<p>This is a serious dilemma we are going through right now. Sadly , our family lost a very close friend this week. It was somewhat unexpected , but not entirely as he lived with a chronic illness that he didn’t manage as well as he should have. It has been traumatic for my husband and I and another close friend / business partner as we were the ones who discovered him.
Not only was he a close friend, but he worked for our company and really was more like family to us…and not only us but the numerous young folks who had the pleasure to work with him over the last decade… I am sad to think that he never knew just how much he impacted the lives of the " kids " who worked with him…some of whom sort of grew up with him.
He was never married and also had no children
He does have a somewhat large family of brothers and sisters and his mother and step-dad
They seem to be leaning towards not having a funeral or memorial service . We are not sure if this is because of finances ( let’s say they are a " frugal " bunch, though some have comfortable incomes ) </p>
<p>Question is , would it be out of line if we as his other family decided to hold a gathering in his honor ? So many people are looking to us for comfort and we feel like we would like to honor him in some way , but we don’t have any idea what the protocol is in such a situation and do not want to over step the boundaries with his blood family
Anyone out there have any experience with this type of situation ?</p>
<p>Tough call. It is expensive to have a service if you involve a funeral home. Is he going to be cremated? If so, you can have a very inexpensive service if you want to do something. Maybe get some ideas together and ask the parents what they think. If you can work something up that you are comfortable paying for, they might be ok with that. Is it possible to have something at your office even?? If he was religious, maybe his church would have a space to use for a gathering of some kind and not involve a funeral home past the cremation itself?</p>
<p>If the family is not on board with doing something, I see no reason why you couldn’t have a work related gathering without them though.</p>
<p>If it would offer comfort to his “other family”, I’d host a gathering of some sort–perhaps call it a rememberance. Not at a funeral home, I’d likely do it at my home or a restaurant/hall/park. Just a place where friends could gather, share memories, share photos (if you have them). Sort of like the reception after the funeral services in a more traditional situation.</p>
<p>My sympathies for your loss. Sometimes friends are the family you add…</p>
<p>Oh and when MIL died she left a list of what to do for every aspect; one thing specified was that we should all go out to dinner (approx. 30 family members) and she left money for it! Well, it was the nicest afternoon. Most folks sat around and told stories about her; many we had never heard before. It was very comforting and sweetened a sad situation. Cousins told how beautiful she was as a young elegant woman and the youngsters got to hear about how others perceived their crotchity old grams. Truly magical. Highly recommend.</p>
<p>Rent or use a conference style room for a celebration of life gathering. It could be as simple as having drinks and small desserts. If you have pictures copy them and spread them around at the tables in the room. Simple and classy at the same time. Have someone speak about your friend and then people can mingle and talk about their experience of your friend.</p>
<p>Feel free to invite his family. Maybe it will spark something in them to do more.</p>
<p>I’m sorry for your loss. Anything from the heart cannot be wrong. Do what feels right to you.</p>
<p>I agree: It’s not your place to have an actual memorial “service,” but you can have a “gathering” and remember him among yourselves. The family should be informed and invited; there may be many things that come up during the remembrance that they are not aware of. But whether to attend or not is their choice. You’re doing this for you and his colleagues, not for the family.</p>
<p>My condolences for your loss. I second what others have said about having a memorial gathering to honor his memory.</p>
<p>My dad passed away several years ago after a long battle with Alzheimer’s. He was most adamantly not a church-goer for much of his life, and would have hated any sort of typical “funeral” service (he was cremated). So, several months after his death, at a time when we could all get together, my brothers and I hosted a memorial gathering at a sort of pub in his hometown (none of us actually live there any more), and we put notices in the paper and invited all the colleagues and friends we could reach. I made a slide show about his life, and also had lots of his favorite music to play, and we invited people to share stories as they wished. We catered food and had champagne for everyone to toast our dad. </p>
<p>It was a perfect celebration of his life and of his life’s work (he was a Psychologist who did a great deal of work to establish rights to community mental health services in the state where he lived). Friends came from all over and it was just perfect. He would have approved, I think. VERY unconventional, but just what he would have wanted…</p>
<p>After growing up in a family that didn’t “do funerals,” I’m a confirmed believer in the importance of memorial gatherings. You need to celebrate his life and mourn your loss. Recently I went to dinner at someone’s home to remember a friend and colleagues who had died of cancer–lots of memories and laughter along with sadness for a wonderful man who died way too young.</p>
<p>Sorry for your loss and so sorry that you were the one to find him. You might want to speak to a professional if that continues to haunt you (which it might). </p>
<p>Do what you want. You can host it in your home or some other venue. You don’t have to include the cheap family members…just your circle of people who will miss him.</p>
<p>My FIL was a non-religous Jewish man and he wouldn’t have wanted any kind of religious service. He wanted to be cremated, which he was. His ashes were buried in a cemetary. We gathered for that, stood around the plot, each person said some words, and then later we had a luncheon. </p>
<p>Did I miss what happened to this man’s body? Was he cremated? or what? Where are his remains? If they have been buried, then why not start at that place and then go somewhere after?</p>
<p>I think you can organize a celebration of someone’s life as a memorial and tribute, which is different than the actual funeral. In fact, maybe even wait a couple of weeks so it is not the timing of a “funeral.” Certainly invite the family if they wish to come but organize this for friends/colleagues of the person. It could be like a reception or gathering at a place or even a home, and even potluck to cut expenses, and people can get up an speak about the person and so on. </p>
<p>Sympathies for your loss and the difficult situation of discovering the death.</p>
<p>Thanks for the stories and advice. We are thinking about a gathering at our home. His family has decided to have an autopsy performed and then have him cremated. I didn’t actually see him but our partner did as he broke into his home. My husband was the last one to see him and talk to him before he passed. While I am certainly grieving I am not dealing with what they are .
Besides our family , he was also very close to his lifelong best friend’s family so we are hoping to discuss it with them too</p>
<p>I think a gathering at your home would be lovely. Everyone could tell stories and comfort each other. I personally think this would be more touching than some funeral services that I have been to.</p>
<p>My mom was adamant about “not having people look at her.” I’m not sure what she did for my dad. I know they had a visitation at the funeral home and a gravesite service, but I was stuck in Europe with an infant and couldn’t come home. She had been in a nursing home for 8 months. Because I did not live nearby and although I was able to visit, my brother and sister bore the brunt of her care. So when it came to a funeral, I did not want to horn in too much on arrangements. There was just a graveside service, conducted by my cousin, for immediate family (children and grandchildren). My father’s sister and her 2 daughters were there because they insisted on it. I thought that was a bit sparse, since she had lived a long life and had many friends. But I let it go. We then went to a pizza place for a meal and spent a lot of time reminiscing about her. </p>
<p>I am still uncomfortable more than 10 years later with that. On the other hand, when I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered by H and Ss in the Mediterranean or the Caribbean. I would not be upset at all if they chose to have no service whatsoever.</p>
<p>I also think that you would not be out of line to invite his family members to your gathering. They may be pleasantly surprised and touched by what they hear.</p>
<p>Years ago, our minister told a story like this at our Christmas Eve service. He was contacted to perform a service for a single man who lived in an apartment above a pizzeria, and was clearly regarded as a friendless loser and a disappointment to the family by his sibling who was making the arrangements. At the last minute, said to us, “Love walked in.” The family who owned the pizzeria arrived, full of stories about how three generations of their family had been close friends with and loved this man.</p>
<p>When my mother died, she had relocated to near us…and really had few friends in the area. We did not have a funeral, but instead had a nice open house at our home for our friends who wanted to pay their respects. It was very informal, and really folks came and went. In our case, my coworkers actually took charge of arranging some refreshments. Since you are talking about a co-worker and friend, perhaps folks would be willing to bring an appetizer or finger food dessert.</p>
<p>My (NYC) neighborhood has a tradition of having “celebrations” of someone’s life. I think part of it is that my neighborhood is very diverse. Not everyone is comfortable with attending services in another faith. Additionally, sometimes the funeral and burial is held elsewhere, as in the situation thumper describes. Friends and neighbors want something here. </p>
<p>So, we have these celebrations. Some of them have been truly extraordinary. You can’t plan that. It just happens or it doesn’t. </p>
<p>Have a script. One part of the planning is to send out an email asking if anyone would like to say a few words–no more than 3 minutes or so. Sometimes, the most poignant stories come from people you would not expect to say anything. So, have it planned out in advance who will speak. You can allow folks to speak extemporaneously, but it’s been my own experience that the speeches tend to be better when people have given them some advanced thought.</p>
<p>If you have any photos of the person, have those on display. </p>
<p>If the person had any favorite music, play it and say that’s why. (Ask this in advance too. Sometimes, other people will know more about these things than you might.) </p>
<p>Personally, I think it’s nice to have it somewhere quasi-public so you can put up signs or tell organizations he belonged to about the service so strangers can come. But, of course, it’s fine to have one just for the people he worked with.</p>
<p>I love the ideas here posted here and I think we will use some of them. It looks like we will indeed host a gathering here at our house. There are a couple of other people who will help out with the food . I love the idea of gathering pics of him…we have some and I am sure some others can contribute. Probably won’t happen for a month because of prior commitments and also some of the people are in college and would be hard for them to attend.
Our partner ( who was one of the two that broke in and found him ) is really struggling with this and angry that his family isn’t putting anything together. Maybe it’s how he channels his emotions ?
He said that the siblings are digging thru his home because there is supposedly cash hidden there…tough one there</p>
<p>I’ve known many families who did not have any kind of memorial when a loved one died. Really that is their choice. It is lovely that you are organizing a nice time to remember your friend and colleague. It doesn’t “step on the toes” of the family because it’s really a gathering of mutual friends/coworkers. To be honest, I would not open this up to “strangers”.</p>
<p>I don’t want strangers…our friend doesn’t even want to invite his siblings because he is very angry but that might just be a knee jerk thing
He wasn’t involved in any organizations .
My husband wants to start a scholarship fund in his name and I love this idea
He was genuinely interested in all of the kid’s educational goals and accomplishments</p>