<p>I had a wine experience like you describe, Seahorsesrock, last year for my husbands birthday. I invited the guests and, since it was my party, I was picking up the check. One of my husbands friends is a huge wine fan, and brought some of his own wine to be served at the restaurant. Fine. Then he got intrigued by the wine list, and started ordering bottles of very expensive wine. I silently freaked out, but decided we could handle this. However, when the bill came, none of the alcohol was on it at all, this guy had taken care of the bar bill without even mentioning it to me, so my little party was very reasonable, since I did expect to pay for the wine and cocktails.</p>
<p>With this birthday dinner, I guess I would just expect your friend to pay, since that was the original arrangement, which the birthday party aspect doesn’t change, IMO.</p>
<p>And how nice you are, to host them in their time of need.</p>
<p>^I’m betting that the H picked out the good bourbon. It’s not exactly consistent with your friend’s style, when she’s in a choosing position, to choose generously or fairly. She obviously has other fun qualities, though. But I think I’ve counted about 20 things in this thread that are irritating. Tough balance.</p>
<p>I am trying to anticipate what her response is going to be. In the long run, whatever she does, I just want to not feel annoyed about it, so I am glad I will hopefully have some notion now rather than a week or more from now. I do not see any reason to agree to postponing our thank you dinner because she chose to invite another couple and change the stated reason for the gathering. I seriously doubt the third couple has any clue that this was originally a thank you dinner.</p>
<p>If she had replaced my expensive bourbon with cheap drek I’d have said something.
OK, to give you a better balance, she coordinated the shivah we had at my house when we returned from my dad’s funeral (well I had already done that for her previously, so we’re even on that one), but she also came up with me to help clean out my dads house (as did another 2 very very wonderful people). She also sat with me, as did another friend, inthe waiting room when my DH had surgery. So yes, she is a good friend. Just quirky.</p>
<p>I like the idea of an e-mail, asking if this is still the T-U dinner, and should this woman ask for 2 checks, one for her and you, and the other for the other couple? Say, you don’t want their to be be misunderstandings, just joyfulness at getting together with friends and b/d. Let her know that you will let the other couple know.</p>
<p>I always believe people will be who they are. My ‘cheap’ friend is still that way; my generous friends the same. when we go out in large group, I make sure I have cash. One person often forgets.</p>
<p>Well, that makes it hard. She is the best of friends for the rare, tough times, but the worst of friends for the everyday times. I can see why you’re conflicted (isn’t that a good therapist word?)</p>
<p>DING DING DING!! You pegged it CPPT!! She said she completely forgot that we were doing it as a thank you, and we should reset that for another time, when she thinks we are going with them to another play (which we are not). Here’s what I said in response:</p>
<p>XXXX-
We are not going to XXXX. I don’t know anything about XXXX. You must be going with someone else. I 've seen it 4 times already. I would not be interested in seeing it again. To be completely honest, we’ve had such a difficult time getting our schedules together, I would really, really prefer we keep next Saturday’s (the 31st) dinner as our thank you dinner. But I would love for XXXXX to join us for sure. I am sure you can explain it to them and you can handle the bill between you and them however you feel comfortable. "</p>
<p>I read this absolutely fascinated and by the end I was here rooting for you,hoping you had a backbone. And you do! Congrats, that is great! I think she has a convenient memory, but probably has a heart of gold for the big things in life. However, to me this day in day out stuff wears on me and I usually find myself putting a distance on people I consider to be selfish or thoughtless. </p>
<p>I find it easier to just be upfront about stuff like this. Do you tend to have friends in the same socioeconomic background, are you two about similar in that regard?</p>
<p>When we went out for dinner with a new bunch of friends we established right off the bat that we’ll just split - one of us may get an appetizer, another an extra drink, but it all evens out over time. We went out one night after something and they had a late lunch and just had drinks and soup, but hubby and I ate meals. We picked up that bill and I know it bothered them that we did that. The next time they were quick to pay. I learned my lesson, they do not want us picking up the bill for them.</p>
<p>Aha-- I realized that she had the name of the play wrong and , yes, whoever guessed that she was trying to go cheap and pay for our ladies dinner the night before was correct. So where’s what I sent as a follow-up:</p>
<p>Wait- I think you mean “xxx”, not xxx. To be perfectly honest again, I told DH that you and your DH were taking us out as a thank you for our hospitality. We were both hosts, not just me. I absolutely do not want to exclude him. So I would ask that you and I keep our plans for xxx separate, you and I can either pay for our own dinners or we can work that out with the cost of the ticket . I also think that xxx andxxxx wont care, so I am sure we can do separate checks on Saturday, and you can take ours and yours, and she and XXX can take theirs. Problem solved.</p>
<p>This thread is making me feel better about my family, which is spread out from sea to shining sea … and overseas. Whenever some part of the family gets together the host (i.e., local) family picks up the bill, as their way of saying “Thanks for taking time from your busy lives to visit us.” (It does get a little complicated when two sets are “local.” But it’s invariably a problem of too much money on the table, and that’s not a bad problem to have.)</p>
<p>Isn’t it funny that we have to explore ourselves and what we say when, really, the other person is being rude, not us. One of my first jobs there was a boss who was literally a pervert and part of his MO was that people do not expect and are not prepared to adequately respond to his shocking statements and actions (sly fondling that was so borderline a naive person might think it was just an accident)</p>
<p>IME, manipulative people are successful because they push the limits of social mores and others are so taken aback that they let the person get away with their goals. Good on you, Jym, for calling her out on her routine. Everything you said to her is unemotional and straightforward clarification, yet somehow, even you- a professional- had to think it through before proceeding.</p>
<p>You are a shining example of titanium spine :D</p>
<p>I just caught up on this thread as there were so many posts in just a few hours!</p>
<p>Frankly, I find it hard to believe that this woman is so forgetful, and/or clueless. She sounds to me like she uses and manipulates, but gives you enough carrots to keep you as a “friend”. It is too bad that you need to keep up such a “friendship” in order to be friendly with the other people in this circle, but I understand that. So glad that you were direct with her!</p>