<p>Miss Manners says that the ONLY time a gift is required is when you are invited to a birthday party. If I were INVITED to a birthday dinner, I would bring a gift. The host of the dinner would, of course, be expected to pay.</p>
<p>The thank you dinner is an entirely separate event, or should have been, until your friend conjured up a way to share, and perhaps, BE TREATED for the meal! </p>
<p>Jym, I think you handled it brilliantly, but I don’t think it’s over yet. I don’t feel it is appropriate for the friend to have invited anyone else to your thank you dinner. She conveniently forgot that it was a dinner in your honor. She is a piece of work though since now the dinner is in honor of her spouse! These are calculated moves. Every one of them. She is helpful, but must feel that her giving personality warrants compensation.</p>
<p>Regarding your night out at the show, if she doesn’t pay and stands you up, why not drop the unused ticket in the mail with a cheery note: "I was afraid this might happen again. If you could drop a check in the mail, I would appreciate it. "</p>
<p>I don’t know who would be willing to be a “back-up” or last minute “fill in” on a Friday night if she cancels on me. That feels kinda crass. And if I did that to someone I would NOT ask them to pay for the ticket, but simply to accompany me. I will not go alone, thats for sure, so I couldnt mail her back the unused ticket unless I don’t go either, though I love the idea :)</p>
<p>My poor DH would probably go, to be a good sport, and fall asleep. BTW the only reason my friend agreed to go on this particular night (I offered up several choices) is because her DH will be out of town. Interestingly, he returns home the afternoon of the “thank you” dinner. I wonder if he’ll be too tired and they will cancel out. Who knows. But it’d be fine with me if we just went out with the other couple!</p>
<p>BTW, so that I am not painting this friend in a completely bad light, they have invited us to their beach house for a weekend (4 years ago) and 5 of the “lady friends” went for a girls weekend. We bought the groceries and got her a nice thank you gift.</p>
<p>We just invited friends out to a restaurant for my birthday. We would not have considered letting them pay. As someone said, it’s like inviting people to your house–without the work. Though they all reached for the check and objected to us paying, and I know they were sincere, we would not possibly have let them pay. I considered saying ahead of time that it was our treat, but I couldn’t think of a way to do that. </p>
<p>But when you invite people out for an occasion and, especially in this instance, an occasion that was supposed to be a thank you for your selfless hospitality and then turn it into something else and then “forget”…the mind reels.</p>
<p>I have definitely had these same friends over for potluck dinner or lunch. Then it’s clear that they will bring something. And if we invite people over and it’s not a potluck, they always bring wine or flowers, though I don’t expect that at all.</p>
<p>She sounds like a major piece of work. I’m glad you are getting some clarity with her. I would never again buy tickets for someone who casually cancelled as she did. A family emergency, of course, though if a friend bought tickets for me and I had an emergency, I would still pay for the ticket(s).</p>
<p>Yes, this whole ticket thing has me stymied. If two people agree to go to an event and one bows out, whether in advance or at the last minute, it is that person’s responsibility to eat the cost of the ticket or sell it. I have never been in a situation where I was left holding the ticket and the expense because the other person changed their mind. On what planet is that done?!</p>
<p>Well, not a word from my friend. Perhaps she thinks there is nothing else to say. And perhaps there isn’t. </p>
<p>My DH doesn’t get why this has bothered me, but as others have said, its the straw that broke the camels back. These little annoyances pile up. And if she cancels out on the play (which hopefully she won’t), maybe she will pay me, maybe she won’t. But knowing how she thinks, she would expect me to have to ask her for the money rather than her offering spontaneously, which is what makes me look bad, not her. And if I end up dragging my DH because I am not going ot go alone, her way of thinking will be-- well he went so she doesnt have to pay me for the ticket. If that happens, yes, I will never ever buy tickets for her again. Ever. But hopefully she will go as planned , pay me for the ticket and all will be fine. I am getting way ahead of myself.</p>
<p>I am sure there are things I do that annoy her. I am sure we all have annoying habits or quirks that annoy the people we care about. If she asks me why I am bothered by this, I am trying to think of a polite but direct way of telling her how her behavior comes across. Suggestions?</p>
<p>I don’t get the ticket thing either. I have had a friend buy tickets for me before and I couldn’t make it to the event. I found a mutual friend to go and I still paid for the ticket. I felt like it was my obligation.</p>
<p>I doubt she will ask you why you are bothered by this, as to do so would risk the need to acknowledge some rather shabby actions on her part.</p>
<p>If, however, she does, I would say that I feel that how people act around money reveals a lot about them. You could follow up on this by saying that you were pleased by her offer to take you out to dinner to thank you for your hospitality, and that it hurts your feelings that she’s seems to have forgotten about it. You can say that you feel taken advantage of when she expects you to pay for her or use her unused ticket especially as she must realize how much tickets cost these days! etc.</p>
<p>Again, hopefully everything is fine for Friday and we will go out as scheduled. Perhaps to there will be an opportunity to talk, if it seems appropriate about how her behavior makes others feel. </p>
<p>When she makes a mistake, she doesn’t apologize. She rationalizes. Apparently we are the first name on her list if her alarm goes off at her house (we live half a mile away-- why arent her next door neighbors first on the list, and why didnt she ask us if it was ok?) The alarm company called us at 5:30 in the morning one day. Turns out the friends had left for their beach house and one door waswnt securely closed. Did she thank em for calling her to tell her the company called, or apologize that we were awakened at 5:30? No. I suggested she call the alarm company and give them her/her husbands cell phone numbers, which they didnt have.</p>
<p>Thanks, fendrock. With the ticket, since its just the 2 of us, if she bails (and again hopefully whe wont) she’ll likely ask me to see if I know someone else who can go in her place, putting it on me to do the work to find a replacement, by saying if she tries to sell the ticket then I’ll be going possibly with someone I dont know, and gee wouldn’t that be uncomfortable for me (um no, not necessarily). So she offloads the responsibility of finding a replacement on me.</p>
<p>Again- hopefully this will be a non-issue. </p>
<p>The tickets were discounted, btw, so not expensive. But thats not the point.</p>
<p>Again, I would be quite straight with her and tell her that you don’t have the time or inclination to find someone to go with you, and once again, emphasize the expense of the ticket.</p>
<p>Alternatively, you could call her shortly beforehand and say that no one was available and can she please put a check for [amount of the ticket] in the mail to you.</p>
<p>Don’t let her put the responsibility on you.</p>
<p>Same thing with her having the alarm company call you. Call her and tell her that you were surprised to be awakened at 5:30am and can she please take you off her alarm contact list.</p>
<p>Maintaining this friendship must be exhausting. The alarm phone call at 5:30 a.m. would have put me over the top. Abuse me, but don’t mess with my sleep! ;)</p>
<p>If she cancels, which hopefully she wont, I have every intention of telling her I do not know anyone who wants to go and do not have the time to try to find a replacement for her. But even if she pays me for her ticket, I won’t go by myself, so I’ll eat the cost of my ticket too.</p>
<p>I really don’t mind being on her alarm list. But she should have asked first, and also it makes no sense for someone who lives 1/2 mile away to be #1 on the call list. She was going to call the company to give them her cellphone #s. We’ve never been called before (in contrast to my poor neighbors whove been called a few times when my alarm has gone off) so I wont put that on the major big deal list. It was just an example.</p>
<p>I’ve been asked last minute to plays or sporting events (probably because I’m not married). I’m glad to go, and always pay the tab for dinner. No one has ever accepted my offer to pay for the ticket.</p>
<p>In my experience, people who are cheap think they can slide by, unnoticed, because polite people never challenge them. When out to eat, I ask for separate checks. I am relaxed, because they can order a $20 drink or most expensive entree and it doesn’t effect my wallet. I also never want to haggle over a bill at end of meal.</p>
<p>For the record, I’m using the word “cheap” to describe people who can afford to pay their share but don’t. For those of us on CC who are dating, how the other person behaves with money can be a red flag.</p>
<p>Drop the ticket in the mail with a cheery note: “Looking forward to our night out together!” You purchased the ticket after she said she wanted to go with you, so that’s the plan. This woman has you planning how you will react when she bails. It’s time to take charge of this friendship. You can’t control how she will act, you can only control how you act and react. The ticket is hers and she OWES you the money you spent on it regardless of whether or not she goes.</p>
<p>While I am not defending her, I am going to own that I am the one anticipating (based on past experience) what she may say if, IF she bails on the ticket. But sometimes she bails because she is “too tired” or her son needs her to do something (and her husband is out of town) so surely I will understand. Thats the kind of thing I would expenct. And no apology.</p>
<p>But again, I am getting ahead of myself. As it stands, we are on for Fri night. The bigger concern is/was the Sat thank you dinner. I’ve basically reminded her that that is waht this is, and she has invited another couple who we like, so fine. But they will work out the bill. I havent heard a word back. My DH understands that he is to keep his wallet in his pocket. If the waiter asks at the beginning of the meal how to do checks, I guess we could cheerily say (if my friend doesnt say a word) that they are handling our bill.</p>
<p>The kicker is it shouldnt have to be OUR place to say anything. They should be the ones to say it, and since she likes to be the center of attention maybe she will. Maybe we’ll touch base about this on Fri night. But I dont want to sour either of the evenings. I am overstressing about all this. It wont bother her- why should I let it bother me.</p>
<p>Bingo, jym626. It doesn’t bother her (and never will). It sounds like you have come up with a plan that works for you - expressing your understanding and expectations to this woman, but having a plan for handling the worst case scenario (you paying).</p>
<p>The ball is in her court. She can rise to the occasion, or reveal herself to be selfish and manipulative. Either way, you have been polite, firm, and constructive in your dealings with this woman. Be content that you have behaved decently. </p>
<p>After the weekend, you’ll have time to decide how you want to deal with this woman going forward. You will have a truer understanding of how she sees your relationship and can adjust accordingly.</p>
<p>The heart of this discussion is about the nature of friendship, and whether some relationships are worth maintaining in terms of what they contribute to or drain from the quality of our lives. I have removed myself from friendships/relationships when they mainly irritated, annoyed, stressed me. Sometimes the reasons were not all that noble on my part, but it is what it is, and my body was paying the price of how I was reacting. It is difficult and awkward to “break up” with someone who has been a close friend, but it can be done. Friendships do not need to be constant or regular, just enriching as opposed to draining. Good luck, jym. I hope you can figure out how to find peace about this woman in your life.</p>
<p>She posted on facebook a few hours ago so I know she’s been on the computer. </p>
<p>I realize I have a tendency in emails to pose something in the form of a question when I really mean it to be a statement. So I asked if she thought the third couple would be uncomfortable with the Saturday dinner plans (giving her the opportunity to say yes and try to change things) rather than saying it in the form of a statement, that since it was our thank you dinner she should let them know ahead of time so they arent caught by surprise. Thats what Is hould have said. But it is what it is.</p>
"</p>