<p>Yesterday I invited my unmarried 40-year old nephew to spend Christmas Day with our family, as he did last year. He said he was spending this Christmas with his brothers, so we decided on another day this week. This nephew is living in his father’s house, which he inherited after his father died last year. His father and my sister divorced more than 25 years ago, and my ex-BIL began a long-term dating relationship with a woman whom he married shortly before he died. This woman, who is now my nephew’s stepmom, does not live in the house but stays there now and then between travels (she is an airline attendant). During the conversation with my nephew, he suddenly asked if his stepmother could come with him to dinner at our house because she was there this week. Being caught completely by surprise, I said yes. Now that I think about it, I really don’t want her to come. We have had severe financial problems over the last year and our home reflects it (my term, “a dump”). I don’t mind having family over, because family doesn’t care what your house looks like. But I don’t want to have to worry about what a stranger, in this case the wife of my sister’s ex, will think of our living circumstances. I’m tempted to call my nephew and ask that he not bring his stepmother. Should I, or am I being ungracious, considering that my nephew obviously likes his stepmother.</p>
<p>You might like her too. I think you should err on the side of being generous.</p>
<p>She’s not going to be judging you for how your house looks-she’s going to be glad to be included on a day people don’t like to be alone. My parents went through economic ups and downs, and had 5 kids, three dogs and a cat and lived where the yard was often a mess in the winter. The dining room table had been a chew toy for the Great Danes and you know what? Every single Christmas they invited anyone they knew who had nowhere else to go to our house. When they died we had people come up to us at both wakes remembering holidays from decades ago when our scruffy home had been the only bright spot in an otherwise bleak day. So go for it in the spirit of the holiday. I’m sure she won’t mind the setting-it’s the people who matter.</p>
<p>Besides, UNinviting someone is far less gracious, no matter the reason, than anything she might think to herself about the decor.</p>
<p>She is not coming to see your house. She is coming so she will not be alone that night…and your nephew seems to have noted this.</p>
<p>I would be generous…and invite her.</p>
<p>I really think people worry too much about how they think other people view them or their belongings. I’ve learned that people in general (always a few exceptions), especially around the holidays, care far more about being with family or friends than about the state of things. </p>
<p>Just let her come. I’m sure she just wants to be around people and your nephew obviously cares for her. It’s the holidays :)</p>
<p>I cannot imagine that I’d be happy if I were in your situation. I don’t like hosting anybody; hosting people I don’t know, I find especially disagreeable.</p>
<p>That having been said, I can’t see a way to rescind this invitation that isn’t–I’m using your word because I think it was so well chosen–ungracious. This nephew seems to be of some importance to you, and she seems to be, understandably, important to him. I hope you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the way this all turns out.</p>
<p>I wouldnt worry about it.
Turn off the lights except for christmas lights and use lots of candles!
We are living in our starter house, and virtually everyone I know has a bigger, newer home.
The people that will say something ( my inlaws) will say something no matter* what* your house looks like or how big it is.Most other people will not, even if they have to move piles of stuff to sit down. :o
Its better for people to be living within their means than be underwater in a house they cant afford.
The more the merrier at the holidays is my mantra.</p>
<p>You said “Yes”. It’s a bit late to univite someone for Tuesday, now that it is Sunday. But, you’ll get to know her and if you don’t like her, that 'll be it. You can make sure she isn’t invited or you’ll come up with a “not this time” in future requests, if that’s the case. Next time, don’t be so quick to say “yes” if you have reservations.</p>
<p>It’s too late - you already invited her.</p>
<p>Don’t worry about the house - that has no significance. People all over the country are visiting friends and relatives who live in homes in worse shape than yours but manage to have a good time because, who really cares about the house that much in a context like this?</p>
<p>She’ll only be her a few hours and it’ll be filled with dinner and delicious desserts so don’t worry about it.</p>
<p>And I’d give second thought to some bigger ideas, too.
What is Op’s objective for the dinner? Is it having people over to enjoy of spending time with friends and family? Is it to share in good company? Or is it to show off one’s house?
If the idea behind the meaning of the dinner is to show off, then I strongly urge Op to cancel.</p>
<p>I agree with others here. You’ve already invited her. I imagine a flight attendant might have challenges finding local friendships. If she is judgmental about your home, don’t invite her back. I do understand your feelings, but you need to deal with them, which you are hopefully doing right here with us.</p>
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<p>You can also think of it as your nephew’s new mother if that makes it seem more like family.</p>
<p>I think any one who is related to one of your relatives, is now your relative too!
Plus, is someone who doesn’t have anywhere else to go on one of the most significant holidays of the year for people to spend with friends and family, really going to be anything but appreciative that you have invited her into your home?
Uninviting someone, especially for what frankly would be a very poor reason would bound to earn you lots of bad karma points. But instead, you get to be generous to
a stranger, & isn’t that what Christmas is all about? :)</p>
<p>" But instead, you get to be generous to stranger, & isn’t that what Christmas is all about?"</p>
<p>That’s how we were raised. In the Polish tradition, you even set a place for a possible stranger stopping by at the Christmas table. My parents took that literally and invited people to share the day with us. Many of these strangers and casual acquaintances became good friends over the years. I don’t understand people who won’t invite people they don’t know to gatherings-how do you grow your circle of friends?</p>
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<p>This. </p>
<p>Your nephew’s stepmom may very well have nowhere else to go on Christmas. She will not care what your house looks like, only that she has someone who has invited her to be with them on a holiday.</p>
<p>Sometimes I think I’d like to shrink my circle of friends, but that’s just a bad attitude.</p>
<p>Is your sister in the picture? How does she feel about all this? Next time someone puts you on the spot, practice saying the words “May I get back to you on that?”</p>
<p>If your sister is not a factor, I agree that you have no way to graciously uninvite the woman.</p>
<p>“am I being ungracious”</p>
<p>in a word: yes</p>
<p>I probably have the least fabulous house on my block. But for some reason we always have a big group of friends and neighbors over for Christmas Eve. What people think of our old furniture and worn floors is the absolute least of my concerns. In fact it would never occur to me. I LOVE HAVING FOLKS OVER. But if being a hostess to others is not your thing, it’s a little too late. Think how you would feel in her situation. A little compassion might be in order.</p>
<p>Your nephew probably really did forget when you set up the date, then felt that he would be rude to his guest if he just went out and left her for an evening. I say do a “room rescue” on the areas of the house they will see (just stack things up if they are spread out – actually DOING something with pile of paper can be too overwhelming in a short timeframe – so just stack & move it, vacuum/sweep the middles of the floor, give the bathroom a quick clean) and shut the door/don’t invite them into areas of the house that you don’t want them to see. If you have a signficant other or kids at home, press them into service to help out. You would be amazed at what you can accomplish in one concentrated hour IF your goal is just to get to presentable, not to actually deal with all the things that have accumulated. (I just did it today with D1 coming home for the week – I got more done in an hour and a quarter than I thought possible! Even got D2 to clean their bathroom and vacuum her own room!) Also agree with emeraldkity4 about the lighting, that is also helpful.</p>
<p>Personally I think everyone’s gut instincts were doing the right thing. Your nephew asked first, instead of just showing up. Then, he asked to include her MIL because he clearly enjoys and values your company, instead of cancelling his visit. Your first instinct was to say yes, and that was the response of a caring family member.</p>
<p>In our family we have an unbreakable motto - It’s better to include than to exclude. </p>
<p>Someone told me a great story. The very famous son of a hugely famous father had a business reason to talk to my friend who was a thousand rungs below him in the company chain. In the course of the discussion, she mentioned she couldn’t work that weekend because she had a family barbecue. He started asking her about it, and on the spur of the moment, she invited him - and he said yes. </p>
<p>So he, who grew up in several multi-milion dollar mansions, showed up at her backyard barbecue, in her humble little 3-room middle class house. She was embarrassed by having invited him, but tried to make him feel welcome. </p>
<p>She said that when he was leaving, he gave her a hug and said how much he’d enjoyed being with an actual family. He said he wasn’t used to being with people who loved each other. And she had been worried about how small her house was !</p>