<p>After son left for college about a week ago, I vowed I would not be the cranky, complaining person I was before he left (take out the dog! clean the basement! the kitchen is a mess!). </p>
<p>However, I’m not finding it so easy. I’m sure there are moms/dads out there who manage to balance (with a laugh and a smile!) succeeding at work, taking care of pets, shuttling kids to activities, ironing, grocery shopping, cooking, vacuuming, taking care of extended family, trying to nurture immmediate family, cleaning up, exercising, et al. </p>
<p>I’m back at work about 25 -30 hrs a week after being home for 7 years with the kids (only working occasionally) and trying to figure out people manage to do all this, not be irritable and find time for spousal relationship, occasional contact with friends, etc.</p>
<p>I realize it’s not really that hard – I could be working in a sweatshop in 1916 and living in a tenement with 10 other people or farming for 14 hours a day as a Russian peasant. </p>
<p>Maybe the key is to keep reminding oneself of that? Or…perhaps there are other tricks/techniques? Have considered meditation… :-)</p>
<p>Make priorities and remember to accept “moderation”. For me, #1 priority is the kids needs and activities - partially because I believe it’s right for them and partially because I consider their games and stuff my entertainment. After them (and my husband), of course, my job needs must be met. My house comes next. But is it as clean and organized as I’d like - no, but I do have standards! May not be spotless, but is always picked up. </p>
<p>Other things:
Exercise
Shopping for pleasure
Reading
Visiting other family
I have to accept moderation here - while I"d like to exercise daily, I might only get in 4-5 days a week of about 30 minutes - I can settle for that. While I"d like to visit my mom more often, I see her at least twice a month (she’s about 45 minutes from me) and that’s not bad. Etc. etc.</p>
<p>I’d compare it to when you first have a baby - especially if you started your family a little older. You were used to doing everything on your own time - eat dinner when you want, shower when and how long you want, plenty of downtime, etc. Now all of a sudden this baby (or this job ) is interrupting that schedule - you pare down and learn to make priorities and make do - at least temporarily untiil you can manage your time a little better and have times that ease up a bit.</p>
<p>My house is a mess most of the time and the food that is consumed in our house leaves a lot to be desired. There, that’s my confession. I really really like a tidy house but I live with a mess because I need some downtime on occasion. And yes, during the school year there will be nights when we go through the Chik Fil A drive through. I wonder what my kids will remember about their childhoods…hopefully not fast food and a messy house… But I don’t want them to remember that I came home and tidied non-stop.</p>
<p>Oh, wait, you wanted tips, not my personal confessions. I order as much as I can on-line - (essential to get through Christmas.) Lots of places have free shipping.</p>
<p>Thanks for the practical and encouraging tips, abasket! Very thoughtful!!</p>
<p>And thank you, missypie! I know moms who do tidy non-stop, and in some ways I wish I was one. Don’t seem to be, though…! I can’t imagine a few fast-food meals make any difference. And, you are a full-time lawyer, so I think you’d get more slack. I’m only working about 25-30 hrs a week – but for some reason seems like the same logistical juggling as full-time employ (w/out the $)! </p>
<p>I’d just like to be able to manage things w/out being cranky or whatever. To me, that’s a big priority. Don’t want to look back, (like I am re: son-in-college) and have memories of being naggy and unappreciative of all the good things… </p>
<p>Like your priority list, abasket. That does put things in perspective…!!</p>
<p>Did I really see ironing on your list? Most of our clothes is wash and wear…or wear with slight wrinkles for a casual look. Business shirts and suits get sent to the drycleaners. I think I have devoted about 20 minutes to ironing in the last 5 years.</p>
<p>Kids are happy and busy being driven to various plans, lessons, etc. That’s priority #1. Lots of take out and quick meals. The house is somewhat clean underneath the clutter that builds in the absence of me playing maid.</p>
<p>The bottom line is that I am really good and devote lots of energy to the things that are most important to me…things that are not as important I have stopped bothering to care much about.</p>
<p>Well…my standards are much “lower” at this point in my life. I don’t mind if my kitchen gets a little messy every so often. The basement is a place I avoid entering, so I don’t know if it’s a mess!! And we don’t have a dog.</p>
<p>It makes “doing it all” so much easier when you don’t FEEL you have to be doing it all…all the time!!</p>
<p>Thumper1, I avoid my basement, as well! It’s my son’s man-cave, and I just don’t want to know …</p>
<p>I went back to full time work (with a ridiculously long commute & lots of weekends) after 20 years of being home. I did sub teach the last 5 years, which allowed me to ease into being away slowly. I survive by co-existing with the clutter. I use the weekends for housework: cleaning, planning meals, grocery shopping, laundry. My husband is a huge help, for which I am so very grateful.</p>
<p>Just remember to take time for yourself once in awhile, even if it seems like you have so much to do that you can’t. It’s important to be nice to yourself.</p>
<p>My house gets picked up and cleaned once a week. I do the picking up and someone else does the cleaning. Pick up is a couple of hours, cleaning about four. If something is worth eating once, my motto is it’s worth eating twice. Sometimes with variations. So yesterday we had a zucchini soup with shrimp, today with smoked salmon (which turned out to be even better though not what the recipe called for.) I schedule in exercise three times a week, I go with my husband most of the time. I don’t get out the iron more than once a month.</p>
<p>What I can’t figure out is how I had time to bake bread when my kids were in nursery school and I was working part time outside the home compared to now when I work at home. The internet has eaten into way too much of my time.</p>
<p>Give yourself time to adjust to the new routine. Keep doing what works, change the stuff that doesn’t. Eventually you will end up with a plan that works for you and your family…even the dogs!
For years while my mom was seriously ill I could manage both households, work part time, keep up with a toddler/preschooler, etc, etc. For weeks after we lost my mom I couldn’t even keep food in the house. It wasn’t just grief, it takes awhile to develop a new pattern.</p>
<p>Don’t sell yourself short. Working full time as an attorney in private practice, I can get a lot done from my desk, on the computer and phone, with no one looking over my shoulder. I read and reply to all the various booster club and school emails, make appointments, email and talk on the phone to teachers, order groovy boots on zappos.com, buy plane tickets for vacation, etc. I run my life from my desk. A friend became a judge and thus, was not allowed to use her work computer for personal purposes…she had three kids at home and I don’t know how she did it.</p>
<p>Oh…another great help for two parents working families…we actually have someone hired who cleans every two weeks. She does the “big stuff”. BUT it does require us to keep things a bit tidy. It’s worth every penny.</p>
<p>Yeah, I confess that we have an every other week cleaning lady…she doesn’t tidy, but the toilets, floors, mirrors, etc. don’t get too gross that way.</p>
<p>I echo the sentiments above… don’t try to do it all…lower your standards a wee bit.</p>
<p>Something that I do occasionally is to have a “cooking day”. It really turns out to be a two-day event; one day or evening to shop and a big chunk of a weekend day to cook.</p>
<p>I originally got the idea and many recipes from a book called “Once a Month Cooking”. I adapted their method over the past couple of years to what works for my family.</p>
<p>The idea is to buy everything you need to prepare multiple meals that you keep in the freezer for later use. By buying in bulk, you can probably save money. By cooking it all at once, you streamline many of the tasks. For example, instead of chopping an onion for one dish, you chop 3-4 onions and prepare many dishes. Instead of cooking a pound of chicken for a casserole, you cook six pounds for the casserole and four additional recipes.</p>
<p>I’ve got a master list of “cooking day” recipes/ingredients needed on an Excel worksheet. As I plan a cooking day, I copy the desired recipes to the working list and a macro calculates the ingredients / amounts needed for an easy shopping list.</p>
<p>The hardest part is finding a big chunk of time to spend in the kitchen, so I only do this a few times a year – certainly not monthly. Sometimes my D’s help, but usually not. Last Saturday I worked in the kitchen from 9:30 am to 2:30 pm. No one else was home, so I tuned the stereo to my choice of music and had a good time. I prepared a dozen dishes; taking into account the “leftover” opportunities I probably have two dozen meals ready to go.</p>
<p>Don’t know what to call this, but “combining activities” might be it. For example, exercise is walking the dog (good for both of us), with an occasional trail run on the weekends with her (and therefore no daily walk needed that day!). But if I mow the lawn or do a lot of housework in a day, the dog doesn’t get a real walk. Also, I have changed sports a few times over the years to play what my kids play (tennis for a few years, cross country skiing for several) - - that way they can get some practice in on a weekend, and I can still spend time with them. We have even taken family vacations involving their sports (family tennis camp, nordic ski resorts), which we all enjoyed.</p>
<p>I’d like to volunteer more, but it is hard to find time. For years I volunteered in conjunction with my kids activities (eg, scout leader, kids ski league coach) - - combines something my kid enjoys with something that supported our community.</p>
<p>Housework - - well, before a stint of unemployment last year, I had someone come in weekly. Gave it up, and have not brought her back. The house is not ready for entertainment without significant spiffing up these days, that is for sure. Any time kids have a day off from summer activities or school, I do leave a note on the counter with a couple of chores for them to do during the day, which helps (I’m not there nagging, the note is!).</p>
<p>I cook the stuff we like in double batches, and freeze some. A Subway sandwich or Arby’s market fresh sandwich makes it onto our dinner table about once a week. We also eat “easy stuff” (breakfast for dinner - frozen waffles with strawberries & whipped cream are a favorite!) once or twice a week.</p>
<p>I sit down on Sunday morning and go over the upcoming week’s calendar. Everyone in our house knows that if they don’t write an item on the calendar, they are in big trouble… Make up menus (based on coupons in Sunday paper), communicate with ex-spouse if needed on transportation for kids that week, etc. Go to the grocery store that day and try to shop for the whole week to avoid additional stops.</p>
<ol>
<li>A sense of humor</li>
<li>The ability to laugh at one’s self (goes along with1)</li>
<li>A husband/significant other who doesn’t mind helping out around the house. Bless his heart, my husband has been cleaning the bathroom for 25 years!</li>
</ol>
<p>I also vote for collaborative effort as a way to vanquish resentment. Spouse, friend, cleaning lady … I don’t think it matters so long as two are working toward a common goal.</p>
) is interrupting that schedule - you pare down and learn to make priorities and make do - at least temporarily untiil you can manage your time a little better and have times that ease up a bit.</p>