To keep quiet or not-- what would you do?

Parent Cafe
101

<p>I am glad you finally got through this, worked a chunk of this out through the conversations here- or at least, worked things out, so far. I’ve just been going through something similarly unbalanced with a relative who is, out of her own “good will,” “good manners,” and desire to be appreciative of some past favors, allowing a lopsided relationship to continue “as is.” It’s crushing her, which is more than, I think, quite what you are trying to sort through here.</p>

<p>But, my mom radar is still up. Forgive me. </p>

<p>You wrote, “if I tell her she should have asked me first before changing the plans, I look bad or difficult.” And, similar concerns.</p>

<p>No. You have a right to expect respectful behavior from her, things returned, ticket costs reimbursed in a timely manner, theatre dates kept or at least paid for, some recollection of why she invited you to dinner, etc. You don’t trample her because she has lapses, but neither should any of us continue to accept more responsibility for her “lapses” or “quirky” behaviors than…well, than we are responsible for. Enabling is about allowing yourself to be dissed, challenged or asked to be the better person, to your detriment.</p>

<p>If you really LIKE her (different than appreciating a few niceties she did,) then you go about this gracefully. If it’s bothering you, please don’t blame yourself! Yes, it’s hard when there is a group of friends.</p>

<p>As said, sorry for momming here. In my case, the suffering relative is my own daughter.</p>

102

<p>I’d say this situation is the straw that broke the camel’s back.</p>

<p>How can someone act like this and really be your friend?</p>

<p>In your shoes, I would be very disappointed in this person and no longer willing to do all the giving in order to continue the friendship.</p>

103

<p>jym- please let us know how she responds to your last “problem solved” email.</p>

<p>I still can’t get over the invitation to her Dh’s birthday dinner where she expects you to pay. Maybe she’s hoping you’ll chip in for their dinner as well…after all, it’s his birthday! :rolleyes:</p>

<p>You may not hear from her right away. She’s probably pouting, or trying to figure out a way around doing the right thing.</p>

104

<p>Jym, I agree that you did a great job with your email and follow up. Hope all goes well.</p>

<p>EPTR, the site to which I referred is: [Etiquette</a> Hell - Index](<a href=“http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?PHPSESSID=2d7ace3fcca7dde35741a70fae99e688&#c5]Etiquette”>http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?PHPSESSID=2d7ace3fcca7dde35741a70fae99e688&#c5)</p>

<p>I think you’ll get a kick out of it.</p>

105

<p>Just to play devil’s advocate for a second…</p>

<p>I know she promised a thank you dinner, but is it possible that she thought it through and feels on some level that she does not feel the need to do this for you and your husband because of the work and effort, and perhaps some expense, she put into helping you when your dad died? I am just placing myself in her shoes for second. Do you think she now regrets offering a thank you dinner for hosting her and her family? Just a thought.</p>

106

<p>Great site, silpat!</p>

<p>No, NEM, I don’t think that is at all possible. First of all she didnt go to much expense, she just organized and coordinated and brought some papergoods and sodas and such (btw- my DH used to work for a soda company and she brought a different brand - aka cheap storebrand. We never have any brand other than the one he worked for in the house. Hard to explain. Its just not done. Its a loyalty/ “family” thing. But again she wasnt thinking about that. Just the price. </p>

<p>And it was a year ago. I both helped to organize the one for her when her father died, but I organized friends chipping in and sending a large (and expensive) deli platter to her moms house when her dad died. That is not the issue at all.</p>

<p>She isn’t mean spirited. Really. I dont think this is manipulative, just not thinking of the impact on others. As others said earlier, its no big deal to her, so it should be, in her eyes, no big deal to others.</p>

<p>I don’t know if she’ll email back or if she heard what I said and will handle it accordingly. Will see…</p>

107

<p>Well, then I don’t understand her behavior and she just does not sound like a good friend. She sounds more like someone you feel the need to put up with in order to stay within this social circle and keep the peace. I have to say that I learned a long time ago to be pretty vocal about these situations, without burning bridges if at all possible. If I am not, I feel taken advantage of over and over again.</p>

108

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<p>Not only does the above avoid the issue of prior cases of flakiness by the OP’s “friend”, it also fails on the basis etiquette, logic, and common sense. </p>

<p>The time for her to make that determination to change her mind is BEFORE inviting OP to the “Thank You” dinner…NOT after it was made. Where I come from…once you made a promise…especially to a friend/family member…you’ve placed yourself under an obligation to honor that promise unless there’s a severe emergency.* </p>

<p>Failure to do so barring a severe emergency would mean the promiser is an undependable flake at best. At worse, he/she has serious issues with honesty and willingness to stand behind his/her promise…which means that he/she will have severe issues fulfilling one basic obligation of a friend…that he/she can be counted on to fulfill obligations he/she promised to his/her friends. </p>

<p>Either cause makes this individual too undependable and unreliable to be a friend to be counted on. Moreover, life’s too short to put up with such folks…especially as supposed “friends”…barring mental illness or a severely traumatic event. </p>

<ul>
<li>I.e. Something along the lines of a medical emergency or family medical emergency which understandably prevents the fulfilling of that promise. However…sometimes even personal illness isn’t enough to get one excused from certain obligations as I witnessed when my homeroom teacher ripped into a classmate for missing two days of an afterschool program for disadvantaged kids. The teacher basically said considering the age and disadvantage of the kids and the noncontagious nature of his condition…he is bound by his promise to the program to place the needs of those kids above his personal discomfort.</li>
</ul>

109

<p>This is why we prefer “CC buddies”!</p>

110

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<p>I agree 100%. I was just trying to tease out what this woman might have been thinking. Jym clarified that this line of thinking was not possible.</p>

<p>Shrinkrap, cyber friends are great! :D</p>

111

<p>Gotta say, jym, doesn’t a great memory just stink sometimes? I hate it sometimes that I remember stuff that people do that drives me crazy. No suggestions about the situation that others have not already made.</p>

112

<p>I certainly hope this doesn’t happen, but I would not be completely surprised if my friend develops a case of the vapors next Friday and doesn’t feel up to going to the show, and then tells me I should drag my DH to see it (it is a serious chick play. He’d be a token male) so she doesn’t have to pay me for the ticket. Its not beyond the realm of believability. Really- she isn’t mean spirited- shes just insensitive and self focused.</p>

113

<p>Maybe I should go see the new Men in Black movie, eh MD mom?? Let them zap me with the memory eraser thing.</p>

114

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Boy, does this say it all!!!
I know many people like this and I have to say, I think this friend is being manipulative. You said, yourself, that she is self absorbed and seems to manage to make events benefit her in some way. That doesn’t happen without manipulating a situation and I absolutely agree that she seems to be one of those people who walks a fine line when she manipulates. She never does anything so heinous that she will be called out on it immediately. Rather, she manipulates small things and everyone lets it slide because it’s not really a “big deal”.</p>

115

<p>It would not be worth it. I have a friend who picked up a cup and said she was drinking water, filled it with Coke, and then wondered aloud whether refills were free. I have not been out to lunch with her since. Thrifty I do not mind; cheap drives me crazy. </p>

<p>Do you have a really good friend you could have as a back-up for the play?</p>

116

<p>Jym - I didn’t read the whole thread, can’t believe how many people have responded already.</p>

<p>Your friend did the inviting - the host. I would prep your H first, tell him to stay back (I know your H likes to reach for the check when it comes to his brother). When the bill comes, let your friend figure out what they want to do. If they pick up the whole bill, which is what I woudl expect someone to do since it’s to celebrate her H’s birthday and to thank you, then great. If they have the nerve to ask you to chip in, I wold do it, but that would be it for favors and going out to eat with them.</p>

<p>We have invited people out for our birthdays, and we always picked up the bill.</p>

<p>We are going back home next week. A good friend of us always had us over to her place whenever we came home. To reciprocate, we want to take them out dinner this time since we don’t have a place to cook for them.</p>

117

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<p>Agreed. One thing I’ve been wondering in this thread…unless the OP’s DH enjoys “chick plays”, why subject him to what he may perceive to be unjust punishment when he had no part in the drama between OP and the dubious “friend”. </p>

<p>I certainly hope whoever becomes my future DW doesn’t pull this on me…unless she enjoys my taking her to war/action or sci-fi movies full of explosions, chase scenes, and fighter aircraft action. :D</p>

118

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<p>So true. Interesting thread. </p>

<p>It is amazing to me how commonplace it is becoming for someone to invite someone else to something, and then change their mind about it, and cancel or try to turn it into something else, because they no longer feel like doing it, or something better has come up, or whatever – and at the last minute, too – after the person that was invited has turned down other things to keep this commitment. Grrrr . . .</p>

<p>I’m so curious now, jym, as to how your friend will respond to your clarification e-mail. Gotta be blunt sometimes. Some people can’t or won’t understand anything else.</p>

119

<p>We often go out to dinner with another couple and it always seemed the other guy was the only one who ordered the expensive appetizer, the most expensive entree, the extra glasses of wine. And then we’d split the bill in half and it just bugged me. DH reminded me that our friendship was more important than worrying about a silly glass of wine. He was right. Nowadays, I think I eat more than everyone.</p>

<p>Jym, I’m glad all of this is working out. I didn’t read this whole thread, but I was thinking that maybe this friend forgot the original purpose of this evening. My mom is good at doing that kind of thing. She’d always sound so generous and offer to pay for things, and then I knew she’d forget. She has stopped casually offering so often now that we’re much more likely to ask her to pay up.</p>

120

<p>"Posts 29 and 30 just crack me up! "</p>

<p>Me too!</p>

<p>Just realized the birthday boy was house-guest’s husband…hmmmm…I’d call that HER party.</p>