be nice to reward a job well done - especially to the wait staff and all. S’s wedding was not large though, 125 people - so serving staff was only 4 people.
Good point, @doschicos, but I specifically wanted the bartenders to know that they were being well taken care of because apparently tipping bartenders is a big deal. (I am a good tipper by nature but have been to a bar exactly 3 times in my life.) It’s not a pleasant episode to remember but I hope some here can learn from my mistake.
Another thing with tip jars at a wedding: I honestly wouldn’t even bring a purse to a wedding nor would my husband be likely to bring smaller bills or cash at all as we wouldn’t anticipate needing to do so as invited guests.
Have any of you slamming bartenders ever tried to earn a living wage working as an on call banquets or event bartender? I bet not. Not saying a tip jar is appropriate at a wedding, but yeesh, judgmental much? If it comes up before or during the reception, there are ways to handle it with tact and grace without getting all torqued up.
@MichaelNKat - my D worked in banquet management for a hotel that did a large event business. The bartenders who worked at her hotel were making a killing. It was a union hotel in a large city. All the serving staff and runners were also well compensated. I think much depends on venue and area of the country.
I agree with who and how much to tip is daunting. It is especially painful when you’ve already spent what feels like a astronomical amount of money.
@MichaelNKat Your response seems a little torqued up. All folks are saying is a bartender - who is being paid AND tipped by the wedding hosts - should not be setting up a tip jar to extract more from guests of the wedding couple, especially since it is often specifically stated in a contract that they should not do so. The fact that people here are reporting it does happen is proof it is an issue.
My guess is that many of us have worked as a bartender/waitress, etc. at one point in our lives, even if it was not at events. Sure, its not an easy way to make a living but no excuse for trying to pinch more out of your host’s guests.
MichaelNKat, if I am hiring a bartender to attend to MY guests, there is no way in hell I am going to tolerate their soliciting money from MY guests. I will take care of paying them, if I hired them directly, or of tipping them, if the caterer did.
Handling it appropriately in that situation to me would consist of saying to the bartender, in a pleasant tone of voice: “I do not want you to solicit tips from my guests. I will do the tipping. Put away the jar immediately. Thank you.”
I don’t see anyone here advocating screaming at the bartender!
People who work parties know what the drill is. I’ve never seen them soliciting tips.
I stand by my comment based on the tenor of the prior posts.
@Consolation and @doschicos, if you read my comments, I agree that tips should not be solicited where it’s an open bar.
@mom60, I am well familiar with the circumstances you described concerning your D. I’ve spent a good bit of my professional life negotiating collective bargaining agreements on behalf of workers in the hospitality industry. The reality is, though, that outside of large unionized hotels with a banquet department it’s a much different world. Event bartenders for independent caterers work on an on call basis, often have low hourly rates and have no assurance of gratuities unless the catering contract has them built into the pricing for the customer. Even then, management often skims a portion of the gratuities off the top as additional profits.
And by the way, at my daughter’s wedding in October, which will probably have about 250 guests and is being held at a non-hotel venue, we will be taking care of the gratuities directly and will not permit a tip cup or any other cuing to guests that they should pony up gratuities when they go to the bar. As I said before, it’s inappropriate. We are the hosts. The guests are the guests. We are paying for an open bar, guests should not feel the need to reach into their pocket.
Thank you. Yes, the pastor received an honorarium, not a tip.
I’m told that the bartenders did not have a tip jar at D and SIL’s reception. H gave them a very generous tip early. The head of catering, florist, and photographer all made it clear that there should be no tipping for them. They had generous compensation.
S worked for a catering company the summer after his freshman year of college. He received some very generous tips. His employer was paying him about $10 per hour so tips were greatly appreciated. His best tip was $100.
Since I was the one who mentioned S’s bartender having a tip jar, I do want to say S (or my H and I) did NOT tip him - he was simply paid for his services and alcohol and mixers were on the scene as originally agreed upon.
If the tip jar was a faux pas, at least I didn’t see it mentioned in the local paper on the social page. Just not something to get bent out of shape over.
Again, IMO, tip who you are comfortable with. Forget the “rules” (social rules, not the contract rules) and follow your heart.
