To keep quiet or not-- what would you do?

Parent Cafe
161

<p>I think we all have people in our lives who somehow seep into a position of power over us, perhaps not the power of a boss, etc., but the power to make us feel strong emotions, the power to take up our physical or mental energy.</p>

<p>We all have to see the situation clearly and without emotion and decide just how much power we want to give them. I have a family member who wreaked emotional havoc on my family for quite sometime, until I realized it was up to me to limit them. They don’t even know I have done this, they see us as having a good relationship. I just stopped expecting them to be someone other than who they are. Everything is about them, so I do it when it is convenient rather than difficult for me. I do not expect anything from them therefore I am rarely disappointed. I shifted the format of certain interactions to avoid anything that incites me to emotions I don’t want.</p>

<p>It’s been nearly 20 years since I figured this out and they can still punch my buttons if I let them, but I am pretty good at avoiding the hot buttons and I have learned to use this technique on subsequent relationships. It really works, at least for me.</p>

<p>Once you have figured out that you have the power to control your life and your interactions and determine how willing you are to change the relationship, you have the control and you can avoid much of the frustration.</p>

<p>For example, now that Jym has really faced the straw that broke the camels back, this friendship will never be the same, but it might actually get better, for Jym. She knows what she can expect from this friend and can determine what she is willing to do, what she will ‘take’, and I would bet she will avoid being caught out by the friend…most of the time.</p>

<p>Threads like this take on 10+ pages because this is so common, we are trying to be a good friend or family member, but the other person is inappropriate and we have to figure out how to graciously react and shift the situation to be more fair, but not be rude like them.</p>

<p>Manipulators rely on societal conventions, they push the limits and either consciously or subconsciously know that others will generally not call them on it and often not respond in kind so they get their own way and, in my experience, do not realize the anger/hurt/frustration they leave in their wake. If you told them, though, they woudl tell you why you are wrong to feel that way.</p>

162

<p>This just triggered a memory for me. I had a friendship that was somewhat like this when my kids were very young. The woman was another mom with young kids in the neighborhood. There were always “complications” and she tended to take more than she gave. I just stewed over it for a few years, and then totally blew up at her one night at a dinner gathering. It was pretty spectacular, because I didn’t tend to do things like that. The friendship ended, which was pretty awkward. Years later we made a tentative peace, but never had the true friendship again. All in all, I think it was better that way, even though there were definitely things I missed about the friendship.</p>

163

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This is so true, which is why, unless she brings it up, I may not choose to tell her how what she did (consciously or unconsciously) made me feel.</p>

<p>She just called and we chitty chatted briefly. Nary a word was said about the “changed” purpose of the Sat nite dinner. I had asked her to drive Fri nite as I don’t see well in the dark and would prefer not to. She gave me a qualified yes, depending on where she is that afternoon (if she is already downtown she may want to meet there. Not unreasonable). I then offered to have them come over for wine/cheese Sat before the dinner that night, and said we’d drive. She called to tell me that her DH would be returning that afternoon so didn’t want to commit to coming over for appetizers in case he is tired. IF his plane is late and they cancel Saturday I hope we’ll stil be able to go out with the other couple. I really like them. They are low maintenance.</p>

164

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<p>It’s really interesting the OP said she’s the same MBTI personality as myself(ENTJ). IME, -NTJ types don’t have an issue of rejecting, altering, or making exceptions to complying with social conventions…especially when doing so would be gravely unjust to/allow others to take undue advantage of themselves or especially their friends. </p>

<p>Then again, I tend to be lean heavily toward the NT part…rather than the sensing/feeling type…and have no problems being the “enforcer/bad guy” in a given social situation for the sake of protecting family/friends from being treated unjustly/being taken advantage of. </p>

<p>My being male may also have a lot to do with this as many boys/men tend to be socialized to be upfront, straightforward, and confrontational…sometimes to unfortunate excess.</p>

165

<p>This woman friend is exhausting! I don’t know how you put up with her. I don’t know what my MB personality-type is, but it’s not as nice or tolerant as yours. :)</p>

<p>Give me your address and I’ll come pick you up Friday night and go to the show with you, plus I’ll take you and your husband out to dinner Saturday night! My treat. Just don’t invite that friend.</p>

166

<p>LOL baseballmom!! Come get me! So I should keep both theater tix and cancel out on them. LOL.</p>

167

<p>Jym-We’ll go out and we’ll arrange for your friend and mine to meet somewhere. Oh, wait…neither one will show up! ;)</p>

168

<p>There’s a plan. My friend will probably show, but she’ll change the location so she can run an errand while your friend has a big vehicle with her.</p>

169

<p>Update. I posted a comment about my s’s on my fb wall. All other reply posts were either “likes” or comments about what I said. Hers was a comment about herself/her kids. Perhaps I am being too sensitive now.</p>

170

<p>jym – re #168 – that’s over the top!</p>

171

<p>JYM - In trying to figure this all out - don’t let yourself slip into emotional hoarding. It sounds like your friend has some good traits and some annoying traits. Unless you are getting ready to “break up” with her, there is nothing to be gained by focusing on the bad. </p>

<p>Just heartfelt and friendly reminder! :)</p>

172

<p>Good point, worknprogress. Thats why I tried to point out the positives too. Its just currently a bit raw and I am sensitized to the self-focused behaviors I am seeing. Thats who she is, and it is what it is. She sets firm boundaries around her “family” time (can’t call her at certain times, she won’t go out with friends at certain times, etc if it interferes with family time) but friends are expected to be more flexible and defer to that.</p>

173

<p>Well, Jym, ultimately, as you know, as you would tell me, it makes no difference what she expects other people to be flexible about. It only matters what you decide to do for yourself and what you expect for you in those circumstances.</p>

<p>Time to think about something else. :)</p>

174

<p>Yup, poetgrl, agreed on all fronts. Just thought I’d update folks when I saw the fb post today.</p>

175

<p>Any updates, jym? Is tonight the play?</p>

176

<p>Yup. Tonight is the play. So far all is a go. She is scheduled to pick me up as it seems the event that was going to have her downtown today is probably not needing her to be in attendance. We are sticking with her dinner reservations that she made unilaterally. My DH is having a guys night at the house in my absence. Stay tuned. I am trying to keep a positive attitude.</p>

177

<p>I owe jym a dinner, I’ll take her out! :)</p>

178

<p>Just this morning, I talked to a friend about this thread. She’s having problems with a not-nice friend.</p>

179

<p>I am patiently waiting for the update.</p>

180

<p>The evening was… ok. The play was fun but she tended to be critical and condescending throughout the evening. I chose not to say anything about the comments, especially since we will be out again tonight.</p>