To keep quiet or not-- what would you do?

Parent Cafe
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<p>This is such an interesting thread. </p>

<p>If I were inviting friends out to a Birthday dinner for my husband, I wouldn’t expect anyone to chip in for the meal. I would consider it as a birthday party for my husband and would pay the entire bill myself. If I were having the birthday dinner at my house, I wouldn’t go around the room collecting money from my guests. At least that’s how I look at it.</p>

<p>If I called my female friends to arrange a birthday lunch or dinner for another female friend, I would say something like—“I thought it would be nice if WE take her out for her birthday. What do you think?”. In this case, we would simply divide the bill (excluding the birthday girl).</p>

<p>Your case isn’t as clear cut. You’re wondering if this is a birthday celebration dinner or a combined birthday celebration and thank you celebration. </p>

<p>jym626, I guess you have to figure out how much you value this friendship. Is it strong enough that you can overlook being irked every time she pulls this kind of stuff?
You know she is not going to change her behavior in the future. You could let the friendship fizzle out quietly or step up and tell her exactly how you feel. </p>

<p>Good luck and let us know what happens.</p>

<p>This thread is too funny. I think we all have that one cheap friend who tries to get out of paying their fair share. If I remember correctly, there was a Two and a Half Men episode (the original version) where Allen would run to the bathroom everytime the dinner bill came to the table. Charlie finally realized the pattern and decided to follow Allen into the bathroom. It was a funny episode.</p>

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<p>^^I think that is a clear POV and I agree with the advice.</p>

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<p>A close relative tried this with us. They’d sold their house (near us), but were postponing moving to their new house in another city for a few months so their elementary-aged children could finish the school semester. This was a job-related move, and I knew that the relative’s employer would pay for interim housing in our city.</p>

<p>So my relative calls, and asks if the four of them can stay with the four of us. For three months. :eek: This was a totally insane idea, and my relative knew it. We’ve got totally different lifestyles. Totally different tastes in food. One (very small!) spare bedroom. Another larger spare bedroom that’s in constant use as an in-home office. They’re TV fiends–we’ve got one TV, no cable. Etc, etc, etc. For a week, sure. For two weeks in a pinch, we’d manage. But three months? I was (and still am!) gobsmacked that they even considered it. There would have been murder done. But hey, they would’ve been able to pocket a few thousand bucks.</p>

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<p>They recently had a scenario like this on the radio show I listen to in the morning. They have a therapist come in to give advice. He said that sometimes we have a tendancy to try and put our expectations of who a person should be onto that person… and then we are continually frustrated when that person is who they are and not who we want them to be. We can’t change who a person is, but we can take our expectations out of the equation and deal with the consequences so the cycle of frustration and hurt doesn’t continue. Your friend knows who she is, and you know every time she does this that it isn’t just a fluke-- this is who she is, and she is telling you that over and over again and you are ignoring it and continuing to expect more from her than she is willing to give. I think you either need to accept the person she is, and continue to deal with these kinds of things-- which maybe the friendship is worth, maybe it isn’t–, or distance yourself from the friendship. Since the birthday dinner is now an established plan, if it were me I’d grin and bear it to avoid things turning ugly, but maybe make myself a little less available after that. Suddenly become very busy with a new hobby. No need to burn any bridges, but you don’t deserve to be taken advantage of and it doesn’t seem like your friend has any intention of changing. You are a dog chasing its tail continuing to expect better from her.</p>

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<p>Jym - Just when you’ve shed one set of uncaring compatriots (ie., the crowd that bought the house), along comes another set. No, it’s not your fault. Yes, you deserve better. But on to real life …</p>

<p>The advice to “wait and see” is well-intended, but it’s obvious you won’t be enjoying the night out while “waiting” to see if your friend offers to pay the dinner bill. Best case? Your friend doesn’t cancel out of the show, and while you two are waiting to go in the friend says something along the lines of “You know, I’ve been thinking about the dinner. That was supposed to be a thank you for your generosity. Since I can’t change my H’s birthday, let’s plan a different date for the Thank You Dinner … and let’s make it something REALLY special.”</p>

<p>Chances of that happening, given your friend’s history? Um, I take the Fifth on that. Since you won’t enjoy the dinner due to angst over this “I’ll party, you pay” attitude, I suggest cancelling out. If asked why, respond honestly … “Something private’s come up.”</p>

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<p>I also had a work associate who was a nice but scatterbrained person ask if he could stay with us for some indeterminate period of time during his divorce. It would have been a nightmare. We said no.</p>

<p>The thing about this situation is that she changed it. Way back wehn she said they wanted to take us out. When we finally scheduled this I assumed that was the plan. Now (today) she has invited this third couple and announced that we are celebratingher husbands birthday, which is what prompted my starting this thread. I can simply say I am confused and that I thought we were going out as a thank you for our hospitality. I dont wnat to be a jerk. But I dont want to be a patsy.</p>

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<p>I agree with others who say that the birthday dinner is probably being given by the inviting couple. I can’t imagine any other arrangement. If I invite people to a restaurant dinner, saying that it is a birthday celebration for DH, I would expect to pay for the whole thing. It is kind of cheap to fold this in with the “thank you” dinner, but it sounds like this friend has a pattern of imposing on your generosity. I would definitely not buy any more tickets, let her order and pay for them and reimburse her. It also sounds like all of you are busy, as you have so much trouble finding dates to get together. Maybe this friendship isn’t worth so much space in your busy life?</p>

<p>I have to say that I’m confused about the pattern of horning in on your plans with other, and bringing others into your plans with her. This seems strange to me, and I have never encountered anything like it.</p>

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<p>Based on past experience, I do not anticipate that they will pick up the entire tab for everyones meals, but I could be wrong. </p>

<p>Emaheevul- LOL that is the exact advice I have given others!! And I don’t think I am expecting her to be more than she is. But she sprung the change on us and then announced it. If it were me I’d have asked before doing it, but thats not her. Shes a tad ont he self focused side and I know that. I didnt see this one coming, and I really do like the other couple (who we met through friend number 1). I am not prepared to end my friendship, and it would affect relationships with other mutual friends who I really like. I am just reaching the end of my rope. This is just annoying. </p>

<p>And you are right, newhope. Get rid of one annoyance, and up pops another… </p>

<p>I dont want to make this bigger than it is. I just am mulling over if/what/when to say something. And everyones comments have been very helpful.</p>

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<p>When one is continually taken advantage of, (even if that means being on the hook, waiting to see if she shows up for the theatre, pays for her ticket, returns goods, whatever,) often you have to see how you are allowing or enabling the other to get away with it. Why should HG change, if her methods work for her? We used to call it co-dependency, no? I understand not wanting to make a fuss, but make sure your own interests, costs of a ticket, etc, are being met- that this isn’t just trying to be polite and endure, out of some misplaced sense of what’s good manners. It is absolutely fair to say, “I bought the tickets and would like to take care of the bill; do you mind just dropping the $ off, so it’s done with?” And, if needed, “In case there’s a snafu that night or we’re delayed or forget…”</p>

<p>Re: ordinary meals out: it’s not always a matter of graciously splitting the bill when the diners may not all have similar resources and/or one over-orders. Among a close group of my lunch friends, one will often pull out his or her cash first, lay it on the table and say, eg, mine’s roughly $7, but I’ll throw in $10. The extra, which more than coverd a tip, is generous, but less than underwriting the big eater or drinker. </p>

<p>As for the theatre, I would have politely re-asked her to drop the check off. “That way, we don’t have to worry about it on the night of the event.” If she declined, I’d say it again, “in case there’s any snafu or we forget to deal with this.”</p>

<p>And, the thank you dinner? If she were gracious, if she followed your code of manners, she would have clarified to you, by now, that you and DH are still her guests. Be prepared to be forgotten.</p>

<p>But, remember the phrase: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.</p>

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<p>JYM, at first my first question was “Is this the friend that…” yes, you answered that later in the thread.</p>

<p>I think you are right to feel confused. I vote with the people who say to clarify it before dinner. </p>

<p>I ALSO think this might be a case of her being clueless, not malicious. Just one of those things that she doesn’t know bothers anyone since maybe it (and the borrowing, etc) don’t bother her. I suggest you have the obligation to let her know what you think. She might be grateful to have it explained. One of those difficult, but necessary bits of sharing that help a relationship go…somewhere. It may be something like roomies having to come to agreement on the “ONE TRUE WAY” to load the toilet paper (over or under?), you don’t have to make it a judgement call, just an acknowledgement that there is a different POV.</p>

<p>But I see this long term irritation as a wound that is growing. So you need to step up, put some antiseptic on it even though it stings. It will get better or scar over, but hopefully won’t keep growing. </p>

<p>Proactive is often better than reactive for results… just my 2$ , YMMV.</p>

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<p>I don’t feel that I can now ask her for the check, but if she cancels on me (it is still a week away and its possible) I will let her know that this is the second time and I do think I should be reimbursed for the ticket. This one wasnt terribly expensive, but still, its the principal. I shouldnt have to ASK her for the money, She knows I bought the tickets, and she said she’d drop it off. I am going to let that go for now. It feels petty.</p>

<p>That said, I am beginning to think about emailing and confirming with her now that the dinner next week is still to thank us (ny husband and I, so she doesnt try to cover just her dinner with me) for our hospitality as we had planned. Now that I am chewing on this, I am getting stirred up and dont know if I want to sit on it for a week. Poo.</p>

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<p>Well said, eso. I do think she is clueless (as I said), not malicious, and yes, I think she does assume that it doesnt bother anyone else. When she has horned in on our social plans, she (and then her DH on the other side of the table when we sat in a booth) plops herself in the middle seat between the two other couples and dominates the conversation, often with the other people we had initially invited, leaving us to sit there by ourselves, left out of the conversation. So I just say no now when she tries to invite herself, whichis an awkward position to be in.</p>

<p>If I do email her to clarify that the dinner is still the thank you for our hospitality, I will not mention a work about her DHs birthday, I could say "just confirming that our couples dinner next Sat is the one we’d planned as a thank you for our hospitality. I am wouldnt want the other couple to feel funny when you pick up our tab (well, not quite so blunt, but something like that)</p>

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<p>That sounds good, jym. I think you have to say something. As for her horning in on your plans with other people, you could just say something like, "It’s been a while since we’ve seen the Xs, and we want to focus on catching up with them on Friday. Why don’t you schedule something with them separately? (or, why don’t we plan something together for another date?)</p>

<p>How does she hear about your plans with others?</p>

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<p>She has already invited this other couple and sent me an email to let me know. If I said to uninvite them it woudl be inappropriate. ANd we really like the other couple, who had to cancel out on us when we were supposed to see them last, so I’d like to see them!
So I am going to say:</p>

<p>Are XXXXXX able to join us that Saturday? That’s great, as we’d love to see them! I just wanted to clarify that I thought this was the dinner that you and XXX wanted to take DH and I out for in appreciation of our hospitality back in January, and I don’t want XXXX to feel funny or awkward in any way if you are paying for us. Do you think that would be a concern, or am I being overly sensitive to her feelings, which I tend to do, as you know.</p>

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<p>Its is indeed possible that she’ll now suggest she pay for Friday’s dinner. If so, well so be it. Its not worth reminding her that it was OUR hospitality, not MY hospitality. And yes, she already told the third couple that we were going out to celebrate her DH’s birthday. So I would not be at ALL surprised if we are expected to pay. I might as well just get myself prepared for it.</p>

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<p>And that will be her opening to say something like, “Oh, no, let’s save that dinner for another time, okay? We’ll make this one just a birthday dinner!” </p>

<p>And then you will be waiting…and probably waiting some more…Really, since this friend seems to upset you, is her supposed friendship worth it?</p>

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<p>You are absolutely right, CTTC, but I will remind her that we have had a hard time getting our schedules together, so I’d prefer we keep our plans as we initially made them.</p>

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<p>So ok-- agree that it’ll be either the fri dinner paid for or a cheap bottle of wine. But its better than thinking about it for a week</p>

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<p>If she suggests paying for friday, maybe I’d say that it was our hospitality and that would seem to be an unfair message to my husband. I probably wouldnt say it, truth be told, but I’d think it.</p>

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<p>To make sure I’m understanding this correctly, jym, this friend has invited you and another couple out to dinner to celebrate her own husband’s birthday? (At first I thought it was the husband of the other couple.) If this is her own DH’s birthday, and she did the inviting, the only proper thing to do would be for her to pick up the entire check.<br>
Isn’t it possible that that is the plan, and she just included this other couple to “roll two into one” so to speak?<br>
I can’t in my wildest dreams imagine inviting a couple, or two, to celebrate any kind of family event that I initiate and then expect them to pay. Who behaves this way?</p>